To think this is not on...

[OurFlo]

Genuinely wondering if I'm BU to think that this is not on.
DP went out yesterday about 2pm to get flowers for his DM and pop into work. We had words on his way out as I was annoyed that he hadn't gone when I was working until 1pm. At 4pm his employee phoned me to ask where he was and then he called at 6pm to see if I was going to "have a go at him". He put the phone down on me and then didn't come home.
I rang him back at 9.15pm to find out where he was and he told me he was 15 miles away having a drink with his mate! He then rang me at 10.30 told me he wasn't coming home for me to "have a go at him". I told him he better come home, he slammed the phone down on me, turned it off and I haven't seen or spoke to him since.

AIBU to be mightily pissed off at the whole situation?
We go through this cycle every couple of months or so when he decides he's going out and then doesn't come home. I don't think that he should stay out all night. AIBU? I'm fed up with it, it's just so draining...

Thing is - it makes no difference whether coke us is 'normal' (it isn't) or if everybody in the world except you is snorting coke from the age of 5 (they're not). You don't like it and it's your red line that he's crossed and he knows that (hence the lies).

So his argument is spurious as well as dumb. It matters not.

OP you've done the right thing. He'll never change. I could have written your post seven years ago. My ex used to finish work early on a Friday so they'd all go for 'a drink' and we'd always start out saying I'd meet him when I finished but of course by the time I did he'd have decided he was staying out and whatever time he told me he'd be home, he never was. Same on a Saturday. He played football in the afternoon then the team would go for a drink after and even if we'd made plans for that night he'd just disappear about once a month and would put his phone off so I couldn't 'have a go'. He told me every time that I was the unreasonable one, none of the other girlfriends were bothered. He couldn't see how disrespectful it was and told me it was ridiculous of me to expect someone to stick to plans or text if he was going to be late. He told me I'd never find anyone willing to do that.

Final straw for me was when he vanished for a weekend and got his brother (who was with him) to lie to me. I actually phoned hospitals! He still didn't think he was in the wrong. But guess what, I did meet someone respectful and am now married with a baby. When I look back on that time now (5 years) I can't believe I put up with it for so long and feel so stupid. Hindsight is a wonderful thing!!

Anyway, just wanted to let you know you're not being unreasonable. You've done the right thing and your life will be so much less stressful without him! Good luck!

Thanks Clara. I kind of feel numb now. Got my sensible head on, no regrets or second thoughts but am waiting for it to hit me and the tears to start. I know he's a tosser, know I deserve better, know it's not healthy and that it is playing havoc with my self respect. That's all well and good and I'm not going back...but I know it's still going to hurt like hell.

I'm sad it didn't work, sad I didn't deal with it earlier at the first red flags and also a bit worried about what he'll do now. C'est la vie and all that. I know I've started on the path to a happier, less stressful, more fulfilling life but I can't help but be sad about what might have been. Might have been if he wasn't such a dick.

Just remember when you hit that emotional wall, that your sadness and grieving is NOT for him, the man. It's for the loss of the dream you had of what your life would be like.

The loss of the dream. Not the loss of the man.

A lot of people in London do do coke. But more don't.

And the entire city could be doing it, that doesn't mean it's ok for it to be around you.

I'm saying this as someone that used to do it a fair bit. Good job for getting rid, it turns people in to the most selfish assholes.

And the absolute bullshit he's coming out with leads me to believe he's either still high or someone's egging him on with tripe to quote. Or he's a massive asshat. Either way, you're so well shot of him.

Well done, you won't regret this.

Hope work is going ok today, and that he's starting to realise what an idiot he is.

Thinking of you. I know what you mean about the sense of loss of what could have/should have been. I had that a lot but gradually it became not a prominent thought anymore. It's ok to feel sad though along with anything else you might feel. So many people told me to move on and get over the anger etc. But I think if they'd been through what I had and the life-wrecking consequences, they'd have been every bit as fucking furious as I was. Take your time - it's a loss you are are experiencing and as such needs time to process and recover from. You are doing so well.

