Asking my exdh to collect our children from the airport after I have taken them on holiday?

[LieInsAreExtinct]

Background: We split nearly 6 years ago because of his drinking, and have just finalized divorce. Since then I have provided the vast majority of childcare for our 2 DC, now 12 and 17. In the last year or so he has been sober and able to have our younger a one overnight and I the odd week in school hold which had been a huge improvement although it causes friction sometimes. Our DD is not keen on going to stay, mainly as she doesn't have her own room there, but I feel she should spend 4 or 5 weekends a year (seeing her grandma too)
He gives me a modest amount per month for their upkeep and has signed over most of our family home to me, with an affordable mortgage. He owns other property, doesn't work, lives with and cares for his elderly mum. He is not hard up and could work if he wanted to. What he pays me covers his share of the dc basic living costs, but certainly doesn't cover the cost of taking them on holiday. I have taken them away for a week or two each year, sometimes cheap and cheerful, sometimes splashing out a bit on skiing or an all-inclusive resort. I work full-time and also accommodate students for extra income, so work bloody hard. My job is a low-as-you-can go management job in the NHS.
Here's the beef: I asked him if he would ease collect the children from the airport when we get back from France at Easter. We land about 8 pm and I am planning to go to see my boyfriend for 3 nights before I go back to work on the Tuesday. This will mean about 40 minutes extra each way for him, compared to collecting them from our home next day (which is Easter Sunday, when I think would be nice for them to see their gm instead of her being abandoned for hours). He thinks this is an unreasonable request. I think it is the least he can do to contribute something to facilitating the DC's holiday, and he is just being petty and jealous. It will cost us another £40 or so to get home, and I wouldn't be able to get going until mid-morning next day. Ok do I will enjoy the holiday, but it will also involve stress and all the delights of siblings bickering in close quarters for a week, on top of the expense. I only ever get to really relax when being pampered by my partner (coming up for 3 years, only see each other 'most' weekends and have not had more than 4 nights away as a holiday).

So book a holiday and go away with your boyfriend and leave the kids with your ex.

What you can't do is expect him to enable your holiday. That's just ridiculous.

And actually how is it more reasonable to ask a 17yo to babysit their kid brother than it is to ask that brother's actual father? I get that some 17yos would be absolutely fine with it, and I don't think it's unreasonable, but how is it more reasonable than asking their father?

There is no train, no coach, no way to get them anywhere safely home or to ex's without me on that night. I think he probably will do it, with plenty of bitterness, but if not we can get coach and taxi home. I have never said it was 'shit' taking the DC on holiday, just said it Is not stress-free. I know I am lucky to be able to, so posters with that attitude are clearly just out to be nasty. (To be expected in AIBU I know)

Surely if they could get home with you on public transport then they can get home without you on public transport st that age?

But if all three of you can get home together, why can't they do it on their own?

17yos are quite capable of booking taxis and unlocking front doors

University I have already said my DD would hate spending more than a couple of nights at her dad's, are you being deliberately obtuse? Otherwise of course I would, but I would still like to take the DC away, or they wouldn't get a holiday at all. I would feel very guilty... Don't think their dad would!

At 17, surely the elder child is competent to supervise the younger on public transport, even with changes. I went overseas unsupervised at 15 FFS. Sorry MN, I tend to think we infantilize. Most teenagers, part from SN, should be capable of travelling alone from 13 or 14.

Part of holiday planning as a grown up is how to get there and back.

You CHOSE to book this holiday. Stop being a martyr about how awful it is. You chose to do it, nobody forced you.

Your holiday, your responsibility to get the DC home afterwards.

Yanbu to ask your ex for a favour but it's not his responsibility it's yours. HINBU to refuse to facilitate you seeing your new partner

Ultimately it is your responsibility to get your children home. If he were a more flexible person, we wouldn't be reading this because he would have agreed to your request. Don't you see by telling us how he's not contributed much, had very little input into your children lives, you are portraying him as someone, who'd be very unlikely to agree to this request? It's no point getting exasperated. Accept how he is. That's part of the reason why he's your ex.

