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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Unwanted advances from Dh - am I being over sensitive?

164 replies

Honeyandchamomile · 27/03/2017 12:47

I have nc for this post, but am a frequent poster. I'm also prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable about this, as I probably am I'm just upset.

Last night as I was getting into bed, Dh pulled me in for a nice hug. He then started trying to get intimate, but for a few reasons I said no. But he still continued to keep pulling my pyjama bottoms down and kept trying. I kept pulling them back up but he wouldn't let me. He kept trying to kiss me and continue, but I kept saying no. At first I was quite lighthearted about it, but each time I said no I kept getting more serious about it as I didn't like that he wasn't listening to me. He then pinned me down and kept trying to touch me, and I had to keep moving away. This continued for several minutes (I had said no at least 15 times), until I pulled myself away and very sternly told him to stop.

He was then grumpy with me and said he wouldn't try initiating anything again as I'd turned him down. I should mention that we generally have a happy relationship, and a pretty good sex life. I just had a few reasons I didn't want to then, but felt he wasn't respecting my wishes.

Aibu to feel upset about this? I know he did stop in the end, but I didn't like that he just wasn't listening to me.

OP posts:

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 27/03/2017 14:01

Sounds horrible OP. Good luck with your chat this evening .

Original poster

Honeyandchamomile · 27/03/2017 14:04

I have posted before in relationships (under a different name) about some of the control I have noticed. Just things like - not liking me to be too close to my family (I have to get permission to see them), not letting me even speak to friends about anything to do with our relationship, being financially strict (even though I'm pretty sensible with money), and things which in the past I saw as being 'over protective'.

I am really working on myself though.

OP posts:

roselondoner · 27/03/2017 14:06

Firstly - as everyone has said, he crossed the line and no means no, therefore it is sexual assault

Secondly - you have to get permission to see your family??

Please take this very sincerely - that is a BIG red flag and you need to find a way to distance yourself safely from this man, take this from someone who has had to do the same. He is not well. I hope you're ok op please be careful

Original poster

Honeyandchamomile · 27/03/2017 14:06

I have just always seen him as being a strong character, and perhaps a 'saviour' when I first met him I guess. I am working on myself and my confidence though, and hoping he will see it. I'll speak to him about what happened this evening. Thanks again everyone.

OP posts:

Topseyt · 27/03/2017 14:08

He tried to force himself on you.

Tell him that if he is incapable of seeing how wrong that is then you will report him for sexual assault and attempted rape.

It doesn't matter that he is your husband. There absolutely IS such a thing as rape within a marriage.

Can you ever trust him again, or feel safe in his presence?

isupposeitsverynice · 27/03/2017 14:09

Right with what you've posted about family, friends and finance I've utterly changed my mind and am no longer giving him the benefit of the doubt. I think he knows exactly what he's doing and like a previous poster said is probably very informed by his line of work. Speak to women's aid as a matter of urgency and tell them what you've told us and they will help you plan the next steps.

LoupGarou · 27/03/2017 14:12

perhaps a 'saviour' when I first met him I guess.

The cynical part of me is wondering whether your vulnerability at the time was one of the things which attracted him to you. Sorry, that sounds awful and I'm not trying to do you down but I wonder whether he's done anything to debunk or discourage you seeing him a s a saviour?

Quartz2208 · 27/03/2017 14:13

Im afraid that you are in a controlling and abusive relationship and he crossed a line yesterday. He does not think he did anything wrong and that speaks volumes.

it makes me wonder why he has gone into his line of work

Why do you need to work on yourself?

Do you have children

Klaphat · 27/03/2017 14:14

I have just always seen him as being a strong character, and perhaps a 'saviour' when I first met him I guess. I am working on myself and my confidence though, and hoping he will see it.

From what you say there can be no doubt he knows exactly what he's doing in this relationship. Stop hoping he will 'see' anything.

Topseyt · 27/03/2017 14:14

Oh, and you don't need permission to see your family. That is very controlling of him.

I never ask permission from my DH to see mine. In fact, he would look rather at me if I did. I just tell him i am going.

HerOtherHalf · 27/03/2017 14:15

Sometimes I do say no once or twice, then change my mind. That's why I think maybe he thought it was playful and could change my mind.

He is 100% in the wrong here, frighteningly so.

