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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Parents withholding gift of money. Am I ungrateful?

225 replies

ContactLenses · 30/03/2017 10:34

My DSis (18, I'm 27) recently passed her driving test and was given £500 towards a car by my parents. They gave this to her in front of me and said "we're not leaving you out, the same is waiting for you when you come to either buy a house or pass your driving test"
However, they know I have no plans to buy a house in the near future (I rent with DP and we're very content with that for now) and where we live, having a car would be more of a hinderance than a help- very central, very good public transport, nowhere to actually put a car. So I don't really plan on learning to drive anytime soon either as we love where we live.
AIBU to think that if they want to give me a gift of money, it's not really fair for them to withhold it until I want to spend it on what they want me to?
I know it's their money, they don't HAVE to give me anything, and it would never have even crossed my mind that they would give me anything. I don't want to come across entitled, but they're the ones that mentioned it!
I also wouldn't fritter away the money on nothing. They know we love to travel and if I was given a gift of money I'd probably put it towards a trip, because that is what I like to do.
I feel like they really shouldn't have mentioned it at all. I don't actually know what I want to do about this, as I can't really bring it up with them so I think I just wanted to know if it's only me that thinks this is unfair of them? Am I ungrateful?

OP posts:

EnormousTiger · 30/03/2017 11:37

In fact I would pay for children's drivingl essons ( I did and all 5 passed age 17 as did I) but not pay for car. My reason for that is getting them the qualification is what counts. Owning the piece of meal is not important and indeed I'd much rather they owned a flat or house than a car.

DrudgeJedd · 30/03/2017 11:41

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, your parents are showing you and your sister which achievements and aspirations they consider worthy of reward. Try to forget about the money and continue to live your life the way you want to.
I've read posts on here from parents who will pay uni fees but only if their child chooses a course the parents approve of. Bloody ridiculous behavior.

Falafelings · 30/03/2017 11:41

It's really normal for parents to set aside cash for specific things. House car wedding first grandchild. Travel tends to be financed by the person doing the travelling. So what if the cash takes years to get to you for the purpose intended?

In your shoes I'd ask for cash towards driving lessons and explain that a car is not practical but it would be constructive to have test/lessons under your belt.

MackerelOfFact · 30/03/2017 11:42

If there is more to it though and you think they're deliberately trying to manipulate you to do the things they approve of, YANBU.

Driving lessons, a driving test, new driver car insurance and car purchase cost far more than £500 though, so it's hardly much of a bribe, is it?

Goldfishjane · 30/03/2017 11:42

frog "Playing devil's advocate; why not use the £500 to pass your driving test?"

they're not offering it for that. They're offering it for a car that OP doesn't have room to keep.

It is their money, I just think it's a bit weird to be offering money to adult children for specific things. I suppose if the adult children in question were ragingly irresponsible it's different.

btw I notice a lot of people saying OP might want to buy. Yes, oddly enough I bought at 28. My dad harped on about it for ages and I just told him vaguely "mm" because it was none of his fucking business whether I rented or owned.

Then when I bought, I just told him I had done it and he was astonished, I don't know why he expected to be informed in advance. I waited till I had a certain tipping point in savings so I wasn't flat broke after paying a deposit, then I just got on with it. Maybe OP won't want to take money if/when she buys a property. I didn't want to take money either. If I had taken a penny from my parents they'd have had all kinds of comments to make about where I bought - as it was it sold for a tidy profit so yay.

it's the "gifts with strings attached" that weirds me out here.

RitaMills · 30/03/2017 11:43

Mummyoflittledragon yes technically that's true although it was bought specifically for him as I was older and out of the house by then, my mum probably though I'd never learn to drive. I passed 3 years after my brother did so he used the car for those years, he went for a new car and I then used the car my parents bought for a few months and then they then let me trade it in. They didn't pay my insurance though

anotherdayanothersquabble · 30/03/2017 11:44

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

We have similar dynamics in our family. My brother was given land on which to build a house, in the town where he and his wife live and work, next to my parents house.

My parents have always bleated on about how they treat us all fairly and equally and how in their case the boys got everything and how wrong this was. In order to balance things up, my father has bought a piece of land that has been abandoned for 150 years, in a remote part of the country with no road leading to it, next to a mobile phone mast and wants to put this in my name. I have declined his kind offer.

I also have a piece of land on an uninhabited island in my name, in a country that I don't live. It's is pretty unsaleable.

My parents can do what they like with their money but I resent the implication that they have given us the same and it makes me want to poke them in the eye with a stick when they talk about my land (which I cannot sell or do anything else with) in a way that is supposed to make me act grateful.

stevie69 · 30/03/2017 11:45

Well, the nearest comparison I can make is the old 'wedding fund'. My parents paid for my sister's wedding in the traditional manner. I'm not married but wouldn't dream of expecting them to hand over the £10k (or whatever) to me. If I choose to get married (for that, read: if anyone suitably stunning, clever and all that decides that they want to marry ME—not happening, is it??? ) then my parents will expend the wedding fund.

If they give gifts of a general nature, then we both get the same: exactly the same, even though I'm in a much better financial position.

I'm not saying that my parents' approach is right—there are different ways of looking at the situation—but I feel that it's appropriate and therefore kinda support the OP's parents' on this.

