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Original poster

To ask if you would think this woman is partly to blame for what happened to her? (Might be triggering for some people)

273 replies

NervousNancy · 29/03/2017 17:41

This has being playing on my mind all day and I just need to get this out so please bear with me and try not to be too harsh.

A young woman goes out clubbing one night with her friends. She dresses up for her night out - skimpy dress, does her makeup, puts on some high heeled shoes, etc. She ends up getting very drunk and ends up getting separated from her friends.

So she is alone, very drunk and clearly not thinking straight. She decides to walk home alone. Unfortunately on her way home she ends up being raped.

Would you say that she is partly responsible for what happened to her and accept some of the blame?

OP posts:
RufusTheRenegadeReindeer · 29/03/2017 23:12

You need to go and have a chat with someone nervous

It wasnt your fault and you shouldnt be keeping this inside

These professionals at the rape centres are there to listen and take a bit of that burden of secrecy away from you

RedastheRose · 29/03/2017 23:15

NervousNancy please either contact your nearest rape crisis centre or go to your doctor and ask for a referral for counselling. You need to deal with this properly to be able to move forward with your life happily and get and of these awful feelings of being somehow at fault or to blame. The responses on here should make you realise that you will be believed,

KayTee87 · 30/03/2017 07:47

edsheeran you don't even need to read the full thread, just the one comment above yours would have done.

MagentaRocks · 30/03/2017 08:05

I really wish people would READ THE FUCKING THREAD before posting. Especially on threads like this.

FullTimeYummy · 30/03/2017 08:15

As said repeatedly on the other thread(s) , advice before the fact is not the same as blame after the fact.

Would it have been reasonable to advise you not to do that: yes

Is what happened your fault: absolutely not

The judges comments (and comments like them) are not aimed at you.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 30/03/2017 08:23

'Accepting some of the blame' in your scenario, OP, would mean that somehow the man who did this had been compelled to do it at the sight of you. That is obviously complete and utter rubbish and a damaging myth - that somehow men are not obliged to be completely in control of their sexual actions. It's part of societal misogyny whose tactic is to make women carry the blame for their own victimisation (not an ideal word, I am aware, but ykwim).

A rapist isn't a force of nature. He is a moral (or rather immoral) agent who makes the decision to do what he does.

Laiste · 30/03/2017 08:26

ThatsWotSheSaid - ''It was NOT your fault! We should not have to be denied the freedoms men have in order to attempt to prevent them from raping us.''

I just wanted to quote this. It's worth repeating. It's worth reading twice. It's simple and it sums it up.

Strongmummy · 30/03/2017 08:26

Sober women get raped, old women get raped, children get raped, women with no make up get raped. The fault always lies with the rapist. If this was you, please speak to the police

boolifooli · 30/03/2017 08:35

In no way. The rapist is the sole cause. I would feel vulnerable if I was on my own at night but if someone rapes me it is all their fault.

user1471452804 · 30/03/2017 08:40

The trouble with life is that things 'should' be a certain way, unfortunately they are not. If everything was how it 'should' be we would all be married to George Cloney and living in a mansion.

When I was younger people did not seem to get so drunk, at least not be seen wandering the streets. It is not the girl's 'fault' but it was an unwise decision.

As the judge said last week, do not get so drunk you do not know what you are doing, do not spend all your money have enough left for a proper taxi.

Unfortunately many men will see such a person as victim available to abuse - this has always been the case and always will be - and with mass immigration there are now people on the street who do not have the same attitude to women and the UK attempts to instil into it's men. Think Rotherham etc

This is the truth and it is foolish to tell children and young women otherwise.

Jenwen22 · 30/03/2017 08:46

Rape is rape. A rapist chooses to rape someone. To say anything else is implying the rapist is an animal with no level of control over their actions. It doesn't make a bit of difference if the woman is drunk or sober as the rapist still CHOOSE to rape her. A woman has the right to wear what she wants, and while getting blind drunk isn't good for anyone, it doesn't mean she is at all reponsible for the actions of another person

BarbarianMum · 30/03/2017 08:47

It is not your fault that a certain type of rapist preys on drunken women. But because they exist, I'd urge women to think carefully about safety before getting paralytically drunk - how they are going to get home, friends watching out for each other , that sort of thing. I don't think what you wear has much bearing on anything.

tinypop4 · 30/03/2017 08:49

Under no circumstances was it your fault. Rapists are 100% to blame for raping, never the victim.

FeralBeryl · 30/03/2017 09:06

Flowers I'm so sorry this happened to you Nancy.
I'm also sorry that you felt you couldn't speak out for fear of being accused of having any responsibility for it.

It. Was. Not. Your. Fault.

