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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - no idea if this was racist?

288 replies

thisIsMyNewUserName · 29/03/2017 16:24

I'm narrowing myself down to a few hundred people (in theory) so want to be careful with identifying myself in real life.

Someone made a complaint about a colleague. During a meeting, babies were discussed. He said something like "Well, Asian ones are by far the cutest". Someone made a complaint and he has a meeting with HR next week about it. They suggested he contact a union rep should he wish as well as including a pdf of various policies within the company which I think points to bad news.

He's white, BTW. His wife is too and they've a 6 month old blonde-haired, blue-eyes daughter

I think he was at absolute worst a little immature but am interested in a consensus. AIBU thinking he should be given the benefit of the doubt? He's expecting to be hung, drawn and quartered.

OP posts:
OffRoader · 29/03/2017 18:23

But it's not about being 'offended' though is it? It's about pulling people up on making sweeping generalisations based on racial stereotypes.

And surely if you are going to have a light hearted conversation about racial stereotypes, don't do it at work.

Asmoto · 29/03/2017 18:26

Just as comments about how Asian people are all good at maths or something is a positive statement itself

But again, that comment could be hurtful to someone who was Asian and rubbish at maths - they'd be unlikely to be falsely flattered by it, it would just suggest the speaker was lumping them thoughtlessly in with every other Asian person on the planet, rather than considering them as an individual.

Compare all women are brilliant at housework as a statement. If you're a woman who couldn't care less about housework but is proud of your career, or your creativity, or your achievements in sport (etc.) how would it make you feel to be defined as 'brilliant at housework'?

DementedO1 · 29/03/2017 18:28

Asmoto I totally agree

DementedO1 · 29/03/2017 18:29

Asmoto I totally agree

CheekyWombat101 · 29/03/2017 18:30

OMG! People say all sorts in my office. Not racist as such but the 'banter' really pushes the limits of what is and isn't acceptable. If something like that is considered racist I think half my office would get sacked. This seems a bit extreme to me but maybe there's additional issues or backing story to this?!

Asmoto · 29/03/2017 18:31

... or (on the maths comment) an Asian person who was good at maths might be hurt because the comment implies the skill is merely a characteristic of their race, and not something they've achieved because they're naturally intelligent in a general way, or have worked hard at maths.

CaseyAtTheBat · 29/03/2017 18:42

But its not really about individuals at all. People seem to think a comment has to be aimed at someone or offensive to a specific individual, but really comments like these are about ingrained attitudes on a wider level.

TheJunctionBaby · 29/03/2017 18:44

What caseyatthebat said 👆

Capricorn76 · 29/03/2017 18:45

I find it weird that someone could base attractiveness on ethnicity and if someone were to say 'I don't find x race attractive' I'd wonder what they've internalised as not everyone from X race looks the same.

Surely as individuals some of us are conventionally attractive and some of us not. For example I would find Tom Hardy hot but not Jeremy Clarkson. There's wide variations of attractiveness within every 'race'. In any case beauty is in the eye of the beholder. There's someone for everyone.

ImperialBlether · 29/03/2017 18:49

That's the most ridiculous thing. If he'd said "Of course X babies are the ugliest" then there would be cause to pull him up on it, but saying they are the cutest? Crazy waste of management time.

CaseyAtTheBat · 29/03/2017 18:49

It's the same thing, whether positive or negative. I'm amazed so many don't see that.

ChangeAComin · 29/03/2017 18:52

What jobsworth complained?
No one would blink at that where I work! It's not racist maybe a bit ill thought obviously if
It gets a reaction like this!

grannytomine · 29/03/2017 18:54

Well he offended someone enough for them to make a complaint and HR have to act on it. I would think he will get a warning at worst.

I heard a pregnant woman being asked if she knew if it was boy or a girl and she said she didn't care as long as it was healthy. Someone with a disabled child left in tears, they didn't hear it as a positive thing but as someone saying the worst thing that could happen is a child who isn't "perfect". No one wanted to offend them but we all need to be aware that we can hurt people even if we don't mean to.

Flipthebirdy · 29/03/2017 18:57

MsJamieFraser beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I don't find black men attractive that doesn't make me a racist!

What is it that you don't find attractive about black men?

grannytomine · 29/03/2017 19:02

My kids are mixed race and one was the cutest baby ever (I'm not biased, honestly) the next one could best be described as interesting. He did grow into his looks though. So I don't agree that all mixed race children are cute.

ohdoadoodoo · 29/03/2017 19:18

Flip - that's like asking why you're not attracted to every person on the planet. Some people you just don't find attractive, and that's fine.

FWIW I can't believe someone actually reported the OP's 'issue'.

TheDogsEatingCaptainAmerica · 29/03/2017 19:19

I try to refrain from posting on these threads as I find it so aggravating how many people just do not get it.

But yes, positive stereotypes are just as offensive and harmful as negative ones. And just as racist.

HTH

TheDogsEatingCaptainAmerica · 29/03/2017 19:20

And yes 'not finding black men attractive' is offensive. All black men do not look the same. The one thing they have in common is the colour of their skin.

northernshepherdess · 29/03/2017 19:20

Urgh....
Way too lefty...

Mum is half Ghanaian and half white.. born British. Curly hair white skin brown patches.
I have 4 children... all white, one had curly hair which is now straight... all tan lovely, 2 with blue eyes, the curly one has brown eyes and littlun undecided.
I always hoped I'd get one with proper permanent afro.. or even dark skin... just like one hopes it will be a boy or a girl.
Is it racist for me, or mum to say... I'd love this one to have an afro... afro's are too cute ?
On a technicality it prob is, but in reality it clearly isn't.

northernshepherdess · 29/03/2017 19:26

My white nanna was clearly a raving racist Grin cos she married 3 black men... and only married black men (all from Ghana I think)

Flipthebirdy · 29/03/2017 19:31

ohdoadoodoo I'm not going to waste my time on you.

Asmoto · 29/03/2017 19:37

northernshepherdess I'm not sure you can compare a mum hoping an individual child will inherit a particular feature, to someone making a sweeping generalisation about all children who have that feature.

BoomBoomsCousin · 29/03/2017 19:39

Absolutely Asmoto. That is true too. I didn't mean to discount the oppressive impact of positive stereotypes.

Serialweightwatcher · 29/03/2017 20:51

A friend of mine never had a white boyfriend, she told me she couldn't find white men attractive and only ever had black partners ... she was white. In some people's opinions on here she would have been classed as racist according to their comments, but how could she be? ... she couldn't be racist against white people because she was one and she couldn't be racist against black people because she lived with them. This is so complicated and confusing. Some people find certain looks more attractive in adults and obviously in babies - black/white/blue hair/blonde hair etc etc - why is that a problem to have a preference?

Morphene · 29/03/2017 20:53

the idea that you can't be racist against your own race is 100% bullshit. Just like you can be female and misogynistic. Happens all the time....