Asking my exdh to collect our children from the airport after I have taken them on holiday?

[LieInsAreExtinct]

Background: We split nearly 6 years ago because of his drinking, and have just finalized divorce. Since then I have provided the vast majority of childcare for our 2 DC, now 12 and 17. In the last year or so he has been sober and able to have our younger a one overnight and I the odd week in school hold which had been a huge improvement although it causes friction sometimes. Our DD is not keen on going to stay, mainly as she doesn't have her own room there, but I feel she should spend 4 or 5 weekends a year (seeing her grandma too)
He gives me a modest amount per month for their upkeep and has signed over most of our family home to me, with an affordable mortgage. He owns other property, doesn't work, lives with and cares for his elderly mum. He is not hard up and could work if he wanted to. What he pays me covers his share of the dc basic living costs, but certainly doesn't cover the cost of taking them on holiday. I have taken them away for a week or two each year, sometimes cheap and cheerful, sometimes splashing out a bit on skiing or an all-inclusive resort. I work full-time and also accommodate students for extra income, so work bloody hard. My job is a low-as-you-can go management job in the NHS.
Here's the beef: I asked him if he would ease collect the children from the airport when we get back from France at Easter. We land about 8 pm and I am planning to go to see my boyfriend for 3 nights before I go back to work on the Tuesday. This will mean about 40 minutes extra each way for him, compared to collecting them from our home next day (which is Easter Sunday, when I think would be nice for them to see their gm instead of her being abandoned for hours). He thinks this is an unreasonable request. I think it is the least he can do to contribute something to facilitating the DC's holiday, and he is just being petty and jealous. It will cost us another £40 or so to get home, and I wouldn't be able to get going until mid-morning next day. Ok do I will enjoy the holiday, but it will also involve stress and all the delights of siblings bickering in close quarters for a week, on top of the expense. I only ever get to really relax when being pampered by my partner (coming up for 3 years, only see each other 'most' weekends and have not had more than 4 nights away as a holiday).

He shouldn't be picking up your kids so you can have a dirty night with your bf. He's not your friend. He's not your family. He has no obligation to you personally. He's the father of your children and if the purpose of the extension has nothing to do with them then he shouldn't have to help you out. But then again if the OP was a decent mum she wouldn't be trying to get rid of her kids for a night of nookie with a casual partner!

Yeah, a 12yo with their practically adult sibling. If they can't manage a coach and a taxi at their ages, I'd be pretty worried.

A 12yo alone would be one thing, but they should be fine with a 17yo for company.

Anyone else feel bitterly sorry for the children - neither of their parents seem to be particularly caring about them; it sounds as the OP can't wait to see her BF

Rubbish. Their mother has worked hard to take them on holiday and is now trying to arrange things so that, rather than having a 'dead' night, they get to their Dad's a day early so she can squeeze in an extra day/night with her bf. Sounds like a busy, working mother trying to juggle everything and maximise the enjoyment she can get out of the limited leisure time she has. What a bitch .

Fucking hell lingotria. It's 2017. Women are allowed to have sex you know! How do you know that OP's boyfriend is a casual partner? And even if he is, what does that have to do with anything? People with children are still entitled to a romantic life. You may disagree with her childcare arrangements but you have no right to judge her for having a relationship or having a sex life.

No Natsuko but if they come home to a flooded kitchen or there's been a break in or something (unlikely, but these things do sometimes greet people when they return from their hols) it would be easier to deal with at midday than at 2300.

I have a possibly irrational slight anxiety about what I'm going to come home to when I've been away, granted

imo yanbu but he is, problem is there's nothing you can do about it except comunicate better.
Ask him again, say you will go halves on petrol, apologise for him having to go that extra way but explain that its what you need that day.

Where the fuck does he live? The Bermuda triangle?

Presumably if he is caring for his mother then bedtime will be his busiest time with washing/toilet/medication/getting to bed. YABU. It's not his fault you can't get going in the morning. His Mum really does have to take priority here. I don't know why you expect him to get a job when he is a carer either.

From the DCs POV I think after a week or so away I'd like a chance to go to my own home, pick up a change of non-holiday clothes and have a night in my own bed before going to a visit a parent I don't particularly care to spend time with
^this.
I know you're keen to see your bf, but you do seem to be parcelling them off to their dads hastily, I bet they won't be keen at the end of a week away to be dispatched so sharply. Are you packing a second bag of clothes for each to hand over with them, if he does pick them up at the airport, or will they be waiting for it all to wash and dry at his house before they have clothes? Would it be so awful to go home with them and have a night there, then set out in the morning to see the bf?

it sounds as the OP can't wait to see her BF

Given she's done pretty much all the parenting for years I wouldn't blame her.

