To ask my ex for more maintenance??

[Cactus76]

My first time posting here... I'll try to be succinct AND to include as much background as possible.

I left my husband nearly 8 years ago. It wasn't exactly an amicable split at the time. Our DS was 3. As we lived in the same city, he spent time with both of us, but slightly more with me. Because we were sharing care of our DS, we didn't bother with any formal maintenance, I just let him know each month how much I'd spent on childcare and anything else such as school shoes etc and he'd pay me half.

I have a new partner now, been together since not long after the split and now married and have a DD and DS together. After about 2 years we decided to relocate for many reasons and moved to a rural county 2.5 hours away by train. Our DS stayed with me. I felt very very guilty about taking him away from his dad and I didn't ask for any maintenance. Shortly after this my ex lost his job and was out of work for a good 2+ years, so obviously maintenance wasn't something we did. Although we live further away, I always facilitate contact when my ex requests it.

My ex is now working again and has been for 2-3 years. Shortly after he found a job I asked for some contribution and he set up a DD for £250 a month. Better than nothing. So, here's the issue. My OH is getting really irritated by this amount. I don't know what my ex is earning, but I know it will most likely be in excess of £80K. My OH pays his ex the best part of £2K per month in maintenance as calulated by his earnings. He also sees them every other weekend and pays for swimming lessons and other normal stuff (not a hero, just like he should!). If we went down the CSA route, I know we'd be 'entitled' to far more. Although we are reasonably comfortable, things are tight at times. My OH has no issues with supporting my son and he's lovely about it, but at the same time I think it's a matter of principle for him that my ex should be contributing more to his own son. I still feel guilty that I've separated my DS and his dad and know that if we hadn't moved they'd see more of each other so maintenance would be less any way. I also know, for a fact, that this coversation won't go well if I do approach him, he's not the easiest or most pleasant of chaps, hence the fact I'm no longer with him... So, WIBU to ask him for more? Am I being grabby, or just asking a father to do what he should be doing?? Agh!!

I think you need to separate out what your OH pays for 2 children plus spousal maintenance.

For example you are not entitled to spousal maintenance having remarried and only have one child.

I agree with other posters the £600 mark on his (supposed) salary sounds about right

Perhaps the solution is to formalise it through the CSA

Yes, but as the resident parent then it's your responsibility to house him.

I really don't buy that argument I'm afraid. Just because he can afford it doesn't mean that he has to pay for every element of your sons life. Where do you chip in here? Not to be harsh but if your DH is "frustrated" about paying solely for his step child then maybe you should start financially contributing rather than expecting your ex to pick up the bill.

I wouldn't let guilt get in the way, you and your partner both supported him when he was unemployed, you didn't move very far, you facilitate the relationship, he chooses how often to see DC, he's on a staggering wage and the CSA has set a legal minimum that he should contribute which is based on his wage and how often he see's the child, not based on how many other kids you have or your house type.

I wish CSA did include an element of childcare though, i fork out £90 a week on after school childcare to fit in with my exs shifts, yet he doesn't have to help at all with it.

Quartz - I'm not for a moment trying to argue that my ex should pay me what OH pays his ex. Our situations are both totally different and I'm not entitled (nor do I want) spousal maintenance!

Do it if you want to, and if youre prepared for everything that comes with it, only you can know if it will be worth it to keep your OH happy.

Isn't it funny how step mothers get vilified on here for wanting a say yet people seem fine with your OH getting involved.

Cactus76 - If your ex started paying £600 a month would you also up our contributions to your child to £600 a month? Surely your childs needs should be split equally. So if that were the case your child would be getting £1200 spent on them a month? Sounds a lot to me. If you are not spending that amount on the child then where would that extra money go and why do you need it?

I don't see why either step mothers or step fathers aren't involved. Of course they are!! My DS lives with us 99% of the time. He's involved in every aspect of his life, genuinely treats him as his own son in every way. To be told that he has no right to be involved in this seems really odd to me. I'd feel the same where a step mum was being told the same too. Especially where the children concerned are living with her full-time.

Semi - really good point! I like the idea that someone else suggested further up, that once I've done the calculations to work out what we spend on him a month, any excess goes into his saving account though.

Casey - surely CM is used, in part, to cover costs of housing a child?

Not to cover the difference between a 5 bed and a 4 bed, especially when presumably you need that size because your OH has other children who stay!
Your husband has to be earning about 200k+ to be paying the figures in spousal and child support you quote, and has 4 children. Is he so bothered by the costs for your child?