How are you doing op?

It hit me a bit yesterday...we have a system that flags chargeable mobile phone usage outside of 7am and 10pm Mon-Sat and all day Sunday, effectively it records picture messages and premium rate phone numbers. As everything else is within the contract we're otherwise not bothered about personal usage. So report was passed to me yesterday from last week up to and including Sunday. The chargeable activity is included in all of the other usage but highlighted.
Anyway...next to the alert which was a photo message sent by him (not a problem) were two phone calls, at 10am and 10.30am made to the mate who's house he was meant to have stayed at, a call to me which did not go through and one to his mum. A little flurry of activity and then nothing. Why would he be calling said friend if he was in the house with him and didn't leave all day which is what he claims has happened.

He called me using an employee's phone later and I couldn't help but ask him why he had called his friend if he was in his house. He went off the wall.. I got a torrent of abuse. He "couldn't remember" why he had called him and why was I such a psycho bitch? Why was I still "going on" about Saturday.

So I put the phone down and I am just so tired that it all hit me and the flood gates opened. I just know he didn't spend the night where he said he did and this rage he has towards me is wearing me down. There is still no apology, no acknowledgement of my hurt and it bothers me. Whilst I know all he is doing is proving what a dick he is, I do kind of want some regret or upset on his part, to say that I wasn't 100% foolish to have wasted the last three and a half years of my life on him.

The funny thing is instead of making me want to want to move on more, it's keeping me in this head space. There is no going back and I know he has zero respect for me and certainly doesn't love me, all the abuse was about what I had done to him by kicking him out. He doesn't think he has done a thing wrong. but getting through it. And now I can't answer withheld calls, calls to business line and calls from employees!!!

You are going to question everything and it will do your head in.

But you can't change the past, you are well rid.

You want closure by him admitting he was wrong and apologising. This will never happen because as far as he is concerned, he was never in the wrong. This is why he is a dick and you deserve better.

What happens if he apologises and begs forgiveness? Bit of sweet talk and grovelling would you take him back?
Would you feel more guilty for splitting up with him?

This is the best way as he continually reminds you what a selfish twat he is.

No, there is no going back.
I do have to keep telling myself that 'though. Over and over again.
I had no voice in our relationship. I was talked over and shouted down and controlled in order to have him.
I want my voice back. It matters more than he does.

I want my voice back. It matters more than he does

That is so true. I always say you should love yourself more than any man.

He will never apologise though - he will feel he was just 'taking his due' by staying out all night/being with other women/shouting you down... they rationalise it all in their own heads. He was 'just' staying out because you are so joyless and he can't enjoy himself with you, etc etc.

They rewrite history to make themselves the poor, put upon people who had no choice but to behave the way they did.

Don't waste the rest of your life waiting for him to be sorry. What is it they say, a good life is the best revenge? You will have the last laugh.

He's not going to apologise because he doesn't think he's wrong.

My ex fiancé whom I fell pregnant by was actually married. Pressured me in to having an abortion and the second I did upped and left to his other life (of which I had no clue until about 10 days after he'd disappeared). I didn't hear from him for a few years, when I did I asked for an apology and he told me he'd done nothing wrong.

He was a Coke user too.

Some people just don't feel guilt. They also have such an inflated sense of self they don't actually think they've done anything wrong.

Please reset your mind and stop looking for an apology from him, he either doesn't think he's wrong or doesn't care. Either way, it'll only be detrimental to your mental health.

