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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask if you would think this woman is partly to blame for what happened to her? (Might be triggering for some people)

273 replies

NervousNancy · 29/03/2017 17:41

This has being playing on my mind all day and I just need to get this out so please bear with me and try not to be too harsh.

A young woman goes out clubbing one night with her friends. She dresses up for her night out - skimpy dress, does her makeup, puts on some high heeled shoes, etc. She ends up getting very drunk and ends up getting separated from her friends.

So she is alone, very drunk and clearly not thinking straight. She decides to walk home alone. Unfortunately on her way home she ends up being raped.

Would you say that she is partly responsible for what happened to her and accept some of the blame?

OP posts:
Electrolens · 29/03/2017 20:01

Absolutely not to blame in anyway.

The attacker is responsible.

There is a police request for help at a station near me for a man sexually assaulted during rush hour on way to work between three stations. He was not to blame for going to work. You are not to blame for walking home from a night out. These are normal things that people do and have a right to do. The only blame is with attackers who look for people to attack.

Please do speak to one of the helplines or agencies that have experience in this field Flowers

ThatsWotSheSaid · 29/03/2017 20:02

It was NOT your fault!
We should not have to be denied the freedoms men have in order to attempt to prevent them from raping us.
I wonder how many rapists are drunk when they attack women? Nobody suggests men shouldn't drink and shouldn't be out alone so they don't rape us.
I'm sad that you felt you would be blamed.

RedastheRose · 29/03/2017 20:16

It was in no way your fault. It could just as easily have happened when you were completely sober on a sunny day. The rapist was and is always entirely to blame for the rape. If he was physically aggressive then you would be unlikely to have fought back however sober you were. If you haven't had counselling about this you probably should because by the sound of things you locked this up inside you so that you didn't get blamed yourself. It is rather sad that you didn't feel able to confide in any family member about what had happened to you but sometimes family relationships are difficult especially when we are young.

Babydontcry · 29/03/2017 20:34

No way definitely not her fault. Hope your ok op Flowers

ifeellikechickentonight · 29/03/2017 20:37

Sorry to hear this Nancy Flowers looks like the mums of mumsnet are in agreement - it was NOT your fault, in any way. Nothing you did that day makes you responsible for what happened.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 29/03/2017 20:38

No she was neither to blame, nor even partly to blame. She is a victim. The rapist is a criminal and I hope they're brought to justice.

Flowers
EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 29/03/2017 20:41

Don't know what happened there, I only clicked on the thread before replying straight away and yet when it posted, there are a huge amount of posts following, including where you say this happened to you Nancy

You are not to blame for being attacked and you kept yourself as safe as you could. Please be kind to yourself and seek some counselling for as long as you need.

Notagainmun · 29/03/2017 20:43

No way is she to blame, she is a victim. She should be able to walk home safely but because of this evil bastard and people like him it is a dangerous thing to do.

FireSquirrel · 29/03/2017 20:46

I've been raped, twice. Both times I was sober. Both times I was wearing trousers and long sleeved tops. One time I was wearing a great big ugly winter jacket, the other time was in the middle of the day in a fairly busy public place.

A rape victim is never to blame for being raped. Never. If no-one ever got drunk and no-one ever dressed skimpily, there would still be rapists. If the rapist hadn't been there that women would've got home perfectly safely. The problem wasn't that she was drunk or that she was wearing a short skirt, the problem was that there was a rapist there. If he hadn't raped her he'd have likely raped the next women he saw, skimpily dressed or not.

Victim blaming is disgusting and suggesting that skimpy dressing somehow encourages rape is demeaning to men as well as women - it suggests that they're such neanderthals that when they see a bit of flesh they are powerless to control their urges, which is bullshit.

The only thing that causes rape is rapists.

hellejuice91 · 29/03/2017 20:50

I do not think that she is to blame - however I think I see what you are getting at.

In an ideal world you could do around like that and nothing would happen. However we do not live in an ideal world.

Similar to if 'I left my front open and I got robbed' it's not my fault that my house has been burgled it's the burglars. I should be able to trust that someone would not do that but sadly they do

I worry that currently we are sending the wrong message out to girls. Yes the rapist is the one in the wrong, absolutely no argument. However just like the burglar who will rob the house with the door open instead of the house locked up tight- at times we are making it easier for them. Why would be want to do that?

