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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious ! And to ask how to respond to this email?

202 replies

ApoplecticRage · 27/03/2017 11:43

I'm NC with DH's sister and her husband - they have been vile to me in the past and can be openly rude and nasty.

I'm a sensitive person and against the brashness and entitled behaviour of DH's sister , I do not fare well and it makes me resentful and bitter of how they treat me - I've gone NC and I'm so much happier .

For context , I get on fabulously with other members of DH family including his parents and grandparents.

DH is well aware of my feelings and I've told him numerous times to ensure he facilitates contact with his niece (it was all done by me previously). He hasn't.

Yesterday was his niece's birthday. I've not seen DH's sister and her family for quite a while .

This morning I've received an email from DH sister asking why I forgot niece's birthday and says she was very upset (hard to believe as DH barely knows her ).

The email goes on to say how I am causing a rift in the family , how I make no effort with them and how it's impacting on the niece .

There was no mention of DH (her brother!) it was all my wrong doing.

It signs off with "please don't try to pass the buck on to (DH) - you know what men are like for dealing with these things!"

Angry Angry

DH is at work and I've text him asking if he sent a gift for neice - his reply :

"Oops I forgot - can you order something from Amazon?"

WIBU unreasonable to tell them both to get lost ?!

I thought I'd resolved the issue of everything being my fault when I went NC. Hmm

OP posts:
EweAreHere · 28/03/2017 21:40

Can't wait to see what DH sends her at this point.
My money's on an Amazon gift certificate. It's what my DH usually ends up sending to our (his side) nieces. :)

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 28/03/2017 21:49

This is not acceptable- most wives do need to remind husbands about gifts etc.

Shock Confused

Gawd. However do the unmarried ones cope?

Daydream007 · 28/03/2017 21:54

She sounds vile. Ignore her email and don't rise to her bait.

Mrspiggy456 · 28/03/2017 22:46

Don't reply to the email-that's what she'll be wanting you to do. Knowing what you used to be like, she'll be expecting you to apologise, it'll really piss her off if she doesn't get anything back.
As for DH, I wouldn't order anything, then if he asks you if you did you can say 'oops, I forgot'!! 😁

gaaahhhh · 28/03/2017 23:18

Was the niece upset she didn't get a present? Or was sisterinlaw upset? How old is the niece? Do they get you presents?why has the grabbyness not been addressed?

gaaahhhh · 28/03/2017 23:19

A £2 coins sellotaped to a 'sorry it's late' card still wig the 29p sticker on the back should suffice, no?

Maybe don't put enough stamps on as an added extra so they have to pay to receive it.

Sparklyglitter · 28/03/2017 23:21

I like the suggestion to reply saying I think you meant this to go to DH and cc him in.
Either ignore his text, say you are busy or no he can do it himself! Xx

S4RA · 29/03/2017 00:07

Copy and paste HecateAntaia

BecauseItDoesMatter · 29/03/2017 07:32

I wouldnt respond to the email either, and would def not buy a present!

There are more civilised ways to communicate and you deserve none of that shit.

ringlingsisters · 29/03/2017 07:35

Don't reply - she will just use it as ammo and escalate the issue. Fwd email to DH, then it's up to him if he wants to organise present. Then forget about it. No more headspace.

welovepancakes · 29/03/2017 07:59

most wives do need to remind husbands about gifts etc If you are a SAHM and it's agreed that you do all the household stuff, then yes maybe

If you both work, then No. Men are capable of doing what they consider important.

blueistheonlycolourwefeel · 29/03/2017 08:08

I've got a SIL like this. One example - I tried to organise joint presents for all the children in the family at Christmas - there's 4 of them, so instead of having to all fork out more than we could afford to buy them a present each, we could all put £10 in a kitty and buy them one decent present between us.
My SIL didn't reply to this, but I know she saw it as Facebook tells you who has looked at it!
She sent a message via my MIL that they didn't want to get involved and didn't mind if no one bought their 6 month old a present.
Fast forward to Christmas, we stuck to the agreement. They bought my son a chocolate selection box and then got really offended that we didn't buy their baby a present?!
I ignored them. It's my partner's brother and wife. She deals with it by ignoring their entitled behaviour and refuses to entertain their stupid ideas.
This is the smallest of a number of issues we have had with them. They now no longer come to family events and have cut themselves off and then moan that no one likes them! Bonkers!!!!

kateandme · 29/03/2017 19:59

why is it so one must or the other.in a relationship maybe he thought you might and you thought he would.its always "its his family"his job hs side of thigns.a reltiosnhip is being together and perhaps thinking that way.so you didn't think and neither did he.maybe being a unit,a family we should all think of these things and so when we don't its on both of us together to say "oh shit hun"smile and then move on to deal with it together.oh one can but dream and right my chic lit novel on it....

frieda909 · 29/03/2017 21:58

kateandme Did you miss the whole part where OP isn't on good terms with her sister in law and in fact doesn't speak to her at all? Or the part where SIL specifically blamed OP for forgetting and said not to 'pass the buck' to her own brother?

Blueink · 30/03/2017 00:09

What do u hope to achieve by being furious and a petty response? You could instead find the opportunity in her making contact with you now to build bridges in the family. Her communication was no worse in your post than your husband's. However she is going about it, from her e-mail it seems she wants a relationship with you. Maybe her daughter is upset that her aunt isn't present in her life? Isn't a functioning family more important?

mumto2two · 30/03/2017 07:31

from her email it seems she wants a relationship with you ??
Seriously?! I don't think this tone of email even warrants a response..petty or otherwise!
Bridges can't be built on hostile sentiment.
I do find it staggering how the 'female OH' should be deemed responsible for their male OH family correspondence. Fair enough if you are lucky enough to be treated with courtesy and respect, and your OH genuinely can't find the time or impetus of his own. But otherwise, it is lunacy to expect this.

Dozer · 30/03/2017 07:36

Posters saying that OP should sort out gifts should read Wifework!

magoria · 30/03/2017 07:43

If OP doesn't want to build bridges or have a relationship that is her right.

You can't be vile to someone and then expect them to be friends of you decide you want to.

The email was not an olive branch it was a have a dig, blame OP and accuse her of deliberately blocking DH or not doing her wife work in reminding his tiny male brain of the birthday of one of his fame.

OP isn't responsible for his actions nor being friends with someone out to be a cow to her.

wowfudge · 30/03/2017 07:53

I think the SIL's email shows she knows the OP is NC with her and this has hit a nerve so now she is lashing out. People like that never look at their own behaviour; it's always someone else's fault.

Bestthingever · 30/03/2017 08:00

Definitely don't reply. She sounds like she's spoiling for a fight with you.

slkk · 30/03/2017 08:02

Whatever you decide to reply (and personally I'd go with a snippy one liner with dh cced in), you need to block her or you will forever be bothered by this. And it will bother you for a long time. And you will be slightly anxious for a while each time when checking your mail. Just block and be freeeeeeeee

BarbarianMum · 30/03/2017 08:56

If you want to be non contact rather than feuding then you don't respond. Nc is exactly that. Block her and ignore. Anything else is just feeding the drama.

mumto2two · 30/03/2017 09:33

Agree with BarbarianMum
Don't fan the flames..let this little matchstick burn out on its own Wink

IAmNotAUserNumber · 30/03/2017 18:28

Would I be right in thinking that before you were NC and buying the gifts that it was DH who got the credit for the gift giving? Hmm

yerbutnobut · 30/03/2017 21:01

As others have said don't respond to her email, its what she wants, it will probably get under her skin to be ignored.
DH i would just remind him that you're his wife not PA!