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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unwanted advances from Dh - am I being over sensitive?

164 replies

Honeyandchamomile · 27/03/2017 12:47

I have nc for this post, but am a frequent poster. I'm also prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable about this, as I probably am I'm just upset.

Last night as I was getting into bed, Dh pulled me in for a nice hug. He then started trying to get intimate, but for a few reasons I said no. But he still continued to keep pulling my pyjama bottoms down and kept trying. I kept pulling them back up but he wouldn't let me. He kept trying to kiss me and continue, but I kept saying no. At first I was quite lighthearted about it, but each time I said no I kept getting more serious about it as I didn't like that he wasn't listening to me. He then pinned me down and kept trying to touch me, and I had to keep moving away. This continued for several minutes (I had said no at least 15 times), until I pulled myself away and very sternly told him to stop.

He was then grumpy with me and said he wouldn't try initiating anything again as I'd turned him down. I should mention that we generally have a happy relationship, and a pretty good sex life. I just had a few reasons I didn't want to then, but felt he wasn't respecting my wishes.

Aibu to feel upset about this? I know he did stop in the end, but I didn't like that he just wasn't listening to me.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 27/03/2017 20:32

Seriously you believe he thought that and he is upset

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 27/03/2017 20:33

I have spoken to Dh about it, but he thought I was being playful and leading him on, and said I upset him. Hopefully it won't happen again though.

And there you have it. See how you're the bad guy? And see how you're now back in line, hoping it won't happen again?

Come on, OP. It is not a healthy relationship where you hope you won't get assaulted. Or where you're the one in the wrong after you are. Take a step back. Imagine your daughter in eighteen years time telling you that her partner had done this to her. Would you tell her to hope that it didn't happen again? Set her a better standard. Give her a fighting chance at having good, healthy relationships. Please.

DoloresTheRunawayTrain · 27/03/2017 20:59

So his behaviour is your fault and your responsibility to manage (by capitulation) or he will be upset.
Not oh my god I thought you were joking. Are you OK? I'm so sorry.
He's turning it round on you and making you the sole cause and blame for any situation just because you have no wish to be treated like an object with no thoughts or feelings of your own.
It's all about him, his feelings etc. Not one mention of your feelings just his expectations of you.

VioletHornswaggle · 27/03/2017 23:15

OP, I hope, despite what you have just written that you do sleep on this and reflect. Re-read the thread. Also, read the sticky at the top of the relationships topic and ask yourself the questions implied there.

ItsCakeTime · 27/03/2017 23:54

I also 'recognise' you. I didn't post on your first thread as basically I would have been repeating others.

The first thing I will say is that anyone on here that has any knowledge of abusive relations knows it can be very difficult to see the situation you're in and even once you start to realise we know leaving can be very very difficult. Please don't worry about posting you will be supported. On average a woman will leave & return to an abusive relationship 7 times.

As women we have been 'trained' to see the health of a relationship as our responsibility, and depending on background some of us have been trained 'better' than others…

It does sound though as he upping the stakes.

Please talk to women's aid, they will give you advice on staying safe.

PickAChew · 28/03/2017 00:06

You upset him? Cry me a river. He has absolutely no consideration for how much he upset you by persistently trying to have sex with you that you didn't want and told him very clearly that you didn't want, repeatedly. Angry

What a fucking arsehole you're married to. You have to make that phone call to Women's Aid, tomorrow. Thy wll help you to gain and hold on to a real perspective on what is happening.

ItsCakeTime · 28/03/2017 00:07

I've just refreshed and seen your most recent posts.

Please please please call Women's aid.

My friend was similar to you (only without a child). She told me a little of what was going on and I was horrified. She felt I was being dramatic.

I persuaded her to call, even before she'd told them the worst they were saying You're in an abusive relationship. She was very shocked because like you they had good/great times. But as they said and has been said on here if they were an arsehole from day 1 & 24 hours a day you wouldn't stay with them. They know exactly when to turn the screws and when to be sweetness and light.

Just ring and chat with women's aid, be honest with them, I don't think they'll say much different that we have but it might make it clearer in your head.

Be safe

ohfourfoxache · 28/03/2017 00:26

Head => desk

You upset him? What.The.Actual.Fuck?

Honey he's turning this around, he's manipulating you. Classic sign of an abusive relationship.

Please please don't listen to him, please get help Sad

nursy1 · 28/03/2017 00:37

I am not sure I would say this was assault in the context of a long term and generally happy relationship.
He was just really horny, you weren't and he kept pestering beyond the point of it being reasonable. It's worth a row but I don't think labelling it an assault will add anything.
If he repeats it then it's a different matter.

nursy1 · 28/03/2017 00:42

Hang on. Have just updated post and read some of your other replies. If this is part of a pattern and not just a random occurrence in an otherwise happy relationship ( as you originally said) then I DO think you have a problem.

Topseyt · 28/03/2017 01:59

Nursy, it is most definitely assault, and with OP's other posts definitely part of a pattern.

Your first post minimised that and could be the one picked up on by a vulnerable OP.

