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AIBU?

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Original poster

Parents withholding gift of money. Am I ungrateful?

225 replies

ContactLenses · 30/03/2017 10:34

My DSis (18, I'm 27) recently passed her driving test and was given £500 towards a car by my parents. They gave this to her in front of me and said "we're not leaving you out, the same is waiting for you when you come to either buy a house or pass your driving test"
However, they know I have no plans to buy a house in the near future (I rent with DP and we're very content with that for now) and where we live, having a car would be more of a hinderance than a help- very central, very good public transport, nowhere to actually put a car. So I don't really plan on learning to drive anytime soon either as we love where we live.
AIBU to think that if they want to give me a gift of money, it's not really fair for them to withhold it until I want to spend it on what they want me to?
I know it's their money, they don't HAVE to give me anything, and it would never have even crossed my mind that they would give me anything. I don't want to come across entitled, but they're the ones that mentioned it!
I also wouldn't fritter away the money on nothing. They know we love to travel and if I was given a gift of money I'd probably put it towards a trip, because that is what I like to do.
I feel like they really shouldn't have mentioned it at all. I don't actually know what I want to do about this, as I can't really bring it up with them so I think I just wanted to know if it's only me that thinks this is unfair of them? Am I ungrateful?

OP posts:
EnormousTiger · 30/03/2017 11:01

I have given my 3 older children quite a bit of money but only towards property. So if one was not interested in owning a house or flat then they wouldn't get the money. I have paid the money either directly to their property lawyer or direct to their mortgage lender. Obviously I cannot stop them selling the next day and spending the money on travel but I hope they won't (and I could have made it a loan instead if I wanted to be overly controlling) but my point is that parents often do want money spent on something they think is worthwhile. In the same way I am paying or have paid for their university education and to pass their driving tests at 17 but would not give the equivalent money if they don't do that.

In my view holidays are frittering and a house purchase is not.

HotelEuphoria · 30/03/2017 11:02

Agree with greenworm - I am a firm believer that you should get your pink licence as soon as possible, irrespective of whether to intend to drive soon or not. Who knows how the test process may change in the future. £500 towards lessons may be something your parents are happy to invest in and in the future you may well be glad that you have that licence whenever you wish to use it.

DD didn't see the point in getting hers as she was off to uni and couldn't afford a car. When she eventually passed she was so glad and uses it all the time now despite living in inner city Leeds.

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 30/03/2017 11:03

Yes you are Ungrateful,They want to give it to you for something worthwhile that's up to them.

deadringer · 30/03/2017 11:09

Yabu. I have a dd of almost 27 and a dd of 18. I don't treat them the same with regards to money or anything else really. Why would i, they are different people with different lives and needs. What if your sister had a baby and your parents gave her money to pay for a big christening party, would you expect money too? Or would you just expect them to do the same for you when you have a baby? Its the same thing imo.

Allthebestnamesareused · 30/03/2017 11:09

Perhaps they gave it to her in front of you because it was the only time they were seeing her too.

My Dad has given each of the grandchildren (even my DSS) £1000 when they pass their tests towards a car. We didn't whinge and moan that the grandchildren in the US (where he lives also) get a better deal in that they can afford a car and to insure it with that amount whereas that amount doesn't even cover insurance for my boys. They gratefully accepted it and put it towards their insurance.

It is not a gift until you have received it so therefore it is not a gift with strings attached.

You just have to accept that there a milestones that your parents wish to celebrate by generously giving a cash gift at those points. Are either you or your DSis married yet. I suspect this might be another occasion where there would be a contribution to the wedding or a cash gift. Again if you chose not to marry why should they be obliged to give the cash equivalent to the sibling that doesn't?

fruitbrewhaha · 30/03/2017 11:14

£500 to go towards a car, insurance, etc will not go far. It's a drop in the ocean.

I'd forget about it.
I'd learn to drive though if i were you. Even if you don't need it at the moment, it's life skill.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/03/2017 11:14

If you want to go on holiday, you save up. If you want to buy a tangible objects such as a house it's tough to save up enough of a deposit. Your parents are offering you a small gesture for when you are ready for the responsibility of home ownership.

You and your dp live in a city, you don't sound as if you need the money. So it's earmarked to help you when there is a need. And at 27, Is there any reason you aren't thinking about saving up a deposit on a house? You don't sound as if you're living hand to mouth.

Goldfishjane · 30/03/2017 11:16

OP "Goldfish oh yes I think they're definitely trying to make a point! They find it incredulous that I can't drive and don't want to own a house just yet. They just can't get their heads around it. As I'm sure many other people are too! But they're not the types to live and let live!"

yes, that's poor form - they are blatantly telling you this because they don't like your choices and effectively saying "here is the GOOD daughter, we approve of HER".

user1471545174 · 30/03/2017 11:17

You're completely missing the point. They are linking the gift to achievement (in their terms). Going on holiday isn't an achievement, even if you describe it as travelling. You might not agree with their terms, but their money = their terms.

SapphireStrange · 30/03/2017 11:19

I think YANBU.

I don't think they owe either of their children any money, but neither do I think they should promise money for only a few specific things. These are obviously things that they deem important but that you, as you've said here, don't, for good reasons.

If they want to give money they should give it freely; if they don't want to, they shouldn't dangle it in front of you and say you can have it for particular things of which they approve.

What if your sister had a baby and your parents gave her money to pay for a big christening party, would you expect money too? Or would you just expect them to do the same for you when you have a baby? Its the same thing imo.

