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Original poster

To ask if you would think this woman is partly to blame for what happened to her? (Might be triggering for some people)

273 replies

NervousNancy · 29/03/2017 17:41

This has being playing on my mind all day and I just need to get this out so please bear with me and try not to be too harsh.

A young woman goes out clubbing one night with her friends. She dresses up for her night out - skimpy dress, does her makeup, puts on some high heeled shoes, etc. She ends up getting very drunk and ends up getting separated from her friends.

So she is alone, very drunk and clearly not thinking straight. She decides to walk home alone. Unfortunately on her way home she ends up being raped.

Would you say that she is partly responsible for what happened to her and accept some of the blame?

OP posts:
MrsDoylesTeabags · 29/03/2017 18:35

Nancy I'm so sorry this happened to you, and that you still carry this guilt. You shouldn't do.
The only person responsible for your rape is the rapist. violence against women is so terribly minimised and and excused, it disgusts me.
It's a conscious decsision to rape or beat or assault someone, never an accident. For every rapist or mugger you may encounter there would be 5 men who would carry on walking or help you find your friends.

DaisyBlameless · 29/03/2017 18:35

I'm glad we are making you feel better.

It's not too late to report it eitherFlowers

DementedO1 · 29/03/2017 18:38

100% no blame on the victim. Drunk or not, rape is rape. The fact that in 2017 this is even a question on an adult forum genuinely frightens me.

feathermucker · 29/03/2017 18:45

100000000 fucking times NO!!!!!

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/03/2017 18:47

The thing is that if every woman wore a burka, was sober and never walked home alone, rapists would still rape. They would find the most vulnerable person they could and carry on. Because they are a rapist.

When you walked home, you were just the vulnerable person he found. That isn't your fault.

Besides the fact that the most dangerous place to be is with a man you know. So the advice was shit to start with.

I hope you know now that this wasn't your fault, wasn't ever your fault.

SuburbanCrofter · 29/03/2017 18:47

You were told not to walk home alone, late at night, drunk, because all of these circumstances unfortunately make you more vulnerable. They DO NOT MAKE IT YOUR FAULT.

As other posters have said, your choices did not lead to the rape. You could walk down the street naked, and the majority of men, who are not rapists, will not rape you. You were just very, very unlucky to encounter this vile excuse for a human being Flowers

SharkBastard · 29/03/2017 18:47

The rapist is always the one to blame. It's really not hard to comprehend. It's fucking horrific anyone would think otherwise

Tweedledee3Tweedledum · 29/03/2017 18:47

No. She is not to blame in the slightest. Frankly, she could have walked home completely naked and still would hold no blame whatsoever.

clumsyduck · 29/03/2017 18:51

I'm sorry this happened . Almost happened to me but I got away, just ! blamed myself for a time . Not anymore .

It's is the rapists fault no matter what a women is wearing / doing etc . Unless it's consensual sex then its rape and the fault lies entirely with the rapist .

Tweedledee3Tweedledum · 29/03/2017 18:51

Nancy, I have just read the full thread. I am so sorry this happened to you.

You did not deserve this. No matter what the circumstances are, no one deserves to be raped. The victim should hold no blame. Ever. Whether a person is drunk, on drugs, or completely sober, it does not mean that is the reason for rape.

Ev1lEdna · 29/03/2017 18:53

I'm so sorry OP big hug to you. It certainly wasn't your fault - not even a little bit - the fault lies entirely with the rapist.

I understand how hard it is to stop blaming yourself for being raped. I have been there. I know how you can look at all the things you think you have done wrong and think what if I had done x instead of y, and if I hadn't put myself in that situation... It's very hard to stop blaming yourself and it eats you up inside but it isn't your fault. You didn't deserve this thing which happened to you. It was the rapists fault and it is awful that we even have to ask ourselves that question.

I hope you have had support for this.

BenLinusatemyhomework · 29/03/2017 18:54

Consent has no caveats.

No means no except if... has no place in a civilized society. The victim is never to blame.

JaniceBattersby · 29/03/2017 18:55

It's never, ever too late to report this Nancy, if you want to.

