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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Parents withholding gift of money. Am I ungrateful?

225 replies

ContactLenses · 30/03/2017 10:34

My DSis (18, I'm 27) recently passed her driving test and was given £500 towards a car by my parents. They gave this to her in front of me and said "we're not leaving you out, the same is waiting for you when you come to either buy a house or pass your driving test"
However, they know I have no plans to buy a house in the near future (I rent with DP and we're very content with that for now) and where we live, having a car would be more of a hinderance than a help- very central, very good public transport, nowhere to actually put a car. So I don't really plan on learning to drive anytime soon either as we love where we live.
AIBU to think that if they want to give me a gift of money, it's not really fair for them to withhold it until I want to spend it on what they want me to?
I know it's their money, they don't HAVE to give me anything, and it would never have even crossed my mind that they would give me anything. I don't want to come across entitled, but they're the ones that mentioned it!
I also wouldn't fritter away the money on nothing. They know we love to travel and if I was given a gift of money I'd probably put it towards a trip, because that is what I like to do.
I feel like they really shouldn't have mentioned it at all. I don't actually know what I want to do about this, as I can't really bring it up with them so I think I just wanted to know if it's only me that thinks this is unfair of them? Am I ungrateful?

OP posts:

Goldfishjane · 30/03/2017 12:31

if OP learns to drive now, she'll have nowhere to keep a car so will lose years possibly if she drives again later.

she also may not drive again later. So if the parents were offering the money for lessons, I could see maybe taking advantage of that, but in reality the OP would pay for her lessons and then what? pay for a car she doesn't use and can't house or has to pay a permit anyway - to park nowhere near her home if she's in a London CPZ.

also how much can you do on the never-never? I passed my test at 18, then got rid of my car at 27ish, haven't driven since. So now I won't drive because after 15 years of not driving, I am not going to suddenly rent a car to go anywhere, it would be pointless.

if you need to drive later, if you have the lessons then at least things will stick in your mind. Plus, it's like I learned on a different planet in terms of London driving. If you need to learn you might as well learn at the time you need and then the rules of the road will stay in your head.

You might not want to have children and you might not want to drive. Many things are possible.

Goldfishjane · 30/03/2017 12:32

"So now I won't drive because after 15 years of not driving, I am not going to suddenly rent a car to go anywhere, it would be pointless."

sorry I didn't finish that - it would be pointless because I'd now need refresher lessons and by the time you've paid for that, you could have just paid for a cab.

sirfredfredgeorge · 30/03/2017 12:34

trying to give the OP a shove into adulthood

You obviously share the parents views that driving a car and owning a house are required things to be an adult - neither of them are.

SapphireStrange · 30/03/2017 12:35

I don't even understand why someone of 27, feels the need to have £500 given to them by mommy and daddy to be honest.

She doesn't feel the need. She says I know it's their money, they don't HAVE to give me anything, and it would never have even crossed my mind that they would give me anything

She just feels judged.

frieda909 · 30/03/2017 12:36

I have a brother with a similar age difference between the two of us, and I have to say I think YABU. It's never occurred to me to expect my parents to match the amounts they give him and give them to me too.

Giving £500 to an 18 year old to buy her first car is very different to giving £500 to a 27 year old to go on holiday.

I find it odd that your parents brought it up at all.

CotswoldStrife · 30/03/2017 12:37

Hmm, I think the OP has already admitted that it's not really the money that has the hurt factor for her, but the fact that her parents don't see her as 'achieving' in the same way as her sister has.

We all have our own views on what would be an achievement but I can see that your parents want to contribute to something physical so they can look at it and think 'we helped with that'. You can't look at a holiday or travel in the same way (and I'll admit that I wouldn't personally give my child money for a holiday either, I am with your parents on that one!).

grumpygiraffe · 30/03/2017 12:45

Your parents may be on a power kick - but that will only work if they know you're upset.

Deny them the pleasure by deciding that as you're an adult you don't need handouts from your parents, and by forgetting all about it.

gleam · 30/03/2017 12:47

Don't let it get to you, op.

We've told our kids that we'll pay for driving lessons. So far, only one has bothered to get a licence (which was also paid for them). If one goes ahead with lessons and the others do not, they won't be getting a lump sum in lieu of lessons.

And it's not meant to be manipulative, just helpful. Though now I've written that, I can appreciate that it might be seen that way.

Epipgab · 30/03/2017 12:47

YANBU to be irritated and I don't agree with your parents' stance. Not much you can do though really. Do they normally try to treat you as younger than you are? You are 27, so your parents giving a "reward" for doing something they approve of, instead of unconditionally, doesn't seem so appropriate.

CreamCheez · 30/03/2017 12:52

It's up to them, really. I've never questioned or compared with my sister, who has probably received a lot more than me... It's my parents' business.

frieda909 · 30/03/2017 12:58

You are 27, so your parents giving a "reward" for doing something they approve of, instead of unconditionally, doesn't seem so appropriate.

I disagree. It's entirely up to the gift-giver to give for whatever occasion they deem appropriate. Lots of my friends have got married recently and received gifts, but I haven't turned around and said to those people 'I'm not getting married but can I have a gift too?' I know I'm being a bit obtuse there but hopefully you get what I mean!

