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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking my exdh to collect our children from the airport after I have taken them on holiday?

214 replies

LieInsAreExtinct · 27/03/2017 19:52

Background: We split nearly 6 years ago because of his drinking, and have just finalized divorce. Since then I have provided the vast majority of childcare for our 2 DC, now 12 and 17. In the last year or so he has been sober and able to have our younger a one overnight and I the odd week in school hold which had been a huge improvement although it causes friction sometimes. Our DD is not keen on going to stay, mainly as she doesn't have her own room there, but I feel she should spend 4 or 5 weekends a year (seeing her grandma too)
He gives me a modest amount per month for their upkeep and has signed over most of our family home to me, with an affordable mortgage. He owns other property, doesn't work, lives with and cares for his elderly mum. He is not hard up and could work if he wanted to. What he pays me covers his share of the dc basic living costs, but certainly doesn't cover the cost of taking them on holiday. I have taken them away for a week or two each year, sometimes cheap and cheerful, sometimes splashing out a bit on skiing or an all-inclusive resort. I work full-time and also accommodate students for extra income, so work bloody hard. My job is a low-as-you-can go management job in the NHS.
Here's the beef: I asked him if he would ease collect the children from the airport when we get back from France at Easter. We land about 8 pm and I am planning to go to see my boyfriend for 3 nights before I go back to work on the Tuesday. This will mean about 40 minutes extra each way for him, compared to collecting them from our home next day (which is Easter Sunday, when I think would be nice for them to see their gm instead of her being abandoned for hours). He thinks this is an unreasonable request. I think it is the least he can do to contribute something to facilitating the DC's holiday, and he is just being petty and jealous. It will cost us another £40 or so to get home, and I wouldn't be able to get going until mid-morning next day. Ok do I will enjoy the holiday, but it will also involve stress and all the delights of siblings bickering in close quarters for a week, on top of the expense. I only ever get to really relax when being pampered by my partner (coming up for 3 years, only see each other 'most' weekends and have not had more than 4 nights away as a holiday).

OP posts:
Universitychallenging · 27/03/2017 20:21

but you're not. You have an obligation to take your kids home! That's your responsibility

NewPuppyMum · 27/03/2017 20:21

If you don't want to go on holiday with your kids, are assume it will be stressful, don't bother.

Original poster
LieInsAreExtinct · 27/03/2017 20:24

There seems to be some confusion...I am not planning to go home and the DC are notgoing home, they are going to their dad/grandma. They live an hour and a half away. If we all travel home that night I will have to pay for our journey home by National Express, then my journey to my bf's the next day, when their dad has collected them. I have not yet left them together overnight: DD is a great babysitter for anyone but her brother!

OP posts:
228agreenend · 27/03/2017 20:24

I don't think it's his responsibility to pick them up from the airport either. Can you meet half way?

You sound like you are prioritising your bf over your kids.

Universitychallenging · 27/03/2017 20:25

It's not his responsibility to collect them.

You should have thought this through better.

Natsku · 27/03/2017 20:26

While I agree it would be nice of him to help you out in this way its not really fair to expect him to do so and honestly your children should be able to manage to make their own way as the oldest is 17 - either to home or to his. Surely its not impossible public transport-wise? Is there no transport at all after 8pm?

amberdillyduck · 27/03/2017 20:26

Why cant they go by national express on there own? You put them on the coach and then go off to do your own thing.

One is 17!

PennyPickle · 27/03/2017 20:26

Is there a reason why you cant take yourself and the kids home, send the children to their dad/GM and have you boyfriend visit you? I can see your point to a certain extent, although I'm not sure any ex would be happy to accommodate you seeing a new partner. Was it already planned that the children's father would be having them that weekend?

Natsku · 27/03/2017 20:27

So they can get home by National Express then? Then easy, send them home on the coach, 17 year old looks after 12 year old for the night and dad picks them up the next day. If dad has a problem with them being alone for the night then its on him to pick them up earlier.

Universitychallenging · 27/03/2017 20:27

If you can pay to go home by national express why can't they go to near their dad by national express ?

