Asking my exdh to collect our children from the airport after I have taken them on holiday?

[LieInsAreExtinct]

Background: We split nearly 6 years ago because of his drinking, and have just finalized divorce. Since then I have provided the vast majority of childcare for our 2 DC, now 12 and 17. In the last year or so he has been sober and able to have our younger a one overnight and I the odd week in school hold which had been a huge improvement although it causes friction sometimes. Our DD is not keen on going to stay, mainly as she doesn't have her own room there, but I feel she should spend 4 or 5 weekends a year (seeing her grandma too)
He gives me a modest amount per month for their upkeep and has signed over most of our family home to me, with an affordable mortgage. He owns other property, doesn't work, lives with and cares for his elderly mum. He is not hard up and could work if he wanted to. What he pays me covers his share of the dc basic living costs, but certainly doesn't cover the cost of taking them on holiday. I have taken them away for a week or two each year, sometimes cheap and cheerful, sometimes splashing out a bit on skiing or an all-inclusive resort. I work full-time and also accommodate students for extra income, so work bloody hard. My job is a low-as-you-can go management job in the NHS.
Here's the beef: I asked him if he would ease collect the children from the airport when we get back from France at Easter. We land about 8 pm and I am planning to go to see my boyfriend for 3 nights before I go back to work on the Tuesday. This will mean about 40 minutes extra each way for him, compared to collecting them from our home next day (which is Easter Sunday, when I think would be nice for them to see their gm instead of her being abandoned for hours). He thinks this is an unreasonable request. I think it is the least he can do to contribute something to facilitating the DC's holiday, and he is just being petty and jealous. It will cost us another £40 or so to get home, and I wouldn't be able to get going until mid-morning next day. Ok do I will enjoy the holiday, but it will also involve stress and all the delights of siblings bickering in close quarters for a week, on top of the expense. I only ever get to really relax when being pampered by my partner (coming up for 3 years, only see each other 'most' weekends and have not had more than 4 nights away as a holiday).

I love how everyone is an expert on exMIL's care requirements. Except for the OP of course, who is the only person who actually knows her and has understanding of her situation. Believe it or not, there are a million and one reasons why somebody might need care and people have very different needs. I have a close relative who relies on a care package that sounds fairly similar to OP's exMIL. My relative also has help from two family members, myself included. It is not by any stretch a full time job (even if one of us were doing it alone) and I have plenty of time on my hands for other things. It's maybe an hour every day of our time altogether. If OP says that's the case for her ex, then that's it. That's not disrespectful to carers. It is just fact.

If OP is saying that leaving her at night time is less disruptive than leaving her in the morning then you ought to take that at face value. After all, she does actually have the insider knowledge to state that fact.

But I think you're being totally disingenuous about his caring responsibilities OP

So, because he cares for his mother, he is absolved of all caring responsibility of his children? in which parallel universe is that an actual thing?

The OP absolutely has the right to spend time with her boyfriend and it would be the kind thing to do if her ex did pick up the children from the airport, and she has every right to ask him, but I'm just questioning why she is making it more difficult for herself when one 'child' is 17 and so should be able to take her brother home so OP can go straight to her boyfriend's. OP has since said that DD and DS fight so that's why she doesn't want them travelling back alone, and if there's a chance one of them will storm off in the city centre or something then that's a reasonable reason not to go for that option.

That said, I've been in almost the exact same situation before OP, when I was a single parent coming back from holiday with DD (but she was a toddler at the time) and wanted to go visit my boyfriend afterwards so asked her dad to come pick her up from the airport. Difference was that it was much easier for him to pick her up (closer than picking up from my home) and I was getting picked up my BF's brother who didn't have a carseat for DD so it was either her dad picked her up or me and DD travelled by bus (of course with no carseat).

She will clearly need assistance to get to bed.

So, because he cares for his mother, he is absolved of all caring responsibility of his children? in which parallel universe is that an actual thing?

The universe where elderly people who struggle to do things on their own fall and die. Or have to sit in their own waste for hours. You know, the one we live in.

The universe were not being picked up from the airport is not going to threaten consequences anywhere near those of leaving his mother.

But hes going to be leaving his mother the following day to pick them up anyway, so that argument doesn't stand up.

instead of going on holiday with your kids why didn't you organise a few days with your boyfriend instead ??

BillSykes, the OP has already said that his mother will already be in bed, and that there's a lodger who provides back-up.

The mother is not going to fall and die or sit in her own waste for hours if the ex-DH has to drive 40 minutes out of his way; don't be ridiculous.

But hes going to be leaving his mother the following day to pick them up anyway, so that argument doesn't stand up.

However he wouldn't be leaving her for an extra hour and half as airport us further, plus time waiting for the to get through customs, collect baggage or any delays.

but all you saying he should pick them up from the Airport to make things easier for the OP, how many would say the same if it would of made the NRP life easier at the expesne of the OP?

