Parents withholding gift of money. Am I ungrateful?

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My DSis (18, I'm 27) recently passed her driving test and was given £500 towards a car by my parents. They gave this to her in front of me and said "we're not leaving you out, the same is waiting for you when you come to either buy a house or pass your driving test"
However, they know I have no plans to buy a house in the near future (I rent with DP and we're very content with that for now) and where we live, having a car would be more of a hinderance than a help- very central, very good public transport, nowhere to actually put a car. So I don't really plan on learning to drive anytime soon either as we love where we live.
AIBU to think that if they want to give me a gift of money, it's not really fair for them to withhold it until I want to spend it on what they want me to?
I know it's their money, they don't HAVE to give me anything, and it would never have even crossed my mind that they would give me anything. I don't want to come across entitled, but they're the ones that mentioned it!
I also wouldn't fritter away the money on nothing. They know we love to travel and if I was given a gift of money I'd probably put it towards a trip, because that is what I like to do.
I feel like they really shouldn't have mentioned it at all. I don't actually know what I want to do about this, as I can't really bring it up with them so I think I just wanted to know if it's only me that thinks this is unfair of them? Am I ungrateful?

I think it is really hard to keep things fair in a family when people become adults anyway!

DH was gifted a car by MIL when she didn't want it anymore and it was most certainly welcome at the time!... They never felt the need to give DSIL anything.

Same as they gave DSIL something like £10,000 in total for her wedding but we didn't want that so they put some money behind the bar and gave us £3,000 to help us move into our own place.

Families arn't fair and the money divided is not always equal, you could spend years trying to compare things and it would drive you mad!

Also at 18 a car is a really expensive thing to afford and try and save money for. At 27 you should be in a position to afford your own travel to and from work.

I absolutely agree with this 100% by wando ^. You don't have to get a car, and can still walk and cycle and use buses and trains etc. But why someone wouldn't want to learn to drive is beyond me.

Why would someone want to learn to drive if they didn't intend to use the skill in the near future? Perhaps they don't want to drive because they can easily get around using public transport or cycling and they care about the environment.
DH didn't drive until his 30s because we lived in a major city with very good public transport plus he is very fit and has no problem cycling 20 miles to somewhere. He did learn to drive once we had children and he wanted to be able to pick them up from nursery etc but prior to that it wasn't at all.

Your parents are right and I've said the same to my dcs. They said they will give you the same amount of money when you either buy a house or buy a car. It's your choice not to buy those things.

There's nothing manipulative or unreasonable about what the parents are doing; maybe they are just trying to give the OP a shove into adulthood!

Of course it is manipulative especially as they're trying to move her to their idea of "adulthood".

It would piss me off too, but then my parents have form for this.

My grandad left me a small amount, less than £1k in his will. My mum didnt tell me and hung on to it until she deemed I needed it for something she approved of. My sister was given hers and told not to tell me! DSis did tell me and I told mum to stick the money when she finally brought it up, having decided I needed a new fence.......

Do you think they only want to gift you the money to buy 'an asset' like a car or house? Maybe it's a bit of a generational thing - they won't just give you the cash to spend leaving you nothing to show for it.

I think the idea that adult children have different "needs" is really just an excuse to treat children differently and/or manipulate. Once adult children have left education it is unusual to actually "need" money from a parent. It is always an extra gift and therefore unfair to give it to one adult child and not the other?

My parents paid for DSis wedding and bought her loads of things when she had a baby. I knew they would pay for my wedding and help me with stuff for a baby, but I was single at the time. It didn't occur to me that my parents should have given me the same amount of money as a lump sum and I don't think they were being manipulative by not doing so, they were choosing to help with specific life events. As it happens, I did get married and now have 2 DC and they have helped with both. However, my other DSis is still single, I'll have to ask her to see if she thinks my parents are manipulating her by not giving her money / stuff if she doesn't get married and have a baby, but I strongly suspect not. Like buying a car, both are expensive things to do, and I'm financially worse off after doing them despite the help from my parents!

However, if you already feel like your parents favour your sister I can see the way they said could come across badly.

I think you're thinking of this the wrong way OP - they haven't gifted her £500 pounds, which she's then spending on a car, they're gifted her £500 pounds worth of car (which i assume she is topping up to the price of whatever car she purchases).