Wando1986 · 30/03/2017 13:01

Regardless of whether you need a car now or not you should learn to drive. Otherwise you could be stuck in years worth of lessons when you actually need to drive. Driving is a lifeskill that everyone should have these days. It wasn't optional for me, when I was 17 I was sent to lessons every week until I passed, my kids will be too. Thankfully I love driving though.

supersop60 · 30/03/2017 13:04

My parents always treated my sister and me equally. When Dsis was about 23 and started working away from home, the Ps gave her a car. I already had a car and was already working away, and yet they gave me the equivalent value in cash. (£1000). I was hugely appreciative, and my Dsis was quite happy. We both had (unasked for) help with mortgage deposits in later years. I think the OP's parents are being a bit U.

motheroftwoboys · 30/03/2017 13:06

Our "boys" are 26 and 24. The younger one and his girlfriend are looking to buy their first house this summer. We have offered to lend them a lump sum towards the deposit. Our older son is freelance and no way in a position to buy a house at the moment. However we have recently lent him money to pay for his driving lessons and test. He has now got a bank loan to buy his first car as it is better for his credit rating. We do whatever is needed at the time but their needs are rarely equal. We will occasionally give them a bit of money as a gift, when an endowment policy matures or something like that. That is then "pennies from heaven" and they can do what they want with it.

Clandestino · 30/03/2017 13:07

But they're not the types to live and let live!

Well, there's no problem for you to be the type. Just use your own money for that.

EssentialHummus · 30/03/2017 13:15

They are absolutely making a value judgement / attempting to exert control with their cash, and I'd be equally frustrated. But I'd do my best to move on - you're living your life in a way that doesn't require their cash or contribution. Crack on.

littlefrog3 · 30/03/2017 13:18

I absolutely agree with this 100% by wando ^. You don't have to get a car, and can still walk and cycle and use buses and trains etc. But why someone wouldn't want to learn to drive is beyond me. My niece only just passed at 25 after 2 years of lessons and 3 tests, and she is elated. She said she got sick of always being the only one in her friendship group (of 10 or so) who couldn't drive. Always having to depend on lifts from her dad, her boyfriend, her pals etc etc...

Also people who are in relationships with someone who can't drive/refuse to learn get tired (very quickly!) of being with someone who can't drive. It gets old very quickly, being the designated driver. For EVERYTHING.

My friend works with a woman who can't drive - at the age of 40, and her husband has to take her to work and pick her up 4 times a week... 80 miles each time! (It's a 20 mile round trip and he has to do it twice each day.) They live in a place with poor public transport, no trains, last bus at 6pm, and she does shift work. He has this in addition to his own full time job, and his own 55 mile round trip each day to work and back.

And the older you get, the harder it gets to pass. If the OP's parents ARE going to give her £500, paying for driving lessons is the most sensible and logical thing to spend it on.

sirfredfredgeorge · 30/03/2017 13:19

Driving is a lifeskill that everyone should have these days

Really, it's not, in cities it's very easy to get by without driving, and with self driving cars, and calls for new tests to enable you to "drive" them, it means it's quite possible that you'll never need to learn to drive, and if you do, you'll need to take another.

zeezeek · 30/03/2017 13:19

I think people in their 20's or maybe even 30's pre kids see things very differently to people with children. When I was in my 20's, I would perhaps have felt aggrieved. In my 40's and now that I have a lovely home, the reasoning makes perfect sense.

I'm nearly 50 with a lovely home, but it still makes no sense to me. It is manipulative and the OP's parents are definitely giving her the message that her life choices are not as worthy as her sisters.

I don't think that the OP is demanding that she has the money - they said that they would give her the same sum when we has done either of the two things that they approve of. That's the issue, and that's what makes them manipulative.

littlefrog3 · 30/03/2017 13:22

Sorry, it's a 40 mile round trip for the woman my friend works with, not a 20 mile round trip. It's 20 miles each way, and her husband has to drive there to take her, then drive back, then do it again to fetch her back. Ergo 80 miles a day he has to travel to enable her to get to work and back...

littlefrog3 · 30/03/2017 13:24

I also find it unfathomable that people say 'I don't need to learn coz I live in a city.' What utter tripe. That is a lame reason to refuse to learn.

People who refuse to learn to drive are selfish as fuck IMO. Not everything they do and everywhere they go is going to be in the city they live in FGS!

1AnnoyingOrange · 30/03/2017 13:25

I think that if the giver wants to put conditions on a gift then they can. You didn't lose £500, you just want £500 now as your sister has £500. She probably could have done with the money to help buy the car. They were trying to make it fair. They didnt give her £500 to go travelling (which my parents would find utterly frivolous) it was for a car.

So you have a promise of £500 if you buy a house or do need a car in the future. Just say "I'll remember that" and smile. You are being ungrateful.

littlefrog3 · 30/03/2017 13:25

Problem is people who refuse to learn, will always happily let everyone drive them around. Forever. So self centred.

*disclaimer. I am on about people who REFUSE to learn, not people who simply can't drive for medical reasons, or because they can't pass, or are maybe too scared...

sonjadog · 30/03/2017 13:29

I think your parents are exactly right. At some point in life you will probably want to buy a house or learn to drive, and then you will be very glad for the extra money.

llangennith · 30/03/2017 13:35

YABU. Sorry!

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