To ask my ex for more maintenance??

[Cactus76]

My first time posting here... I'll try to be succinct AND to include as much background as possible.

I left my husband nearly 8 years ago. It wasn't exactly an amicable split at the time. Our DS was 3. As we lived in the same city, he spent time with both of us, but slightly more with me. Because we were sharing care of our DS, we didn't bother with any formal maintenance, I just let him know each month how much I'd spent on childcare and anything else such as school shoes etc and he'd pay me half.

I have a new partner now, been together since not long after the split and now married and have a DD and DS together. After about 2 years we decided to relocate for many reasons and moved to a rural county 2.5 hours away by train. Our DS stayed with me. I felt very very guilty about taking him away from his dad and I didn't ask for any maintenance. Shortly after this my ex lost his job and was out of work for a good 2+ years, so obviously maintenance wasn't something we did. Although we live further away, I always facilitate contact when my ex requests it.

My ex is now working again and has been for 2-3 years. Shortly after he found a job I asked for some contribution and he set up a DD for £250 a month. Better than nothing. So, here's the issue. My OH is getting really irritated by this amount. I don't know what my ex is earning, but I know it will most likely be in excess of £80K. My OH pays his ex the best part of £2K per month in maintenance as calulated by his earnings. He also sees them every other weekend and pays for swimming lessons and other normal stuff (not a hero, just like he should!). If we went down the CSA route, I know we'd be 'entitled' to far more. Although we are reasonably comfortable, things are tight at times. My OH has no issues with supporting my son and he's lovely about it, but at the same time I think it's a matter of principle for him that my ex should be contributing more to his own son. I still feel guilty that I've separated my DS and his dad and know that if we hadn't moved they'd see more of each other so maintenance would be less any way. I also know, for a fact, that this coversation won't go well if I do approach him, he's not the easiest or most pleasant of chaps, hence the fact I'm no longer with him... So, WIBU to ask him for more? Am I being grabby, or just asking a father to do what he should be doing?? Agh!!

If you ask questions about how to deal with issues in your private life on a public forum then people can't be expected to answer without the details...

Kat - you've described his miffedness perfectly (and apparently better than I've managed!!).

Melina - to be fair, the tone of Piglet's query about when I started seeing my DH, along with the choice of emoji used wasn't exactly assisting in my dilemma about whether IABU to seek further maintenance. Totally and utterly unrelated, in fact!

My ex would be livid if I'd gone to the CSA rather than talk to him. He sees the CSA as being for feckless non-payers and would be livid to be contacted by them. (Btw he pays more than minimum CSA consistently for 5 years) He wouldn't think of other reasons like one parent being scared of the other, one parent not giving the other their contact details etc.

Does your partner's ex have a live-in partner or new husband? Those would be grounds to end spousal support.

Don't feel any guilt. And personally I would ignore the replies that make out you are somehow being greedy or being influenced by dh.

This is money that you are legally and morally entitled to. That's all there is to it and you don't need to justify yourself.

I am reading this thread with increasing distress. It is no wonder, is it, that there is literally £billions in unpaid maintenance? So many people questioning the finest detail of the OP's financial situation and suggesting somehow it's her responsibility (or her new partner's responsibility) to financially bridge a physical gap between dad and children.

It is no wonder so many of us struggle to get any maintenance whatsoever. No wonder at all.

Zombie - I suspect that my ex would be livid too if I went straight the CSA without any warning. It would set our 'amicable for the sake of DS' relationship back years.

No, DH's ex has had a partner for almost as long as we've been together but they don't live together. She has intimated that this is because she knows she'd lose out on her spousal if she did. I suspect that things will change pretty quickly when youngest SDC turns 18 and the spousal stops.

"It's hard though as I'm a SAHM so he's effectively supporting two families (his choice, I know!!) whilst watching another father not stepping up to the plate to support his...."

Cactus presumably you do not really think of yourself as two families. I expect your stay at home mum duties are much more needed for your two younger children than with your one older child you had with your ex?

Cactus76 "For several years he solely supported my son without a word. He's 'taken us on' incredibly willingly and happily. It's only recently that he's been getting frustrated by the situation."

Your husband knew when he met you, married you and chose to have two kids with you that you came with your son. You are, as you say, a team.

Luna "Isn't it funny how step mothers get vilified on here for wanting a say yet people seem fine with your OH getting involved."

I, totally, agree - better for the Husband not to get involved here.

I think you're getting a ridiculously hard time. Who cares what your/your husbands exact emotional/psychological motivations are i guess other posters are pure as the driven snow and it is totally irrelevant if you happen to have remarried into a nice house in the country. I got promoted and remarried after my divorce, my exh still has to pay his dues for his children!

You're entitled to that much money and your ex can up his visitation if he wishes to to reduce the payments. You didn't move to fucking Vietnam or even the other end of the country. Its not a case of ex vs DH its a case of receiving £250 when you are entitled to £700.

"A friend who moved 2 hours away from the dc father was ordered to pay all costs in the father getting to see the dc as per the regular contact prior to the move.

