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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unwanted advances from Dh - am I being over sensitive?

164 replies

Honeyandchamomile · 27/03/2017 12:47

I have nc for this post, but am a frequent poster. I'm also prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable about this, as I probably am I'm just upset.

Last night as I was getting into bed, Dh pulled me in for a nice hug. He then started trying to get intimate, but for a few reasons I said no. But he still continued to keep pulling my pyjama bottoms down and kept trying. I kept pulling them back up but he wouldn't let me. He kept trying to kiss me and continue, but I kept saying no. At first I was quite lighthearted about it, but each time I said no I kept getting more serious about it as I didn't like that he wasn't listening to me. He then pinned me down and kept trying to touch me, and I had to keep moving away. This continued for several minutes (I had said no at least 15 times), until I pulled myself away and very sternly told him to stop.

He was then grumpy with me and said he wouldn't try initiating anything again as I'd turned him down. I should mention that we generally have a happy relationship, and a pretty good sex life. I just had a few reasons I didn't want to then, but felt he wasn't respecting my wishes.

Aibu to feel upset about this? I know he did stop in the end, but I didn't like that he just wasn't listening to me.

OP posts:
ForTheSakeOfFuck · 27/03/2017 15:32

OP, it's worth doing a little bit of reading about operant conditioning, and especially about intermittent reinforcement. You'd think that the best way to "train" (groom) a victim would be to be consistently nice or nasty to them, depending on the desired behaviour. Not so. Intermittent reward/punishment is far more effective. It has ties with why some people find gambling so insanely addictive. Have a think about how predictable his behaviour is for you and whether you know what his reactions/moods are going to be. If you find it hard to say how he'll take a given scenario even if it's one you've seen him face many times, then it's something to think about.

JohnCheese · 27/03/2017 15:34

Christ don't feel ashamed!! You are only beginning to realise stuff - it can take ages.
Of course you can be happy, you didn't marry him for no reason. But I'll bet the 'we can be happy' times are when you're compromising and making sure everything is 'just so'. You know it's not your job to make sure everything is 'just so'.

Arm yourself with information on these kind of controlling and abusive men. Make your plan. I hate saying LTB because I really think only you know the complexities of your relationship but I really think you have to consider your options here. These things generally get worse, not better. Sorry.

RhiWrites · 27/03/2017 16:14

OP, try reading "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft.

amzn.to/2o1RWTN

DoloresTheRunawayTrain · 27/03/2017 16:17

Beware the saviour. They specifically look for vulnerable 'broken birds' and like to give the appearence of taking care of them. Keeping them in a cage because it keeps them safe. The problem is once they heal and start to see their prison for what it truly is the saviour then has to 'break the birds wings' again in order to fulfill the role as he sees it in his head. It is not over protectiveness. It's emotional and financial abuse which is now tipping over and escalating into physical (holding you down) and sexual (ignoring your refusal) abuse. He knows what he is doing and indeed may have even picked his line of work because it gives him that sense of power. Talk to WA asap.

Klaphat · 27/03/2017 16:21

But if you sometimes 'say no when you mean yes' (an awful phrase but I kind of do it myself sometimes and then enjoy being gently teased into having sex)

This is not what the OP said. She said she says no and then changes her mind, which is not the same at all.

Original poster
Honeyandchamomile · 27/03/2017 16:31

Thanks everyone, I really mean that. There is so much good insight here which I really appreciate.

Dolores - I believe there is a lot of truth in what you have written.

I would talk to women's aid or something, but would feel a little dramatic. I don't know if this makes sense, but I sometimes feel like I'm making up what is happening, even when I know I'm not.

OP posts:
Honeybee79 · 27/03/2017 16:32

Please don't feel ashamed OP. This is not your fault.

purplecoathanger · 27/03/2017 16:33

He was completely out of order OP. I'd have to have a very stern conversation with him. I wouldn't at this point throw the baby out with the bath water but he does need to fully understand how wrong he was.

picklemepopcorn · 27/03/2017 16:55

Honey, you know don't you, that this is not ok? You know you should be allowed to see your family. You were going to stay with your sister last time, did you go in the end?

Talking to Women's aid isn't at all dramatic. They are used to helping people like you work out what is going on in their relationships, and how to help them find a way through.

Please do. I'm worried, it sounds as if he is getting worse. It sounds as though he won't stop one day soon.

