To ask my ex for more maintenance??

[Cactus76]

My first time posting here... I'll try to be succinct AND to include as much background as possible.

I left my husband nearly 8 years ago. It wasn't exactly an amicable split at the time. Our DS was 3. As we lived in the same city, he spent time with both of us, but slightly more with me. Because we were sharing care of our DS, we didn't bother with any formal maintenance, I just let him know each month how much I'd spent on childcare and anything else such as school shoes etc and he'd pay me half.

I have a new partner now, been together since not long after the split and now married and have a DD and DS together. After about 2 years we decided to relocate for many reasons and moved to a rural county 2.5 hours away by train. Our DS stayed with me. I felt very very guilty about taking him away from his dad and I didn't ask for any maintenance. Shortly after this my ex lost his job and was out of work for a good 2+ years, so obviously maintenance wasn't something we did. Although we live further away, I always facilitate contact when my ex requests it.

My ex is now working again and has been for 2-3 years. Shortly after he found a job I asked for some contribution and he set up a DD for £250 a month. Better than nothing. So, here's the issue. My OH is getting really irritated by this amount. I don't know what my ex is earning, but I know it will most likely be in excess of £80K. My OH pays his ex the best part of £2K per month in maintenance as calulated by his earnings. He also sees them every other weekend and pays for swimming lessons and other normal stuff (not a hero, just like he should!). If we went down the CSA route, I know we'd be 'entitled' to far more. Although we are reasonably comfortable, things are tight at times. My OH has no issues with supporting my son and he's lovely about it, but at the same time I think it's a matter of principle for him that my ex should be contributing more to his own son. I still feel guilty that I've separated my DS and his dad and know that if we hadn't moved they'd see more of each other so maintenance would be less any way. I also know, for a fact, that this coversation won't go well if I do approach him, he's not the easiest or most pleasant of chaps, hence the fact I'm no longer with him... So, WIBU to ask him for more? Am I being grabby, or just asking a father to do what he should be doing?? Agh!!

I'm not bailing her out.

We give cash instead of presents, for example, so she can save for holidays.

But that's neither here nor there, really, is it?

You made an assumption, I corrected you. Do with the information what you will.

You and I have very different ideas of what it means to rip the OP to bits. But I'm not particularly bothered about it.

With the extra info I think you should just go to CSA and get this done properly based on his earnings.
Get what you are owed by your DS father.
Got to be worth it surely.
I think they can back-date as well.
But you may just want to do it from now?
You can save what you don't spend.

Just go to the CSA.

Ok then just casually ask him if he'd think about upping the amount as activities are expensive. If he flat refuses or doesn't offer the amount you want, don't warn him you'll be pursuing him (if you decide to make a claim).

I was in Court the other day and a mum who had decided to move 2 hours away from the dad with a child and new partner was ordered to move back ASAP. Personally I wouldn't rock the boat (and your new partner sounds like he resents having to pay spousal maintenance to his ex but that's a different issue).

But I still think you'd be best just to go to the CSA.

Piglet...aah I see, I just got it the wrong way round then. You are annoyed that OP is receiving any kind of maintenance and you're not?? It's clear from your posts that something about the OP is pissing you off, don't know why, she's asked a perfectly reasonable question.

Toes

Piglet...aah I see, I just got it the wrong way round then. You are annoyed that OP is receiving any kind of maintenance and you're not?? It's clear from your posts that something about the OP is pissing you off, don't know why, she's asked a perfectly reasonable question.

No wrong again. Don't want a penny from the woman.

Since when did asking reasonable questions of the op equal being annoyed at them?

How about you stop having a go at me and derailing the thread.

Personally I would do, and did do when it was applicable, exactly what Allthebestnamesraeused suggests.

Tell ex you have been doing some cost comparisons and what the CSA calculator says. He is earning loads and works in finance so he should be able to see clearly and matter of factly the figures under his nose.

This method keeps it simple and provable.

A friend who moved 2 hours away from the dc father was ordered to pay all costs in the father getting to see the dc as per the regular contact prior to the move.

