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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious ! And to ask how to respond to this email?

202 replies

ApoplecticRage · 27/03/2017 11:43

I'm NC with DH's sister and her husband - they have been vile to me in the past and can be openly rude and nasty.

I'm a sensitive person and against the brashness and entitled behaviour of DH's sister , I do not fare well and it makes me resentful and bitter of how they treat me - I've gone NC and I'm so much happier .

For context , I get on fabulously with other members of DH family including his parents and grandparents.

DH is well aware of my feelings and I've told him numerous times to ensure he facilitates contact with his niece (it was all done by me previously). He hasn't.

Yesterday was his niece's birthday. I've not seen DH's sister and her family for quite a while .

This morning I've received an email from DH sister asking why I forgot niece's birthday and says she was very upset (hard to believe as DH barely knows her ).

The email goes on to say how I am causing a rift in the family , how I make no effort with them and how it's impacting on the niece .

There was no mention of DH (her brother!) it was all my wrong doing.

It signs off with "please don't try to pass the buck on to (DH) - you know what men are like for dealing with these things!"

Angry Angry

DH is at work and I've text him asking if he sent a gift for neice - his reply :

"Oops I forgot - can you order something from Amazon?"

WIBU unreasonable to tell them both to get lost ?!

I thought I'd resolved the issue of everything being my fault when I went NC. Hmm

OP posts:
AlmaMartyr · 28/03/2017 08:29

I would just ignore, any response will be fuel to the fire. We've had this sort of thing with MIL - she wants you to engage. You've let your DH know, now block her email and try not to think about it any more.

floraeasy · 28/03/2017 10:28

How old is the niece?

How did DH manage to buy his niece presents before you married him?

Rainydayspending · 28/03/2017 10:42

*redexpat

Order neice a copy of wifework*
Best idea yet.

Inertia · 28/03/2017 14:22

Or Toxic Parents ...

Inertia · 28/03/2017 14:23

Though to be fair SIL could be a perfectly adequate parent, just a horrible SIL.

GlitteryFluff · 28/03/2017 14:28

I agree with ignore
As long as your DH doesn't blame you for late present for whatever reason!

welovepancakes · 28/03/2017 14:37

Dear SIL, I am copying your message to DH. We have an agreement that we will each take responsibility for cards and gifts for the people on our side of the family. Best wishes, X

Another vote for this email

FlouncingInAWinterWonderland · 28/03/2017 14:46

Now is the bit that takes every bit of strength and dignity.

You've been upset, you've told your DH, you've made the decision to go no contact.

Disengage fully.

Delete emails, don't give them headspace. Set up email rules so they register as spam and you don't see them - they'll go straight to trash. Block mobile numbers. Yes, I know it isn't that easy but discussing it with DH lets all that emotion well back up that you'd done well to push out and move away from.

In future don't phone DH and say he needs to buy niece a present, you're no contact. You made and settled on that decision it just isn't your problem. Family know this. Don't get drawn into the game.

Right now do something positive for you. Buy a magazine, sit down and drink a cup of tea, buy some flowers, do anything to distract yourself and refocus on what's important, you.

floraeasy · 28/03/2017 14:55

^ Great post.

lorelairoryemily · 28/03/2017 14:59

What *winter wonderland said

Deathraystare · 28/03/2017 15:14

I would simply reply to her, copying in DH and state "I've copied this email to DH to deal with, don't contact me again".

NOOOOO. No contaact means no contact. Hubby must pull his bloody finger out. Fucker.

BorrowedHeart · 28/03/2017 17:01

Why is her husband a fucker? If he doesn't want to deal with it then that's his choosing, op just completely ignore the sis.

c0lette · 28/03/2017 17:23

YANBU!

5foot5 · 28/03/2017 17:27

I do totally agree that YANBU.
It is your DH's responsibility to sort this out and there is no reason you should bail him out on this.

I am torn between the response of not answering the email or just responding with a terse one-liner.

However, one thing that worries me slightly:

For context , I get on fabulously with other members of DH family including his parents and grandparents

Do you think there is any possibility now that SIL will go bad-mouthing you to the rest of the family and stirring up ill-feeling against you? Do the rest of you know you are NC with SIL and why? Aren't they bound to take their own DDs side in this?

I don't know the answer to any of these and I am not for a minute suggesting you back down, but maybe you should be prepared for this to have ramifications.

ArvidsDaddy · 28/03/2017 17:36

How about just simply "Ooops, delivery of our present might have been delayed" and order it.

It is a relationship you have to keep, and it sounds like she is not worth you more effort than just getting by. No need to waste time or emotion who is not worth it.

OneSecondAfter · 28/03/2017 17:41

If you told her that you are "NC" with her and she's still sending you emails like this instead of her brother, then she 100% is looking for drama. PLEASE don't respond to her at all. That's exactly what she wants.

Now that you've forwarded the email to your DH, the ball is in his court. If he wishes to buy his niece a present, he can. If he doesn't, then that's his choice. Nothing to do with you whatsoever anymore.

SusieOwl4 · 28/03/2017 17:47

I agree with borrowed heart. Try not to let this cause an argument between you otherwise she will win. Just say to him , do you want me to remind you and help buy a present for your niece in the future ? If so I will help (not do it all) but I won't put up with emails like this so I will be ignoring the rudeness , for now. But if it happens again I won't be so forgiving.

IMO . Only because my dH would not have a clue what to buy a niece. He will buy for our grandson but only because he sees him all the time and would have an idea of what to buy.

Jaxhog · 28/03/2017 17:49

Delete the email. After printing it and setting fire to it. Very satisfying.

Reply to dh? Just 'no'.

floraeasy · 28/03/2017 17:52

DH is well aware of my feelings and I've told him numerous times to ensure he facilitates contact with his niece

Your DH needs to respect your wishes. He should know better than to ask you to order the present if he is aware of your feelings and why you have them.

Anniegetyourgun · 28/03/2017 17:53

How about just simply "Ooops, delivery of our present might have been delayed" and order it.

How about, fuck that shit? Life is too short to try to please assholes.

floraeasy · 28/03/2017 17:55

Delete the email. After printing it and setting fire to it. Very satisfying

Grin
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 28/03/2017 17:56

Ignore. She has successfully created angst and argument, which is exactly what you got NC to avoid. Auto delete is your friend.

ArvidsDaddy · 28/03/2017 18:01

How about, fuck that shit? Life is too short ...

Indeed, life is too short to feel miserable over someone not worth it.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/03/2017 18:03

Your NC, do not reply, just forward the e mail to him, and tell him its his job to order something for his niece.

NotForSale · 28/03/2017 18:06

Do we have the same crazy SIL?!
Honestly though, I'd reply with "Apologies but I will not engage with you any further" and cc to your brother. Avoid the temptation to fuel it (e.g. I will not engage with you any further as you're bat shit crazy)