It is inevitable in a long-term relationship that there will be many times when one partner is in the mood and the other is not. There is nothing wrong with the amorous one trying to get their partner in the mood but there are acceptable ways of doing it and there are clearly unacceptable ways. Trying to forcibly remove clothing, ignoring clear verbal and physical resistance, expressly unwanted intimate touching is not reasonably trying to get them in the mood, it is sexual assault.

If I'm trying to get my wife in the mood I will try various things that I know turn her on that are sensual rather than sexual - kissing her neck and ears and giving her a massage being particular favorites. If she starts to feel sexually aroused she will let me know, either by just telling me or more likely by starting to respond in a sexual manner by touching me or guiding me to more intimate places. If she doesn't she just gets a nice long romantic massage which still gives us both a lot of satisfaction through intimacy. If I ever tried ripping her PJs off or forcing myself on her I would check myself into a secure psych unit.

isupposeitsverynice · 27/03/2017 14:15

LoupGarou makes a good point. These men have a radar system for women who are even remotely vulnerable.

Original poster

Honeyandchamomile · 27/03/2017 14:16

We have 1 dd, who is 9 months old.

I need to work on being more assertive and stronger, letting him know if I'm not happy with something. I've been trying, but he tells me I'm being unkind to him and I feel bad.

OP posts:

Original poster

Honeyandchamomile · 27/03/2017 14:19

I know I probably sound so stupid from my posts, I guess I am just used to it after so many years. I really appreciate all of the replies though, as I didn't know it was sexual assault.

OP posts:

ohfourfoxache · 27/03/2017 14:24

Oh Honey

Sweetheart, he is abusive.

Have you contacted women's aid? Also, please please please look at the freedom programme- I think you'd find it helpful

Topseyt · 27/03/2017 14:26

You are NOT being at all unkind to him. He is a being unkind to you by sexually assaulting you and not listening to you saying no.

Topseyt · 27/03/2017 14:28

Calling him unkind is putting it very mildly, by the way.

He is a self centred arse.

roselondoner · 27/03/2017 14:33

Op you have nothing to apologise for and you're putting yourself down a lot in your replies which I think might be related to his effects on you I dunno, I really feel for you and I hope you know how much support you have from all of us

VestalVirgin · 27/03/2017 14:34

We have 1 dd, who is 9 months old.

Get her and yourself out of there ASAP. Do not talk to him. Do not ask his permission. Pack your things and go to your family as soon as you can.

Better do not act in any way out of the ordinary while you have to stay with him. Abusive men often get more violent when their victim tries to leave.
Do not try to explain to him that he tried to rape you. He knew what he was doing.

It is also a normal part of the pattern that they get more violent as soon as there is a child and the woman cannot leave as easily anymore. So if you thought this increase in abuse was just a temporary thing and would pass eventually ... think again.

roselondoner · 27/03/2017 14:34

Sorry I meant to say you don't need to explain yourself

LoupGarou · 27/03/2017 14:39

you don't sound stupid at all, far from it. Abuse grinds you down and makes you doubt yourself. Abusers want you to think you're being stupid, they want you to think that if you talk about it everyone will think you're being stupid. Its just another tactic they use to control you.
You are not being unkind to him, he's using the fact you're a lovely person who doesn't want to hurt anyone against you, using it to manipulate you, which is sick.

LevantineHummus · 27/03/2017 14:43

You're not being unkind OP. He just doesn't like you having your own mind.

LoupGarou · 27/03/2017 14:44

One warning, when you start realising and seeing abuse for what it is abusers usually up the ante, and when their usual tactics don't work they will often try something more aggressive to bring you back under their control.

The film Coraline is a very, very good example of this, right from the sucking in of the main character to The Other Mother's attempts to regain control after Coraline realises what is going on. I had a very abusive childhood, which I ran away from in the end and it sounds illy but watching Coraline was quite a revelation for me as it made sense of the tactics my parents used.

Orangetoffee · 27/03/2017 14:46

The permission to see you family sounds familiar, is he the very religious one?

He was sexual abusive to you and it is not your duty as a wife to have sex with him. It is however his duty as a husband to respect your wishes, no means no.

Original poster

Honeyandchamomile · 27/03/2017 14:52

Yes you recognise me, orangetoffee.

And I've never seen Coralline. I had a difficult childhood too, and never really believed in myself.

OP posts:

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