Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious ! And to ask how to respond to this email?

202 replies

ApoplecticRage · 27/03/2017 11:43

I'm NC with DH's sister and her husband - they have been vile to me in the past and can be openly rude and nasty.

I'm a sensitive person and against the brashness and entitled behaviour of DH's sister , I do not fare well and it makes me resentful and bitter of how they treat me - I've gone NC and I'm so much happier .

For context , I get on fabulously with other members of DH family including his parents and grandparents.

DH is well aware of my feelings and I've told him numerous times to ensure he facilitates contact with his niece (it was all done by me previously). He hasn't.

Yesterday was his niece's birthday. I've not seen DH's sister and her family for quite a while .

This morning I've received an email from DH sister asking why I forgot niece's birthday and says she was very upset (hard to believe as DH barely knows her ).

The email goes on to say how I am causing a rift in the family , how I make no effort with them and how it's impacting on the niece .

There was no mention of DH (her brother!) it was all my wrong doing.

It signs off with "please don't try to pass the buck on to (DH) - you know what men are like for dealing with these things!"

Angry Angry

DH is at work and I've text him asking if he sent a gift for neice - his reply :

"Oops I forgot - can you order something from Amazon?"

WIBU unreasonable to tell them both to get lost ?!

I thought I'd resolved the issue of everything being my fault when I went NC. Hmm

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 27/03/2017 13:05

I'll forward it to DH but he is so weak , he will agree it's uncalled for and then forget about it

What? He will agree that what your SIL is saying about it being your job to sort presents is uncalled for?

Does she know you are NC with her-she appears not to?! Perhaps you should tell her!

MamaSchmama · 27/03/2017 13:07

"Dear SIL, I am copying your message to DH. We have an agreement that we will each take responsibility for cards and gifts for the people on our side of the family. Best wishes, X"

RitaMills · 27/03/2017 13:11

Love histinyhandsarefrozen advice, please do this!

SomethingBorrowed · 27/03/2017 13:15

copy her in and forward to DH with a cutting one-liner. Something like: 'Here. Your sister thinks you are an incompetent twat'
Another vote for this one. Or just fw with no comment but still cc her.

floraeasy · 27/03/2017 13:16

Tell him amazon does not require a vagina for ordering purposes

Grin
MrsLupo · 27/03/2017 13:26

Lots of excellent suggestions for how to respond!

I hate the expectation on women to sort this sort of stuff out. If it makes you feel any better, I have a similar relationship with my SIL, and a DP who is similarly useless at sorting presents etc out. Things came to a head last Christmas when I spent bloody ages finding lovely presents for two nieces I never see and hardly know, wrapped them beautifully and made sure MIL had them in time for them to have them for Christmas Day, only for thank you notes to arrive addressed solely to DP, who had done bugger all, like every other year. Just rude! So I guess they won't be getting anything at all this coming year, as I won't be making the effort ever again, and I'm damn sure he won't miraculously take up the baton.

In his favour, he is also NC with SIL because of her behaviour in the past, and I think in your shoes I would be wanting a bit more support over that.

Firesuit · 27/03/2017 13:31

I don't know why so many people like the "incompetent twat" idea. Clearly that's not what the SIL thinks, and a PA misrepresentation of her views seems a bit weak to me.

It looks like NC has not been done properly, as SIL appears not to know her status, and OP email has not had a rule set to deal with SIL emails appropriately.

itsmine · 27/03/2017 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/03/2017 13:41

The best answer in these cases is no answer.

Partly because it won't open a dialogue. Partly because it spares you the angst and partly and this is the best bit it will drive her nuts

aginghippy · 27/03/2017 13:52

The best answer in these cases is no answer.

Emailing her or copying her into an email to dh is a form of contact. If you are truly NC, you do not respond in any way.

Also, as pp suggests, set a rule in your email so her messages are automatically deleted.

nat73 · 27/03/2017 13:54

I would forward the email to him and text her to say that DH is aware she is upset he forgot and he will order something tonight.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/03/2017 13:55

Don't respond. It's what she wants and she'll use any response (even an abject apology) as fuel for her fire. No response at all will mean she just sits and stews in her own juices.

