Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious ! And to ask how to respond to this email?

202 replies

ApoplecticRage · 27/03/2017 11:43

I'm NC with DH's sister and her husband - they have been vile to me in the past and can be openly rude and nasty.

I'm a sensitive person and against the brashness and entitled behaviour of DH's sister , I do not fare well and it makes me resentful and bitter of how they treat me - I've gone NC and I'm so much happier .

For context , I get on fabulously with other members of DH family including his parents and grandparents.

DH is well aware of my feelings and I've told him numerous times to ensure he facilitates contact with his niece (it was all done by me previously). He hasn't.

Yesterday was his niece's birthday. I've not seen DH's sister and her family for quite a while .

This morning I've received an email from DH sister asking why I forgot niece's birthday and says she was very upset (hard to believe as DH barely knows her ).

The email goes on to say how I am causing a rift in the family , how I make no effort with them and how it's impacting on the niece .

There was no mention of DH (her brother!) it was all my wrong doing.

It signs off with "please don't try to pass the buck on to (DH) - you know what men are like for dealing with these things!"

Angry Angry

DH is at work and I've text him asking if he sent a gift for neice - his reply :

"Oops I forgot - can you order something from Amazon?"

WIBU unreasonable to tell them both to get lost ?!

I thought I'd resolved the issue of everything being my fault when I went NC. Hmm

OP posts:
kastiekastie · 28/03/2017 18:12

Maybe forward the email with a lighthearted 'haha I think someone forgot to tell your sister we are in the 21st century' and leave it at that. These things are so hard with family.
Also agree block her for future.

JS06 · 28/03/2017 18:13

I'd forward email to DH, cc to the sister with 3 words in email.

"Over To You"

Good luck, hang on in there.

Craigie · 28/03/2017 18:15

You husband is being a dick, but although you might not like her parents, it's not your niece's fault that you hate her parents so YABU to take it out on her. Would it have killed you to remind your husband about the upcoming birthday if you know he'd forget?

ohidoliketobebesidethecoast · 28/03/2017 18:19

I would simply reply to her, copying in DH and state "I've copied this email to DH to deal with, don't contact me again".
^this. Don't say 'apologies' or 'I'm sorry but..', you aren't sorry because its not your problem, and even forwarding the email is good of you in the circumstances! And tell your DH to do it himself :-).

sueystev · 28/03/2017 18:20

i have told my two kids 14 and 18 you can choose your friends but you are stuck with family thru thick and thin so you make the best of it.make it how you want it to be..

Lazyafternoon · 28/03/2017 18:21

Personally I think family is really important and blocking/completely deleting out your life seems such a shame. Yes they may behave like a spoilt brat and be rude/offensive but not giving them the opportunity to right wrongs in future seems a bit of an over reaction. My dad lost touch with his sister (my aunt) over something and 40years on no one can remember what. So I don't know my aunt or cousins and feel really sad about it.

However, personally, in this case. I'd probably forward to DH and Cc SIL saying something like
'I think SIL sent this to my email by mistake as I'm sure she knows you do presents for your side of the family'

dstill1964 · 28/03/2017 18:22

Had to reply to this as don't have much to do with some of IL. No matter what goes on between them you will always be the one to blame for it. My OH put the phone down on his SIL about 5 years ago and it still managed to be me who somehow had done it(Ambidextrous with a cordless ) I have cut most of them from my life and it's so much sweeter for it. If u react to this then the balls in their court. Maybe forward to your partners email with a little comment making it clear that your partner had agreed to sort it.?

ohidoliketobebesidethecoast · 28/03/2017 18:30

but not giving them the opportunity to right wrongs in future seems a bit of an over reaction.
For all we know, the OP would carefully consider an email offering the olive branch, but this email was rude, and clearly nothing like that was going on!

jsmith17 · 28/03/2017 18:47

What is NC?

deadpool99 · 28/03/2017 18:50

Yanbu. If DH can't be bothered to stay in touch or a buy present then that's his problem. Not surprised you are NC with her if this is how she deals with things. She is very rude and sounds like she wants to stir up more trouble. Looking for a fight.
DH always forgets about these kind of things, even after I remind him. There is no excuse for it other than it's just not that high on his priority list.

FlouncingInAWinterWonderland · 28/03/2017 18:55

NC = No Contact

gaaahhhh · 28/03/2017 19:15

Ignore and just enjoy being NC. The beauty of being NC is that you can just ignore these emails as you have decided not to contact her.

If she does ring or somehow make you engage in conversation, just say what a pp said, 'we sort our own sides of the family out.'

Scotland32 · 28/03/2017 19:19

Just be careful as she may well be trying to undermine your relationship with DH.
So don't show her that you think he should have dealt with this as it may give her cause to think there is tension between you and DH over it.
I would simply forward the email to DH, copying her in, along the lines others have suggested, saying:
Your sister seems to think you are incapable of simple tasks. Naturally I don't, so I didn't buy the gift because I know that you would have done it yourself if you'd wanted to.
Something like that anyway....

BonnyScotland · 28/03/2017 19:21

well done ... you handled this very well Lady x

deedeegee · 28/03/2017 19:48

I agree that it'snot your problem- forward DH the email and get him to d/w. Meanwhile reply to her saying you hadn't forgotten but not your responsibility as DH is d/w!
Don't get drawn in!!!

GreenPeppers · 28/03/2017 20:01

I would t reply to SIL as the OP has made it clear that she has gone NC.
The SIL can contact her all she wants, I think it's only fair that the OP doesn't answer back.
Forwarding the email to her DH was already a nice thing to do.

paxillin · 28/03/2017 20:17

I would send an email back saying "your brother's email address is [email protected]".

MangoBiscuit · 28/03/2017 20:30

I would have forwarded it to DH, with SIL cc'd in. Then I would have blocked her email address.

Hia3 · 28/03/2017 20:41

I would ignore and not communicate with her at all.

But it's not really fair on your nieces ( obviously blood related to your husband) - not to recieve a Birthday card or small gift.

This is not acceptable- most wives do need to remind husbands about gifts etc.

You will make the family situation worse - your in laws ( nieces Grandparents, will get up set to).

If you don't like his sister fine, but it's not acceptable to ignore nieces Birthdays- very petty!

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 28/03/2017 20:47

I would reply saying that due the dramaticness of SIL that you had agreed with OH that he would be responsible as you no longer felt possible to communicate. I would then say that you're not passing the buck but just stating facts. I would then reply saying that all further emails will be sent to the junk folder in your email and will remain unread.

gribak · 28/03/2017 20:48

Tell your DH to sort out the present himself - cheeky of him to expect you to!! Does he really think you have nothing better to do?? I would be most cross with him for not taking ownership of the situation, given that it is his family!!

gribak · 28/03/2017 20:51

PS " Most wives do need to remind husbands about gifts" Seriously, are we in the dark ages.... Husbands can blooming well remember their own gift buying, and take the rap when they forget!! I have 3 jobs, 3 kids, and am super busy. No way do I see it as my responsibility to check on whether my husband has remembered gifts and birthdays! I do my family, he does his... fair do's.

Icapturethecast1e · 28/03/2017 21:09

You need to forward your husbands text msgs to your sil so she knows he forgot about bday present & it had nothing to do with you. At least if she confronts him he'll have to react.

Judbarian · 28/03/2017 21:18

"You're not my problem, if dh wants to remember her birthday that's up to him, I don't care. Same if you die, he can go to your funeral if he wants, I won't, you're not a part of my life and never will be. Don't contact me again."

Be blunt. Then never reply. And stop apologising and fretting. The whole point of cutting people out is to cut!!!

mumto2two · 28/03/2017 21:18

How flipping rude!
Having done similar with some of DH's family over the past year, am half expecting the same!
Stopped doing all the cards/presents palava with kids of cousins and an aunt who was always openly rude, I decided he could revert to dealing with them himself. Had 12 messages from his aunt left on the answering phone at Xmas wanting to know why I wasn't giving him his messages?! And has he contacted her yet?? Nope!