Wombat79 · 29/03/2017 20:50

I very rarely feel the need to comment on a post but I cannot even believe this thought has crossed your mind. Of course it is not her fault, what has happened to her is terrible beyond words.
I drink very little but when I was younger and at university I often thought it was a good idea to go home when I got tired and thought I had had enough to drink. I was always tipsy but never terribly drunk - this could have been me or any girl making their way home after a night out. I was perhaps naive and a bit trusting of society but not asking to to be attacked or raped. Your thinking on this is way off and if I were you I would be worried about why I was thinking this way.

Ilovewillow · 29/03/2017 20:52

It was 100% not your fault! He was the only one that made the decision - it makes no difference if you were drunk or what you were wearing - he is to blame! I'm so sorry you had to go through that Flowers

Wombat79 · 29/03/2017 20:53

Apologies for my post Nancy - I didn't realise you were talking about a situation you sadly ended up in. I hope if my post does anything it reiterates that what happened is by no means your fault and anyone that might think it is has a serious problem. I hope you are ok x

WowserBowser · 29/03/2017 20:56

The exact same thing happened to me Nancy.

I didn't exactly choose to report it, someone had to call an ambulance and it snowballed from there.

The police, RASAC and judge absolutely believed me. They thought he was a rapey cunt.

If you had the exact same people involved with you, they would have believed you too. The trouble is not everyone involved are always like this and the thought of no one believing me would haved killed me so who knows if i would have reported.

But i absolutely hear you. And send you a gentle hug. Im so sorry.

user1469751309 · 29/03/2017 20:56

Although she did perhaps put herself in a vunerable position it is still in no way her fault. She didn't asked to be raped. Scum should have been castrated.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 29/03/2017 20:58

Yes the rapist is the one in the wrong, absolutely no argument. However just like the burglar who will rob the house with the door open instead of the house locked up tight- at times we are making it easier for them. Why would be want to do that?

I was going to post earlier that any minute someone will come along with the old "if I left my laptop in full view/left the door open" analogy.

Sorry, it's not the same thing. A human being is not a purse or a laptop. That's like saying that a woman's body is a commodity, and if you "display the goods" someone will "steal them".
That IS excusing rapists by implying that somehow if a man sees "the goods" as easily accessible, and the victim is alone, then "stealing" them is more inevitable.

What part of "my friends 78 year old grandma got raped in her own home" didn't you understand?

WowserBowser · 29/03/2017 21:00

Well said IfNot

mogonfoxnight · 29/03/2017 21:09

No fault of yours at all, not on any level, OP. The more people who say it the better!

Ringosnose12 · 29/03/2017 21:09

It wasn't your fault, it's all on him. I've also concealed sexual assault and it can eat you up. If you are being triggered to relive it by what you've seen in the news you need to get some help. Please speak to someone about how you feel, even if it is anonymously for now, you need to address what happened to you. Guilt and shame are natural feelings after something like this, that doesn't mean you have anything to feel guilty about or ashamed for. I'm sorry you had to suffer this.

redwinewhine · 29/03/2017 21:10

In the ideal world people wouldn't take advantage of people in vulnerable states, but that is not the world we live in. My advice to anybody would be to avoid making yourself an easier target for the scum that are out to pray on you. I would never blame anybody for getting raped or being a victim of any crime, but we should not pretend that there aren't certain things that we can do to limit the chances of being a victim.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 29/03/2017 21:21

Definitely not your fault.

SmileEachDay · 29/03/2017 21:24

As roughly 7/10 rapes are carried out by people known to the victim, your best bet to "limit the chances" would be to live in a female only commune. Or as a hermit.

SmileEachDay · 29/03/2017 21:25

Sorry, that should read 9/10

SmileEachDay · 29/03/2017 21:26

[[https://rapecrisis.org.uk/mythsvsrealities.php ]]

counterpoint · 29/03/2017 21:29

I put this into perspective when I thought that Marine should have been let off from killing the so-called insurgent.

The insurgent was helpless (c.f. drunk woman) when the Marine came upon him (c.f. rapist). The marine decided he was 'an idiot' and shot him (along those lines as far as I can gather from MSM).

But Marine is to be freed - so by same logic, so should a rapist stumbling upon a woman having made herself helpless.

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