You need to set up an 'auto response' that sends a message 'This email account has been deactivated' if she emails you again. It's up to you whether you want to actually block her messages. I would if all it did was piss me off when I heard from them. I wouldn't want to give any head space to someone who has treated me so badly.

Original poster
ApoplecticRage · 27/03/2017 13:55

I've been out to the supermarket so I've just caught up Brew

I've not replied to her email but have forwarded it to DH .

I said no to DH about ordering and he came off a bit huffy asking why , you're at home etc .

So I used the vagina line Wink
He has not replied and is clearly annoyed . Frankly I don't care !

SIL does know why I'm NC - I explained after her last stirring incident that it was better for me to not be involved anymore and to speak to her brother in future .

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 27/03/2017 13:56

The best answer in these cases is no answer.
Emailing her or copying her into an email to dh is a form of contact. If you are truly NC, you do not respond in any way.
Also, as pp suggests, set a rule in your email so her messages are automatically deleted

this OP. really true. as once you file away the email, and do the above you will start to calm down

reply, and anxiety rises

Its his fucking family, let him handle it

SapphireStrange · 27/03/2017 13:59

Good for you, OP. Let him be annoyed.

stonecircle · 27/03/2017 14:00

I so love the incompetent twat response. It sounds like you really can't be arsed to engage, but still gets the message across. Much much better than a long reply.

For years my PILs didn't get Xmas/birthday presents on time - or at all. I found it quite sad, but I did/do all the present buying for my own family and our dcs. DH as an only child only had to buy for his parents (and me!) So I stood firm, and refused to do it for him - even though I felt like a heel on occasions. And I liked them!

AnneOfCleavage · 27/03/2017 14:02

As you are NC with SIL and her family you would be mad to break it by responding to this, quite frankly, rude email.

I must know though, what is "So I used the vagina line" as this sounds interesting as I've never come across that before!! Grin

ohfourfoxache · 27/03/2017 14:02

Let him huff - fucking arsehole expecting you to sort presents for his family that you are NC with Hmm

RandomMess · 27/03/2017 14:05

My SIL pulled this stunt on me even though his family is 100% clear that he is responsible for gifts etc for his family and me mine.

She was vile, DH pulled her up on it, she has gone NC with us - result!

Feel sorry for MIL but if SIL had been pulled up on a brat like behaviour by her parents perhaps it wouldn't have got like this. His family have hurt the both of us so much over the years and we don't miss it at all!

paddypants13 · 27/03/2017 14:06

I'd delete and block her. You've reminded your dh so you don't need to do anything else.

Your silence will pee her right off!

frieda909 · 27/03/2017 14:15

Ugh. Nope nope nope! My ex always made it 'my job' to remember all his nieces and nephews' birthdays and choose presents for them all. He'd get pissed off with me if I ever forgot. I really wonder how he's fared since I left him!

I agree that the best reply is no reply at all, but personally I'd be tempted to at least forward it to him and CC her in. But if you can stay strong and avoid replying at all then I think you'll feel better in the long run.

Therealjudgejudy · 27/03/2017 14:28

Ignore the sil. Not your problem and will drive her mad.

And why on earth does your husband expect you to sort out presents for HIS family members that you have nc with? You are totally nbu to be pissed off about that.

Topseyt · 27/03/2017 14:55

I would ignore.

Certainly don't apologise as someone else suggested. That would come across as wishy washy and set you up as a doormat.

I like the response to DH about Amazon not requiring a vagina for ordering purposes. Do that. Copy SIL in if you must, but do not direct your response to her.

floraeasy · 27/03/2017 15:03

I said no to DH about ordering and he came off a bit huffy asking why , you're at home etc

Being at home does not mean you have bags of free time. Nor does it means you would know what to get. He'll get over it. Good on you for not giving in!

DistanceCall · 27/03/2017 15:12

Christ. Are you sure you want to stay with this man?

Swipe left for the next trending thread