I know you think it might be pointless after,all this time but your evidence could help prosecute someone who is still out there doing this (you are under no pressure to report, of,course, but I just want you to know there could be a good reason to do so)

Flowers
Gatehouse77 · 29/03/2017 18:55

I don't apportion any blame to her at all. The rapist is responsible.

However, anyone who goes out should take responsibility for their own safety. Her ability to defend herself or be more aware of her actions and possible consequences was compromised by being so drunk. The same applies to (mainly) men who end up in fights.

I don't disagree with the judge's comment that that being drunk can put you in a compromising position. That is not victim-blaming but saying that the choices you make can have varied consequences.

Autumntactics · 29/03/2017 18:56

The rapist is to blame. Chances are the rapist would have raped someone else if it wasn't you so the logical conclusion of this is that no women should ever be out drunk or alone or the many other circumstances in which women get raped, wearing anything, at any time of the day, with people they know, with people they don't know etc. etc. which is clearly impractical. I've walked home many times drunk and alone and I wasn't raped because I didn't meet a rapist (though I was raped in my own home by an XP, was it my fault for being at home with someone I was supposed to trust?)

Allthebestnamesareused · 29/03/2017 19:21

There is only ever one person to blame for rape - the rapist!

MaisyPops · 29/03/2017 19:33

She is not to blame at all. The blame lies with the rapists.

But I would change my actions and not walk back alone after drinking because of the risks (rape, assalt, being mugged etc).

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 29/03/2017 19:39

However, anyone who goes out should take responsibility for their own safety. Her ability to defend herself or be more aware of her actions and possible consequences was compromised by being so drunk. The same applies to (mainly) men who end up in fights.

Actually, drunk or not adrenaline often kicks in regardless when you are attacked. If she had been sober the attacker still would have been able to overpower her.
I was having a daft play-wrestle with my DP the other day and realised that, if he held my arms, I couldn't move at all. I couldn't get away if I wanted to. He's not a massive guy, I am pretty sturdy and have done martial arts in the past. Its surprising how strong men can be.

Girls get raped at 7.30 in the morning on their way to school. Great grandmothers get raped. Little boys, disabled people, people wearing jeans and jumpers. You don't invite rape by "being vulnerable" or wearing the wrong clothes. You are vulnerable simply because you are weaker and unfortunately in the presence of a rapist.

LorLorr2 · 29/03/2017 19:42

You were told not be drunk and alone to protect you from situations like this, the same way our parents tell us to brush our teeth, to get up on time. However, you are NOT to be blamed whatsoever for a man making the decision to take advantage of you. It's just terrible luck that he even saw you that night. It is also 100% possible to go out, get hammered, but not get raped, and those girls who get home safely may be even worse for wear than you were, but they still aren't to blame for putting themselves in a position of vulnerability, because the whole reason being 'vulnerable' exists is because certain people commit crimes against others. They are the ones making you unsafe. If they didn't do it in the first place we wouldn't have to watch out for them. You are a victim caught up in an attack because a stranger decided to do that to you, if he had not done it you would have been fine, it is his fault.

milkysmum · 29/03/2017 19:46

Oh my goodness no- in no way to blame, not one bit. So sorry that happened to you op.

limon · 29/03/2017 19:46

No. Rapists are to blame for rape.

starfish2020 · 29/03/2017 19:51

Do you really have to ask?

Ginkypig · 29/03/2017 19:52

Absolutely not!

You could have been dancing stark naked in the middle of the road shouting I'm so horny and it still would not give anyone the right to touch you never mind rape you.

A rapist is responsible for raping no matter the circumstances.

Put it another way if you saw a person walking alone in the middle of the night drunk would you think you were within your rights to touch their body or penetrate them? No it would not even enter your brain that that would be an option.

Nicotina · 29/03/2017 19:53

No. The rapist is to blame. Always. Every time.

onceandneveragain · 29/03/2017 19:54

If a male friend told you that he'd been walking home drunk one night and had been mugged and beaten up, would you think it was his fault, or that he'd been asking for it, at all? I'm willing to bet no, you would only feel sympathy, and put all the blame solely on the person who attacked him.

Why would it be different just because you are a woman, and the crime was rape, not theft?

I'm so sorry for what happened to you, but you don't need to feel guilty, at all.

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