S x

AppleAndBlackberry · 30/03/2017 11:46

I will probably buy my kids both a car when they pass their tests. We live semi-rurally and it would be pretty handy. If one chooses not to learn they won't automatically get the money at the same age as it will have been set aside for a specific purpose. I might consider making it available if she needed it for something, but it would have to be pretty important like a house purchase. So I can see where your parents are coming from. At the same time you're 27 and if you're not planning to do either thing soon then it might be nice to just let you have the money.

Dozer · 30/03/2017 11:49

You are BU to want £500 for a holiday.

£500 would be a drop in the ocean for a property deposit/costs of buying, although obviously would be kind and help.

Kas1362 · 30/03/2017 11:56

I'm one of four and we all live completely different lives, so the support we get from my parents differs a lot - even to the point of where some were made to pay rent when living at home, others not.
I've always had a job and put myself through uni with no parental support, but one of my younger siblings have needed a lot more support with things because she's been in and out of jobs (due to the sector she works in).
I would never dream of resenting the help that my sister's given because I wouldn't want her to struggle, and equally wouldn't want my parents to stretch themselves beyond their means.
Maybe it's just a case of you both having different circumstances? Do both of you work, for instance?

GwenStaceyRocks · 30/03/2017 11:56

It seems your parents have earmarked the gift money for financial investments. Both a car and a house are assets (of different degrees). A holiday isn't a financial asset at all. It's not about personality type or life goals. It's about the fact both cars and houses will change in value and can be re-sold.

SingingSilver · 30/03/2017 12:03

The only thing I find odd about this is the 'not leaving you out' remark, as if they were addressing two teenagers. You and your DSis are at different life stages. You shouldn't be sulking that she was given money and you weren't. Money for a car is a different proposition than money for another holiday.

If you want the cash from them that much, focus on passing your test?

BipBippadotta · 30/03/2017 12:05

I imagine they've thought of this money as something to 'set you up' either with life skills or something to enhance your security and stability. I suspect if there's something that would be helpful to you that fits in these categories your parents would be happy to contribute the same amount towards it.

For another perspective: my younger brother and I each inherited a bit of money from my grandfather when we were children. My parents put my share towards my education (they didn't ask me, just did it). My brother meanwhile got his when he graduated university, to do with what he liked. He used it to go travelling. Same amount of money - and of course, it did benefit me - but it did annoy me that he'd been allowed to choose what to spend it on and I hadn't.

kaitlinktm · 30/03/2017 12:07

Conversely, if you were given £500 for a holiday, your sister might well complain that she would have preferred a holiday rather than forking out probably several hundred pounds on driving lessons.

Goldfishjane · 30/03/2017 12:08

I'm really surprised at some of these replies

it seems clear to me that treating children unequally will cause resentment - barring illness etc. I have a colleague who is currently fretting - he has twins and one has decided to go for a well paid job, the other has opted for a career that makes very little. So he's all "OMD does this mean I have to help the lower earner more" - er, no, it's a decision made with knowledge.

Roomster101 · 30/03/2017 12:10

I disagree with most on here as I think YANBU. They're entitled to give money to their children as they seem fit but they shouldn't kid themselves that they are treating you equally. They are being a little controlling.

SingingSilver · 30/03/2017 12:12

it seems clear to me that treating children unequally will cause resentment

For me children is the operative word. I would find it very strange if my DF called me and said "Oh I gave one of your DBs £500 to get his car fixed, I'll put a cheque in the post for the rest of you."

I do have a teenage DSS though, and didn't bat an eyelid when my DF helped her learn to drive, paid for her lessons and contributed towards a car. She needed one for her course. I only learnt to drive very recently and paid for everything myself. I'm 25 years older than her and it wouldn't occur to me to ask for financial assistance.

DJBaggySmalls · 30/03/2017 12:15

YANBU, parents should treat their children equally, and they arent doing that. They are making a big show of using money to make a point.

Toddlerteaplease · 30/03/2017 12:18

If my parents gave my sister money for a specific purpose it wouldn't bother me that they hadn't given it to me if I do t need it for that purpose. Out parents are equally generous to both of us. I think you need to grow up OP.

mollyminniemo · 30/03/2017 12:19

They are trying to tell you to get a move on and grow up a bit. House buying- fine- but not driving a car? If you ever want kids this is essential. You could ask if they'd give it to you towards saving for a house deposit or keep it for that purpose. YABU.

Roomster101 · 30/03/2017 12:19

I wouldn't resent the money per se. I would however, resent my parents telling me that I have/will receive equal support to my siblings if that's not the case. If you're not going to treat your children equally, don't expect gratitude.

Roomster101 · 30/03/2017 12:21

No it isn't!!

SapphireStrange · 30/03/2017 12:28

They are trying to tell you to get a move on and grow up a bit.

What a twattish thing to say.

littlefrog3 · 30/03/2017 12:31

There's nothing manipulative or unreasonable about what the parents are doing; maybe they are just trying to give the OP a shove into adulthood!

From what I have read so far, the 18 y.o. sibling sounds more sensible and prudent.

I don't even understand why someone of 27, feels the need to have £500 given to them by mommy and daddy to be honest. FGS, I owned my own house, had substantial savings, and was quite high on my career ladder at the age of 27. Why the desperation to have £500?!

I agree with mollieminniemo ... The OP sounds more like 17 than 27 to me. It's not twattish to say this (as a previous poster said to millieminniemo,) it's how the OP is coming across. She sounds very immature. If we are seeing it on here, the chances are that the parents are seeing it too.

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