To ask my ex for more maintenance??

[Cactus76]

My first time posting here... I'll try to be succinct AND to include as much background as possible.

I left my husband nearly 8 years ago. It wasn't exactly an amicable split at the time. Our DS was 3. As we lived in the same city, he spent time with both of us, but slightly more with me. Because we were sharing care of our DS, we didn't bother with any formal maintenance, I just let him know each month how much I'd spent on childcare and anything else such as school shoes etc and he'd pay me half.

I have a new partner now, been together since not long after the split and now married and have a DD and DS together. After about 2 years we decided to relocate for many reasons and moved to a rural county 2.5 hours away by train. Our DS stayed with me. I felt very very guilty about taking him away from his dad and I didn't ask for any maintenance. Shortly after this my ex lost his job and was out of work for a good 2+ years, so obviously maintenance wasn't something we did. Although we live further away, I always facilitate contact when my ex requests it.

My ex is now working again and has been for 2-3 years. Shortly after he found a job I asked for some contribution and he set up a DD for £250 a month. Better than nothing. So, here's the issue. My OH is getting really irritated by this amount. I don't know what my ex is earning, but I know it will most likely be in excess of £80K. My OH pays his ex the best part of £2K per month in maintenance as calulated by his earnings. He also sees them every other weekend and pays for swimming lessons and other normal stuff (not a hero, just like he should!). If we went down the CSA route, I know we'd be 'entitled' to far more. Although we are reasonably comfortable, things are tight at times. My OH has no issues with supporting my son and he's lovely about it, but at the same time I think it's a matter of principle for him that my ex should be contributing more to his own son. I still feel guilty that I've separated my DS and his dad and know that if we hadn't moved they'd see more of each other so maintenance would be less any way. I also know, for a fact, that this coversation won't go well if I do approach him, he's not the easiest or most pleasant of chaps, hence the fact I'm no longer with him... So, WIBU to ask him for more? Am I being grabby, or just asking a father to do what he should be doing?? Agh!!

[Cactus76]

Thank you Wheat - it is a bit of a minefield. I mentioned that it's a bit tight at times to indicate that we're not rolling in it and can't really afford just to accept the hit and that we're not just grabbing at money for the sake of it. I'm a SAHM, but if I was working, I'd be on M/L now. I am looking into going back to work in the future once the baby is older.

We moved to a much much cheaper area. The cost of our 5 bed is the same as the current cost of the teeny tiny 2 bed my ex and I used to live in (and he still does).

I'm really not looking for the full CSA level or every penny I can get. Just a fairer contribution to DS's costs...

[peggyundercrackers]

you didn't really need a 5 bed house, the children could have shared rooms - its what a lot of people do when they cannot afford to keep buying bigger houses.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Peggy

They moved to the country partly so the children could have their own room each. Your comment is moot considering op has said her 5 bed is worth the same as her ex's 2 bed.

[Sunnyshores]

Most of the comments on here are madness. It matters not whether OP 'needs' the money, fathers should pay the legal minimum for their children. Its about responsibility, commitment, good parenting.

Why are posters hellbent on defending the purposely absent and vastly underpaying father? The father earns £80k a year, he could afford a taxi to come and visit his child for the day, he could see him for weeks over the summer, he doesnt even bother to do that. Hes got away with not supporting financially and emotionally for long enough.

And youre turning on the mother?

[OhhBetty]

My OH has always been of the opinion thatbif you have children to support, you do whatever you have to do work wise to bring some money in. Presumably only of you're a man though since you don't work?

I completely agree your ex should be paying a fair amount for his son. I'd try to work out fairly what's spent on him per month and then ask for half. Failing that, CMS every time. At the end of the day that money isn't for you, it's for your son. Regardless of what others get (and I say this as a single working mum with no maintenance), your ds is entitled to the correct amount.
However, I don't think keeping mentioning your ex's unemployment is particularly productive or fair, especially since you're currently unemployed yourself.

[OhhBetty]

Reading that back it's possibly a bit harsh! Basically, get the correct maintenance for your son. Personally I would use whatever makes up half of what's spent on him and put the rest into a savings account for him.

[Cactus76]

Ohbetty - I do see what you mean about the unemployed bit. However, if I was working, and we relied on my income (as I did when I lived with exH) and I lost my job, I would actively seek work, and take on anything I could find. Our choice for me to be a SAHM is based on the fact that a) I have a young baby, b) we can just about afford it, c) have decided that we'd rather have me looking after the children than pay for a nanny / childminder / wraparound care and school holiday care and d) my DH works very long hours and works overseas for at least one week a month and we'd like (and are able) for our kids to have the stability of one parent being around as much as possible. I have only been a full time SAHM since my 3rd baby was born, I worked FT between babies 1 & 2 and PT between babies 2&3. I will return on a PT basis once my baby is ready.

[Cactus76]

When my ex was unemployed when we lived together, I was working FT, my mum had our DS 2 days a week (having reduced her hours at work to do so) and our childminder kindly only charged us for 2 of the 3 days he spent with her. Not once did exH suggest that he would look after DS instead (even for one day a week) to save us some money!!

[putthehamsterbackinitscage]

YWNBU to ask him to review what he pays - rather than jumping in with your estimate, tell him you want to review what he is contributing as he is now established in his job/career

Remind him he can have access as he used too and you will continue to help facilitate that as your DS needs his father in his life

If he doesn't respond positively then you could say actually CMS calculator is the standard he should pay and suggest you both check that amount

Ultimately you can go to CMS formally if needed ....

[Motherbear26]

Cactus, all you really need to consider is that your ex is not contributing anywhere near enough. The fact you've moved is irrelevant, as is the guilt you feel for separating your ds from his father. 2 1/2 hours is not that far in the scheme of things. It certainly wouldn't stop my dh from seeing our children regularly. Your ex needs to pay more. He can certainly afford it and if he can't I'm sure the CSA will let you know soon enough. I can't believe people think £250 is sufficient, particularly when he contributes nothing else. I can't feed my ds for that! Your dh seems a good egg to have taken on your ds unconditionally but I can certainly understand his frustration. You are not wrong in wanting to ease his burden. Please at least have the conversation and get the money your son is entitled to.

[bloodyfuming9]

Things like you buying a large house with your husband and three children have got nothing to do with the father of your first child.

Of course it is relevant! needs an extra bedroom,more space, bigger utility bills, more council tax, bigger food bills, bigger car, more accommodation on holidays etc etc etc