Please know that.
The recent comments in the news were a clumsy attempt at risk reduction - never intended as victim blaming.

Have you been able to seek counselling or other help since? It's never too late Flowers

RoccoW14 · 30/03/2017 09:06

I guess with the proliferation of hate filled newspapers in the UK, comments like this are somewhat unsurprising. However, until anyone is able to conclusively prove that rape is more prevalent in certain cultures, they need to be called out for what they are i.e. RACIST:

with mass immigration there are now people on the street who do not have the same attitude to women and the UK attempts to instil into it's men

RoccoW14 · 30/03/2017 09:08

And apologies for diverting the thread. What happened to the original poster is so far beyond deplorable that I can't think of the appropriate words to describe it. It most certainly was not your fault.

TheDowagerCuntess · 30/03/2017 09:17

Nancy Flowers

Look, I well and truly misspent my 20s. In some ways, I actually don't know how I escaped with my life.

I had a high old time. Literally and frequently. I never got raped, and there's a simple reason for that. Pure and unadulterated luck - I was never in the presence of a rapist.

You did nothing wrong, just like I did nothing wrong. One of us happened to be in the wrong place - that's all it boils down to.

And it's why I am thinking really carefully about how I frame the 'be careful and look after yourself' conversation with my DD when she is older. I do not want her blaming herself, and I think when we just tell our daughters to 'be careful' and 'don't do this', that is the end result. It's tragic.

And EdSheerans - I hope you're suitably embarrassed.

roselondoner · 30/03/2017 09:43

Hello op, I hope you're ok today.

Lots of lovely posters have already told you what you need to hear, but just in case you're still reading, I'd like to share something.

Blaming yourself, though entirely misguided, does happen. I blamed myself and so do millions of others. The truth is though I should be able to walk stark naked in the middle of the night through a busy nightclub while I'm off my face drunk without so much as being touched. There is no one to blame for sexual assault other than the rapist and the warped societal norms he exists within.

Walking home at night is irrelevant. You did not consent, you were vulnerable, that person is a rapist and it was 100% his fault. The only way a woman is ever asking for it is if she is literally asking for sex, excited and aroused - too drunk, too scared to speak, unresponsive, tense, withdrawn, hesitant - they are signs the woman does not wish to engage in sex.

Sending solidarity and love op xxx

Funnyonion17 · 30/03/2017 09:44

Absolutely not.

frieda909 · 30/03/2017 09:51

'Accepting some of the blame' in your scenario, OP, would mean that somehow the man who did this had been compelled to do it at the sight of you. That is obviously complete and utter rubbish and a damaging myth - that somehow men are not obliged to be completely in control of their sexual actions.

Yes, yes yes. So much this. Whatever you wore, however much you drank, whichever route you took home, does not and would not have changed the fact that there was a man out there willing to rape someone.

Nothing, NOTHING makes me angrier than those comments which say things like 'but if you go out half naked then that's like going into a lion's den covered in raw steak' Angry

And we feminists are supposedly the ones with a low opinion of men! Well actually, my opinion of most men is high enough not to compare them to animals, and to assume that they are capable of self-control rather than feeling compelled to attack someone at the mere sight of exposed flesh.

FannyWisdom · 30/03/2017 09:51

Sorry to hear this Nancy

Being drunk doesn't invite crime.
Criminal people take advantage of drunk people like they take advantage of the elderly.
If someone steals wallets of drunk people they are still theives if they rape they are rapists.
Fwiw I don't know anyone who still believes drink can be used to mitigate rape.

Attitudes are changing slowly, be kind to yourself.

londonrach · 30/03/2017 09:51

No way!!!!!! The rapist at fault. She could have been weaning jeans and been raped. A woman on her own she had a right to walk a street without being attacked. You saying because she is not wearing much a man cant control himself....surely that says more about that man in question than her. Horrible victim blaming!

TheElephantofSurprise · 30/03/2017 09:52

The rapist is to blame, no-one else.

Because there are some bad people in the world, I would expect for myself and the women I love that they should be more defensive in their behaviour, not leaving themselves open to abuse.

But even if a woman finds herself drunk, scantily clad and walking home, no-one should rape her.

londonrach · 30/03/2017 09:56

Just seen it was you nancy (must read whole thread). You are not the blame by being raped. Ever, no matter what you wear, ever. Its 100000% the rapist fault! Please see someone and report this. Look after yourself xxxxx

Andrewofgg · 30/03/2017 09:58

It was the fault of the rapist. 100%. Not yours at all.
Ignore anyone, man or woman, who says otherwise.

Whether it is worth reporting 14 years on is another question. Assuming it was not somebody you can name - and that you have long since destroyed or just replaced the clothes you were wearing- where could any investigation go?