Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is not on...

292 replies

OurFlo · 26/03/2017 21:56

Genuinely wondering if I'm BU to think that this is not on.
DP went out yesterday about 2pm to get flowers for his DM and pop into work. We had words on his way out as I was annoyed that he hadn't gone when I was working until 1pm. At 4pm his employee phoned me to ask where he was and then he called at 6pm to see if I was going to "have a go at him". He put the phone down on me and then didn't come home.
I rang him back at 9.15pm to find out where he was and he told me he was 15 miles away having a drink with his mate! He then rang me at 10.30 told me he wasn't coming home for me to "have a go at him". I told him he better come home, he slammed the phone down on me, turned it off and I haven't seen or spoke to him since.

AIBU to be mightily pissed off at the whole situation?
We go through this cycle every couple of months or so when he decides he's going out and then doesn't come home. I don't think that he should stay out all night. AIBU? I'm fed up with it, it's just so draining...

OP posts:
HouseworkIsASin10 · 27/03/2017 14:12

OurFlo well done Flowers

It will get easier, and you will get more angry at the time you have wasted with this tosser. But every minute going forward without him is a bonus.

You will feel bitter because he is 'getting away with his actions', but bitterness is wasted on him, I've been there. It's exhausting.

Once the bitterness has gone then you get to start living your life how you want to.

Stay strong.

xStefx · 27/03/2017 14:15

OP, he couldn't really argue with what you said could he, as you didn't start a blaming game.

He didn't take his stuff because he doesn't want to leave but is bailing on the situation once again, because he cant handle confrontation

If you let him back now he will just think "ah well she will habe a little paddy and then let me back in if I keep a low profile"

Pack his stuff, put it on the porch, send him a photo of it, tell him its due to rain so stop messing about and come and get it as its not gonna change my decision by leaving it there

OP, does he know you have the key back?

ohfourfoxache · 27/03/2017 14:20

Sounds like the scales have well and truly fallen from your eyes. Well done, you should be damned proud of yourself.

Definitely cover yourself re sacking him - he sounds like the type to battle completely unreasonably even when he knows he's in the wrong.

Pack up his stuff and either leave it outside or take it to his mum's if you feel especially kind.

But whatever happens, stay strong. You're doing brilliantly Thanks

Cartman03 · 27/03/2017 14:28

Well done OP - you are taking back control.

There has been some great advice on here. Many of us have dated dickheads and it's nothing to be ashamed of; it's that you shake them off that counts.

Think of your DD. She won't be immune to his twattery and this is a chance for you both to have a happy future without him and to show her that you can't let people control your life.

If my DH ever speaks to me disrespectfully in front of our DD I remind him that if she brought a man home who then spoke to her like that DH would put him through a window. You are modelling the behaviour (and courage) that you want for your DD. Flowers

Evilstepmum01 · 27/03/2017 14:29

OP, you own YOUR house and YOUR business? He hasnt got a leg to stand on then. He's just worried he's losing his meal ticket and is trying to manipulate you. I think you can see that tho.

What a shit. I hope you pack his bags and block him. He is NOT your problem anymore. Good for you! Bet your DD is proud of you!

Original poster
OurFlo · 27/03/2017 14:47

I will be careful re the business.
Not big enough to have HR but I do know an independent consultant I can call on if I need to.
He's just strolled in work, I had the Manager text me when he did. His reason for not going in this morning...he had no clothes which is apparently my fault too, for making him sod off all weekend!

He hasn't noticed I've taken the door key. His keys are in his coat pocket and he's not taken it.

OP posts:
Headofthehive55 · 27/03/2017 14:54

I think it would be a good idea to call the independent consultant to start the ball rolling...

QueenOfTheCatBastards · 27/03/2017 14:59

I've been reading, and I agree with Headofthehive in that calling on the consultant isnthe right idea. He has already staked his defence, that you have caused his non-attendance. You need the help available to you.

Good luck, and well done.

xStefx · 27/03/2017 15:01

He told his manager he had no clothes? And he was the one who stayed out???? He is unbelievable

He really has no respect for you does he, doesn't give a shit..

