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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unwanted advances from Dh - am I being over sensitive?

164 replies

Honeyandchamomile · 27/03/2017 12:47

I have nc for this post, but am a frequent poster. I'm also prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable about this, as I probably am I'm just upset.

Last night as I was getting into bed, Dh pulled me in for a nice hug. He then started trying to get intimate, but for a few reasons I said no. But he still continued to keep pulling my pyjama bottoms down and kept trying. I kept pulling them back up but he wouldn't let me. He kept trying to kiss me and continue, but I kept saying no. At first I was quite lighthearted about it, but each time I said no I kept getting more serious about it as I didn't like that he wasn't listening to me. He then pinned me down and kept trying to touch me, and I had to keep moving away. This continued for several minutes (I had said no at least 15 times), until I pulled myself away and very sternly told him to stop.

He was then grumpy with me and said he wouldn't try initiating anything again as I'd turned him down. I should mention that we generally have a happy relationship, and a pretty good sex life. I just had a few reasons I didn't want to then, but felt he wasn't respecting my wishes.

Aibu to feel upset about this? I know he did stop in the end, but I didn't like that he just wasn't listening to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Honeyandchamomile · 27/03/2017 13:25

And nope we don't usually do role play like that or anything.

OP posts:
Megatherium · 27/03/2017 13:25

I suspect that in his mind he was hoping that you would change your mind. He should have been capable of realising much earlier that that wasn't going to happen, and being grumpy afterwards wasn't really an available response. You need to have a discussion about the fact that you are allowed to turn him down without him sulking and taking it as some dreadful rejection, and that actually he's perfectly free to initiate things so long as he is prepared to stop if you say no.

RhiWrites · 27/03/2017 13:26

Ask him what he thinks happened last night. He'll probably say that he tried to be affectionate and you turned him down.

Then tell him that what you remember is you saying no and him continuing to touch you, take your clothes off while you said no.

Ask him if he thinks he has rights over your body. He might say you're over reacting.

Then ask him what he thinks is the correct reaction to a man who keeps trying to have sex with you when you've said no over and over again. Ask him what he'd tell his sister or his daughter.

Hopefully he'll get it. If he doesn't then there are some big issues here. Please don't let him convince you that you're over reacting. It's your body, you get to say no to sex.

MrsELM21 · 27/03/2017 13:26

Ooh no OP, this isn't right. I suspect he too knows it wasn't right but was just 'trying his luck' so to speak. Definitely speak to him about it or I suspect it could well happen again.

isupposeitsverynice · 27/03/2017 13:27

Can you draw the parallel with the stuff he deals with at work? I think some men can be so ignorant about this stuff - they think rapists are flashers in dirty macs hiding down alleyways so how could their behaviour be anything like that? The decent ones are shocked and remorseful when it's laid on the line for them.

I used the word playful in my post in relation to my husband so I'm sorry if I confused things there - I don't think OP used it in her opening post.

Pencilvester · 27/03/2017 13:28

You are not over reacting or being unreasonable in any way at all. I'm sorry this happened to you.

Original poster
Honeyandchamomile · 27/03/2017 13:28

Sometimes I do say no once or twice, then change my mind. That's why I think maybe he thought it was playful and could change my mind. But I have never said no sternly so many times, pulling myself away and pulling my trousers up, then changed my mind. If anything, him continuing to ignore my wishes just made me want to get away from him even more.

OP posts:
isupposeitsverynice · 27/03/2017 13:28

Sorry I have x-posted - given that there seems to be a controlling element to his other behaviours I would recommend giving some thoughts to DJBaggySmalls suggestion that you consider speaking to Women's Aid or similar.

StewieGMum · 27/03/2017 13:30

You said no. He ignored you. That is the legal definition of sexual assault. You don't have to confront him tonight. Only do so if you feel safe doing it.

You can reach out to rape crisis centre for support. They can help you process and decide how to handle this.

LoupGarou · 27/03/2017 13:31

YANBU at all. No means no. When someone asks you to stop then you should stop first time, every time without questions, whining, getting moody or angry, cajoling, persuading.

