Parents withholding gift of money. Am I ungrateful?

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My DSis (18, I'm 27) recently passed her driving test and was given £500 towards a car by my parents. They gave this to her in front of me and said "we're not leaving you out, the same is waiting for you when you come to either buy a house or pass your driving test"
However, they know I have no plans to buy a house in the near future (I rent with DP and we're very content with that for now) and where we live, having a car would be more of a hinderance than a help- very central, very good public transport, nowhere to actually put a car. So I don't really plan on learning to drive anytime soon either as we love where we live.
AIBU to think that if they want to give me a gift of money, it's not really fair for them to withhold it until I want to spend it on what they want me to?
I know it's their money, they don't HAVE to give me anything, and it would never have even crossed my mind that they would give me anything. I don't want to come across entitled, but they're the ones that mentioned it!
I also wouldn't fritter away the money on nothing. They know we love to travel and if I was given a gift of money I'd probably put it towards a trip, because that is what I like to do.
I feel like they really shouldn't have mentioned it at all. I don't actually know what I want to do about this, as I can't really bring it up with them so I think I just wanted to know if it's only me that thinks this is unfair of them? Am I ungrateful?

I think your parents (and PP who think similar) are being controlling. They should have just given your sister money "towards a car" and not brought it up. What they are doing is effectively saying they only acknowledge what they consider to be achievements. But you don't live life like they do or measure success in the same way. Are they not proud of what you have accomplished? A life that you love and that makes you happy?

roomster a shove into adulthood?? The only way to be considered an adult is to own a house and car? Pathetic.

I don't read it like that at all. It seems to me that they wanted the OP to be reassured that they will treat her in the same way her sibling is being treated ie not playing favourites. No different from contributing to one child's wedding and letting the others know you'll do similar for them - if they don't get married, they'll not need money for a wedding. If OP never wants to buy her own home or learn to drive then she'll not need money for a house or a car, will she?

Could you do your PPL(H) and point out that the 2nd hand helicopter you've had to buy was about 10x the price of your sister's car and would they stump up £5,000?

It would also allow you to travel more, as you could move in three-dimensions rather than sticking to the Earth's crust.

I have spent years and continue to add to a savings account that I use for 'big events': first car, first house purchase engagement and wedding presents/help with paying for weddings have all come out of these. Neither of my grown up dc have ever thought they should get a lump sum at the same time as the other received an 'occasion' gift. Yabvvu. If either gets divorced/loses their job/needs help they will have help available but traveling?? Jog on.

I haven't read everyones responses...

I do think YABU.

Ultimately your parents want to 'gift' the money towards something they see as 'solid and permanent', an investment in your future. I understand what you're saying about travelling etc but ultimately that's a holiday and I'm guessing your parents don't wish to give you money to spend on a holiday which is a temporary albeit enjoyable thing.

I think your parents were right to mention it to you because they probably presumed it would be unfair if you heard about this money gift without an explanation and may make you feel left out.

Most of the time, it is just a case of parents manipulating and/or treating their children unequally

How can you possibly know this?

Obviously, there may be a specific circumstance in your brother's case but that doesn't mean it is the norm

On the contrary there are many specific circumstances which could certainly be considered the norm these days - divorce, illness, legal problems etc - all of these things are common in modern life. Who wouldn't refuse to help their offspring if they had the money - and what kind of sibling would demand an equal payment when they had no such need?

Actually I suspect that the OP's mum felt that she had justify why she was giving her daughter £500 knowing that the older daughter seems to behave as if she would be entitled to the money too!

Sorry but I think YABU

I imagine the reason they told you about the gift was precisely to avoid you feeling hard done to and make it clear that should you buy a car they would gift you a similar amount

I think it's perfectly normal for parents to choose to gift money to DC for big purchases like a house or car but I can't say I know anyone whose parents subsidise their holidays

My parents have me £5K back in 1999 when I bought my first house. My brother didn't buy a house til about 10 years later despite being older than me and I'm quite certain my parents gave him a similar amount when he was buying his house. Fairly normal behaviour I would say ....If you can afford it obviously.

Wow I didn't expect so many responses, thank you! I'll try and reply best I can.
I consider myself to be quite adult! I work full time in quite a good job. My sister is full time at college and has a Saturday job, as I did at her age.
She will be going to uni in September. Something I didn't do, as my parents told me that going to uni "for the experience" was pointless, so unless I wanted to be a doctor, lawyer or something that NEEDED a degree, they wouldn't be helping me out. At the time I didn't want to get myself into all that debt for a degree that I may or may not use, so I got a full time job and have worked my way up.
I have never ever borrowed a penny from them and I never would.
It's not that I'm expecting them to give me £500 or any money for that matter. I don't want their money and I'd rather they spent it on themselves. What upsets me is that I'm really happy with my life - so why do they see those two things as the only "achievements" to be rewarded. A PP was right. I feel judged because my ideas of achievements and being an adult are very different from theirs and they reward my sister for doing what they think is right and I feel a bit pushed out.
I am more than happy to pay for my own holidays, and I do! But I suppose what I want is an "I'm proud of you" too.
I sound like a big baby now don't I.