This analogy shows why this way of giving money could potentially get people into very tricky waters. What if the OP dearly wanted but found out she couldn't have children? Or what if she simply doesn't want them?

228agreenend · 30/03/2017 11:20

From your title, i thought your parents were withholding an inheritance, or some money someone had given you for a birthday present.

Unfortunately, I do,think you are being a little,unreasonable, although I understand where you are coming from. As someone said unthread, it's more of a reward for passing your driving test or marking the occasion of a house, rather than a nominal gift.

I can understand why you want to,invest it into travel. However, your parents want to mark these life achievements.

littlefrog3 · 30/03/2017 11:23

Playing devil's advocate; why not use the £500 to pass your driving test?

Driving is a skill, that is needed quite often in life, and I can't understand anyone who wouldn't want to learn how to do it.

RitaMills · 30/03/2017 11:25

Personally I think spending it on a holiday falls under the 'fritter it away' catergory. The money is for a house or car, they aren't withholding anything as they have gave you their conditions for handing over the cash.

If it's any consolation my younger brother passed his test at 17, my parents bought him a brand new car and paid his insurance for a year. I did start lessons a few years later and when I passed I got to trade that car in when I bought my new one but my brother still got the better end of the deal, I'm not in any way bitter about it, I still got a good trade in price.

StoatofDisarray · 30/03/2017 11:25

Rise above it. It's a very narrow view of what constitutes an "achievement", and by making the gift in front of you and telling you what socially-acceptable hurdles you will have to leap through to be equally "blessed" they are making a point.

OTOH, I don't see a holiday as much of an achievement either, and you might very well try to buy a house one day, or even learn to drive, at which point I'm sure they'll bung you the cash.

For now, just let it go. I understand why you feel a bit miffed, though.

TL;DR: YAB(a bit)U.

MackerelOfFact · 30/03/2017 11:25

YABU. My parents have a similar thing; my DB was given money for a deposit and wedding, and I have an equal amount 'waiting for me' even though I have no plans to buy a house (live in London) or get married (not interested, and even if I was, it would be very low-key and inexpensive).

I think it stems from them wanting to feel like they're help out in your life journey, rather than just giving you money to spend on little luxuries. I get that, even though it feels a bit prescriptive and unfair.

Essentially, though, I just want my parents to enjoy themselves and spend their own money so I'd never say anything to them.

MackerelOfFact · 30/03/2017 11:26

*helping

NoSquirrels · 30/03/2017 11:27

I don't think this is unreasonable of your parents.

My DP gave all their DC money for "specific" things. They were not prescriptive about what those things should be, but they contributed towards things they a) knew to be very expensive and b) considered worthwhile. So, driving lessons, gifts on moving into new houses to buy white goods, extra study if needed for career, etc. It's their money, and they are being fair by offering you the same chance as your sister. It's your lookout that you don't wish to take them up on the "offer".

I do think you'd have a point if you had asked for the £500 to go towards driving lessons, rather than a car, and they'd said no, but you haven't. A holiday is not the same as the means of transport that can open up job opportunities etc.

On another note, I learned to drive late and should have done it earlier, and I definitely talked myself out of it due to a lot of the factors you have mentioned - need, convenience etc. If you can learn earlier it's probably for the best in the long run.

Jux · 30/03/2017 11:27

They are celebrating an achievement that your sister has accomplished, and told you that when you do the same they will celebrate similarly with you.

So do the same.

Yes, you do sound U, and entitled as in "they gave my sister money because she achieved something, and I want money for doing nothing". So what if you don't want a car right now? What has that got to do with being able to drive?

QuiteLikely5 · 30/03/2017 11:29

It's wrong to phrase it as money with strings attached. What a cheek!!!

I'll be doing something similar to your parents and if my kids don't do driving lessons then they ain't getting the money to spend elsewhere!

I will not benefit if they drive - they will.

RebelandaStunner · 30/03/2017 11:30

I think yabu. They want to help you with the right things in their view.
We've saved up house deposits for DC (some of it from family). They are only getting that money when they are about to sign. If they never get in the position to buy a house they can have it for furniture/white goods etc. While I think seeing the world is important, it's too much money to fritter away on holidays.

SapphireStrange · 30/03/2017 11:31

Jux, the OP says quite clearly she doesn't want or expect money; what I got from her post is that she just feels upset/aggrieved because she feels that her life choices are being judged.

sirfredfredgeorge · 30/03/2017 11:32

Your parents are being manipulative and unreasonable.

You are also being unreasonable to moan about it, if they choose to be manipulative, you need to just ignore them.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/03/2017 11:32

Rita

If your parents bought your brother a car, how come you got to trade it in? Would it be better to say that they bought a car for their children to use?. IE they passed it on to you and you used the value left in it to part pay for a car of your own and for the insurance?

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/03/2017 11:36

Fred

"Manipulative" "unreasonable". Yawn.

I think people in their 20's or maybe even 30's pre kids see things very differently to people with children. When I was in my 20's, I would perhaps have felt aggrieved. In my 40's and now that I have a lovely home, the reasoning makes perfect sense.

Biker47 · 30/03/2017 11:36

Playing devil's advocate; why not use the £500 to pass your driving test?

The OP has already said they won't give them the money for lessons, which is pretty odd if you ask me. FWIW I don't think the OP is being as unreasonable as some would suggest. If it was me as the parent, I would just have gave the same ammount to both kids at the same time then how they used it was up to them, if they blow it, they blow it. Trying to engineer your adult children into doing something for financial incentives doesn't sit well with me and something I would never do.

If they brought it up again with me, I'd just tell them to keep the money and I'm not playing their games.

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