Asking my exdh to collect our children from the airport after I have taken them on holiday?

[LieInsAreExtinct]

Background: We split nearly 6 years ago because of his drinking, and have just finalized divorce. Since then I have provided the vast majority of childcare for our 2 DC, now 12 and 17. In the last year or so he has been sober and able to have our younger a one overnight and I the odd week in school hold which had been a huge improvement although it causes friction sometimes. Our DD is not keen on going to stay, mainly as she doesn't have her own room there, but I feel she should spend 4 or 5 weekends a year (seeing her grandma too)
He gives me a modest amount per month for their upkeep and has signed over most of our family home to me, with an affordable mortgage. He owns other property, doesn't work, lives with and cares for his elderly mum. He is not hard up and could work if he wanted to. What he pays me covers his share of the dc basic living costs, but certainly doesn't cover the cost of taking them on holiday. I have taken them away for a week or two each year, sometimes cheap and cheerful, sometimes splashing out a bit on skiing or an all-inclusive resort. I work full-time and also accommodate students for extra income, so work bloody hard. My job is a low-as-you-can go management job in the NHS.
Here's the beef: I asked him if he would ease collect the children from the airport when we get back from France at Easter. We land about 8 pm and I am planning to go to see my boyfriend for 3 nights before I go back to work on the Tuesday. This will mean about 40 minutes extra each way for him, compared to collecting them from our home next day (which is Easter Sunday, when I think would be nice for them to see their gm instead of her being abandoned for hours). He thinks this is an unreasonable request. I think it is the least he can do to contribute something to facilitating the DC's holiday, and he is just being petty and jealous. It will cost us another £40 or so to get home, and I wouldn't be able to get going until mid-morning next day. Ok do I will enjoy the holiday, but it will also involve stress and all the delights of siblings bickering in close quarters for a week, on top of the expense. I only ever get to really relax when being pampered by my partner (coming up for 3 years, only see each other 'most' weekends and have not had more than 4 nights away as a holiday).

Bill I don't really understand whether you think I'm lying or that I don't have relatives who have carers (including the one who I also help to care for) or maybe you think I just don't know what their needs are. The fact - whether you choose to listen to other people who have clearly got different experiences to you or whether you rudely dismiss them - is that not every person who has a care visit in the morning is at massive risk of falling or dying or sitting for hours in their own waste or any of the other things you said. I'm not about to go into personal details about the person I care for to prove a point to some random on the internet. I just don't know why you're so insistent on rubbishing someone else's experience when it's just as valid as yours. But there's really no talking to someone who's response when they run out of sensible things to say is "whatever". That's what I'd expect from a 10 year old.

bluebird being elderly and infirm is in itself a fall risk. People have care packages to help them get out of bed, wash and get dressed because THEY CAN'T DO IT ON THEIR OWN. Not because they can't be bothered. Hence if they are put into bed early they won't be able to get up and go to the loo. Being elderly and infirm is a falls risk in itself. And if you are too infirm to get up wash and get dressed you will be a magnified fall risk. Even dementia and Alzheimer's although not specifically physical increase falls risk. I would be absolutely fascinated to hear of this condition where from 7am to midday the patient is incapacitated but from midday onwards they're apparently fine.

Obviously I don't think people who rely on carers are lazy, otherwise I wouldn't be providing care myself. What a nasty thing to say. I'm not going to argue with you about it anymore. What you think or believe has no bearing on whether something is true. I know that what I'm saying is true because I'm living it. I don't need validation from you.

When you booked the holiday, you should have made arrangements and considered the cost and timing of getting everyone home.

It is not your Ex's responsibility to provide transport from the airport, and obviously nothing to do with him if you have made plans with your BF.

YABU

Of course, in an ideal world it would all work out and he'd pick them up from airport with a smile on his face. But, by the sounds if it, he doesn't go on holiday with them, so must be quite hard for him.

Yes it must be really hard for him to not pay a penny towards the DC holiday for 6 years and contribute no overnight accommodation for 5 of those years... What are you talking about? It's actually been quite hard for me! So what if it's hard? They would not have been on holiday if I hadn't worked my arse off and arranged every detail every year. And I have an alternative arrangement, it is just less convenient/attractive for everyone concerned except poor poor ex-dh. He has enough self-pity, he doesn't need any more. He could arrange care for his mum so that he could go away in the summer but he won't. He will have DS to stay and do things locally for him but DD will be bored stiff after a day or two so will come home.
He has grudgingly agreed to do it, making sure he knows how put out he feels. Surprisingly (to some of you, but not to me) he has not mentioned his mum in the objections at all.

Also I may have failed to mention that he was a pretty feckless parent for about 3 years before we broke up; it was a gradual decline into alcoholism, losing his job and eventually being an unsustainable situation, so he has many more years to make up for really. I did most of the driving as you might imagine, felt anxious leaving the DC in his care so rarely enjoyed an evening out, had numerous embarrassing and dangerous situations in public to deal with... Doesn't he owe me (and the DC) this? He gets an extra day with his DD who he hardly sees and there will probably be less traffic anyway so it may not even take any longer, though more miles.

Brilliant result. Well the best you could have expected to achieve. He's an arse, isn't he? That's why he's your ex. I hope your plane is on time and he comes through. Have a lovely holiday.

And definitely no sympathy for him beyond saying how sad his choices in life are. Had he showed remorse or bent over backwards once he got dry, maybe more sympathy or maybe not. But no, he sounds like no one most women would want to date. And a bore to your daughter.

Just read your second message. I did kind of get this from your other posts. I cannot imagine how hard this was for you. You had to contend with not only leaving but having to protect your dc from a feckless alcoholic once you'd left and no longer had any control over the situation when they were in his presence.

I'm glad you got it sorted. My own experience with an alcoholic relative is that they never think they "owe you" as that even when dry out they don't acknowledge that they have been a crap parent/spouse and wallow in self pity and jealousy. It sounds like your ex is similar....

Glad its sorted. I do sympathise with you having had to do all the parenting for the past 6 years and most of the years before that too. My DD's dad is unable to parent her any more now (not due to addiction but serious mental health issues) so I'm doing it all for the foreseeable future but I'm lucky in that my boyfriend is very involved so I'm not completely alone. Good luck for the future and hopefully he can step up more.

Glad he's agreed to do it!

Hope you enjoy your holiday with your DCs & your weekend with your lovely Bf

Glad it's sorted.

Some people really don't get what single parent life is like. For example NRP can just call on contact day and announce that they aren't coming because of illness hangover while RP sucks it up and rearranges their day.

Enjoy the holiday and your break.

YANBU! It's not too much to ask for him to do the right thing by his children, which is to pick up from the airport. Sounds like he was just being awkward for the sake of it.

Glad you got it sorted.