You don't have to let him in now, don't have to answer his calls, nothing

He is waiting for it to blow over, then he will do it again and again and again if you let him

Rockpebblestone · 27/03/2017 15:13

Just put his belongings in a suitcase/boxes and put in garage. Then don't let him into the house. He can take them from the garage. Or have them by the door & pass them to him.

Rockpebblestone · 27/03/2017 15:14

Or if you know who he is staying with you could drop them off there or at work. No excuse then.

Original poster
OurFlo · 27/03/2017 15:21

Sorry xStefx. He told me that...I got the Manager to text me when he strolled in!
I don't think he'll try and call tonight. I think he'll try and stay at work/check in to a hotel/go back to his mate's. Whatever. I don't want to have to deal with any more drama today. I'll speak with the HR consultant and check out what's required. I don't actually think that he'll try to take me for unfair dismissal but I'll make sure everything is done properly just in case.

The business he works in is not my only one, the main source of my income is nothing to do with him and I've been trying to do "proper" work all day and failing! Now I've calmed down I feel shattered. Think I'm going to call it quits for the day and have a long bath.

Thank you all for your support! It's keeping me strong.

OP posts:
VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 27/03/2017 15:22

What an arse he is. It would surely, by anyone's standards, be a written warning at the very least for turning up so late to work after being out on the piss the night before?

picklemepopcorn · 27/03/2017 15:25

Enjoy your bath. Life will be much better without him.

Headofthehive55 · 27/03/2017 15:25

Let other people handle his misdemeanours at work. He no longer has the bosses ear.

redshoeblueshoe · 27/03/2017 15:37

Good luck. It really does get easier. Flowers

MadMags · 27/03/2017 15:38

You need to pack up his today. As in now.

I know you're shattered but it's necessary. Get it done then lock the doors and have nothing else to do with him.

Cease all personal communication then get your manager to follow procedures to get rid of him.

When he comes back, he'll find his stuff bagged up and waiting for him. You've warned him. If he chooses to leave it sitting there, so be it.

AmserGwin · 27/03/2017 15:46

What a prick! He probably still thinks he's going to get away with it again - stay strong. Pack all his stuff ready so he's got no excuse to even come in to your home

Heinousfauxpas · 27/03/2017 15:58

Not surprising you are absolutely shattered.

for now stay angry because it will give you the momentum to do what you need to do (well it did me anyhow).

Today and the next few days (until you have guidance on getting out the business) will be the hardest part but keep focusing on how important it is to go through is to get your life back. Keep going you are doing bloody brilliantly. Enjoy your bath.

Heinousfauxpas · 27/03/2017 15:59

on getting HIM out the business, I meant.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/03/2017 15:59

Here's a thought. Bag his shit and drop it off at work. I think I'm only half serious. But at least you know he'd get it, meaning his shit AND your message!

BeachyKeen · 27/03/2017 16:06

Just keep reminding yourself, it doesn't matter if he understands you, or your point of view. He isn't worth the bother of fixing.

Boophis · 27/03/2017 16:57

My advice would be if he says he wants to talk, tell him calmly that there is nothing more to talk about and you have made your decision. Don't say anything more than that.

picklemepopcorn · 27/03/2017 17:16

I suggest you get the manager to inform him that all work communication should be through him, and that he is not to contact you directly anymore.

Get his stuff to a safe place- his mum's, a lock up?

Block him.

Would that work?

Original poster
OurFlo · 27/03/2017 17:26

He's just called to try and win me round...caught me unawares on the business line withholding his number. It soon turned into abuse.
Wouldn't let me speak and now has his phone turned off.
I've blocked him on my mobile but unfortunately can't not answer the business line if he calls withheld. In my industry I get a lot of withheld numbers.
I've sent him a message saying that there is no more to discuss and I have made my decision and asked him not to attempt to come here again tonight.
I genuinely don't know whether or not he will turn up. He is so indignant and outraged and trying to get his control back. My DD is not home until 9pm and whatever happens he won't be here for then if he does turn up. I'm trying to remain strong but it's hitting me a bit now...I'm just so blooming tired!

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread