Parents withholding gift of money. Am I ungrateful?

[ContactLenses]

My DSis (18, I'm 27) recently passed her driving test and was given £500 towards a car by my parents. They gave this to her in front of me and said "we're not leaving you out, the same is waiting for you when you come to either buy a house or pass your driving test"
However, they know I have no plans to buy a house in the near future (I rent with DP and we're very content with that for now) and where we live, having a car would be more of a hinderance than a help- very central, very good public transport, nowhere to actually put a car. So I don't really plan on learning to drive anytime soon either as we love where we live.
AIBU to think that if they want to give me a gift of money, it's not really fair for them to withhold it until I want to spend it on what they want me to?
I know it's their money, they don't HAVE to give me anything, and it would never have even crossed my mind that they would give me anything. I don't want to come across entitled, but they're the ones that mentioned it!
I also wouldn't fritter away the money on nothing. They know we love to travel and if I was given a gift of money I'd probably put it towards a trip, because that is what I like to do.
I feel like they really shouldn't have mentioned it at all. I don't actually know what I want to do about this, as I can't really bring it up with them so I think I just wanted to know if it's only me that thinks this is unfair of them? Am I ungrateful?

I suspect that they deliberately gave it in front of you and said that so you couldn't say they'd given her a secret present and wouldn't do the same for you.

I wouldn't see giving money for a holiday as something I'd want to give money for-that to me is something if you want you save up for.

Hmmmm, well, we gifted a house deposit to youngest son, telling eldest we would do the same for him when the time came.

We did. However, youngest son got a larger amount than eldest son ( he lives in the south, eldest lives in the north).

They, and their partners, appreciated what we did and have never seemed to question the inequality. I would be seriously pissed off if eldest one did tbh. Therefore, on that basis, you abu.

I find the expectation that all adult children will "need" their parent's money at some point in their lives quite strange. I expect my children to be able to look after themselves once they are adults (after education, obviously) and not need handouts. I will probably give them money as a gift but it would be the same amount each and I won't try to control what they spend it on. As far as I'm concerned, adults can make their own decisions.

It wasn't optional for me, when I was 17 I was sent to lessons every week until I passed, my kids will be too.

Lucky you. I've never had the money. It wasn't optional for me to ever have the lessons

We did. However, youngest son got a larger amount than eldest son ( he lives in the south, eldest lives in the north).

That is unfair as the youngest one could easily sell his house in the future and move up north. It will be even more inequitable if house prices increase to a much greater extent in the South than in the North.

Hear hear to your posts above Roomster101.

ContactLenses after reading your updates I do understand why you feel the way you do. I think if your post had focussed more on how you feel your parents value your sister's achievements more than yours, then you probably would have got more sympathy. I think it was the way you described the gift being 'withheld' and said that you wanted to spend it on a holiday that made you sound a little spoilt, but it seems like that's not really what was at the heart of it.

I think with a big age gap you have to expect some inconsistencies in parenting, and as the eldest it can feel unfair at times when it really isn't being done maliciously. As I said before, I'm nine years older than my brother and oh boy, the stuff he's been handed and the things he got away with while he was growing up! But I realise that my parents' finances were also very different at the equivalent stages in our lives. When I was 18 my parents were in their early 40s with two other kids still in school; by the time he was 18 my dad had been through a couple of serious promotions at work and two of us had 'flown the nest'. So of course they had far more spare cash to spend and they chose to spend some of that on him.

So I avoid drawing comparisons between how much has been spent on each of us otherwise I'd start to think they owed me thousands by now. We've both had the things we needed when we needed them and that's all that matters.

I think they sound worried about you. Wanting a child to get on the property ladder / be able to drive a car are not wildly unreasonable things. They're not saying you have to buy a car, just have the ability to drive. They put it clumsily and somewhat rudely but I think they just worry for you. If you're in your early 20s then I understand your point, but if you're older than that then I totally get their attitude.

They could stuff their money.
You give with love and generosity in your heart. If people use money to manipulate me they can shove it.

They're not saying you have to buy a car, just have the ability to drive.

The op had said they wouldn't pay towards driving lessons, just towards a car.

And on the subject of driving - not driving is not selfish. I started saving for lessons, but it turned into house deposit savings instead and I've not been able to afford to learn since, and now I have a DS and still work full time I don't have time either. I'm sure DH would love it if I could drive when we're on longer journeys, but tbh, even if I could drive I'd probably do it so rarely I wouldn't feel safe doing then anyway.