No, it's an absolute no to sending them home alone. It would be 10pm when they arrive in the city centre and we live outside the city. My DD really isn't that capable- no way I could relax and feel safe. Thanks for the suggestions though,

Another depressing thread in which a woman is berated for daring to ask her ex to help out in some way and put his children first so she doesn't have to, just for once.

OP, I can see why you included all the details you did and agree with you that his limited contributions to parenting to date do have relevance here. Of course he doesn't have to do it and you can't expect it, but it's hardly asking the earth and I also agree that it's a better option than driving around on Easter Sunday.

You asking him to do this is not the same as someone whose ex does the majority, or even half, the parenting expecting their ex to facilitate their holiday. Nothing like it whatsoever.

FFS, they have been split for 6 years and it is only in the last year he is able to have them overnight - yes, he has done well to get sober, but if I was in his position I would feel guilty about the 5 years I never had my dc overnight and keen to make it up to them and their other parent. for you OP.

They're going home. In a coach. And taxi up the road. At 17. That shouldn't be an issue.

You're being deliberately unfair to your ex. And covering up the fact you want an extra night with your boyfriend in a load of ex should do this. But there's no way I'd do this for my ex. And it is for you. So you can get an extra night with your boyfriend.

It isn't to facilitate the dc tho it's to facilitate you seeing your bf!!

^ this

Oh and if he is his mothers carer then he is working.

Anyone else feel bitterly sorry for the children - neither of their parents seem to be particularly caring about them; it sounds as the OP can't wait to see her BF and their dad can't be arsed to collect them.

my BF is not able to pick us/me up - the BF doesn't sound very kind either, why can't he pick you up OP?.

If she can't cope with that at 17, I would be pretty concerned, tbh.

Another depressing thread in which a woman is berated for daring to ask her ex to help out in some way and put his children first so she doesn't have to, just for once.

^ this. With bells on.

From the DCs POV I think after a week or so away I'd like a chance to go to my own home, pick up a change of non-holiday clothes and have a night in my own bed before going to a visit a parent I don't particularly care to spend time with. Yes it's inconvenient, but after the holiday you're going to spend at least two days having a great time with your new fella, whereas they're going to spend time with their alcoholic manchild dad and his elderly mother. I certainly feel sympathy for some players in this scenario but it's not you, OP!

If the agreement was he'd have them from the next day then fair enough if he wants to stick to that- maybe he has his own plans for that night, eh?

If your 17 year old DD is not capable of getting a taxi home from the city centre at 10pm then something has surely gone wrong in her upbringing! She'll be 18 soon enough and possibly off to Uni - you need to get a move on with teaching her to be independent otherwise its going to be a very tough time for her.

What everyone else says. There 17 and 12. It would be nice if he offered but he doesnt have to. Getting home from the holiday something you think of before booking. Your 17 year old should be able to get home looking after 12 year old. If that worried taxi and think of it as a holiday cost or go back with them and see bf later. Yabu in this situation.

17 and 12

I would feel uncomfortable about sending them back alone to a house that had been unoccupied for a week or more, especially fairly late in the evening.

It's not ASKING that's the problem it's EXPECTING that's the issue.

The op is the one wanting the arrangement changing, and she wants it changing to suit her not the children. If he had been willing/able then great but it shouldn't be expected.

Why Computer? Things don't suddenly go wrong or become dangerous just because its late in the evening.

I agree with some PPs in so much as you are basically asking your ex to do you a favour. He isn't legally obliged to contribute towards holidays that you take the children on. Nor is he legally obliged to facilitate travel to/from those holidays. HOWEVER. This man has largely left the care and upbringing of his children to you for years on end whilst he had his face stuck in a pint glass (or whatever his poison of choice) and had rendered himself unable to fulfill his obligations and responsibilities as a parent. So no, I don't think you are unreasonable to ask this one favour of him. And he is being a monumental prick if he can't take this opportunity to do something to make your life just a little bit easier after years of making it hard and leaving you to pick up his slack.

What sirzy said.

It's not for the kids it's to suit the op getting an extra night of sex with her boyfriend

Ragwort..i know poor children.