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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is not on...

292 replies

OurFlo · 26/03/2017 21:56

Genuinely wondering if I'm BU to think that this is not on.
DP went out yesterday about 2pm to get flowers for his DM and pop into work. We had words on his way out as I was annoyed that he hadn't gone when I was working until 1pm. At 4pm his employee phoned me to ask where he was and then he called at 6pm to see if I was going to "have a go at him". He put the phone down on me and then didn't come home.
I rang him back at 9.15pm to find out where he was and he told me he was 15 miles away having a drink with his mate! He then rang me at 10.30 told me he wasn't coming home for me to "have a go at him". I told him he better come home, he slammed the phone down on me, turned it off and I haven't seen or spoke to him since.

AIBU to be mightily pissed off at the whole situation?
We go through this cycle every couple of months or so when he decides he's going out and then doesn't come home. I don't think that he should stay out all night. AIBU? I'm fed up with it, it's just so draining...

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 27/03/2017 19:18

That was a good call though, you spoke to him at a time and place of your choosing. It's when he respond to his attempts to access you that you give him control.

Well played, OP. Good instincts.

ohfourfoxache · 27/03/2017 19:19

Well done! You can relax a bit now, safe in the knowledge that he has no reason to turn up tonight

Reow · 27/03/2017 19:24

Well done OP Flowers

Have you got any spare £ tucked away that you could treat yourself with?

Sounds like you deserve a spa day and a nice bottle of fizz.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 27/03/2017 19:27

If he carries on like this you'll probably find it quite easy to get rid of him for gross misconduct. Make sure he is told in writing not to have contact with you at work, all through his manager.

ClemDanfango · 27/03/2017 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Moussemoose · 27/03/2017 19:33

Just read the thread.Flowers

Stay strong OP. You say you still love him, but is it him or the idea of him that you love. Is it the man you wish he was that you love.

Try to pull this idea apart and there may not be much love left.

Did that make any sense? Whatever, stay strong.

FireSquirrel · 27/03/2017 19:45

You're doing amazingly. Do not under any circumstances let him talk you round, he is a horrible emotionally abusive cunt and the fact that even the threat of ending the relationship hasn't spurred him into making any sort of apology or effort to mend things says it all.

If you have any more of his stuff, drop it at work or at his friend's house, don't give him any reason to come to your house. If you think there's any chance he will turn up at your house and kick off then phone the police now on the non emergency number and let them know the situation, that way if he does turn up then they are forewarned and you can ring 999 and they will come immediately. Keep the doors locked and chain on.

Don't hang onto a mistake just because you soent a lot of time making it. Rather than thinking about all the time you've invested in the relationship, look at it the other way round, the sooner you wash your hands of him the sooner you can get on with building your new happy life.

Heinousfauxpas · 27/03/2017 20:08

please don''t apologise for not taking advice OurFlo. Advice is there to be taken or not taken. And we arent on the scene so cant get an idea of circumstances that might arise. Well done for taking his stuff out the house to him. And hopefully his godawful response to 'fuck yourself', confirms that you are doing totally the right thing.

It isn't easy. It could easily be the hardest thing you will ever have to do. But your future wellbeing is worth this awful time. Flowers and a hug.

Original poster
OurFlo · 27/03/2017 20:27

Thanks all. Early night for me, DD will be home soon so food and bed!
I am finding it difficult, I won't lie but I think Mousse is right, it is the idea of him that I love.

Thank you for your sage words and for sharing your stories. It's good to hear from all of you that have got through it. I know the next few days and weeks will be tough but I have to steel myself for that and know it's coming.
You are all fab, I know he's all the things you've said and your words of encouragement have kept me on the path to being free of his toxicity. I'm starting to pity him.

OP posts:
Original poster
OurFlo · 27/03/2017 20:28

And should I start to waiver...I've got this thread to read from start to finish to remind me...it's been invaluable Flowers

OP posts:
Lozzie12 · 27/03/2017 20:31

I've no words to add, you've had such good advice, wishing you lots of strength over the next few days /weeks to get through this and find happiness.

Heinousfauxpas · 27/03/2017 20:31

really hope you get some sleep OurFlo. What a day you've had. You did so well. Big hug and xx (neither are MNey but I'm sending them anyhow because you deserve them.

WombOfOnesOwn · 27/03/2017 20:37

If he tries to talk to you again, use the tactic I used with my abusive ex-H.

Be overly sweet while basically telling him to fuck off. I found that every time I acted slightly negatively, it started me off into ranting mode where I wanted him to hear my pain. What finally worked was to make myself sound like the HR person who's laying you off: almost overly polite and professional, but with no mercy or forgiveness. Then, I wasn't close enough to my true, negative frame of mind to lose emotional control.

FatOldBag · 27/03/2017 21:15

Well done, you've got rid of him and much of his shit out of your home. Extracting him completely from your life will take a bit more time but will be well worth it.

tiptoeingpixie · 27/03/2017 21:54

Just popping by to say a huge well done OP - so impressed you've done the right thing and even more impressed will be your daughter - you're teaching her that you're strong woman who won't take crap from this loser!

Of course you're going to have wobbles - but this 'man' has shown you who he is by his actions - do not believe anything that comes out his mouth in the coming weeks when he realises you are serious and what he has lost. He had a plenty of chances and fucked up.

Wishing you all the best x

PollytheDolly · 28/03/2017 08:44

OP. You are amazing!!!

Flowers
Original poster
OurFlo · 28/03/2017 08:49

Slept relatively well considering and am ready for what today holds!

Did get a phone call late just as I had fallen asleep. I wrongly answered it, was withheld but at the hour I should have known.
Started well enough, squeezed out an apology for "everything" and asked to come home. I informed him that he had to accept that this was no longer his home. He quickly turned it on me and asked me why I was making him sleep there? All he had wanted to do was go out with his mate for a drink. I tried to stay calm and polite but when he admitted doing coke at the weekend I'm afraid I got sucked back into all the negativity that played on my emotions. Apparently doing coke isn't problem and am I aware of the amount of coke that is seized every day in the UK? If that much gets seized how much doesn't? Everyone does it and there's something wrong with me because I have never done any drugs Confused

He had previously said that during all the time he had been with me, he had only ever done coke the one time I knew about and had sworn he would never do it again. I'm guessing that that was one of his many lies. I'm also now of the opinion that part of his nights out and the reason he doesn't come home is partly the coke use and partly that he cheats/attempts to cheat on me. I do know he has exchanged numbers with girls on previous occasions...always it was a mate of the same guy he went out with over the weekend, or in fact the guy himself. If this is the case he was cheating on his girlfriend. Apparently that's alright because they hadn't been together long!!!

I'm pretty sure he won't be in contact during the day and my mobile will be on DND tonight. I won't be answering any withheld calls on my land/business line ...they can leave a message/call my mobile if it's important and I will unplug tonight. It's not the way I like to work but needs must for the next couple of days.
Big girl pants on, face on, let's hope today is better than yesterday!

OP posts:
Original poster
OurFlo · 28/03/2017 08:51

Thanks Polly. Don't feel it but I'm sure I will in a week or two Flowers

OP posts:
duxb · 28/03/2017 08:55

You are absolutely doing the correct thing.

To ad as well, I've never taken drugs, tried a cigarette and don't drink regularly . I'd like to think I'm of sound mind and not at all unusual.

Stay strong - you clearly deserve so much better than his behaviour and attempts at manipulation.

MumBod · 28/03/2017 08:59

God, every time he speaks he digs himself further into his hole with his bare tongue, doesn't he?

What an absolute bell-ended loser this man really is.

You're so far out of his league it's laughable. I hope he's kicking himself into mince, the stupid twat.

More power to you, OP.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/03/2017 09:19

You are doing so well op but you really need to go totally no contact now. For your own sanity (with the added bonus that it'll really piss him off). Every time you speak to him he believes he's going to win you over.

AmserGwin · 28/03/2017 09:26

You know the big apology/declaration of love is coming next don't you? When's he's run out of options, and realised you mean it this time. Stay strong, and remember how he made you feel. Easier said than done I know, but might be easier to cut him off completely. Good luck OP

HouseworkIsASin10 · 28/03/2017 09:32

Yes definitely no contact.

He sounds worse, you can't be attracted to somebody like that. He is sly and deceitful.

Stop thinking what could have been, you are imagining another person.

This dick is the true 'him'.

Original poster
OurFlo · 28/03/2017 09:37

So far I've had an email...work related which if I'd have thought it through I would have expected. My response, denying permission to buy more stock, will have severely pissed him off. However, if he goes ahead, which in theory this particular supplier could allow him as he is on the account, I've got it in writing and can use that when getting rid of him.

I've also had a phone call or two which I have not answered. Harder than it sounds but I've done it. Go me!

OP posts:
xStefx · 28/03/2017 09:47

OP well done x
He doesn't seem capable of engaging in an adult conversation without throwing tantrums and shouting "fuck off " at you.

You sound like an intelligent woman OP and I think you could do much better and find a real man (not that you need a man) that can handle a relationship.

You have made the move now, stick with it. Youll have a few bad days but finishing it now will save a lot of heartache from him in the future.
I know you think you love him , but if you were to ask yourself " If you could, would you fall out of love with him"? and your answer is yes, then you know he isn't any good for you.

Like you said OP, big girl pants time. He treats you with no respect and then is so sneaky that he tries to make out that its you with the problem.
If you took him back now he would be smug as fuck, knowing he was in the wrong but that he managed to convince you it was you. No one "nips" out for flowers and doesn't come home. He was setting you up for a fail when he got his mate to call you.

Have a good day OP, or try to :-) xx