40 min travel there and 40 min back + the cost of parking could easily come to close to £30 or £40 if the flight is deleyed (parking at most airports is extornate often nearly £7 or even more in the South of UK an hour) (it was £6.80 an hour at liverpool airport back in december)

Bill you have no idea what the consequences would be if the exMIL were left for a couple of hours whilst her son did an airport pickup. You're talking about some very extreme scenarios here - falling and dying, sitting in her own waste - when you have no clue if those things are likely to occur. She may be perfectly capable of getting herself to the toilet. You don't know whether she will need assistance getting into bed. You are making assumptions. And if she does need assistance, you don't know whether her son is the one who normally provides it. In my personal experience, it's unusual for sons to be the ones who provide intimate care such as washing and undressing for their mothers. You're also assuming that the reason he won't agree to help OP is due to his mother when actually he just got the hump and stormed off because OP had the audacity to ask him to go out of his way a little bit. Surely if he couldn't help because he was helping his mother into bed then he would just say "sorry OP, I can't help because your flight gets in at the same time my mum needs getting ready for bed". Absolutely fine. Really straightforward. But he didn't say that, he just stropped off.

so infact instead of the OP spending the £30 odd pounds she wants to shift the costs to the EX

why dont you actully work out the actual cost including parking and then offer him the money?

how many would say the same if it would of made the NRP life easier at the expesne of the OP?

Being the NRP who failed to fulfill his responsibilities towards his children for years because he was drunk probably wouldn't garner the same response when he wanted a favour, no. I think people have more sympathy for the woman who picked up his slack for years.

Worrid - perhaps if the Ex had said he couldn't afford it but would like to, he and the op could make an arrangement, but he won't do it on principle. Not because of the cost.

Team Pallisers here.

Can your partner come to yours that night and you split the cost?
And you stay at yours that weekend?
That way you get the same time together you wanted ?

I agree the easiest option is for your ExH to help but he's clearly an asshat

He's leaving his mother the next day in the morning when she has professional carers visiting. I know some posters would like to imagine that an elderly lady who is so infirm in the morning she needs help getting up, washing, feeding and dressing will by the evening have all her faculties and be happily be scooting around the house to the toilet and undressing herself, feeding herself. However in reality somebody who needs that level of help getting out of bed: YES, they are going to be at big risk of falls and YES, they are going to need help going to bed. Her bedtime is almost exactly at the time the OP wants him to take the trip, so yes, an exceptionally early bedtime before that probably would mean she had to sit in her own waste for a longer period. Because if she needs help to get out of bed in the morning she's not going to suddenly gain the ability to start nipping back and forth to the loo is she?

We don't know if the lodger is available and even if they are it would be totally inappropriate for a lodger to give personal care. And as for the nonsense about sons not providing personal care, anybody with the vaguest knowledge of the state of social care services at the moment would tell you many do, as they have no bloody choice!

Bill you are making assumptions. I can tell you for a fact that the things you are saying are not true of all people who have care packages in place because I have a relative who does not fit your description. Unless you know better about my family too?

And as for the nonsense about sons not providing personal care, anybody with the vaguest knowledge of the state of social care services at the moment would tell you many do, as they have no bloody choice!

Which is why I was careful to say "in my experience" and didn't just make a sweeping generalisation as if it were fact, which is what you seem to be doing. I'm sure many sons do. The ones I know do not. I'm simply acknowledging that there are a great variety of different scenarios for a great variety of families up and down the country. Not just the single one you are presenting.

I think that if he was unable to leave his mother because he needed to help get her into bed at the pickup time, he would have said so.
OP could perhaps ask him if this is the issue and suggest waiting an hour or so for him to collect the children if that is more convenient. She could also offer financial compensation.
My guess though is that he just doesn't want to facilitate OP's holiday or boyfriend visits because he's jealous. He perhaps doesn't remember what he was like when drinking and blames everything that has gone wrong in his life on OP (if he is anything like my late alcoholic MIL).

Bill did op say it was the same time as the mothers bedtime? I thought she said it would be when she's in bed.

The OP said the DM goes to bed at 9pm. She wants the children collecting at 8pm and it's at least a 3 hour round trip so yes, right at her bedtime.

bluebird, whatever. Someone who can't get out of bed, wash and dress themselves is going to be at risk of falls.

The op did say the lodger is available and appropreate

Ex can and does leave the lodger to help her get to bed when he wants to go out, so it's not the reason. He is not hard up and could pay for more care in order to spend more time with his DC if he chooses to.
My dad needs help with getting dressed and meal preparation; she has the money to pay for carers to up their visits if she comes over to see the DC in a play or whatever, she also goes on holiday.
This is really not the issue. I promise. I am very fond of the old gal and wouldn't want to do anything to put her at risk or discomfort. All care needs are different, no situation is risk-free; he was a drunk carer for 4 years; How safe was that?

singy my bf is not coming over that weekend. I love going to his as I am completely pampered. I don't get many opportunities. At home I will just start doing jobs. The choice is between going that night or going on the Sunday. Besides there's a band on!

Sorry I was talking about my mum wrt my dad and going away.

bluebird, whatever

Really? "Whatever"? 😂