Asking my exdh to collect our children from the airport after I have taken them on holiday?

[LieInsAreExtinct]

Background: We split nearly 6 years ago because of his drinking, and have just finalized divorce. Since then I have provided the vast majority of childcare for our 2 DC, now 12 and 17. In the last year or so he has been sober and able to have our younger a one overnight and I the odd week in school hold which had been a huge improvement although it causes friction sometimes. Our DD is not keen on going to stay, mainly as she doesn't have her own room there, but I feel she should spend 4 or 5 weekends a year (seeing her grandma too)
He gives me a modest amount per month for their upkeep and has signed over most of our family home to me, with an affordable mortgage. He owns other property, doesn't work, lives with and cares for his elderly mum. He is not hard up and could work if he wanted to. What he pays me covers his share of the dc basic living costs, but certainly doesn't cover the cost of taking them on holiday. I have taken them away for a week or two each year, sometimes cheap and cheerful, sometimes splashing out a bit on skiing or an all-inclusive resort. I work full-time and also accommodate students for extra income, so work bloody hard. My job is a low-as-you-can go management job in the NHS.
Here's the beef: I asked him if he would ease collect the children from the airport when we get back from France at Easter. We land about 8 pm and I am planning to go to see my boyfriend for 3 nights before I go back to work on the Tuesday. This will mean about 40 minutes extra each way for him, compared to collecting them from our home next day (which is Easter Sunday, when I think would be nice for them to see their gm instead of her being abandoned for hours). He thinks this is an unreasonable request. I think it is the least he can do to contribute something to facilitating the DC's holiday, and he is just being petty and jealous. It will cost us another £40 or so to get home, and I wouldn't be able to get going until mid-morning next day. Ok do I will enjoy the holiday, but it will also involve stress and all the delights of siblings bickering in close quarters for a week, on top of the expense. I only ever get to really relax when being pampered by my partner (coming up for 3 years, only see each other 'most' weekends and have not had more than 4 nights away as a holiday).

This thread has given me the rage to be honest.

Another depressing thread in which a woman is berated for daring to ask her ex to help out in some way and put his children first so she doesn't have to, just for once.

Exactly. And the level of abuse she got for actually having a boyfriend (the hussy) and actually wanting to prioritise herself just once (doesn't she know women are supposed to be martyrs - except, oh the irony, wasn't she also told to STOP being a martyr?)

And feeling sorry for the kids because neither parent wants them! Shame on whoever said that to a woman who has almost single-handedly reared her children, is taking them on holiday and simply wants their father to collect them from the airport - really shame on you.

I can guarantee that if a woman came on here saying that her ex had taken the kids on holidays and was coming back on the day she should have them and expected her to collect them from the airport as he was "off duty" she'd be told well that's the way it works and you have to get your ass out to the airport because it is your day.

The poster who said parents of children are basically strangers to each other and owe each other nothing was disgusting - nothing more or less.

OP, you are perfectly reasonable and if he were a halfway decent man he would help you out. But he isn't. Not surprising really. What is surprising is the number of posters on here who expect absolutely jack shit from a father and absolute immersion into the children from the mother.

Thanks motherof... I will think about it...My boss previously did the same job for 10 years at the same band (I was in a different post until last year but still managing people) so I don't rate my chances.
Ex doesn't have a gf but I wouldn't be jealous if he did...He has an enormous amount of time to himself, is not even very nice or 'caring' to his mum, does no voluntary work or anything for others... I think I will try to repair the row yesterday, tell him I am just asking not expecting (as I tried to do yesterday as he marched out) and of course it's not a really big deal if he can't/won't. It's only my time and money

Thanks Pallisers, I will go to bed (alone as usual with my heart warmed. I know it can be nasty around here but I am a tough cookie and count myself very lucky in most ways. Goodnight y'all!

100% what pallisers said!

I think this thread highlights the lack of understanding for carers tbh.

'Not got a job' 'plenty of time on his hands' being two of the gems.

*I think this thread highlights the lack of understanding for carers tbh.

'Not got a job' 'plenty of time on his hands' being two of the gems.*

No it doesn't. This man sees his children maybe 4-5 weekends A YEAR. Plenty of time to be a full time carer. He just doesn't want to shlep out to the airport to collect his kids because it would inconvenience him and let's face it - he and many posters on this thread are clear that the kids are their mother's responsibility.

And does being a carer for an elderly parent mean that you can abdicate responsibility for your own children? Really. my sister and I who managed elder care AND rearing our children are fascinated by this concept. As is my BIL who did the same.

