To ask if you would think this woman is partly to blame for what happened to her? (Might be triggering for some people)

[NervousNancy]

This has being playing on my mind all day and I just need to get this out so please bear with me and try not to be too harsh.

A young woman goes out clubbing one night with her friends. She dresses up for her night out - skimpy dress, does her makeup, puts on some high heeled shoes, etc. She ends up getting very drunk and ends up getting separated from her friends.

So she is alone, very drunk and clearly not thinking straight. She decides to walk home alone. Unfortunately on her way home she ends up being raped.

Would you say that she is partly responsible for what happened to her and accept some of the blame?

It is never ever the fault of the victim. Only the perpetrator. That we live in a world where women are held responsible for the actions of violent men is heinous. Men who excuse their friends or make jokes about rape are part of the problem.

But no woman is ever responsible for being raped or sexually assaulted.

The judge in this case was wrong. One day we will have a fit for purpose criminal justice system capable of differentiating between victim and perpetrator. Until then, we need to hold those who victim blame accountable for the consequences of their choices. And imprison men who rape for longer than 2 years.

There are lots of rape crisis helplines if you want to speak to someone. But it wasn't your fault. And you did nothing wrong.

You must have been terrified. If he wasn't a rapist you would have popped safely into bed and woken up complaining about your bad head. He did this. Not you.

I do understand the confusion that can arise in this case. You made decisions and there was an outcome...so of course you link the two in your head.

I chose to get pregnant and therefore feel responsible for the years of my life I lost in HG, PTSD and PND...because my decision resulted in those outcomes.

My work colleague chose to drive to work and his decision ended in a car crash in which he was severely injured. He feels responsible because his choice lead to the accident, even though the crash was not his fault whatsoever.

In the case of rape it absolutely is NEVER reasonable to expect that outcome of your decisions, because rape is illegal.

Hundreds of thousands of women walk home drunk and alone every year and nothing happens to them. You are absolutely allowed to do that in the expectation that you will not be harmed.

So while your decisions preceded your being raped, you are absolutely not responsible for that outcome, which required illegal activity on the part of another to happen.

metro.co.uk/2015/10/28/this-new-sexual-consent-and-tea-video-from-the-police-is-brilliant-5466392/

Blame from who?

There are three common responses to rape: freeze, flight and fight. All are completely normal ways for our bodies to protect ourselves when we being hurt.

Rape Crisis Scotland has a great new campaign that you might find helpful.

If it helps my friends grandmother was raped in her own home by someone she had invited in.
She was 78.
Not sure what she was wearing, or if she had had a whisky or two, but you can be sure no judge would consider any part of what happened her fault, because rape is often seen as something men are driven to when confronted with a young, sexy, skimpily dressed woman.
That's bollocks of course, rape happens to women (and men) of all ages, wearing anything from bikinis to burkas.
It may not be wise to get drunk and walk him alone-i would say the same to my son-but you can't incite someone to rape you.

But then if I hadn't been drunk I wouldn't have walked home alone at 3am
I didn't know if this helps but can you consider that if it wasn't you, it would have been someone else. This man wanted to rape - that's the only reason a rape happened.

I'm sorry you were the target but you didn't cause any part of the rape.

Nancy, what happened to you was wrong. It was not your fault.

Have you dealt with it? Do you think you need to do something about it?

The world has turned and now people see victims as victims and abusers as abusers. This shitty 'grey area' that women were left in where they had horrific crimes done against them like domestic assault and rape - and they would live with the blame as well as the impact. This is changing

You most definitely were not to blame in any way.

Women get raped all around the world, in countries where they are not even permitted to wear skimpy dresses or get drunk or walk alone. The common denominator is not the actions of the women - the common denominator is that they unfortunately crossed paths with a rapist. The rapist is to blame, and always is.

It is interesting that we never seem to see articles agonising over whether young men who walk home drunk and get mugged and beaten up weren't somehow asking for it, and whether we should not be concentrating our efforts on teaching young men to stay inside at night, or at the very least to try to look as if they had no money.

