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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unwanted advances from Dh - am I being over sensitive?

164 replies

Honeyandchamomile · 27/03/2017 12:47

I have nc for this post, but am a frequent poster. I'm also prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable about this, as I probably am I'm just upset.

Last night as I was getting into bed, Dh pulled me in for a nice hug. He then started trying to get intimate, but for a few reasons I said no. But he still continued to keep pulling my pyjama bottoms down and kept trying. I kept pulling them back up but he wouldn't let me. He kept trying to kiss me and continue, but I kept saying no. At first I was quite lighthearted about it, but each time I said no I kept getting more serious about it as I didn't like that he wasn't listening to me. He then pinned me down and kept trying to touch me, and I had to keep moving away. This continued for several minutes (I had said no at least 15 times), until I pulled myself away and very sternly told him to stop.

He was then grumpy with me and said he wouldn't try initiating anything again as I'd turned him down. I should mention that we generally have a happy relationship, and a pretty good sex life. I just had a few reasons I didn't want to then, but felt he wasn't respecting my wishes.

Aibu to feel upset about this? I know he did stop in the end, but I didn't like that he just wasn't listening to me.

OP posts:
ThePiglet59 · 27/03/2017 12:49

There's a difference between initiating sex and attempted rape.
He was over the line there I think.

isupposeitsverynice · 27/03/2017 12:50

No you're not being unreasonable. I have had sort of similar with my dh - he thought he was being playful and fun. I said it put him on the spectrum of rapists to ignore me if I said to stop doing something. Now he stops when I ask.

Original poster
Honeyandchamomile · 27/03/2017 12:51

Thank you for your replies, I genuinely didn't know if I was being unreasonable as he is my husband. I just started feeling a little afraid and I didn't like it.

OP posts:
FittonTower · 27/03/2017 12:55

That's really really not ok. You don't owe him sex and he isn't in anyway entitled to it.
I can understand that being turned down is uncomfortable for him but had he taken your first "no" as your answer, as any reasonable man would, then it wouldn't have been awkward.

StewieGMum · 27/03/2017 13:00

It's sexual assault. You said no and he ignored you. He doesn't get to sulk about this. He crossed a line, frightened you and then blamed you. Good men do t do this.

Original poster
Honeyandchamomile · 27/03/2017 13:04

Is it really sexual assault? I'm confused as he's my husband. It's very rarely I ever turn him down, I wasn't sure if he was just trying to be playful.

OP posts:
Ezzie29 · 27/03/2017 13:06

It doesn't matter what the connection is, he is a man who ignored you when you said no.

Ezzie29 · 27/03/2017 13:07

I'm not saying that makes him a bad man or whatever, I don't know him and you say you are generally happy, but I just mean that him being your husband doesn't mean the line to cross is further away, no still means no.

DragonFire99 · 27/03/2017 13:08

This might be helpful: www.mamamia.com.au/consent-cup-of-tea-analogy/

Shoxfordian · 27/03/2017 13:10

If you said no then he shld have respected that the first time you said it and stopped immediately. He's ignoring your boundaries and it's bordering on rape. Seriously unacceptable.

ThePiglet59 · 27/03/2017 13:13

I know that it's difficult when you're in a long term committed relationship, but trust me, as a man, we know that 'no means no'.
He was being an inconsiderate twat at the very least.
Normal blokes don't do this.

Original poster
Honeyandchamomile · 27/03/2017 13:13

Thank you for sharing the video link.

OP posts:
VacantExpression · 27/03/2017 13:13

YABU to think for a minute that saying no 15 times and forcibly pulling clothes off can ever be "playful". I would be very upset too OP.

isupposeitsverynice · 27/03/2017 13:14

Yeah it really is. Shocking isn't it? Sorry, this is difficult for you I know. Can you have a conversation where you explain it to him in these terms of consent and assault? His reaction I think would tell you everything you need to know - if he is mortified and apologetic then maybe he's alright but made a big fuck up, but if he gets angry or defensive then I'd be very concerned.

Original poster
Honeyandchamomile · 27/03/2017 13:15

Thanks so much for your replies everyone, as I didn't really want to speak to anyone about this in real life. Should I speak to him about it when he gets home from work? If so, what do I say? He genuinely didn't seem to think he was in the wrong last night.

OP posts:
attheendoftheday · 27/03/2017 13:16

I think he sexually assaulted you.

Original poster
Honeyandchamomile · 27/03/2017 13:16

The thing is, without outing his job he deals with things like consent in his job all the time. It's like he couldn't see it when it was him though. Or perhaps, as he sees much worse he didn't think it was that bad. I don't know.

OP posts:
Honeybee79 · 27/03/2017 13:17

Yanbu. He was totally out of line.

BeaderBird · 27/03/2017 13:18

He was assaulting you the moment you said no and he carried on touching you. You pulling up your bottoms and him pulling them down again is vile.

attheendoftheday · 27/03/2017 13:18

I would be asking to have a serious conversation (with a counsellor if you don't think he'll take it seriously) to let him know that you will not stand for it.

I'm not generally an ultimatum sort of person, but I think I'd be clear I'd leave him if it happened again. Him respecting your rights over your own body is very important!

Original poster
Honeyandchamomile · 27/03/2017 13:18

Oh yes - to clarify I never thought he was being playful, I was just wondering if maybe he thought he was being playful.

OP posts:
shovetheholly · 27/03/2017 13:20

I am sure he did think he was being playful, but the fact of the matter is that he didn't listen to you repeatedly saying "no". It sounds like the difference between understanding consent in theory, and really understanding what it means practically. He's over the line, and there's no question about that.

Are there other instances where he's just not 'hearing' you?

DJBaggySmalls · 27/03/2017 13:21

You are not being unreasonable or overly sensitive. He ignored you when you said 'no' and then acted in a hostile way, withdrawing approval.
Now he is acting like it was nothing.

Before you talk to him about it, please consider talking to Womens Aid for some advice.

ThePiglet59 · 27/03/2017 13:23

Perhaps he thought it was a game?
Without wishing to pry into your sex life. If you usually play rough and use these types of games then perhaps he didn't realise.
I'm thinking that he was just being a spoiled, horny twat though.

Original poster
Honeyandchamomile · 27/03/2017 13:23

To be honest (although we are generally very happy) I have recently noticed some issues with control in our relationship, and maybe emotional abuse. I have tried speaking to him about it, but he just doesn't see it. I don't understand when this is literally a huge part of his job every day. I'm just working on being more assertive, as I want to be a good role model for dd.

OP posts: