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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to expect people not to leave there seats because I am fat

283 replies

DUFFDADDY1 · 28/03/2017 08:04

On numerous cases I get on a very busy train and I notice a vacant seat between two people, when I have done this I have had looks as if I have some contagious tropical disease. Or I have mega huffs and strange noises of discontent, or as happend today the person got up and stood until another seat was available . I am overweight, but you will catch it if I sit near you👹

OP posts:
ZebraOwl · 28/03/2017 11:17

To be strictly accurate, on a train, nobody has paid for a seat - you've paid to travel. A seat is a happy bonus. Which is how train companies can get away with squishing commuters in like sardines. I suppose if you're unable to stand safely you have a moral right to a seat, and train companies are trying to encourage it (& when I have to brave rush-hour trains from the last stop before the big London stations people are mostly pretty good about letting me sit down though I no longer "look disabled" [NJ tube had people LEAPING up for me as people by doors would tell them before I could ask myself]) but your ticket - despite the extortionate cost, isn't actually for a seat.

The huffing & puffing is a bit much I think - it's rude, basically. But on SE Fail, certainly, the 3-seaters (not 3-sweaters, thank you autocorrect) are not generous. They seat 3 Brownies in comfort & 4 can squish in without any overspill, but they've not much wiggle-room. And we're talking slender children here, too. If there are two "average" (for want of a better word) size adults on two of the seats, however, & they're joined by someone who is overweight, they just don't fit. Obviously how much they don't fit by is determined by the size of all involved & how they behave - space-encroaching is a thing at any size - but had another "average" person sat down, they would have all fitted, because you can fight off space-encroachers in a way you can't stop someone spilling over into your seat due to their weight. (I q frequently do battle with manspreaders on the tube: just because I'm small & a woman doesn't mean you can sit next to me practically doing the box splits with your elbows in my ribs. They invariably seem gobsmacked to find their limbs pushed back out of my space.)

It can feel very claustrophobic to be "squashed" in the window seat on trains full stop - if someone is encroaching on your space in that seat you really do feel trapped & unable to move even to read/use your phone etc. The person on the aisle seat can often feel rather close to the outside edge of their seat when there are 3 people sitting in the seats; when one of the 3 is overweight they will end up perching on the edge of the seat, as described by a PP.

As a PP has said, the OP is making sitting uncomfortable for others to the point they'd rather stand. Despite how precious seats are on trains. Other posters who are overweight have commented that they'd not squeeze themselves into a seat if it would cause other passengers discomfort - and given the frequency with which this is happening, either you commute with a chapter of Fat Shamers International, or you're causing people discomfort.

As to the "I don't take up my whole seat, how dare fat people steal what's left from me!" thing... as long as I'm left some breathing room, as it were, I don't, generally speaking, have a problem with this. I totally understand why overweight people will walk past other people sitting in the window seats of the two seats to sit next to me where there's more space for them. It makes sense, especially given the amount of shite overweight people have to put up with. Of course I get the odd person who apparently feels entitled to the entire double seat - but that happens with people who aren't overweight as well & I think is more to do with being an entitled arse &/or lack of proprioception than size! I've seen an overweight woman reduced to tears on a train because when she asked a man to move his McDonald's bag to let her sit down he bellowed that he wasn't "having a fat bitch" like her sitting next to him because "you'll crush me to death". As she stood there in shock he followed this up with "get away from me you fat cunt", then "is it my food you want fatty? Have it then!" and lobbing about a quarter of a burger at her that hit the side of her face & sort of a bit of her hair then fell onto her shoulder & down her front. A couple of guys from the other end of the carriage bodily ejected him from the train & some of us helped her clean herself up as best we could, but it really was horrendous. And all happened in one rush.

However, despite what arses like the bloke I mentioned above think, of course overweight people have the right to sit down on public transport, just like everyone else. But just like everyone else they need to be considerate of their fellow passengers, which in some cases may mean choosing not to sit in certain seats. And 2 people with suitcases shouldn't take up a 6-seater; and please don't block 2 of the 2-seaters with your pram and then take over the 6 & 4 seaters behind them with 2 parents, baby & 4 yo - and REALLY don't expect me to not only be Charmed And Delighted By said 4yo running up & down the carriage, but to entertain him when he demands it & I'm clearly occupied. Oh & if your child demands to play on a stranger's phone & they say no, don't try to wheedle them into it & then tell your child, loudly, as said stranger is alighting, that she wouldn't let him use it because she's "a mean girl whose mummy & daddy haven't taught her sharing". (I look quite a lot younger than I am & that one was a few years ago now.). Holding back on chuntering on about Teenage Mothers and What The World Is Coming To would also be good; especially, because actual teen mothers may be hurt by that sort of idiocy, if you won't find yourself looking a right twit because the "teen mum" & her sister start having a loud conversation about how it doesn't seem possible university graduation was so long ago etc. (My wee sister also looks younger than her age.) This is all without even getting into the eejits who drink on trains (or are just rowdy after doing so); or eat smelly food; or leave litter lying around; or smoke (especially weed, tbh, the smell of that makes me want to vom); or lech (or worse); or are otherwise anti-social feckers.

WatchHowISoar · 28/03/2017 11:32

Yabu op. You admit you encroach and spill out when on an end seat. That would make things uncomfortable if you sat in the middle. If you really want a seat then ask the person on the end to move up so you have more room and don't make others uncomfortable. No one owes you a seat.

As someone overweight herself I sympathise that it's hard to sometimes get comfy and some people are arses and judgy. However if this is a common problem you are the common denominator here which suggests that something in your behaviour is causing the reaction.

It could be you are encroaching or squashing because of weight.
You could be a fucking annoying 'I must air my balls' leg spreader.
It could be any number of things such as sweat smell or annoying habit. I used to always move if a regular tube goer sat next to me because he always snorted and nastily cleared his throat. Annoyed the hell out of me until I got headphones I moved.

Coutesy goes a long way and far too many people are lacking it in many different ways as ZebraOwl examples above.

Reow · 28/03/2017 11:35

Of course you have the right to sit.

But if someone sits next to me and is so large that they are encroaching over their seat and into mine, squishing me off my seat or causing me to be touching them arse to shoulder then I move. I don't like people in my personal space regardless of their size, and very large people sometimes spill over their own seat onto mine.

I also move if possible (politely and quietly without sneering or huffing) away from people coughing and snorting, talking loudly on their mobiles, talking loudly to other travellers, playing music on their phones without headphones, and children that shout and kick the chairs in front of them.

I don't want to offend anyone, but I don't want to have to listen to them/get squashed off my seat if possible.

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 28/03/2017 11:48

Oh Zebra you are no fun at ALL

No seriously, you sound LOVELY...and much too reasonable for hereabouts!

Flowers
WutheringTights · 28/03/2017 11:51

Where I board the train there used to be a large man who would always come and sit next to me, encroaching onto my seat with his size and manspreading and squashing me up against the window which was pretty unpleasant in the summer in particular. He chose to sit next to me each day as there were plenty of other empty seats at my stop but it was usually standing room only a few stops later. After a week or so I politely asked him to keep to his own seat. He did for a minute or so but then went back to pushing up against me. The next day, when he came to sit next to me, I moved seats. He never sat next to me again. Much nicer journeys from that day on. I'm afraid that I'm not going to put up with significant discomfort to spare a stranger's feelings unless there's good reason, particularly if that person is making no effort to spare mine.

Norland · 28/03/2017 11:54

The OP guesses he's a dress-size 24. This has to be a wind-up.

If it's not, then PollyPerks and Bloggybollocks offer good advice.

Who wants some complete stranger rubbing up against them at any time, even if they're a size 8 and pretty to boot if you think that's what it's about. I pay for the upgrade to 1st Class coming back from Waterloo if it's a train later than 1605 to avoid such things.

MyGastIsFlabbered · 28/03/2017 12:04

Surely the answer is for us fatties to have our own fat carriage (in the same way as they have a quiet carriage) Hmm

Ethylred · 28/03/2017 12:13

Surprise surprise, if you squash other people you will annoy them. What else do you expect?

Trifleorbust · 28/03/2017 12:19

I don't know why so many people are getting defensive about this issue. I'm fat. I don't think I have a right to sit on someone else's chair, nor do I think it is a personal attack on me or my weight if they don't like me doing this.

MrsCobain · 28/03/2017 12:24

You do NOT have a right to take up more space than somebody else. You want two seats, pay for two.

I have sensory issues and can get very claustrophobic. Totally fine usually but if someone is spilling out in to my seat and touching me it really upsets me. So I would get up and move yes.

I think it's pretty rude of you to go and sit down knowing you'll be encroaching in to someone else's space, don't be annoyed if I shoot you a rude look as I move.

MrsCobain · 28/03/2017 12:26

Oh and when I put on 6 stone with ds (and as someone who's 5'1 I was pretty big) I didn't squash myself between people partly for me and partly for respect for others.

Norland · 28/03/2017 12:28

MyGastIsFlabbered Surely the answer is for us fatties to have our own fat carriage (in the same way as they have a quiet carriage)

Not a bad idea; install some treadmills and cycling machines and convert the resultant energy output to electricity to be used by the train? That kills so many birds :

  • no need to go to the gym after work or when you get home
  • takes your mind off the mind-numbing monotony of commuting
  • offers personal space
  • good for the environment by generating electricity
  • will result in less bodily inches, so less clothing required to cover said body
  • reduces junk-food intake as you won't stuff pasties on the train
  • frees up seats for others in the rest of the train

You are the true heir of Beeching House and I claim my £5.