Oh and as for being selfish for not driving!!!! I don't get lifts anywhere or moan about not being able to drive! I'm perfectly happy to use public transport, which is so easy to do where I live.
I do agree with what a lot of you said about learning now so I at least have it for later. Something to think about!

Don't look at the £500 as a 'reward'

It is money towards the purchase of a car, not a prize!

Imo it's normal. Parents give towards a specific large expense. If you have one, maybe they would offer it.

I hate being the eldest.

My parents had a thing about our local Tech College being for "thickos". It was made clear to me that it was either VIth form of a job, despite the fact that the best way to follow my career of choice was to do the college course and then go to Uni. They want the tradition 3 A Levels then Uni route and wouldnt consider anything else. If I went to college then I would need to leave home. So I didnt.

They realised their mistake by the time my sister was 16 and she was encouraged to go to college. She has a fantastic career as a result, I have just had jobs. Of course it is easy to look back now and realise that actually I could have done it, and that they probably wouldnt have kicked me out but I was 16, its not so easy to be ballsy and "fuck you" at that age.

Sounds like it was a similar thing for you and Uni. And they are the same over life choices. If I want to do something that they dont approve of then they make it quite clear, but if my sister then subsequently does the same (buying a house in a particular area was one flashpoint) then it is actively encouraged because "It worked out so well for Pyong!!"

Its a gift because she's achieved a milestone and you haven't achieved it? My parents gave me £2000 for passing my GCSEs back in 2006 my DB who spent most of his school years being a prat flunked his so got nothing.

Contact "I am more than happy to pay for my own holidays, and I do! But I suppose what I want is an "I'm proud of you" too."

I understand that. I'm past caring about this sort of thing but at your age I opted for a less impressive career than my sister because it was steady work and my parents didn't like that. They are thinking again because now later my work has been steadier than hers - but sadly I think when parents have kids of 18 and 27 they are probably still on a level where they think they can nudge you towards a choice.

you sound like you're doing well at life anyway so if you are seeking a pat on the back from someone, you can have one from me - I realise that's not worth much but I just want to say I hear you.

I think YABU. Houses and cars are expensive and your parents value them. You may not want either now but when you do then you will be pleased they made you wait.
I'd want to help for either of those but I wouldn't for a holiday.

I have 3 adult children and I have helped them all individually at various points in their life when things have gone wrong. I certainly don't tot it up and think oh I gave x ££ when they lost their job so must give the other 2 something as well. I hope they are not on posting on here that it's not fair

Spice22 Why was your post directed at me? I was not the poster who suggested a car or house was required.

Thank you Goldfish, it's worth a lot

On the contrary there are many specific circumstances which could certainly be considered the norm these days - divorce, illness, legal problems etc - all of these things are common in modern life. Who wouldn't refuse to help their offspring if they had the money - and what kind of sibling would demand an equal payment when they had no such need?

Well I have certainly suffered from serious illness but that doesn't mean I "need" money from my parents and I certainly wouldn't expect them to give me more money than my siblings as a result. Most adults can look after themselves even if they do divorce. I appreciate that occasionally, adults will genuine dire straits for some reason and need financial assistance but it don't think it is common at all.

That's shit and I wouldn't do it

Its a gift because she's achieved a milestone and you haven't achieved it? My parents gave me £2000 for passing my GCSEs back in 2006 my DB who spent most of his school years being a prat flunked his so got nothing.

This from bellabooboo ^

What did you do with the 2 grand bella?

Did you get anything nice? Go travelling? Put it towards a car/driving lessons?

Sorry, but this sounds 100% sibling jealousy. You perceive your younger sis has had support through uni, car, and possibly a ton of other stuff that you feel you didnt get.

I have a straightforward view on this. No 2 children are the same. To treat equally, doesnt mean equal reward as such, 'just because'. My DM would constantly reward 'just because' which ended up totally unfair on one of my children. For example, DD would help her clean the garage out. DS would play nintendo on the couch. DD got £5 for her help. DS got £5 ' just because' it would be unfair not to.

Your parents are being very fair. They acknowledge that driving (cost of insurance/car/whatever) will require a bit of help. Theyve been open and up front with you. You will have occasion in the future to need a lump sum for a significant event, and thats what they are acknowledging. You believe youd like it now and can be trusted to keep it till then, but feel youd quite like a windfall to help with holidays or such.

Theyll match it when its needed.

How are you going to deal with say your sister getting married first? What if you dont ever wish to get married? Will you hand them a running debt of what you believe youre owed or just cut all ties over the inequality of it all? Sibling rivalry can be very destructive, so much nicer if you were pleased for her and added a little windfall towards her car pot too.