Original poster
Honeyandchamomile · 27/03/2017 17:01

Pickle - my sister did pick me up, but I stayed with my parents. I confided in my sister which was really nice actually. I also spoke a little to ny parents, who suggested I try to speak to dh about how I was feeling. I tried to, but he just kind of turned I back on me and nothings really changed. I can tell my family are a bit worried though.

Maybe I will give women's aid a ring then, I just don't want to waste their time as there are women who go through far worse than me.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 27/03/2017 17:10

Honey I promise you from the bottom of my heart, you will not be wasting their time.

I remember you now, mention of your sister made me connect the dots. Honey your last thread was pretty horrific Sad

I'm so glad you seem to have your family (your sister at the very least) on board

picklemepopcorn · 27/03/2017 17:11

That's lovely. I'm glad.

Women's aid probably wish more women would come to them earlier. The thing is, you can just about tolerate it now, but it is going to get worse, not better.

Please find help before DD sees things she shouldn't.

Goldfishjane · 27/03/2017 17:39

OP "I can tell my family are a bit worried though."

I feel as if they might not be worried enough! Please call WA. Can you and DD stay with a member of your family?

I am wondering if you come from a previous relationship or background that might have suggested to you this was okay behaviour. It is not acceptable in any way. I haven't seen your other threads but I am very concerned by what I see here.

Original poster
Honeyandchamomile · 27/03/2017 18:32

Goldfish - growing up I didn't always have the best childhood (abuse & neglect), and in a previous thread it was suggested this could be why I'm in the relationship I'm in now.

I don't really feel like things are bad enough to leave or anything.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 27/03/2017 18:46

Honey that's why you don't feel like things are bad enough to leave - you've had an awful time in the past and so in comparison things "aren't too bad" Sad

From an outside perspective things are bad. They are very bad. But because of your past experience you can't see it. (Please don't think I'm being horrible saying that- it's an inevitable consequence of a shit childhood Sad )

Goldfishjane · 27/03/2017 18:46

Honey, why not just call Women's Aid and talk to them, nothing to lose.

Also, do you have any friends or colleagues you can talk to?

DoloresTheRunawayTrain · 27/03/2017 18:50

Save yourself and your daughter a lot of healing and therapy time by getting out before it gets that bad. Get out before the situation has sapped your strength so much you wish you could turn back the clock to now. Get out before you are so broken by him that you wish the world would just stop and you've made a mess of everything and start to believe you deserve the treatment you receive.

Original poster
Honeyandchamomile · 27/03/2017 19:05

Dolores - that's what I'm sometimes afraid will happen.

I don't really have anyone to confide in, other than ny sister. I'm a sahp, and don't really know the mum's from group well enough. Even my long term friends back where I used to live I would never really speak to, as I don't tend to get too personal with many people.

I will sleep on it and may give women's aid a call tomorrow. Thank you again.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 27/03/2017 19:36

He is escalating his behaviour though, presumably it mirrors you trying to be more assertive

Presumably its not happened before because you say no and then give in yesterday you didnt and he pinned you down for a few minutes continuing to touch you when you said no - where will he escalate to next

I agree with Dolores his job and your relationship sounds like he thinks he is your saviour he wont react well to you trying to get any control back

I think the fact you used the words you dont really feel means that deep down you do know and you do feel its that bad you just havent quite got there yet and thats ok

bellasuewow · 27/03/2017 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Honeyandchamomile · 27/03/2017 20:19

Bellasue - I have never been previously banned, and this post is 100% genuine. A few posters have even recognised me from a different name. I would never make this up, but totally understand people's caution when it comes to threads like this, as I know many people aren't genuine.

I have spoken to Dh about it, but he thought I was being playful and leading him on, and said I upset him. Hopefully it won't happen again though.

OP posts:
ElBandito · 27/03/2017 20:22

You upset him how dare he. He's just turning his bad behaviour back on you again.

picklemepopcorn · 27/03/2017 20:27

You upset him? Poor baby. This is the man who thinks he is grown up enough to over rule you? But whose feelings get hurt when he isn't allowed to rape his wife?

Oh honey. You really are settling for a low standard. Do chat with women's aid. They want to talk to you. Now, not when it's all much worse.

You want DD to have a better childhood than you did, so she can get a better adult relationships than you have. The way to do that is by getting help and getting out. Please do.

Mermaidinthesea · 27/03/2017 20:30

it is most definitely sexual assault. You have every right to say no and mean no. he should be disgusted with himself.ou are not a toy or a blow up doll. Does he not understand the meaning of consent and marital rape, no means no.