Presumably if he is caring for his mother then bedtime will be his busiest time with washing/toilet/medication/getting to bed

Exactly.

Ok so my dd has special needs apparently because I don't want her to have responsibility for her DB late at night.
I am a terrible parent because after 3 years out of my marriage I have a bf I see when I can, when I am not working or the DC don't need me 100%.
My ex-MIL doesn't need full time care, as I said before ex dh has chosen not to work and lives for free with his mum.
He wouldn't want them to be left overnight and they wouldn't like it either. I have left DD alone but not with DS as they fight. Perhaps having an alcoholic dad who left them at 6 and 11 might have made them a little bit less mature, who knows, but I wouldn't do it at the moment.
If I took them away for longer they would not be able to change clothes etc so I don't think that is relevant...We will take a bit extra and they can have a bath and wash clothes at GM's...

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder

I agree with some PPs in so much as you are basically asking your ex to do you a favour. He isn't legally obliged to contribute towards holidays that you take the children on. Nor is he legally obliged to facilitate travel to/from those holidays. HOWEVER. This man has largely left the care and upbringing of his children to you for years on end whilst he had his face stuck in a pint glass (or whatever his poison of choice) and had rendered himself unable to fulfill his obligations and responsibilities as a parent. So no, I don't think you are unreasonable to ask this one favour of him. And he is being a monumental prick if he can't take this opportunity to do something to make your life just a little bit easier after years of making it hard and leaving you to pick up his slack
This. Some posters here are being very fucking judgemental and sanctimonious I think

Bill depends on how much care she needs. My DP's mum needs him to be around often and he is a carer of sorts (she lives with him), but she is more than capable of looking after her own personal hygiene etc.

My ex-MIL doesn't need full time care. But she needs some care. And presumably the majority of that will be around peak times like getting up and going to bed.

Well why did you ask if you were so sure you weren't bu?

I wouldn't ask my ex and I wouldn't do it for him unless he was really in a bind and apologised and came across like he appreciated I was doing him a favour.

You don't. You are coming across like you expect him to and I must be honest if my ex came across to ke like that I would dog my heels in and no way would I be doing it.

No piglet and others you are not an expert on my exMIL's needs... They have a lodger who regularly helps out if ex is out or away overnight. I think would be worse for her to be left during the day as she gets lonely and needs help with food. As I said earlier it is the best arrangement for everyone concerned except him.

The OP is allowed to have a sex life, you know

Lingotria, congratulations. One of the nastiest, most pathetic posts I've ever seen on MN.

YANBU. Totally agree with you OP. I'm a single parent and also, shock horror, have a boyfriend. Juggling the times when we're both child-free is tricky so I would totally ask my DC's dad for a favour like this if it meant the DC were still happily looked after and I got an extra night with BF. And generally, if it fits in with his plans, my ex will happily swap things around, as I am happy to swap around contact arrangements to suit him if necessary. It's called co-parenting and I don't see why the OP is getting a hard time!

However if he doesn't want to you can't make him, unfortunately. I would just take the DC home and leave it at that, no point in causing bad feeling or stress at the end of your holiday.

You can ask him by all means but he doesn't have to agree to it 40mins is quite far and if there's delays. To me part of coming home from holiday is going home together and getting back to home comforts. He has no real relevance to your holiday plans that's completely seperate to you.

Well why did you ask if you were so sure you weren't bu?

Because op wanted to vent, rant a little and maybe double check that she isn't BU?

Had any of the arguments (bar the one re ex-MIL's care) been rational rather than sanctimonious, judgmental bollocks apparently absolving the father of parental responsibility and general not-being-a-dickness, you might have a point. But you don't - you just want to be unpleasant.

Jesus some of the posts on here are unbelievable. Did some posters miss the but where the OP has raised the children with no overnights from the ex for years? Yes how very dare she now get to have a life (and a sex life!!!!) and ask the other parent to step up FOR ONE NIGHT. If I read it right the OP has been doing it alone for 6 years. That's 6 x365 nights. Reckon she's due maybe one extra off?

Fucking hell. There's internalised misogyny and then there's Lingotria. Gobsmacked!

Well, if he didn't mind driving over to yours the next day to collect them, can he collect them from the city centre at 10pm when they get off the coach? Or is it that he can't do that time in the evening?

I would also be concerned that a 17 yo is incapable of getting a cab back with her brother and unlocking a house. You're not doing her any favours by treating her like a kid. She may well be living independently next year.

Is another option that you go home with them and then drive over to your boyfriend's that night, leaving them alone overnight? Or go to your bf's early tomorrow morning, leaving the kids to be collected later in the day.