Asking my exdh to collect our children from the airport after I have taken them on holiday?

[LieInsAreExtinct]

Background: We split nearly 6 years ago because of his drinking, and have just finalized divorce. Since then I have provided the vast majority of childcare for our 2 DC, now 12 and 17. In the last year or so he has been sober and able to have our younger a one overnight and I the odd week in school hold which had been a huge improvement although it causes friction sometimes. Our DD is not keen on going to stay, mainly as she doesn't have her own room there, but I feel she should spend 4 or 5 weekends a year (seeing her grandma too)
He gives me a modest amount per month for their upkeep and has signed over most of our family home to me, with an affordable mortgage. He owns other property, doesn't work, lives with and cares for his elderly mum. He is not hard up and could work if he wanted to. What he pays me covers his share of the dc basic living costs, but certainly doesn't cover the cost of taking them on holiday. I have taken them away for a week or two each year, sometimes cheap and cheerful, sometimes splashing out a bit on skiing or an all-inclusive resort. I work full-time and also accommodate students for extra income, so work bloody hard. My job is a low-as-you-can go management job in the NHS.
Here's the beef: I asked him if he would ease collect the children from the airport when we get back from France at Easter. We land about 8 pm and I am planning to go to see my boyfriend for 3 nights before I go back to work on the Tuesday. This will mean about 40 minutes extra each way for him, compared to collecting them from our home next day (which is Easter Sunday, when I think would be nice for them to see their gm instead of her being abandoned for hours). He thinks this is an unreasonable request. I think it is the least he can do to contribute something to facilitating the DC's holiday, and he is just being petty and jealous. It will cost us another £40 or so to get home, and I wouldn't be able to get going until mid-morning next day. Ok do I will enjoy the holiday, but it will also involve stress and all the delights of siblings bickering in close quarters for a week, on top of the expense. I only ever get to really relax when being pampered by my partner (coming up for 3 years, only see each other 'most' weekends and have not had more than 4 nights away as a holiday).

YANBU. He sounds like he does the bare minimum and how the fuck would it hurt him to meet you at the airport? He sounds a selfish twat and all the posters telling you to send your kids home alone from the airport. Wow, like OP is going to do that - imagine how the kids would feel, thanks for the holiday mum, we'll just go back to a cold dark house at 10pm. Dad should come to the airport, end of.

I'm with you, halo. (And I'm not even a single mother).

Awful thread.

The point about time away with my bf was to make the point that I put holidays away with my children before holiday with my bf... That with my finite annual leave and income I can't really do both, and I have not asked ex to have the DC or pick them up often in 6 years. He and D's love spending time together, it's great that they can have regular contact again after a rough 5 years. DD has a fabulous social life and can put up with the obligation to spend time with her gm a few times a year ffs, it's not torture.
As for the joyful times, total pampering and amazing sex life with my bf, I am not going to apologise for loving that! He is very good for me and I have definitely been a better parent since finding love again.

I think most people accept that the OP has the right to some time off from the kids, but it really isn't just about who is forced to have them, as if they're an unpleasant duty. It matters that they don't feel as if they're being got rid of , surely, and being sent straight to dads from holiday is unlikely (from all the OP has said) to be what they'd like,band its v likely they're old enough to know why they're being sent there in such a hurry.
It isn't fair their dad hasn't done more, but sadly its more important for them to feel wanted, than for everything to work out ideally for either parent, IMO. As the main parent you often have to have less time than you'd like for yourself,and miss out on stuff (its happened to me many times). But if 'getting my fair share' means my kids can tell I'm rushing to get them out of the way, I'll always settle for less. Having a crap absent parent may mean filling in, and smoothing things, so the kids don't feel less wanted.

Kids can get that their mum or dad might want to spend time with a partner (or doing something for themselves more generally that doesn't involve them) without feeling unwanted.

Ohido... I can see your point but I also think there is something to be said for DC knowing the world doesn't revolve around them... They need to appreciate what they get and understand that sacrifices are made. Teens do tend to be a little self-centred and entitled. They know I love them and with any luck they will have had a fab holiday.

Strange replies... 3 years is hardly a new relationship.

A good Dad would be happy for an extra overnight. A crap one would enjoy the power of being owed a favour from their ex. An ex-alcoholic making amends would drive 40 minutes to pick up the kids so that they didn't have to do the long journey home one night and the journey to their dad's the next morning.

You're not unreasonable to ask you ex to rearrange things. If you paid him petrol money, would he collect? The very minimum that he should do is meet the coach from the city centre.

There's putting your children first and then there's being a martyr. Seriously. Kids will surely want to see their dad - mine can't wait after a holiday. They would happily have him pick them up from the airport.

The OP is hardly abandoning her children. She will have just taken them on holiday, ffs.

I think that s normal human would be flexible if they could because they never know when they need the flexibility favour back.

Fair enough , lieins

As low as you can go NHS management starts at £31k for the first year - did you want sympathy for that?

You can ask but he's likely to say no. Do you expect him to thank you for taking dc on holiday? I can't imagine many exes would do that. He sounds useless so why would he change now?

I don't think issue is that you are being a bad mother, that he is a dreadful father or that you're entitled/not entitled to time away. I think issue is very bad planning that has left this situation. How do you ever manage at work if you can't think ahead?
My eldest (24) went to Budapest today with her boyfriend. They booked transport to and from the airport, arranged to stay at his mothers as she's near Gatwick last night and booked transport to the hotel in Budapest. It's not rocket science, just simple forethought which I've always found more necessary with children in tow. Why did you wait until now to ask your ex? He's not going to be receptive if it's thrown at him as a fait accompli and he has no chance to offer alternative solutions.
I too think it's ridiculous to imagine a 17 and 12 year old can't manage to get themselves home by public transport. The 17 year old will be entering the adult world shortly, do you trust them so little? The UK is hardly a hotbed of crime and danger. Does your 17 year old never go clubbing with friends- much higher risk than going home on public transport.