They had said they're perfectly willing to give you the same gift of £500 worth of car - you've said you don't want it, you want a holiday instead, but that's not the present they were offering you.

You were offered the same things - if you don't like it that's about you, not about them being unfair.

Yes they're making a judgment about what they want to spend their money on, but what's so wrong with that? Of course they're going to choose to spend their money on things they perceive as value for money - if you want to fritter money away on something useless like a holiday then buy your own.

It really depends what your parents' personality is like generally as to whether they are criticising your life choices or not.

One of our parents is lovely and respects our decisions in life, even if they aren't always the ones she would make. She mentioned that she is giving each of her children money when they buy a house. We aren't yet, but there was no sense that she was criticising that, she is just wanting to help her kids when we come to an expensive purchase in the future. One of her other adult children has needed financial support for various things and, whilst she has turned down some daft requests, she does think about what is important to him and would help his wellbeing.

Another of our parents just can't understand that others have different priorities and ambitions to him. When he has offered his adult children money in the past it has been with strings attached, e.g. to do something he thinks is important, even if the recipient isn't interested. It's sad to see as it is clear that he wants his adult kids to be different and have the same interests and goals as him, and offers money to try and skew their behaviour.

I guess it depends on your parents characters and your relationship with them as to which it is.

Btw I haven't driven a car for 12 years and really don't want to drive ever again. We wouldn't move to a place where a car was necessary for daily life as we dislike driving and dislike car dominated places. In an age of dangerous air pollution, congestion, road traffic accident deaths and impending climate change I think the insistence that driving a car is a fundamental life skill is really sad. And btw the last time I accepted a lift was two years ago from my mother, I was quite happy to take a taxi but she insisted. I turn down lifts because funnily enough I dislike travelling by car! When it is necessary you can taxi, uber or hire a car if you really want, cheaper than maintaining your own car for occasional use.

And the OP's parents have said the money us only for owning a car, not lessons, so the OP would have to spend her own money on lessons and servicing and parking for this car, and presumably put money towards it unless she gets one for 500 quid.

Also a car is a rubbish investment as ppl have suggested (unless they are planning to buy her a limited edition supercar...), a new car massively depreciates as you drive out the showroom, and I doubt a second hand car will hold it's price over the years, the value will go down. If you are going to actually use it that's one thing, but the OP has said she won't use it and has nowhere to park it!

littlefrog "People who refuse to learn to drive are selfish as fuck IMO. Not everything they do and everywhere they go is going to be in the city they live in FGS!"

I learnt to drive so long ago, in relative terms it was much cheaper and also the London roads weren't so insane. I don't know if I'd make a decision to learn if I was young now. It's certainly not necessary here.

most of my friends are commuters who don't have cars. A couple have moved out further but that's okay, if I am invited to stay then I can take a cab from the station. So far no one has moved rural enough to make that impossible. I have good friends who moved quite far north but they are all near mainline stations and commute via public transport too.

Taking lifts from someone all the time when you can't return a favour any other way is different but I didn't get that impression from the OP and it seems a very odd thing to attach to the thread.

Sorry to be the devil's advocate, but owning a car is a financial responsibility. Your sister has to put petrol in the car, pay insurance, maintenance on the car, and if she has a car note then she has to pay that too. Buying a house is a huge financial responsibility. I don't see the money they're giving for these reasons as just passing out money to spend freely. It's like a cushion or support for maintenance of these two things. And to be honest, that's not a whole lot of money when looking at the big picture of what it costs to maintain these things or pay for them.

I have to say that MN is the only place I know where what appears to be huge quantities of (mostly) women don't drive. In real life I can't think of a single soul over the age of 20 who doesn't drive (or at least learning) it's a massive life skill and can also be a pre-requisite for a number of jobs. Even those unrelated to driving i.e. Work is across two sites, car provided DL essential....
whilst I didn't have a car or drive very much when I lived in London, life changes and several moves later
I found myself in the country with children and a need to drive to get to work.

So no, your parents are NBU if they consider learning to drive/buying a house 2 essential life milestones that they are willing to encourage with a cash sum.

Does your DP drive OP ?

I am probably their age and I think of travel as frittering.
Money from me is for a house deposit only.
Although j do nag those who can't drive. If you think I am unreasonable, read the relationships board and it always seems that bad situations are made worse by somebody not being able to drive.

whilst I didn't have a car or drive very much when I lived in London, life changes and several moves later

Not everyone moves out of London. Anyway, if you didn't drive when you were in London why learn at that stage? It could be quite dangerous to pass the test but then not drive for a few years. It would be far safer to learn at the time you need to drive.