This thread has really brought out how much damage the questions asked of women do to them when the worst happens.

The only reason you were raped, OP, is that you were unlucky enough to encounter a rapist. In no way could it be considered your fault.

Yes joinourclub I take steps to protect myself but I disagree that it's my 'responsibility' in any way to prevent a rapist from raping me.

Skimpy clothes, alcohol, walking alone etc don't cause women to be raped. rapists cause women to be raped.

So if I get knifed by a maniac am I partly to blame because I chose to walk home alone at night without a stab vest?

Sorry, OP. I didn't realise you had a legitimate reason for asking. This was the third thread like this today. I hope the responses have reassured you that rape isn't the woman's fault.

If she had done something illegal while drunk she would be to blame entirely. Last I heard walking home was still legal for women.

It is entirely the rapists fault. Yes maybe if you hadn't walked home alone you may not have got raped, but someone else would have done. If you hadn't got drunk maybe you wouldn't have been raped, but sober people still get raped, and again id not you, someone else would have done. That man chose to rape, he made that active decision and the only way a rape wouldn't have happened is by him not making that decision. The only reason you were raped is because he made that decision.
Being raped is not caused by being drunk or alone, or by wearing skimpy clothing. It is caused by a rapist, and he is entirely at fault.

OP I'm so sorry this happened to you. Please stop blaming yourself. When you get drunk and fall down and twist your ankle, you bear the responsibility. When you get drunk and a car veers off the road smashing into you it's the driver that's responsible. There's a huge difference in these scenarios - in one inebriation is a precipitating factor, in the other it is just an incidental fact and the cause is someone else. Even if you wouldn't have been standing on that pavement then if you weren't drunk, it doesn't mean you are to blame if the car veered off the road and hit you.

It could have been any woman walking home at 3 am. They might not have been drunk. They might not have been dressed in clubbing clothes. The rapist could have chosen to rape or not rape at his discretion. And if it hadn't been someone at 3 am, it might have been someone at 2, or 1 or midnight. OR 11 pm or 10 pm, or 9 pm. It might have been someone in the middle of the afternoon. It could have been someone young or old. Drunk or disabled, or in some other way a bit vulnerable, or not vulnerable at all. It was up to him. It was his actions that caused this. You just walked home. It's a perfectly normal thing to do.

Hugs to you OP!

The Judge was in a wrong even she now can say she didnt mean whatever she said. The message in any way she sent was wrong. A crime is a crime however the victim exposed to the risk, the victims dont need to be told off/stated the fact by especially by the judge that she had made herself vulnerable.

You are not too blame at all.
All rapists fault.

You were in a vulnerable situation like many young girls find themselves- doesn't mean you are to blame in any way.

How terrible for you- I hope you are getting support and can recovery slowly from this - best Wishes xx

He had his hands around my neck and he threatened to kill me if I didn't do what he told me to do and I believed him.

Men are usually stronger than women. If he wanted to rape you he would've done so, whether you were drunk or sober, walking alone at night or just stepping out your front door on your way to work.

Not your fault at all.

I think we can all take responsibility for our own safety and reduce risk to ourselves and the police and our parents and society in general do give advice on how to do so, don't walk home alone late at night , keep to well lit routes, stay with friends and so on. But I think that's very different to saying anyone who disregards that advice is in anyway to blame. There is only one culprit in a rape.

cory I suspect advice to young men is increasing among parents. Very much along the lines as given to young women - drink makes you more liable to take risks//get pummelled in fights/stabbed/not be able to read other people's intents and get into appalling situations. None of these situations their faults.

It doesn't make the young man who's drunk or high guilty of being beaten or stabbed in a fight (attacker guilty) BUT (prepares to be flamed) does that cover either sex getting into a car and drunk driving because alcohol takes away judgement? H/she may kill someone but at what point are they responsible for the death?

If h/she falls into water and drowns - clearly the water is not to blame.

If it's a he and he is too drunk to think straight as is the girl he's with, and he is still capable of sex, who is to blame? Especially when neither can clearly remember and either one or both may be wracked with distaste and regret?