Did you not account for transport home in your budget? Why is the cost now an issue?
I do feel for children who must be feeling like an inconvenience.

Dh would and has done this many times.
He knows that his ex as has much right to move on as he did, that he and I had way more lee way when booking holidays as a couple because his child was with his mum mon-Friday whereas, if dh only stuck to arranged contact, she'd be limited to term times if she wanted to take son, or only weekends when when their son is with us. That's massively unfair to her.

Dh did need notice so that he could put holidays in at work, especially for holiday times like Easter as time off is harder to get and work is busier, or organise childcare for his son if he couldn't get time off, after school clubs here have waiting lists, so ex would always check before booking her holiday, she knows dh will jump through hoops to make it so she can adult time with her boyfriend that's not limited to just weekends.

There's only been one time he couldn't do it and ex wasn't pissed off, she knew it was short notice and that dh would have tried everything he could to sort it before saying he can't.

I dont think YABU to ask him at all, if he can date and spend time with women wheneve he wants because you have his children the majority of the time, then it's not really a big ask to ask him to pick up his children one day early for his regular contact just one time for you to have the same freedom.

If he'd said you hadn't give him enough notice to sort someone out for his Mums care I could see his point and would say you should have asked when you booked, but I suspect he would decline no matter what. Yes it's a favour to you, but it's not like he loses out, he gains extra time with his children, his children gain extra time with their gran. To refuse that just to avoid doing you a favour is shit. And when you add in he's done fuck all for them for a long time, and you've done his share of parenting for him, the favour your asking is tiny in comparison to what you've done for him.

Motherof... thanks for that I will take it to the board...But you are wrong ad I manage a team of 7 at band 4, which is much less than that. I wasn't expecting 'sympathy' for my salary, just painting the picture; we are not hard up but I don't afford nice holidays without hard work and careful planning. I handle all of the homework tantrums, all the lifts after teen parties when I'm not hosting them, parents' evenings, school morning schedule etc. That's why I didn't think this was unreasonable. I also share all the lifts to and from the dad's normally so I spend a big chunk of the visit weekends picking DS up.

Yanbu. You sound like a great mum and you deserve some time with your boyfriend. It's really sad if your ex won't step up.

Kids will surely want to see their dad - mine can't wait after a holiday
But the OP specifically said at least one of the DCs were 'not keen' on going to him in her first post - so that's unlikely. I really sympathise with the OPs position, but she has said they don't much like going to his house, so its not quite this rosy a picture.

I do feel for children who must be feeling like an inconvenience

Why assume the OP has discussed this with her children? How would children who have just spent a holiday with one parent, had her undivided attention, feel like an inconvenience? If she go.ifayed with her boyfriend first, perhaps. But later? Give it a fucking rest.

Why did you wait until now to ask your ex?

Because the longer he has to think about it, the more likely he is to change his mind? Mine would agree 6 months in advance, confirm the week before and then have something better to do the night before. Experience has taught me that the reverse psychology of an 'emergency' where he thinks I owe him a favour has the most positive results.

You need to get hr to look at your banding as you cannot manage staff on band 4 so they are paying you wrong (I'm non management band 5). There are a couple of "management" roles at band 6 but usually managing a project or piece of work rather than people. Honestly, ask for a banding match where they have to look at comparable roles nationally. Complete side note.
My experience of df's with crappy exes is you can ask but can't rely. If he was lovely and reliable you'd probably still be with him. Have a lovely holiday and fingers crossed he has an epiphany and a desire to see his dc but if not it's time for a back up plan.

But the OP specifically said at least one of the DCs were 'not keen' on going to him in her first post - so that's unlikely. I really sympathise with the OPs position, but she has said they don't much like going to his house, so its not quite this rosy a picture

So....avoid time with him. If the father posted the ex won't let me have an extra night she would be slated for not facilitating the relationship.

Crumbs1 I manage fine thanks, though seriously underpaid... I asked him yesterday with 3 weeks' notice after discussing it with weeks before that and saying I would look at coaches going his way. It's not like we'll be stranded or I can't afford the journey, it's just annoying when he could help if he was willing. Someone mentioned 'making amends'...Yes a tiny bit of that would be nice!

He wasn't always a complete arse, Burt he could seriously look at the way he has treated me and the DC before, since becoming sober.
Admin, motherof...We are expected to line manage and recruit at band 4. I've been doing it for 9 years. Shocking eh?

What Xmasbaby11 said…

Wow, pm me where you work, that sounds very wrong. The point of banding is that it's even across the country no matter which Trust you work for the competencies and responsibilities make the banding decision rather than individuals. (Totally creating a different thread but if you can find a similar job at 2 other trusts on higher banding you'd have a real reason for band matching) xx

DD is not generally keen to go, but would definitely rather be picked up at the airport than travel twice, once with waiting around for a coach. She would also rather not get up in the morning, help me around the house, walk anywhere, etc etc. Does that mean she should have the say? DS would also prefer the arrangement. I had a chuckle at whoever it was being concerned for the lodger... They have an arrangement which suits him very well so don't worry about him, honestly.

My husband and I have gone beyond the norm on loads of occasions for things like this. And his ex has for us too. In a case where my DSS had been away for a week or two on holiday we'd have been glad to see him an extra night and catch up. However, on the flip side, there have been times when we weren't able to swop things round as we'd had other commitments (and where his ex has consequently thrown a paddy/guilt trip at us!).