Choosing not to drive and arranging your life around public transport is absolutely fine, and I never see the anger at non drivers anywhere else but here! I live in a rural area with good transport links and there are lots of non drivers who manage just fine.

If someone cant drive and makes it everyone elses problem by taking a job they cannot reasonably get to without someone else putting themselves out with daily lifts, or demanding lifts to and from their home for shopping, trips etc it has nothing to do with their driving or lack of, its because they are selfish takers. It really pisses me off that so many people make the assumption that Cant Drive = Selfish Fucker. A selfish fucker is a selfish fucker, car or not!

Who paid for DSis driving lessons?

Roomster: 'Of course it is manipulative especially as they're trying to move her to their idea of "adulthood".'

I think you're right. That's exactly what they're doing.

I think about this a lot. I will always treat all the children equally even if one has less money than another and even if one needs money more than the other. My will leave it all equally whatever their circumstances at the time for example and I have given the older 3 children exactly the same sum for housing down to the last penny and willdo for the younger ones in due course. I won't allow for inflation as it's very low at the moment so it's not a big enough issue to make a difference.

I paid law school fees for one daughter but not the other whose law firm paid but I see that as my parents' philosophy too - they paid for our education -the fact my brother read medicine and I read law meant my brother had an extra couple of years paid for but that was still the same principle - the education paid for (and our school fees) so doesn't feel unfair even if not identical. I would not give a child who didn't need law school fees or chose not to go to university what I had spent on university. I am paying the twins' university fees £9k each later this year whereas their siblins' were lower fees but again same principle - I am ensuring they all graduate debt free.

I hope they all feel I have been quite fair.

I think the idea that adult children have different "needs" is really just an excuse to treat children differently and/or manipulate. Once adult children have left education it is unusual to actually "need" money from a parent. It is always an extra gift and therefore unfair to give it to one adult child and not the other?

Don't agree at all - and I have been on both ends of this. My brother had (is having) a difficult time in his life - he is in his 50s!! My parents have helped him out otherwise he would have been in a mess. Do I expect them to give me the same amount at my age (I am older than he is)? No - because I am not a selfish cow. Should I tell them that if they can't give me the same then they shouldn't help him because it makes them manipulative? What a load of bollocks.

I also have 2 adult children who have their own homes. Sometimes one might need help with something when the other doesn't, sometimes vice versa - I help when I can - when it is needed. I haven't actually calculated if it works out evenly because I didn't realise that family life was so mathematical.

I think this is quite common, my in laws have done this. Given money to dh and I when we purchased a house and have said they would do the same for my sil if she buys one too. She hasn't so she's not had any money. They've worked super hard for their money and they strongly believe in buying your own property so they are happy to give their money but for that purpose. It's their money, their choice - if they want to put conditions on it then they can.

While I'm sure £500 would be nice and you wouldn't squander it, if your parents want to put their money towards something specific that they value (like a house) then I think that's fair enough.

In real life I can't think of a single soul over the age of 20 who doesn't drive (or at least learning)

I know plenty of people who have never learned to drive! Not everyone needs or wants to. I live in a big city and I did learn, but haven't driven at all for the past 15 years. I might as well have not learned, as if I ever start again I'm going to need a whole load of refresher lessons.

My boyfriend was so embarrassed to tell me that he couldn't drive, and I really couldn't understand why. Now I see some of the comments on this thread ("selfish as fuck"? Really??) it all makes sense!

I dont think its the fact that they want to give money towards a car or a house that the problem, its the dangling it in front of the OP as if to say "If you do what we think you should do then we will give you money".

Thats what makes it manipulative. They didnt need to say anything at all!

Don't agree at all - and I have been on both ends of this. My brother had (is having) a difficult time in his life - he is in his 50s!! My parents have helped him out otherwise he would have been in a mess.

I said that it is unusual not that it never happens. Obviously, there may be a specific circumstance in your brother's case but that doesn't mean it is the norm. Most of the time, it is just a case of parents manipulating and/or treating their children unequally.

Thats what makes it manipulative. They didnt need to say anything at all!

Exactly. If they aren't being manipulative why even mention it.