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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unwanted advances from Dh - am I being over sensitive?

164 replies

Honeyandchamomile · 27/03/2017 12:47

I have nc for this post, but am a frequent poster. I'm also prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable about this, as I probably am I'm just upset.

Last night as I was getting into bed, Dh pulled me in for a nice hug. He then started trying to get intimate, but for a few reasons I said no. But he still continued to keep pulling my pyjama bottoms down and kept trying. I kept pulling them back up but he wouldn't let me. He kept trying to kiss me and continue, but I kept saying no. At first I was quite lighthearted about it, but each time I said no I kept getting more serious about it as I didn't like that he wasn't listening to me. He then pinned me down and kept trying to touch me, and I had to keep moving away. This continued for several minutes (I had said no at least 15 times), until I pulled myself away and very sternly told him to stop.

He was then grumpy with me and said he wouldn't try initiating anything again as I'd turned him down. I should mention that we generally have a happy relationship, and a pretty good sex life. I just had a few reasons I didn't want to then, but felt he wasn't respecting my wishes.

Aibu to feel upset about this? I know he did stop in the end, but I didn't like that he just wasn't listening to me.

OP posts:
muffinbluffer · 27/03/2017 14:55

There are a lot of alarm bells ringing in my head even without his totally unacceptable unwanted 'advances' and subsequent attempt to then make you the villain...the first one was when you said he works around issues of consent...I don't think many people realise (or want to realise) but there are many people drawn into certain professions because they haven't adequately worked through their own issues and this is particularly true of the 'helping' professions and those that deal with issues of abuse and trauma...some of the most messed up, abusive people I have met have worked such jobs and they can appear very convincing with all their knowledge....you then go on to talk about him being your 'saviour' and him wanting to isolate you...again these are two big warning signs...he strikes me (and I don't know him so it is just from the snippets, yet striking ones, you have offered) as someone who needs desperately to be in control. I don't know why this is and really it's his problem not yours. This might be a realisation that is hard to come to. I think his reaction to you trying to talk to him about it will really be a good marker at how willing he is to look at his obvious issues. If he gets defensive or starts turning things round on you as in 'well, if you didn't do so and so..' etc then this is a bad sign (to add to the other really bad ones). I could tell you to leave, to find someone who treats you with respect but I appreciate that is a massive step and may take a lot for you to be able to do. Do you have outside support? I hope he has not succeeded in isolating you too much and we are thinking of you.

Orangetoffee · 27/03/2017 14:58

I am sorry that is you honey, you are in an abusive relationship and this is just another aspect to it.

muffinbluffer · 27/03/2017 14:59

I'd just like to add that many of the most wonderful caring people are drawn to those professions too - I didn't mean to imply we should mistrust people in certain jobs, just that it helps to be realistic that people are people wherever you go - good, bad and ugly....

Original poster
Honeyandchamomile · 27/03/2017 15:01

Orangetoffee - I nc for this thread, as on the other I posted a while back I got so many amazing replies and great advice, but felt ashamed that I didn't follow it and did nothing. I confided in my family, who advised that I worked on being more assertive and did nothing drastic.

OP posts:
JohnCheese · 27/03/2017 15:03

Honeyand I think you know the answer. This is not good.Sad And I agree with other posters re red flags. Seriously - needing permission to see your family??

Have the control issues escalated since you became pregnant and or since you had the baby?

Original poster
Honeyandchamomile · 27/03/2017 15:06

Thanks muffin, and everyone else. I really appreciate hearing an outsiders perspective.

I have tried speaking to his mum (subtly) about some aspects of his personality/our relationship but she always seems to see his perspective. I really need to speak to him about last night though, now I have confirmation it really wasn't okay like I thought.

OP posts:
Original poster
Honeyandchamomile · 27/03/2017 15:07

Johncheese - they have always been there, but not all the time. We are really happy and everything is fine, then issues crop up. It ebbs and flows I guess.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 27/03/2017 15:07

Just things like - not liking me to be too close to my family (I have to get permission to see them), not letting me even speak to friends about anything to do with our relationship, being financially strict (even though I'm pretty sensible with money), and things which in the past I saw as being 'over protective'.

You don't need to work on yourself, Honey. You need to leave him. This man is an abuser. And it's going to get worse now that you are realising the degree of control he has over you.

muffinbluffer · 27/03/2017 15:10

JohnCheese good point re pregnancy...pregnancy can see an increase in abusive and controlling behaviours...Honey, did you notice this? but so can leaving so before you decide (if you do and it is totally your choice) to leave make sure you have a lot of support around if possible...

ohfourfoxache · 27/03/2017 15:12

Honey don't feel ashamed AT ALL.

On average it takes a long time to leave an abusive relationship. I can't remember how long exactly, but I remember reading on here that it's a surprisingly long time.

Orangetoffee · 27/03/2017 15:14

honey please do not feel ashamed to post again in relationships. You are only just starting to realise that he is abusive. Nobody will be disappointed in you or judge you and you will receive great advice and support.

I am pleased to hear you took the first step by talking to your family.