If you want more child support, just do it, there is nothing wrong with it. I question your motivation though. It should be because your child is entitled to it and deserves it, not because your husband isn't happy paying for your son.

I don't think that people are saying he shouldn't be involved, of course he should, but from your posts it really does seem as though you were happy with the arrangement that you and your ex had until your DH said otherwise.

All people are saying is that it makes no difference how much your DH pays out to his ex, if YOU think your ex is paying enough or YOU can't be bothered with the argument/CMA assessments then it's your decision to make. At the end of the day if your son is being provided for equally by both his parents then that's fair.

Actually I think that regardless of what you your Dh and you EXdh think is by the by. There is a legal obligation for your ex to pay for his DS and (as someone who was way to wishy washy with my e and it has backfired massively) a calculation in place to ensure that the minimum is met.

Take emotions out of it. Go to the CMS get them to do the calculation (there is a charge for this) then you will actually know what you are talking about it true terms. Then you can either negotiate with ex because he will see in black and white what he should pay. If you don't want him to pay full amount that is between you and ex if he won't negotiate then you have your answer and insist on full amount.

I think the way you have mentioned your DP and his payments make it sound that you DP just wants to recoup some of his payment back through your ex (which may or may not be the case).

Also I think the fact that there has been times you ex has paid nothing means you shouldn't feel guilty AND yes you moved but I have heard plenty of pp on MN say children aren't pay per view and as it is his choice not to have DS doesn't mean he can use the pay per view in his favour.

As op has explained, part of the money would be going to paying half the additional costs of having an extra bedroom, being the resident parent. Op had nothing for years. Her ex hardly sees his child, never takes him away or buys things for him. If he has plenty of money to spare, why shouldn't she ask for more money and use it for treats, pocket money, school trips, activities and holiday clubs?

Right, a very quick tot up of weekly costs (after school clubs / school lunches / fuel for transport to school and clubs / food), I'm coming to about £100. On top of that, there is the cost of clothing / uniforms / sports gear / utilities / housing / daytrips / holiday clubs and activities / school trips and residentials / Scouts trips and camps / annual insurance payments for clubs such as gymnastics / buying pressies for friends' birthdays / books / bikes. Whilst I'm obviously not averaging anywhere near £1200 a month, I'm well over the £500 I'm working on now!

Casey - no, he earns considerably less than that. More like half!

Melina - no, I said earlier that I wasn't happy, but my guilt got in the way of this! I've also said that I'm aware that my OH's payments to his ex are not relevant. Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned them in my OP. I was trying to give as much info as possible, but I think it's got in the way of what I'm trying to ask!

£100 a week for after school clubs lunches and fuel only for one child!! Eek! Is that usual across the board?

I don't know where you've got the idea that nrp are supposed to pay for half of every single cost associated with the child, because they aren't. All the stuff that you spend money on that the NRP has no say over, they are your costs to cover.
Are you suggesting all of your children cost well over 500 a month to maintain?

Casey - my point about house size is that we need an extra room regardless of how many rooms we end up with. So, if we had no other children, we'd need to pay for a 2 rather than one bed. An increase in rooms always means an increase in cost!

Casey - I got the idea from the fact that many posters here have asked me exactly how much I spend on my DS per month and said that I should be splitting that to work out whether I need more or not.

If you dont formalise an arrangement with exH based on legally defined CSA amounts then this arguement is going to run and run...... what will you do if DS needs more money, when he goes to Uni, if he starts an expensive hobby, DH loses his job, exH loses his job, when mortgages go up and youre not so well off, if DH still insnt happy etc etc. Stop 'randomly' calculating amounts and let CSA judge.

Casey - no, he earns considerably less than that. More like half!

Yet he's assessed to pay 2k a month, and can afford another family in a 5 bed house? 3 more kids that you reckon cost at least 500 a month each?
Sorry, don't believe you. Your figures don't add up.

Well, if we're paying £1200 a month to DH's ex for her kids, yes we are paying around that much. Our DS and DD are much younger than the other kids so are much less active in terms of costly clubs and activities.

The £2k includes a large spousal chunk too, based on the lifestyle they had when married.

Except if 1200 is a lot more than the cms calculation if your income is as you say. At least a third more.

DH didn't reduce his CM to his ex when we had more children as he didn't feel it was right to do so, out of ex's control, not sure whether that explains anything?

This thread is bonkers. Of course you should be getting more maintenance. Your dh sounds nice but he would only be human to be annoyed at covering almost all costs while the child's actual father is paying so much below his obligations!