So this entailed her driving from Wales to Berkshire every otherveeekend to drop off on the Friday and then collect on Sunday.

So you e been lucky in a way that your ex gave in so easily to not maintaining regular contact with your ds.

When did you start seeing DH then

Piglet

Do you really think your question above has anything remotely to do with the OP's dilemma?

Cactus I have no idea what your ex should pay for his child.

I do feel it is not your husband's business how much your ex pays.

I think in fairness you should work out how much your son costs you. Realistically. And then think about how to talk to your ex about this. As the boy grows and when he can travel more by himself he may see more of his dad and this may mean his dad pays more. This may be great for dad, or son or you, or not so great for anyone. I don't know.

What I would say is that I would be quite careful about rocking a relatively happy boat, even if tight at times, on a matter of principle. Which is what seems to be the case here.

What if the change in payments means your ex sees less of son, or wants to see more?

I think you need to do some maths and work out what your son costs you, what your ex currently pays (is it going up in line with inflation etc, is it going up in line with other things, e.g. once he no longer fits kids clothes the costs of clothes and shoes will go up).

If you do need to have this conversation I would anchor it in what your ds costs and what your ex can afford and not in what your husband pays, or chooses to pay, for his own kids.

I do think in some ways you moving far away is a feature, I do not blame you for doing that for a second. But if this has impacted on your ex's relationship with his son, and if your ex can be a bit awkward and can make life difficult I would seriously think about rocking this boat unless you feel it is right for your son to do so.

To be honest your husband sounds like this is an issue of principle for him, not of what is best for your son, and that is slightly worrying.

It doesn't matter what one person gets versus another. Maintenance is calculated on income. Not what Bob, Fred and George pay. Or how much Alice, Frances and Mary get. It's about income of the NRP.

He is paying far less than he should be and you should be looking at increasing his payments either informally or through CMS.

Kat - thank you for that info!

Toes - wow! Really? That's quite scary. Would that be the case after 5 years where exH hasn't contested it at all, where contact has ALWAYS been facilitated / encouraged and my DS actively doesn't want to go back to where we used to live (we have discussed this a lot as I want to make sure that he's happy where he is. I'd hate to discover in 10 years that he hated living here and was desperate to move back to where his dad is).

Thank you Lemonaise - I should have ignored that question really due to its complete irrelevance. Not sure why I replied!

The monthly payment of £250 per month doesn't seem a huge amount from somebody who is earning £70K plus per year. But on the other hand your ex shouldn't be responsible for other children and buying a big house and you deciding to live in a rural area. I think it would be reasonable to ask for say £350 a month under the circumstances especially when there has been periods when he hasn't paid anything.

But I agree that the CSA might not award more. I read on a thread a while ago the norm was 10% of take home pay for one child and 15% of take home pay for two children. And it certainly doesn't sound as if your household is short of money.

Lemonnaise, sorry but it looks like it's you who has the strange little vendetta going and posting absolutely nothing of relevance or help

Do you really think your question above has anything remotely to do with the OP's dilemma?

Actually yes, because it could have been sorted as part of the divorce settlement.

I wasn't rude. I was actually asking questions.

Now are you going to stop derailing?

Not sure what you issue is tbh.

Italian - thank you for your comments. You're right. Any conversation must entirely be anchored around our DS and not any of our other circumstances. I've been thinking about tying in it with secondary school as our costs will go up. Uniforms and sports kit / more expensive lunches / mobile phone contract (we've all agreed he can have a phone when he starts at secondary) / social life / better bike (he'll be cycling so will need a more reliable stead than he has now) / tutoring (he's almost certainly going to need this to help him keep up in maths at the very least). It seems a positive way to explain that we will need more input, ssoVilky in the light of the fact that he's not contributing in line with his earnings anyway.

Lemonnaise, sorry but it looks like it's you who has the strange little vendetta going and posting absolutely nothing of relevance or help

No, just feel the OP is getting a hard time from posters who are more interested in her private life than the question she asked.

Exactly Kat - we have a partnership in which all of our finances are joint. Therefore I consider it both of our business what goes in and what comes out..