Look up coercive rape OP, sadly its something which affects spouses all too often.

Original poster
Honeyandchamomile · 27/03/2017 13:31

Yes I think I'll definitely speak to him about this. I think he didn't realise how he was making me feel. I need to tell him how I felt, and would he ever want dd to feel like that, as I think we both have different interpretations of what happened last night.

Thank you again everyone

OP posts:
DJBaggySmalls · 27/03/2017 13:32

Please keep yourself safe.

Original poster
Honeyandchamomile · 27/03/2017 13:34

I sound so ignorant but I didn't really realise this was a thing. Most if the time I do want to have sex, but even when I don't I sometimes do as I thought it was my duty as a wife.

I apologise if I'm drip feeding!

OP posts:
LoupGarou · 27/03/2017 13:39

as I thought it was my duty as a wife

No no no no no no! It is not. It is NEVER your duty. Does your DH make your feel this way? Sad

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 27/03/2017 13:40

His ego couldn't take you keep saying no so he kept pushing. . Ask him if he agrees he did cross the line. . It is important he recognises he acted inappropriately. Then draw a line and move on. . My exh didn't take no for an answer and there was no moving on. I left.
If he is genuine you will be able to move forward and class it as a misunderstanding on his part. Massive but a misunderstanding.

RhiWrites · 27/03/2017 13:43

It used to be the case that marital rape wasn't a crime, OP. Take a minute to mull that over. A husband could rape his wife whenever he wanted but legally it wouldn't be rape and she couldn't complain.

This is still the case in some countries but in the UK marital rape was criminalised in 1991.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marital_rape

ShotsFired · 27/03/2017 13:44

I haven't had sex with my OH for almost 6 weeks now, just down to a bunch of annoying factors. I am very aware of this.

I recently had to ask him to stop making silly sex jokes at every opportunity because (in my weird mental head) it was making me feel that if we did it then, it'd be because he'd mentioned it and not just because we wanted it.

But the difference is, he stopped immediately when he realised it was bugging me; and not continued on at me, whether in harmless silly jokes or physically.

MsStricty · 27/03/2017 13:45

It sounds like there might be a blurring of lines between what he sees at work and his behaviour at home, OP, and perhaps he needs to get help with that if he can't see that what he did was a violation of your consent and of your body.

I hope it's a learning point for him.

Megatherium · 27/03/2017 13:46

Massive over-reaction to talk about rape crisis centres.

ThePiglet59 · 27/03/2017 13:47

"as I thought it was my duty as a wife"

Crikey. are there many more like you out there?

expatinscotland · 27/03/2017 13:51

Dear god! It's attempted rape. And those 'other issues with control that might be emotional abuse'? I'd wager my last penny they are emotional abuse, not just 'might be'. You've generally 'very happy' as long as it's all going his way.

ecuse · 27/03/2017 13:54

If he sees this every day in his job, is there a chance he also sees how hard it is for women to assert themselves in those situations, how frequently they blame themselves or think there must be some misunderstanding, how often this has to happen and his severe it has to be for women to consider reporting their husbands/partners and, therefore, how easy it is to get away with?

Goldfishjane · 27/03/2017 13:54

OP "I have recently noticed some issues with control in our relationship, and maybe emotional abuse. I have tried speaking to him about it, but he just doesn't see it"

I am sorry but probably doesn't want to see it.

also, I admit freely to being a pessimist, but surely the fact that he works with these sorts of boundaries would make him even more knowledgeable about how to push them?

I'm sorry you're going through this. I am rather alarmed at some of the responses though - you do need to consider the plain fact of "attempted rape". If you look at all the "men don't understand xyz" stuff, that's not a safe person to be with anyway surely?

Goldfishjane · 27/03/2017 13:55

I should rephrase - I don't mean "doesn't want to see it" - I mean that he will actively know what he is doing it, so will shove away your point of view as part of gaslighting you.

ohfourfoxache · 27/03/2017 13:56

Do you want to tell us a bit about the control and emotional issues? Sometimes outsiders can see the blatantly obvious that we often ignore in our own relationships.