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Original poster

To ask if you would think this woman is partly to blame for what happened to her? (Might be triggering for some people)

273 replies

NervousNancy · 29/03/2017 17:41

This has being playing on my mind all day and I just need to get this out so please bear with me and try not to be too harsh.

A young woman goes out clubbing one night with her friends. She dresses up for her night out - skimpy dress, does her makeup, puts on some high heeled shoes, etc. She ends up getting very drunk and ends up getting separated from her friends.

So she is alone, very drunk and clearly not thinking straight. She decides to walk home alone. Unfortunately on her way home she ends up being raped.

Would you say that she is partly responsible for what happened to her and accept some of the blame?

OP posts:
EekBarbaraitsadalek · 02/04/2017 00:22

I've only read your posts and a few of the replies. You are not to blame for the actions of another person. The only person responsible for rape is a rapist. I think this video really brings that home www.scarymommy.com/tracey-ullman-calls-out-double-standard-reporting-sexual-assault/

EekBarbaraitsadalek · 02/04/2017 00:29

It makes me so angry and sad that women are made to feel like this.

SparklyUnicornPoo · 02/04/2017 00:32

Flowers OP, I blamed myself for when i was raped for a very long time, you can't think about the what ifs. You were raped because you were unlucky enough to cross a rapists path, that could have happened anywhere, sober or not. The only person to blame is the rapist.

I was sober and with someone i thought i could trust, a police checked adult who was supposed to be looking after me, do you know how he, and his defence, tried to convince me it was my fault? Apparently I had led him on by crying on his shoulder. I was 13 and had just watched my brother die. Years later my friend was raped and murdered, it was early evening, people tried to say it was her fault for being polite and stopping when the man approached her. She was sober too. Point is there will always be some shitty excuse for the rapist not to take responsibility, doesn't mean its not 100% their fault.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 02/04/2017 00:34

It was not your fault.

You might have been able to put up more of a fight sober, but you would have probably been beaten to a pulp as a result.

I remember the poster that stated 33.3% of rapes occur when the victim was drunk. That means that 66.6% of rapes occur when the victim was sober. Nobody talks about that though.

Rainbunny · 02/04/2017 19:25

The major problem with your premise OP is that it's depressingly based on the widely accepted belief that in our society women should not go out alone after certain hours because they will be risking attack and therefore will have been partially responsible. I'm not talking about common sense here, I'm talking about why we accept this as the way things are in our society and instead of trying to improve our society so that women (and men) can feel safe wherever they are we just focus on the thing that the victims of an attack -rape, mugging etc... should have done better. Why are we so ready to accept that our society is dangerous and can't be made safer?

I spent many years living in Tokyo in my twenties and I experienced a freedom there that I have never experienced anywhere else since - I felt SAFE wherever and whenever I was out. I used to get bouts of insomnia and the best thing for me to do was to go for a 2-3 mile run, which unbelievably I could do in Tokyo at 3am feeling, no KNOWING I was completely safe! Do you know what an intoxicating freedom it was to be able to go for a run or just a walk anywhere at anytime? I'm not trying to suggest Japan has the perfect society -far from it and I'm well aware of the many ways in which it sucks to be female there, but in terms of physical safety it gave me an amazing sense of freedom.

Common sense of course says that it's unwise to go out drinking for a night with no plan to get home safely, but then sometimes things happen, the group may decide to go separate ways or get split up. I had an experience where I was staying with a friend at her place in HIghbury for two days before the lease started on my new flat. We went into central London for a night out together and part way through she told me that she'd just got a text from her boyfriend who'd just got back into town, so she was going to go stay with him, so she she left me at midnight trying to take the nightbus home to her place which I was unfamiliar with and I had to walk several streets to get back to her flat. I was wearing "going out" clothes and I'd had 3 drinks during the evening, I can well imagine how I would have been viewed by the police and public (and perhaps you too OP) had I been attacked.

WobblyLegs5 · 02/04/2017 19:34

Op- we are all in a vulnerable position because we are female- this is male pattern violence and women are at risk because we were unfortunate enough to be born female. A man walking home wouldn't have been putting himself in a vulnerable position would he? Because he wasn't put in a vulnerable position by being born female. Most rapes occur within relationships or when the rapist is an ex. So does it seem likely that because almost all of us women are putting ourselves in the vulnerable position of being in relationships with men we should shoulder some of the blame? We have a choice in that, we could remain single for life, so it that is our fault?

papayasareyum · 02/04/2017 19:37

It's is 100%the fault of the rapist. It makes me so angry that a woman would every consider herself to blame

frieda909 · 02/04/2017 20:19

I can well imagine how I would have been viewed by the police and public (and perhaps you too OP) had I been attacked.

Read.

The.

Thread!

faithinthesound · 02/04/2017 20:25

But if she wasn't drunk and decided to walk home alone it wouldn't have happened.

You don't know that. When a rapist decides to rape, all the bullsh*t precautions in the world won't stop him from raping. Even if it hadn't been her he raped, he would have raped someone else.

