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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious ! And to ask how to respond to this email?

202 replies

ApoplecticRage · 27/03/2017 11:43

I'm NC with DH's sister and her husband - they have been vile to me in the past and can be openly rude and nasty.

I'm a sensitive person and against the brashness and entitled behaviour of DH's sister , I do not fare well and it makes me resentful and bitter of how they treat me - I've gone NC and I'm so much happier .

For context , I get on fabulously with other members of DH family including his parents and grandparents.

DH is well aware of my feelings and I've told him numerous times to ensure he facilitates contact with his niece (it was all done by me previously). He hasn't.

Yesterday was his niece's birthday. I've not seen DH's sister and her family for quite a while .

This morning I've received an email from DH sister asking why I forgot niece's birthday and says she was very upset (hard to believe as DH barely knows her ).

The email goes on to say how I am causing a rift in the family , how I make no effort with them and how it's impacting on the niece .

There was no mention of DH (her brother!) it was all my wrong doing.

It signs off with "please don't try to pass the buck on to (DH) - you know what men are like for dealing with these things!"

Angry Angry

DH is at work and I've text him asking if he sent a gift for neice - his reply :

"Oops I forgot - can you order something from Amazon?"

WIBU unreasonable to tell them both to get lost ?!

I thought I'd resolved the issue of everything being my fault when I went NC. Hmm

OP posts:
ShastaBeast · 27/03/2017 11:58

I suspect we've had similar, albeit behind our backs. We marry our partners not their friends and family, we don't take over their responsibilities to those people. My DH is also useless with stuff like that, we've had a couple of comments which imply he's a door mat and I control him. It's far from reality, he is just crap and I'm not reminding him anymore. He may be a doormat with them but that's because he can't be arsed with them, it's not a reflection of our marriage. People like to create their own stories to suit their agenda.

DoveBlue · 27/03/2017 12:00

I'd mock up one of those auto replies.

This email is no longer used please forward any important correspondance to [email protected]
(Your DH email address)

Then she will think it has not even reached you. Save it and resend if she or any random emails come your way over next few days

She can then moan to the right person!

Hillarious · 27/03/2017 12:02

Don't let it cause a rift between you and DH. Order something together tonight and let it be sent in his name. She doesn't need to know about your involvement in this. If you did always do this for him before, he might just need a few more reminders.

SteppingOnToes · 27/03/2017 12:03

Ignore the email and pretend it went into junk and you never received it. If she complains suggest she should communicate like a human being in future not a spam bot ;)

Inertia · 27/03/2017 12:03

Agree with PPs - ignore the sister and forward the email to your H. Then reply to his text saying no, and it will become clear when he reads the email from her.

Being non-contact means not responding to her as well as not making contact. Let her sort it out with her own brother.

SteppingOnToes · 27/03/2017 12:04

Actually DoveBlue's idea is better

HashiAsLarry · 27/03/2017 12:04

I'd be tempted to forward it to DH, CCing SIL in saying:
Not my circus, not my monkeys

But I prefer the incompetent twat response Grin

diddl · 27/03/2017 12:04

"'Here. Your sister thinks you are an incompetent twat'."

Absolutely.

"Oops I forgot - can you order something from Amazon?"

Sounds as if she might have a point!!

ChicRock · 27/03/2017 12:05

Since BIL cheated on his wife last year and she subsequently divorced him, it's become clear that it was her that dealt with all of the 'occasions' within our family, as none of us have had anything more than a Facebook acknowledgement from BIL on birthdays, no birthday cards or Christmas presents for the kids, etc.

Of course, his birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks, and now he's a sad-sack all alone and doesn't have his wife to make a fuss he's trying to generate his own birthday fuss, mentioning it every day, trying to get a big family meal organised, and funnily enough nobody is that arsed about it Hmm

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/03/2017 12:06

Um, no, please don't involved in ordering anything and pretending he made the effort! You're NC. That means no presents. No effort. No contact.

Don't reply to her. She'll be far more annoyed at the lack of response and anything you could respond with will only add fuel to the unnecessary fire and give her an excuse to slag you off.

You DH is may not be a knobhead normally but he is about this. He well knows you're NC with them and is being a cheeky fucker to try and drag you back in to the mess. Either ignore his stupid message completely or reply No. Then don't discuss it again.

Who are these fucking people?! Well done for walking away and protecting yourself.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 27/03/2017 12:06

amazon does not require a vagina for ordering purposes.

Genius! Grin I want that on a t shirt.

This is the second thread today where an OP is in trouble with the extended family for perceived Wifework/ dh's social secretary and PA failure.

RufusTheRenegadeReindeer · 27/03/2017 12:06

I like histiny or morphenes answers

Or

"Sorry...who is this?"

Mumzypopz · 27/03/2017 12:06

This may sound silly, but is she actually aware you have chosen to be no contact with her, or to her is this an ongoing saga. If you feel she should know you are no contact, I would simply respond to her "I have been no contact with you since xxxxx due to your horrible behaviour towards me. It it not my responsibility to buy your daughter a gift. I have forwarded your email on to your brother who will take care if this if he wishes to. please do not contact me again.

RaeSkywalker · 27/03/2017 12:08

I'd not reply. Any kind of response will just add fuel to the fire. Save your energy.

SecretsInSpitalfield · 27/03/2017 12:11

My goodness I think we have the same SIL!

Please send back a cutting remark!

Then tell us!

SecretsInSpitalfield · 27/03/2017 12:12

This may sound silly, but is she actually aware you have chosen to be no contact with her, or to her is this an ongoing saga. If you feel she should know you are no contact, I would simply respond to her "I have been no contact with you since xxxxx due to your horrible behaviour towards me. It it not my responsibility to buy your daughter a gift. I have forwarded your email on to your brother who will take care if this if he wishes to. please do not contact me again.

^ this is great advice OP.

FrenchLavender · 27/03/2017 12:12

YADNBU.

You need to email her back with:

Dear SIL

It is not my responsibility to remember the birthday of someone I have no personal relationship with and no direct connection to. You'd I both know that if DH and I got divorced tomorrow I'd probably never see you or your child again. It would not be 'passing the buck' to blame your brother as it is his job to remember his niece's birthday and since you and I no longer have a relationship I don't feel inclined to remind him.

I am genuinely surprised that you do not understand that. In future if you have any issues with your brother, please speak directly to your brother. It is no longer my problem nor my business.

Apoplectic

BarbaraofSeville · 27/03/2017 12:12

Obviously it's not up to you to buy your DHs neice a present, but if you did, you could buy a copy of Wife Work for SIL while you are at it.

PrettyGoodLife · 27/03/2017 12:12

YANBU- she is being unacceptable and unpleasant. Protect yourself from her, DH needs to stand up for you.

FrenchLavender · 27/03/2017 12:12

you and I both know.

I do wish autocorrect would mind its own business. Hmm

Noregretsatall · 27/03/2017 12:13

^^ This!

Don't engage at all, she's looking for a fight. To not receive a response will irritate the fuck out of her.

Ignore, ignore, ignore, ignore......and the ignore a bit more.

Noregretsatall · 27/03/2017 12:13

That was referring to sky walker's post.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/03/2017 12:15

copy her in and forward to DH with a cutting one-liner. Something like: 'Here. Your sister thinks you are an incompetent twat'.
Please please do this!
Perfect!

Mulberry72 · 27/03/2017 12:16

Forward her email to DH with the words "Please see below"

CC SIL & ignore.

Let him deal with it.

JaneEyre70 · 27/03/2017 12:18

Honestly, block her email address. Then delete the email.
Let your dh deal with it. His family. His problem.
Life's too short.