Boiing my partner and are in our 30s, we don't drive and we definitely aren't going to be buying a house any time soon. We're doing just fine, thank you very much. What exactly should our parents be so worried about?

Could be worse! My OH was repeatedly offered about 15k from his parents towards a house (they were going to match what he saved), but in the end they decided not to give him a penny when the time came a few months later because they wanted to spend 30k doing up their kitchen and then redecorate a bathroom they'd already done 4 years ago. They have a second home and substantial savings; it would not have been difficult for them to keep the promise. I don't expect help from family but I do think it's reprehensible to go back on your word for trivial reasons.

To add insult to injury they paid for big chunks of his brother's wedding while we were going through the purchase.

I think they wanted to help your DSis with car purchase and were pleased for her that she passed her test, but then thought we have to make sure we're fair to Contact. So they said they'd do the same for you when the time came. They might not have a spare £500 knocking around right now anyway?
I do think it's important though that DP's make a real effort to be fair between siblings.

I don't think your BU I'd be pissed off too

That's a tricky one...Don't blame you for feeling upset. I'm not sure I'd have mentioned it to you in quite that way. I'm sure if you passed a significant something else they would give you the reward and that house and car were just what sprang to mind. As parents and people we often make mistakes that hurt people.

I agree with Roomster as well.

The children chose where to settle and live; unequal amounts of money towards homes sounds awfully unfair.

I'm saving for two things for my kids - cars and a house, when they want either they will get the money, as both are expensive and things most adults need, so when they're ready to buy either I will help out - just the same - it's not there to fritter as they wish. My money I decide what I want to contribute towards. Whilst you may love a holiday, it's not really essential / good use of your parents hard saved money.

if they want to give me a gift of money, it's not really fair for them to withhold it until I want to spend it on what they want me to?

YABU! They can give you what they want, when they want, or not give you anything - you are being extremely entitled. Your parents have done their bit, you're not desperately short of cash, and they're not forcing you to do anything. I would not have been looking for a hand out at all at 27, and would have seen it as a matter of personal pride not to be taking money off my parents.

If both children get the houses they want though I can't see the problem. What if the one up North has a massive garden or a pool or something and the one down South is a tiny terrace.
It's not the parents to decide what makes a better investment. They were just helping the kids buy the house they wanted.

Roomster, I agree. My parents paid for our education and university and then we were largely on our own and I share the same view and I would certainly not buy them a car but I have chosen to give them all an identical sum towards a property (and their father has given them £10k each - sadly most of which has gone on stamp duty to the Government)

Our savings for the dc will be to help them get on in life and pay for the things we would have loved to have help for.

A car/lessons, a mortgage, further education or training are the main things.

If one of them was planning one of those, we would help financially. If one of the others had no intention of doing any, I'd not be handing over an equivalent sum for shits and giggles. Yabu.

Only skimmed thread I think its unfair.

However op, you can still pass driving test even if you don't get a car, its a real assets being able to drive....

Maybe they feel this and are trying to urge you to get your test. I only learned to drive at 30 and passed test at 31, but then only started to drive on roads at 36, and I feel its been life changing, I would also be encouraging my dc to drive and get test even if they didnt need too.

However bottom line - yes its a shame they didnt ask you as well if you need the £500 in that respect its not fair, but its bonus extra money......tricky!

OP
They probably see driving as an achievement and one that comes with plenty of expense . £500 could be needed after one garage visit .... Insurance could shoot up by £500... all things that if you didn't have the funds to cover would take you off the road altogether .
Not to mention the cost of lessons that will have already been had prior to passing .
Just draw a line under it , safe in the knowledge that if you DO decide to go for a house or start driving they'll gift you accordingly (learning to drive and passing a test can help with work etc if there's a company vehicle involved.... You don't necessarily have to go buy yourself a car for personal use after passing, but having the ability to drive might come in handy )

They should stick the £500 for you now into a savings account & it can be for an eventual house deposit or important big expense. you might want to retrain or move country or one day pass your driving test (I personally had no interest in driving til 30 & it's really handy now I have kids) & same goes for renting - that gets a bit more annoying when you have kids & want stability.

Their money, their choice

It's not unfair to say you can both have this amount in this circumstance.

Maybe they want to see something solid for their gift, rather than a holiday.