Your insistence on finding a reason to blame the victim is frankly revolting.

DanGleballs · 02/04/2017 20:26

I believe you and believe that you did nothing to deserve this Flowers

faithinthesound · 02/04/2017 20:28

I posted before I RTFT, and I apologize.

But I 100% stand by my statement that it's a rapist's decision to rape, and you were not to blame at all.

MamaHanji · 02/04/2017 20:50

She could have very easily have walked home alone and drunk without some disgusting predator raping her.

She could have walked home naked and she still wouldn't have been in anyway to blame!

Disgusting.

Rainbunny · 02/04/2017 20:52

Frieda909 - I have read the whole thread and the OP does blame herself for putting herself in a situation where she was attacked. Therefore it's logical for me to assume that she would also believe that any women in a similar situation could be viewed as partially responsible for putting herself in the situation.

Of course it is tragic that the OP blames herself, and I believe she should not blame herself at all - which should be obvious from my comment but that fact remains that she does sadly.

MamaHanji · 02/04/2017 21:03

Sorry. I now see it was you.

You are in no way to blame for any of it! Please don't think that for a single second. A disgusting person did something horrific to you and that is all on him!

Don't think 'i should have fought harder' or 'I put myself in a dangerous situation'.

You should have been free to walk home without a predator attacking you.

FlowersFlowers

Xx

FennyBridges · 02/04/2017 21:27

I cannot believe you are suggesting that any woman could partly be to blame for her rape.

The rapist is completely to blame. How about, in a historically patriarchal society, boys and men are taught that they CANNOT have sex every time they feel like having it?

I don't care how she is dressed how how vulnerable she is. Women are not designed to be raped.

You are weird to suggest this Hmm

FennyBridges · 02/04/2017 21:28

Sorry. Just seen the message before mine. You clearly are not weird but self- blaming. Apologies.

The rapist is wholly and overwhelmingly to blame. Every time. Flowers

TheDowagerCuntess · 03/04/2017 05:17

This thread really highlights the extent to which people simply read the OP, and then post, not even bothering to skim through and see what else the OP has said...

HicDraconis · 03/04/2017 06:21

Here's a different scenario -
A young woman gets ready to go out for the night with her friends. She has a glass of wine while getting ready - showering, makeup, clubbing clothes - meets her friends in town and they walk together to an open air concert on the beach.

They drink more wine during the concert, thoroughly enjoy it and when it all finishes around 2am, the young woman walks home on her own.

She gets home, drinks a large glass of water and goes to bed.

That was me (Fat Boy Slim in Brighton!), I wasn't raped purely because I didn't cross paths with a rapist that night. Nothing to do with choosing to go out with friends, nothing to do with drinking while out. I could have chosen to get a cab, had to wait ages & been raped in the queue or by the driver - if they had been rapists - and nobody would have said it was my fault for not walking home.

Rapes happen because some arseholes like raping. Not because of how their target is dressed, but because they are arseholes who want to rape somebody. It is never the victim's fault.

HowamIgoingtocope · 03/04/2017 06:24

Nope. She is not to blame. Every person is entitled to wear what they wish without being attacked. Victim blaming is the reason alot of women and men don't report rape. How do I know. I'm one of those victims.

MagentaRocks · 03/04/2017 07:29

You don't even have to RTFT - just 15 posts by the op.

PLEASE READ THE THREAD BEFORE COMMENTING AND SLAGGING OFF THE OP

frieda909 · 03/04/2017 08:32

I have read the whole thread and the OP does blame herself for putting herself in a situation where she was attacked. Therefore it's logical for me to assume that she would also believe that any women in a similar situation could be viewed as partially responsible for putting herself in the situation.

Rainbunny Right. So you read a series of posts from a rape survivor struggling with feelings of guilt and self-blame, and your reaction is to tell her off for her attitude? Very compassionate of you.

OP, I hope you're ok. I know some of the responses (from people who need to RTFT) must be upsetting but they just go to show how strongly most people feel that it is NOT your fault!

ItsCakeTime · 03/04/2017 09:43

OP, I hope the majority of posts are helping.

As several people said you can only influence/judge your choices. And you made choices that hundreds if not more have made.

I was sober and in grotty cleaning clothes when I was raped by a 'Friend' he reckoned he deserved sex for helping me move stuff.

He was shocked when I call the police, because look at him he wasn't a rapist. The police were great, CPS not so much. And thankfully our social group believed me, I'm guessing he'd made some dodgy moves in the past.

So in short verson you or any rape survivor are not to blame for the rapists decision to rape.

Sallystyle · 03/04/2017 10:16

OP, it was not your fault. It really wasn't for all the reasons listed above.

I am so sorry this happened to you, not only did you suffer the trauma of being raped you have carried the guilt and blame around for years :( You need to start letting that go, you have no blame at all. You did nothing wrong, you are blameless and I hope you start to believe that soon Thanks

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