So this entailed her driving from Wales to Berkshire every otherveeekend to drop off on the Friday and then collect on Sunday.

So you e been lucky in a way that your ex gave in so easily to not maintaining regular contact with your ds."

I know of this happening too. The move was automatically classed as a 'frustration' to access (which to be fair it is, even if its done 'pleasantly'). The move was clearly for the convenience of the rp mother only, which is exactly your situation, no matter how you dress it up, and regular access 3 times a week has gone to nigh on zero.

Sadly for your ex though, you will be able to now revert to the standard CMS calculation, and if that means a child in your home costs £1200 a month (you will of course match your ex husbands contribution wont you?), then so be it.

Im not a step mum. Im not an ex-wife. But Id be pretty fucked off by this whole situation if I were your ex. It stinks. Please dont tell us all now you left him for your new love too taking son with you? (Of course thats an outrageous assumption...but once you then drip fed the 'appalling ex' anecdote ...well it begs the question.)

You must do what you think best, but dont be surprised if the quiet conforming ex turns. He will have options re residency.

The move was automatically classed as a 'frustration' to access (which to be fair it is, even if its done 'pleasantly')

People move for a whole host of reasons, none of them anything at all to do with frustrating the relationship between parent and child, even if that is one of the outcomes. Sometimes parents (separated or together) need to make difficult decisions and not all of them are necessarily in their children's best interests but need to be made anyway because work, family support, ill health, disability, cost of housing etc. etc. all mean the status quo can't remain as it is.

You must do what you think best, but dont be surprised if the quiet conforming ex turns. He will have options re residency

Yeah, he won't be the first parentwho hasn't had residence of his children for years, with a steadily declining incidence of contact, to turn up in court after contact with the CSA demanding payment at the legal minimum in child maintenance who then decides that residence is an option

Italian - no, not at all! By two families, I mean our household with DH, my DS and our two DC and his ex's household with her and his two DC with her. He supports us all.

Hahaha!! Quiet conforming ex. I don't think he's ever been described like that before!!!

"Even if we hadn't moved and DS was spending 3 nights a week with my ex, he'd still be short by a couple of hundred a month!"

I think the move does play large in your mind. Make your peace with it.

Cactus76 "In all honesty, underlying a lot of this is the fact that exH was a controlling abusive shit who couldn't give a toss about DS."

Then it is good you moved away from him. Just make your decision and implement it, and don't 'worry' any more about moving away.

"I've been thinking about tying in it with secondary school as our costs will go up. Uniforms and sports kit / more expensive lunches / mobile phone contract (we've all agreed he can have a phone when he starts at secondary) / social life / better bike (he'll be cycling so will need a more reliable stead than he has now) / tutoring (he's almost certainly going to need this to help him keep up in maths at the very least). It seems a positive way to explain that we will need more input, ssoVilky in the light of the fact that he's not contributing in line with his earnings anyway."

Absolutely, my dd started secondary school 6 months ago, new phone, massively expensive uniform and PE kit, use of bike means that we need a bicycle check up at shop more frequently, child going out more, etc etc. Your plans sound sensible, you sound like a great mum and I hope it all works out well for you.

"By two families, I mean our household with DH, my DS and our two DC and his ex's household with her and his two DC with her."

OK, sorry I misunderstood that bit.

Your plans sound good, wish you luck.

For perspective, £2k per month is more than most people's full time salary. If your DH has that spare every month for his maintenance payments, you're none of you in danger of starving are you. If you really want more money from your ex then fine, but i don't like the fact it's your DH pressuring you to ask for it. I'd listen to your gut on this one!

Thank you so much Italian. I really appreciate your thoughts. 😊

Thanks Cactus I think I would have been much firmer earlier about the move if I had realised what your ex was like. But I don't always want to assume the worst of exs!

You sound like you've used the thread to work out what you feel comfortable doing, which is always the best way.

Uh and this is why i could never be a SAHM, even though i might quite like to be. The fact you feel that means you have to accept pressure from your husband on this question is exactly the powerlessness i couldn't live with.

I have. I know that I'm also seen as an evil drip feeder bent on withholding information until the last moment, but it's actually been really useful to go through the process. Information which didn't seem relevant to the actual question has come more to my mind as possibly being relevant. I think I am clearer now on what is and isn't important here.

Trust me, I don't feel any powerlessness at all here lela. That all belonged in my relationship with my ex. There is no pressure at all from DH. Don't we all take into account our partner's frustrations. Surely that's just part of caring??

I think I'd approach it more with a breadown costing of your son's clubs, activities and uniforms. Then ask your ex for half on top of the child maintenence. Just asking for a certain amount without explanation is going to cause arguments

I think you need to get a figure in mind, either worked out yourself or via the CSA calculations and then discuss it with your ex.

He might then agree but then start to up his contact and stuff again so you may need to be prepared to move from this informal arrangement to a much more formal one. And many more hours on the train.

If he disagrees then you will have to seek a formal instruction for him to pay it.

Make sure that you are only claiming for your correct amounts for your child with him. For example, make any hint that you bought that house with that number of rooms etc to make the space for your family then it could end up quite an argument.