ZebraOwl · 28/03/2017 12:29

EBIOND

In my "Threads I'm On" thingy only the first part of your comment came up & I almost retreated into Fort Duvet with the cats (not normally such a delicate flower, oral steroids make my brain a bit woggly: I once full-on sobbed in the streets because the blossom was falling from the trees & it reminded me everything is transient & life is fleeting...) Blush🙄

But yes, thank you for the Flowers. And sorry for above twittishness. Obviously yay!breathing & yay!no-hospital, but it would be nice if that came without my brain being Utterly Sodding Ridiculous about things. Honestly, I can't take it anywhere Wink

And I do try to be reasonable, yes. Unless being Deliberately Ridiculous, clearly. We've been doing quite a bit international stuff at Brownies this term, even if it's just introducing them to games from other countries. "Nose, nose, ear" from Iran was VERY popular - the Leader in charge can gently tap the person next to them (hence the name) or pull a face at them, and the recipient of this, um, message, mustn't laugh. If they do they're out. Brownies don't really expect adults to sit & pull a series of daft faces at them...

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 28/03/2017 12:47

I sympathise with anyone who I've offended (not purposefully!) by moving seats - I just can't bear having someone else's flesh pressed up against mine unless they're a VERY close friend or relative. I would prefer to stand (this is why I cycle to work!).

It must be upsetting if people move away from you, but it's probably just because they don't want ANYONE touching them, it won't be personal (unless you have poor personal hygiene, or strong perfume, or a crazed look in your eye suggesting you are on the verge of stabbing a passer-by).

SuperFlyHigh · 28/03/2017 12:56

A size 24 isn't small...

I've been squashed between two people (1 very overweight) and usually it's not for long, but I wouldn't want to do it everyday.

I'd say something to you if you were squashing me, it is not my fault you're overweight. Also man do tend to manspread or encroach. Think if the situation were reversed and you were thinner and being squashed, you wouldn't like it then would you?

On my new commute today i saw an obese man taking up almost 2 seats but it's at a later time and also on a bus. If that's what helps them so be it.

SuperFlyHigh · 28/03/2017 12:57

mrscobain agreed you don't have to squash others if you're overweight.

Lingotria · 28/03/2017 13:18

24 is large. I could fit nicely as a size 18 and still leave room at both sides. I think up to a 20-22 would be okay for most 3 seater trains and tubes.

Maybe use this as an incentive to make a change healthwise? Don't wait for a chair to break & then kids commenting like how I did Blush

brickinitIam · 28/03/2017 13:22

Surely the answer is for us fatties to have our own fat carriage (in the same way as they have a quiet carriage)

That could work.
One or two carriages where all the seats were extra wide.

If they did that on a plane, it would have to be in the middle of the plane, for obvious reasons.

DUFFDADDY1 · 28/03/2017 15:16

That's it A FATTIES REVOLUTION

OP posts:
Lweji · 28/03/2017 15:20

Not a bad idea; install some treadmills and cycling machines and convert the resultant energy output to electricity to be used by the train?

Some of us skinnies would also enjoy the opportunity of a workout while commuting.

Deathraystare · 28/03/2017 15:22

Well I am a fatty (18/20) but I get really bothered if the only seat is next to someone bigger than me, I am left witha quarter arse cheek on the seat and hanging off the edge of the seat (buses). I especially hate it when they fold their chubby arms. Somepeople actually seem to 'pump' themselves up. I have noticed to my embarrassment a fe times that I get a bit 'stuck' in tube seats. Not that i took up all that room but must have been how I was sitting....

ineedamoreadultieradult · 28/03/2017 15:27

I have to admit I get up and move if a stranger sits in a seat and end up a bit in my personal space, not just because they are overweight, some men with broad shoulders etc would fit into this category or people with big puffy coats on etc. I dont have a problem with the people I have a personal space issue. If I choose to move then I can't see what harm I am doing. Its not as if I am telling the other person they cant sit there.

DUFFDADDY1 · 28/03/2017 15:30

Just to clarify I get the train Every day , like many others . I have observed that medium sized people are encroach on others space. I suppose this is like putting bags on the seats , although the bags don't pay. I certainly do not want to invade people's space. I suppose another AIBU. To ask them to move to the next seat along highlighting ( as I have done before) informing them that I may crush them if I sit in the middle

OP posts:
CaseyAtTheBat · 28/03/2017 15:35

Have you realised how ridiculous your OP was yet?

PineappleExpress · 28/03/2017 15:35

It would certainly lighten the mood if you said 'Excuse me, would you mind scooching along a bit so I don't squish you?' Grin