By caring for his mum which is hard work emtionally, but does not take many hours in his day, barring appointments every so often, he is living for free in her house, with full access to her money to pay for groceries, utility bills, etc. He also gets attendance allowance. He has a decent income from rental property, comparable to my salary, and nothing to spend it on but his tech, car and the dc. He has a sad life which I don't envy at all, but really his children are and should be the highlight of it.
I don't disrespect carers, far from it, but he does this with bad grace too, and is not very kind to his mum a lot of the time. He has daily visiting carers to help in the morning with washing and dressing her, a weekly cleaner, and the lodger helps with gardening, washing up, and 'babysitting' exmil for a few hours at a time. So exdh really does have time on his hands; I am not making some assumption, I do actually have this information.
Tbf he does have our son more often now; every 2 or 3 weekends, sometimes just for a day visit, it's DD who doesn't see him or her GM much. She grew up (somewhat) and missed out during that time he was really incapable of the overnight stays. Her GM gets enormous pleasure from her visits as she does spend time with her reading poetry and plays which she loves and nobody else would do. But you tell me if would be better for him to spend most of Easter Sunday morning collecting the DC instead of while she is sleeping, because you know and I don't, piglet!

I don't think you're being unreasonable actually but I would never give my ex the opportunity to gleefully turn me down for such a favour. So yes, it wouldn't hurt him to help you out a bit but he doesn't want to so that's that.

Oh and agree there's been some real unnecessary unpleasantness and sneery judgments towards you on here OP, but that's just MN these days.

OP. Your ex is a selfish cock. My parents are divorced and, back in the dark ages, when i was young they often did airport pick ups and the such like.

You've done very well, coping with his alcoholism, raising your kids and managing a career. Hats off to you.

Completely agree with Pallisers. Wow, can't believe those piling in here having a go at op when she has clearly taken almost the entire financial and practical responsibility for the children for a number of years and was hoping for three days to herself. It's irrelevant whether some of you don't get time to yourself. It's whether its unreasonable for her selfish arse of an ex to for once put himself out when it's perfectly possible for him to do so. I suspect he can't find anyone himself (who would put up with him) so is refusing to enable you to have more time with your bf. It's just pure selfishness on his part. Op UADNBU.

Yep, I'm with Pallisers too.

It's been nice to see the sisterhood alive and well on this thread, though.

Thanks, I have appreciated the sisterhood. And some valid points about expectations. That other lot...Well, never mind them.

Does 'the sisterhood' just mean agreeing with your point of view? .

It seems so ragwort

I agree there have been some overly harsh responses to the op about the wider situation but I still think her ex is well within his rights to say no - just like she would if the boot was on your other foot

What an absolutely bizarre thread.

Yes the ex can say no but it makes him a bit of a cock TBH.

As for the OP getting piled on because she dared to have a boyfriend, I have no words. I can only think that the posters who are piling in are jealous of the OP or something.

I'm a parent granted I have sole care of my kids but if I shared care I would be appalled with myself if my ex didn't feel able to ask me to collect my own kids for my own contact at a different time to fit in with unusual holiday arangements with at least 3 weeks notice.
And I would feel like a shit parent if they didn't know they could rely on me doing so if logistically possible.

Decent parents are usually able to not have petty childish attitudes about intentionally not doing stuff for the kids just because it would also be helpful to the ex because they are able to focus on actual parenting instead.

No Ragwort I meant the people who can offer other opinions and advice without being plain nasty.

Does 'the sisterhood' just mean agreeing with your point of view? confused

I'm pretty sure it just means not handing men the ability to be very minimally involved dads because all child related stuff is women's work and that's totally ok whilst at the same time berating the mother for wanting a couple of days break and having a boyfriend because of course mothers should be held to far higher standards then fathers.

Lieins. Leaving all the rest aside. You think he's a dick. You say so. Clearly. So why would you ask a favour of someone you know is a sock and give him the control to say no and allow him to have righteous indignation?

Take from this that he won't do a favour and let it reinforce his dickhood.

whilst at the same time berating the mother for wanting a couple of days break and having a boyfriend because of course mothers should be held to far higher standards then fathers

logically bonkers, isn't it? because all these fathers are obviously having relationships with women, many of whom are mothers....shakes head

He's obviously quite jealous of the fact that you are going on holiday and have a partner and is doing this to get back at you. I suppose your life must seem good compared with his if you are going on holiday and have a partner. I don't think there is much you can do about it apart from not do him any favours in the future.

Oh you unreasonable person. Imagine asking their dad if he could pick them up a whole night earlier and a whole 500 hours further away...

JFC. When my DD's went away with their grandparents for a week I jumped at the chance to pick them up at their airport, even though it was a drive away. I wanted to see them and that little while of "we were just on a plane!" was lovely to see/be a part of.

Some of the comments on here about the OP and her boyfriend are a clear example of how some people will judge a single mother even when she's a hard working person who is a single mother through no fault of her own.

The reasons why are irrelevant. If he could do it then yes he should do it. But I think you're being totally disingenuous about his caring responsibilities OP. You've said she is infirm enough to have carers in to help with dressing and washing in the morning. You've also said that the visit falls across her bedtime. She's not going to somehow magic up capabilities during the day, if she needs help getting up she will need help going to bed too. And it really wouldn't be appropriate for a lodger to help wash and undress her. This isn't really about him or what he owes you or what he's done. It's about her. And I think he's right to put her first.