Keep going Flo. You're doing an amazing job at moving forward. Don't look back, you said yourself that you had no voice, were shouted at, controlled and disrespected. Why would anyone want to be with someone who did these things. You're worth so much more and you're doing amazingly!!!! He will never change and and you don't need that kind of nonsense from anyone. Keep going, we're all rooting for you.

thinking of you Flo... your emotions will be bouncing around all over the place... be kind to yourself and stay strong.. x

I fully agree that you are unfortunately wasting your time looking for answers or truths. You will not get it - all you will get is his own twisted version of things which completely absolves him of any wrong doing and it will all be your fault one way or another. This is designed to muddy the reality so much you can no longer think straight which in turn makes you feel vulnerable. Then he will move into self-pity and how mean you are. Ultimately if you engage with this you won't know which way is up and you will feel like you can't trust your own judgement. Clever huh?!

This is why you have to maintain your distance - it's for your own sanity.

I promise you that the longer you are able to not engage with this shit the clearer your head will become and the more peaceful you will feel inside. Then you won't care about answers because you will be so relieved that you feel like yourself once again and you will be able to see all his manipulations for what they are - pathetic attempts to control you in order to make himself feel like the big important man.

Have name-changed since earlier posts but right now you are bound to feel things really strongly and painfully. But it will feel better gradually.

I've never had an apology from my ex (I left him 10 years ago) because he can't see he's done anything wrong. Well he can, but it's everyone elses' fault. It hurts to never get an apology but after a few years I realised there was no point wanting/hoping for one.

Focus on the long game - a life with none of this utter shite it and not being controlled by a mind game playing man-child. Your head will take a while to start clearing because there's so many practical things to sort out before you can be truly free of him. But there is light at the end of the tunnel, even if you feel you can't even see the tunnel right now.

Look at ways of engineering your life so you don't need to think about him. Find a way of getting someone else to answer the phone, let every call go to answerphone, something so you can still manage business, but don't need to think about him.

It's a shame he's a git, but there we are. He's not going to change because he likes himself. He also likes a version of you which you don't want to be.

Working on focusing on the long game. It seems to be consuming my every thought at the moment...I'm finding myself googling cocaine use and the effects. Why???

He's not coming back. I don't want that man back, the one that has no respect and finds it okay to verbally abuse me at every given opportunity. I'm looking for answers that I'm just not going to be able to find and can't seem to distract myself.

At this stage only my DD knows there is a problem, I'm yet to tell anyone else. I think I need to get through this shitty bit and accept it myself before I let my RL friends and family know what is going on. I know that seems back to front but I feel with their support and kindness I will somehow relent

I need to do this on my own. On my terms and timeframe and with the nest of vipers that is Mumsnet!

I bet you find that your friends and loved ones are quite relieved.

Look up cocaethylene. It's formed by the liver when coke and alcohol are taken together. It's very dangerous as a combination, and can have massive effects on the heart and liver.

He's a fool who excuses his drugs habit and you are so much better off without this loser in your life. Well done for getting shot of him!

Is there any way you can delegate the review of 'off hours' phone usage to someone else? Or issue a memo directing that 'due to rising costs' phones are to be used during business hours only and if they're used outside of those hours the phone will be confiscated?

You really need to go NC with him. I know it's hard as he's still working in your business, but you really, really need to NOT speak to him. At the very least, can you block his number from your phone and delegate someone else to handle with any business things that need dealing with? Can you at least block his number during non-business hours and tell him that it is inappropriate for him to call 'his employer' during off hours?

Not answering my mobile at the moment unless I know it couldn't be him. I'm letting my PA answer the business line and letting it go to answer phone when she's not here if I can't see who it is.

If it's important people will leave a message and I'll call back. It'll only be for a few days hopefully. He's managed to catch me unawares a couple of times but won't do it again now! He's sent me a couple of work emails- one that didn't require a response and one that he asked for a response on and didn't get as I just dealt with it myself.
I don't know how long he'll stay angry for, I'm guessing now that I'm not backing down it might be forever.
Next week I'll deal with him being in the business. That should be fun!

I've been there and it's so hard. Do stay strong and lean on the support network that is mumsnet (and/or pm me). You are doing the right thing 100%