Original poster
LieInsAreExtinct · 27/03/2017 20:27

Of course holidays with children are stressful, who would pretend otherwise? I think the fun for them and me just about makes it worthwhile, but I think that is almost beside the point. We may have a fantastic time all day every day, or it may all go horribly wrong. I don't think that should make any difference.

OP posts:
HerOtherHalf · 27/03/2017 20:27

I can't get my hesd round why you've provided so much completely irrelevant supplemental information. I wonder if deep down you know YABU and are just using a shotgun approach, firing off everything you think swings it in your favour. It doesn't, because no matter how you paint it, it boils down to should your ex be obliged to collect the kids purely to make it easier for you to see your bf.

I could always leave the DC with him for a week while I go away with my bf... That would be quite a standard thing for divorced parents wouldn't it? My DD would not like it though.

That's the spirit, everybody just loves a martyr.

Universitychallenging · 27/03/2017 20:28

They're 12 and 17 not 2 and 7

Rossigigi · 27/03/2017 20:29

Stop being a bloody martyr

Original poster
LieInsAreExtinct · 27/03/2017 20:29

University there is a coach to where we live at that time but not to anywhere near where exdh lives. Have researched it all - was my first thought and I was surprised to learn it wouldn't work. That is when I asked him.

OP posts:
SookiesSocks · 27/03/2017 20:29

You should have thought about this before you booked.
Sorry but I agree with pp.
YOU are taking them on holiday it has nothing to do with your ex.
You should have thought about getting them home.

End of the day there should be give and take with parenting but clearly your relationship with the ex is not like that.

I am afraid it is your responsibility to get the children home and spend 2 instead 3 days with your bf.
Its shit but you have no option and getting strangers on the internet to say ex is BU wont change that.

Universitychallenging · 27/03/2017 20:30

If it's that shit taking them on holiday why would you waste the money? Since £40 home means so much to you.

Honestly you're being unfair to your ex.

Wait4nothing · 27/03/2017 20:31

YANBU to ask but he's nbu to say no. Surely a compromise would be the kids get the train home and he picks them up when they get home (no extra travel on his part)

Universitychallenging · 27/03/2017 20:31

Then you go home with them. Or send them home in their own. The eldest is 17! And arrange their dad to get them from your house as usually arranged.

Sirzy · 27/03/2017 20:34

So you want your ex to go out of his way so you don't have to basically?

ComputerUserNumptyTwit · 27/03/2017 20:34

There seems to have been an awful lot of posts on MN of late having a go at women who expect or ask their exes to be reasonable or to do them a favour, and indeed an entire thread started by someone who thinks single mothers should remain chaste until the children are about 30 (to be fair, the responses were a unanimous 'YABU').

Anyway, YANBU to ask, but he ain't going to agree is he. Some people are just arses (which is why we leave them Wink ).

KellyBoo800 · 27/03/2017 20:35

Majority of posters have said YABU - you're clearly not prepared to listen to them so why did you ask?

For what it's worth, DH probably would do this for his ex if she asked him nicely and said it would be doing her a massive favour, and vice versa. Which is what it is - a favour. You seem to think your ex has a responsibility to get your children home when you have decided to take them away on a holiday?

(And it's irrelevant that he hasn't contributed to the cost. You chose to take them away not him. Would you pay him to take them on holiday?!)

Original poster
LieInsAreExtinct · 27/03/2017 20:36

Herotherhalf I think if he had contributed more over the years it would be a bit different. I didn't want one of those dripfeed posts... I thought I had summarised the situation quite well!
I am not being a martyr at all by saying ex-couples commonly take care of their children while their ex-oh goes on holiday with their new partner...It had even been heard of that they all get on and cooperate!

OP posts:
HermioneJeanGranger · 27/03/2017 20:36

If there's a coach to where you live, I don't understand why you can't see them onto the coach and then go to your boyfriend's from the airport?

Your oldest is 17 - she can look after her brother for one night! No need to play the martyr - they're perfectly capable.

ComputerUserNumptyTwit · 27/03/2017 20:39

Lots of exes get on (even if through gritted teeth) and cooperate, op. It's called not being a dick.