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 27/03/2017 15:15

Oh christ, OP. Just from reading your posts, when you take away the heavy filter of naiveté you're putting over his behaviour, he sounds to me like, at best, an ass, and at worst, an abusive and controlling predator. The fact that you even think you have "duties" to perform - that this notion hasn't come up and been dispelled at some point in your marriage, that he controls your behaviour in a range of different, that he doesn't take "no" for an answer... It is, unfortunately, not uncommon for people who work in social/therapy/counselling/consent/care careers to be some of the worst offenders, precisely because it gives them access to easy, vulnerable prey.

It's time to think about your DD and yourself. And if, tonight, when he gets home, somehow in the conversation it all starts being your fault, and you're suddenly the bad guy in all of this, then you have your answer, because that is exactly what a manipulative predator would do.

NewPuppyMum · 27/03/2017 15:19

Oh no. I remember your previous thread. I so hoped you had left him by now.

He doesn't get to tell you anything, make you or stop you doing anything, make you have sex or control you in anyway. Full stop. No rights as your husband over you at all.

LoupGarou · 27/03/2017 15:22

ForTheSakeOfFuck YY. Some predators can be more cunning though, so equally be wary if he comes home all contrite with flowers.

Original poster
Honeyandchamomile · 27/03/2017 15:25

Thank you so much everyone.

To be honest, I feel like things have gotten worse. I don't know if it's just because I notice it more now, or if it actually has gotten worse. But then, we can be so happy as well.

OP posts:
muffinbluffer · 27/03/2017 15:28

Also Honey you mentioned that his behaviour ebbs and flows...I think that there is a belief that all abusers are abusive all the time and that anyone who wasn't totally gullible would see this...this is not the case...the fact that there are undoubtedly good times is what makes this sort of behaviour so insidious and causes you to question yourself or tell yourself 'well, it isn't that bad'....this is the damage it does....I grew up with abuse and one of the worst effects is not being able to trust my own reality....don't judge yourself, abusers know how to keep you hanging on, in hope of the good times....come here for support if you need it....

muffinbluffer · 27/03/2017 15:28

Also Honey you mentioned that his behaviour ebbs and flows...I think that there is a belief that all abusers are abusive all the time and that anyone who wasn't totally gullible would see this...this is not the case...the fact that there are undoubtedly good times is what makes this sort of behaviour so insidious and causes you to question yourself or tell yourself 'well, it isn't that bad'....this is the damage it does....I grew up with abuse and one of the worst effects is not being able to trust my own reality....don't judge yourself, abusers know how to keep you hanging on, in hope of the good times....come here for support if you need it....

muffinbluffer · 27/03/2017 15:28

Also Honey you mentioned that his behaviour ebbs and flows...I think that there is a belief that all abusers are abusive all the time and that anyone who wasn't totally gullible would see this...this is not the case...the fact that there are undoubtedly good times is what makes this sort of behaviour so insidious and causes you to question yourself or tell yourself 'well, it isn't that bad'....this is the damage it does....I grew up with abuse and one of the worst effects is not being able to trust my own reality....don't judge yourself, abusers know how to keep you hanging on, in hope of the good times....come here for support if you need it....

muffinbluffer · 27/03/2017 15:28

Also Honey you mentioned that his behaviour ebbs and flows...I think that there is a belief that all abusers are abusive all the time and that anyone who wasn't totally gullible would see this...this is not the case...the fact that there are undoubtedly good times is what makes this sort of behaviour so insidious and causes you to question yourself or tell yourself 'well, it isn't that bad'....this is the damage it does....I grew up with abuse and one of the worst effects is not being able to trust my own reality....don't judge yourself, abusers know how to keep you hanging on, in hope of the good times....come here for support if you need it....

muffinbluffer · 27/03/2017 15:28

Also Honey you mentioned that his behaviour ebbs and flows...I think that there is a belief that all abusers are abusive all the time and that anyone who wasn't totally gullible would see this...this is not the case...the fact that there are undoubtedly good times is what makes this sort of behaviour so insidious and causes you to question yourself or tell yourself 'well, it isn't that bad'....this is the damage it does....I grew up with abuse and one of the worst effects is not being able to trust my own reality....don't judge yourself, abusers know how to keep you hanging on, in hope of the good times....come here for support if you need it....

muffinbluffer · 27/03/2017 15:29

Sorry, computer on blink so you got the above twice!

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 27/03/2017 15:29

Is the happiness when it suits him? Is it at times when he permits it and bestows his general sense of contentedness upon the world? If it's happiness that he permits (or not) as he sees fit then it's worthless.

The fact that you're noticing it now could be because you're growing more aware of it as you work on yourself, or because he's escalating, or possibly both. Either way, the cumulative effect of his behaviour in one thread should give you pause for thought. It's no good saying, "Well, yes, Hitler did a lot of bad things but then he did make the trains run on time".

muffinbluffer · 27/03/2017 15:30

Ah, sorry, more than twice it seems....Blush

NotMyPenguin · 27/03/2017 15:31

It sounds like there may be bigger issues at play here.

But if you sometimes 'say no when you mean yes' (an awful phrase but I kind of do it myself sometimes and then enjoy being gently teased into having sex) then perhaps you need to have a serious talk with DP about how much this has upset you and why. Could you agree to have a safe word which definitely, always and immediately means no?

limon · 27/03/2017 15:31

You've been sexuallybassaulted at best- he's attempted to rape you at worst. Yanbu.