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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Unwanted advances from Dh - am I being over sensitive?

164 replies

Honeyandchamomile · 27/03/2017 12:47

I have nc for this post, but am a frequent poster. I'm also prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable about this, as I probably am I'm just upset.

Last night as I was getting into bed, Dh pulled me in for a nice hug. He then started trying to get intimate, but for a few reasons I said no. But he still continued to keep pulling my pyjama bottoms down and kept trying. I kept pulling them back up but he wouldn't let me. He kept trying to kiss me and continue, but I kept saying no. At first I was quite lighthearted about it, but each time I said no I kept getting more serious about it as I didn't like that he wasn't listening to me. He then pinned me down and kept trying to touch me, and I had to keep moving away. This continued for several minutes (I had said no at least 15 times), until I pulled myself away and very sternly told him to stop.

He was then grumpy with me and said he wouldn't try initiating anything again as I'd turned him down. I should mention that we generally have a happy relationship, and a pretty good sex life. I just had a few reasons I didn't want to then, but felt he wasn't respecting my wishes.

Aibu to feel upset about this? I know he did stop in the end, but I didn't like that he just wasn't listening to me.

OP posts:

VestalVirgin · 28/03/2017 11:39

Even knowing that I saw it differently to him and was upset, he didn't apologise once. If it was me, even if I didn't think what I had done was wrong, I would apologise for how it made him feel.

Exactly.

You can do it. You can leave him!

TheColonelAdoresPuffins · 28/03/2017 11:51

It makes you wonder how well he is carrying out his job if he thinks pinning someone down and refusing to take no for an answer is romantic. Worrying.

Original poster

Honeyandchamomile · 28/03/2017 11:53

Thank you everyone. I have just called women's aid, the woman was really nice. Without a doubt she said it's abuse, and they get lots of calls from women who's husband's/partners are in the same line of work as Dh which was surprising to me. She mentioned leaving and a refuge, but isn't sure if I'm quite there yet. I also have the number for a local service I can call.

She said what lots of posters here have said, it will never get better, only worse. Thank you to everyone who encouraged me to call, I never would have if it wasn't for the support I received here.

OP posts:

DistanceCall · 28/03/2017 12:21

I'm glad you got good advice. Well done. What keeps you from leaving, Honey?

PickAChew · 28/03/2017 12:23

Good move, honey

Now make sure you have all your important bits and pieces where you can grab them. I'm concerned about how he is going to punish you for "making him sad" by not appreciating his idea of "romantic" (yeah, trying to physically force someone to have sex with you is about as romantic as vomiting.)

ohfourfoxache · 28/03/2017 12:33

Oh Honey WELL DONE

You should be bloody proud of yourself - as a stranger on the internet, I'm bloody proud of you.

You've taken a big step forward. You do know that you deserve to be happy, don't you?

HelenaDove · 28/03/2017 13:27

Honey ive been following this thread and i think you are being really brave.

Topseyt · 28/03/2017 14:14

He is a terrible Dad.

A great Dad wouldn't sexually assaulted the mother of his child and insist that it was romantic!!!

If this is his definition of romantic then look out for him trying it again sometime soon.

Well done for calling Women's Aid. Do take any advice they give you, and keep as safe as you can. Let them get you out if you are ready.

Would you consider sleeping in a separate bedroom for now if you have a spare room? I don't know if that is a good idea or not, but personally I doubt that I would want to be sleeping next to him now.

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 28/03/2017 14:35

Honey, you have taken that most crucial first step. Well done. Now take another. Get your important things together. Be ready. I pray it doesn't take another incident to convince you to take the third step and leave, but in case you're still unsure, a moment will come, and you will know it's time. Be ready for that moment. You can do this, for your DD.

Original poster

Honeyandchamomile · 28/03/2017 14:51

Thank you so much for your support everyone, it's making me a but emotional. I have spoken to a local service who were also fantastic, they will give me a key worker (not sure if that's what they're called?) to help me.

It's just been really reassuring to finally speak up, and have confirmation that this isn't normal.

OP posts:

shovetheholly · 28/03/2017 15:37

I can't believe that he didn't apologise or even acknowledge your feelings and response to this. It really goes to show that sometimes people can know something abstractly, but be completely unable to practice it.

I think you've been tremendously brave. It takes a special and strong kind of person to realise an inconvenient and hurtful truth like this.

picklemepopcorn · 28/03/2017 15:37

Well done honey, well done! You should be so proud of yourself. One step at a time to freedom and independence, and the chance for your little girl to grow up safely.

RortyCrankle · 28/03/2017 16:18

Honey I'm so pleased you made the call. I hope it shows you the way forward. Please gather up important documents, passports etc and put them somewhere safe (with your Sister maybe?).

I wish you the strength you need to leave this man.

Orangetoffee · 28/03/2017 16:31

Well done honey! You have taken some very big steps, accept the support you are given and don't worry or feel ashamed for wobbling or not doing things straight away, you will get there.

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