The intent to force himself on her was clear from the start of the thread and other posters have worked hard to get across the point that this is totally unacceptable and in no way normal.

When someone is clearly in an abusive and potentially dangerous situation which they are having difficulty with, posts which in any way justify it are not helpful.

I suspect it was unintentional due to your second post, but it is damaging nonetheless.

ChasedByBees · 28/03/2017 06:32

Please do speak with Women's Aid OP. It doesn't matter if you think others are going through worse, you still need to call. Your relationship is abusive and unhealthy and I think you need real life support.

picklemepopcorn · 28/03/2017 06:49

Nursy, do you think you could ask for your first post to be deleted? I don't think OP needs anyone to minimise her situation, and you have changed your mind since reading all her posts.

Gallavich · 28/03/2017 07:18

Nursy, even without the later context it is clearly sexual assault so your first post was unhelpful and wrong.

Honey are you hoping you can persuade him to see he is abusing you and that he will realise he's wrong and stop?

magoria · 28/03/2017 07:36

It is interesting that his behaviour has stepped up a gear recently and you have a 9 month old.

A lot of what I read on here seems to point towards abuse ramping up during pregnancy etc. They basically now think they have you trapped.

You need to make it clear to your H how his persistently trying to remove your clothing as you keep it on and molesting you make you feel.

Not how sad he feels.

Mind you I don't think a controlling potential rapist will really care how you fell as it is clear he is making you into the guilty party.

Have clear boundaries in future. If you do not want sex say no I am not in the mood. Don't do it out of duty.

That way he cannot think no means badger me a few times and you will say yes to shut him up.

Original poster
Honeyandchamomile · 28/03/2017 08:45

I have just read the more recent replies, and just what to thank you all for them. I am reading each one carefully.

Last night as I was trying to get to sleep, dh spoke of what happened and tried making me feel guilty. He then asked "didn't you think it was romantic?", I simply replied "no", and he said "I think it was".

Even knowing that I saw it differently to him and was upset, he didn't apologise once. If it was me, even if I didn't think what I had done was wrong, I would apologise for how it made him feel.

I am calling women's aid when dd has a nap later on. I will find the strength to do it.

OP posts:
Bobbins43 · 28/03/2017 09:07

Am thinking of you, OP. I do think Women's Aid will be helpful, if only to clarify things for you. We are all here, supporting you.

JohnCheese · 28/03/2017 10:01

Jesus wept. You upset him?? Ffs. OP sorry you're going through this but at least it's still early-ish in the relationship. And sorry, but he's a dick.
It's great you're going to speak to Women's Aid. As I said in a previous post, I'm v slow to say LTB. But there at so many red flags here that I do think you need to gather yourself and start making plans to move on.
Do follow through with Women's Aid. Good luck.

isupposeitsverynice · 28/03/2017 10:06

Romantic! That might be half believable if he was a hermit who lived in a cave with only old fashioned films for company, but this is a man who works in an area where he knows a good deal about control and abuse. Please be careful Honeyandchamomile. He sounds more and more dangerous with every post you make. Bear in mind that women's aid is, like so many things, overworked and underfunded, and prepare yourself to make several calls before you get hold of someone. I am rooting for you Flowers

Original poster
Honeyandchamomile · 28/03/2017 10:14

Thank you so much.

Also, it's not really early-ish in our relationship, we have been together for 6 years. That's what makes all of this harder, he is my first love and my husband, and a great dad to our little girl.

OP posts:
DoloresTheRunawayTrain · 28/03/2017 10:44

He's not so great a father if this is what he is showing her men in relationsips behave like. He is not such a great father if he robs her mother of her autonomy. She will grow up expecting and seek similar.

BakingWithPreSchoolerand6YO · 28/03/2017 10:48

Great dads do not sexually assault / attempt to rape the mother of their children.

Great dads don't manipulate the mother of their child and prevent her from making her own decisions regarding money, seeing family, whether she wants to have sex, etc.

I followed your other thread - Great dads don't pretend God has spoken to them and knows what's best for the mother of his child, even when it is in direct opposition to what the mother says and feels.

He's abusive - becoming more so. He already had the coercive control, emotional abuse and financial abuse down to a fine art, he's now moving on to physical and sexual abuse.

If you don't leave your daughter will learn that these are all things she too will have to endure as they're part of what she perceives as a normal relationship. A great dad doesn't teach his daughter - via example - that she can only expect to be abused and controlled.

You're already being brave by posting here, keep going and call Women's Aid, then keep going some more as soon as you're able to and get out. The world can be a wonderful place when you're free of the FOG (fear obligation guilt) of an abusive relationship, you've just got to get through some shit before you get there.

Thinking of you OP Flowers

Gallavich · 28/03/2017 11:17

He's not a great dad.
Abusing the mother of your children makes you not a good dad.

Stormtreader · 28/03/2017 11:18

I think he is confusing "romantic" with "sexually exciting for me", they are VERY different.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 28/03/2017 11:22

Good luck op I hope you find the strength to leave!