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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious ! And to ask how to respond to this email?

202 replies

ApoplecticRage · 27/03/2017 11:43

I'm NC with DH's sister and her husband - they have been vile to me in the past and can be openly rude and nasty.

I'm a sensitive person and against the brashness and entitled behaviour of DH's sister , I do not fare well and it makes me resentful and bitter of how they treat me - I've gone NC and I'm so much happier .

For context , I get on fabulously with other members of DH family including his parents and grandparents.

DH is well aware of my feelings and I've told him numerous times to ensure he facilitates contact with his niece (it was all done by me previously). He hasn't.

Yesterday was his niece's birthday. I've not seen DH's sister and her family for quite a while .

This morning I've received an email from DH sister asking why I forgot niece's birthday and says she was very upset (hard to believe as DH barely knows her ).

The email goes on to say how I am causing a rift in the family , how I make no effort with them and how it's impacting on the niece .

There was no mention of DH (her brother!) it was all my wrong doing.

It signs off with "please don't try to pass the buck on to (DH) - you know what men are like for dealing with these things!"

Angry Angry

DH is at work and I've text him asking if he sent a gift for neice - his reply :

"Oops I forgot - can you order something from Amazon?"

WIBU unreasonable to tell them both to get lost ?!

I thought I'd resolved the issue of everything being my fault when I went NC. Hmm

OP posts:
unlucky83 · 27/03/2017 12:22

Hmmm - I think I would be tempted to reply - to apologise ...really apologise. Take the wind out of her sails. Say it is completely your fault etc...something like DH said he had a good idea for a present and was going to get it -and then he must have forgotten - but you are so sorry for not reminding him. It won't happen again etc.

She has sent that to you to upset you - whatever else you do she will try use it to show how 'difficult' you are...if you apologise (try not to go so over the top it seems sarcastic) she hasn't a leg to stand on...how can she say you are causing problems when all you did was apologise? (It will probably really piss her off - but then she can't complain about it can she...)
Then have a word with your DH - he should get a present and take it round - make sure he sees the email she sent you...and your reply...

ProseccoBitch · 27/03/2017 12:23

YANBU.

Do not reply, don't do anything. You have gone NC so stick with it.

Applebite · 27/03/2017 12:26

I have similar issues with a total Lunatic of a SIL. She's said awful things to and about me, my DP and DC (whom she has never met), my DF and has used my DM (whom she also never met) to make her nasty little points.

My advice on this sort of unpleasantness is this: she has sent that email because she wants a fight. You could be the love child of Shakespeare and Keats, with Hilary mantel and queen jilly as your grandparents - still, nothing you could write back would be as eloquent as silence!!

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/03/2017 12:29

Applebite Couldn't agree more.

Bluntness100 · 27/03/2017 12:30

Op, could it be a case she does not know you have went no contact and why? Has anyone explained it to them? I'd assume from that letter she has no clue,just thinks she hadn't heard from you for awhile and doesn't understand why or why you guys didn't recognise your own nieces birthday.

It also doesn't seem your husband has went no contact too but is just crap at remembering.

I'd ask him to explain you are no contact and why. However he wishes to retain contact and all communications are through him in future.

FrenchLavender · 27/03/2017 12:32

copy her in and forward to DH with a cutting one-liner. Something like: 'Here. Your sister thinks you are an incompetent twat'.

Oh god, yes, that is utterly perfect. Do it.

EpoxyResin · 27/03/2017 12:32

Yeah, I'm just another one of those posters who'd reply with "Nothing to do with me, love".

I'd also reply to dh "Nope, this one's all yours!". But there are definitely more constructive options.. and pithier ones.

SecretsInSpitalfield · 27/03/2017 12:33

Noooo! Wrong advice! (Sorry unlucky 😜) She shouldn't bow down to her! It would be what she wants.

skincarejunkie · 27/03/2017 12:34

HeCate - you've made my morning! Amazon doesn't require a vagina! I'm so using this with my DH in the future!

OP - sorry you feel like this. Tell Dh how it makes you feel and ask him to deal with it. Try not to stress - Inlaws are a forced relationship and that can cause so many stresses. Try not to let it ruin your day.

kimann · 27/03/2017 12:35

I would forward on to DH and copy sil in;

Hi DH - please see below.

Regards
Fucked off wife.

flippinada · 27/03/2017 12:38

No wonder you're no contact!

From past experience of dealing with folk like this, she sent this because she wants a reaction. Don't rise to the bait and ignore. And definitely don't get involved in choosing/sending presents - that's not your responsibility. For peace of mind, I'd also block her emails.

WatchingFromTheWings · 27/03/2017 12:39

copy her in and forward to DH with a cutting one-liner. Something like: 'Here. Your sister thinks you are an incompetent twat'.

^^please do this!!

TheMysteriousJackelope · 27/03/2017 12:39

I agree with previous posters, forward the email to your DH and copy your SIL.

She is sexist apart from anything else. Men are perfectly capable of buying presents for people's birthdays, if they want to be bothered, same as women.

Don't give her a long reply, do you want to get sucked in again? You should be glad she doesn't like you. Just imagine if she did and you had to deal with that multiple times a week.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 27/03/2017 12:41

Another vote for the incompetent twat email!

tabbymog · 27/03/2017 12:46

Can you set up a filter in your emailer to automatically forward all her emails direct to your DH and delete them from your email server simultaneously so that you never see them anyway? Then he gets the aggro and sees the problem firsthand, you stay NC. If she p**s him off he knows what to do about it.

SapphireStrange · 27/03/2017 12:47

Tell your DH no; he can order something for his niece if he wishes.

Forward on their email and add that you'll be having nothing to do with it.

flippinada · 27/03/2017 12:50

Tempting as it might be, sending the incompetent twat email probably isn't a good idea because it'll inflame the situation and cause more unpleasantness for the OP.

SapphireStrange · 27/03/2017 12:52

I agree, ada. You'd just get involved in the drama. Not worth it.

DragonFire99 · 27/03/2017 12:55

I'd forward it to your entire family who has email. Then block her. She's a twat.

Your dh needs to step up and sort things with his own family - lazy arse.

eddielizzard · 27/03/2017 12:56

i'd just forward to dh and cc sil saying 'fyi'

although i agree incompetent twat is a lot better.

scampimom · 27/03/2017 12:57

I think I'd reply with just, "That's nice, dear"

MyCatIsTryingToKillMe · 27/03/2017 13:00

I vote for the incompetent twat email with no direct message to her.

Goldmandra · 27/03/2017 13:02

Forward her email to DH with the words "Please see below"

CC SIL & ignore.

Let him deal with it.

Do this^

No emotion. No insults. You aren't interested and you won't engage. This is nothing to do with you.

I know you're seething but keep that to yourself. Don't give her any reason to think you've done anything other than passed it on to your DH and forgotten about it.

Blatherskite · 27/03/2017 13:02

Just forward it to DH with SIL cc'd in and use the popular Mumsnet phrase "Not my circus, not my monkeys. Over to you dear"

Stormtreader · 27/03/2017 13:04

No contact should be no contact at all, any reply or interaction from you will feed her desire to be able to attack you.

Just forward it straight to him with no comment and copy her in, if she sees you are just a conduit to him and not engaging at all then eventually she will stop bothering.