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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is not on...

292 replies

OurFlo · 26/03/2017 21:56

Genuinely wondering if I'm BU to think that this is not on.
DP went out yesterday about 2pm to get flowers for his DM and pop into work. We had words on his way out as I was annoyed that he hadn't gone when I was working until 1pm. At 4pm his employee phoned me to ask where he was and then he called at 6pm to see if I was going to "have a go at him". He put the phone down on me and then didn't come home.
I rang him back at 9.15pm to find out where he was and he told me he was 15 miles away having a drink with his mate! He then rang me at 10.30 told me he wasn't coming home for me to "have a go at him". I told him he better come home, he slammed the phone down on me, turned it off and I haven't seen or spoke to him since.

AIBU to be mightily pissed off at the whole situation?
We go through this cycle every couple of months or so when he decides he's going out and then doesn't come home. I don't think that he should stay out all night. AIBU? I'm fed up with it, it's just so draining...

OP posts:
Original poster
OurFlo · 27/03/2017 17:27

Good suggestion re all communication through Manager...I'll do that now...

OP posts:
MadMags · 27/03/2017 17:28

Well, you have to let him get his things! So it's best if you have them bagged up and waiting outside for him, or dropped somewhere.

Good on you!

ohfourfoxache · 27/03/2017 17:32

Yes, get his stuff outside ASAP - then you don't even need to answer the door if he does turn up. If he starts getting aggressive then call the police

Heinousfauxpas · 27/03/2017 17:36

Well done. You are probably quite shocked which will have caused masses of adrenalin to whizz round your system with nowhere to go. That makes you feel absolutely knackered.

If he does turn up tonight at the house and is trying repeatedly to make you speak to him/let him in etc you are well within your rights to call the police. In my experience they will take it very seriously indeed in order to prevent harassment or abuse.

Apart from threatening him with the police if he wont stop trying get you to engage, dont talk to him is my advice.

Original poster
OurFlo · 27/03/2017 17:38

Just gone to start packing some stuff for him...he's actually put his dirty stuff in the washing basket for me to wash!!! I don't know why I'm surprised or even why I'm so outraged that the cheeky barsteward would do that but it's given me a new sense of purpose!!!

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 27/03/2017 17:40

Aren't they just peachy when the control has been taken away. Says it all OP.

There's always the dustbin instead of the washbin for his dirty clothes!

QueenOfTheCatBastards · 27/03/2017 17:40

Cheeky arsehole!

SootSprite · 27/03/2017 17:46

What a complete twat! Well done for being so strong OP. Be kind to yourself over the coming days, lots of Cake and Brew

BroomHandledMouser · 27/03/2017 17:55

Thinking of you OP, fortune favours the brave 💪

Trb17 · 27/03/2017 17:58

So sorry you've had to go through this OP but you've done the right thing and I'm proud of you.

If ever in doubt... ask yourself if you'd like your DD to date a man who treated her this way in her future? It's a good way to test if a man is good enough. You'd never want this for her so you should never put up with it yourself either. It's all about respect and he has none. A total man child.

You've done so well. Stay strong Flowers Flowers

MadamePomfrey · 27/03/2017 17:59

You are outraged because that's how sure he is he can win you round!! Remember this feeling and use it when he tries his next tactic!

troodiedoo · 27/03/2017 18:10

I'm outraged on your behalf op. Hope you have a nice bath Flowers

WateryTart · 27/03/2017 18:11

He'll thrash around for a few days then he'll have to suck it up. Stay strong, OP.

ohfourfoxache · 27/03/2017 18:19

Cheeky fucking arsewipe Angry

If you want to be really petty you could always stuff his clothes in so that they are as crumpled as possible.......Wink

Original poster
OurFlo · 27/03/2017 18:20

Enough stuff to see him through the next couple of weeks packed and by the door. Hopefully by then he will have found somewhere to live and can send me a forwarding address.

Tonight's going to be tough no matter whether he shows or not now. Decision made. Despite everything I still love him...more fool me but I know that this is wrong and we can't carry on like this.

OP posts:
thetreesarebare · 27/03/2017 18:30

OurFlo you have to get rid! Been in exactly the same position as you. Disappearing for days then it's all my fault as I would have cracked up if he said he was going out. Yes, I would have as I knew it would lead to a massive binge & time off work. The stress is horrendous. I can honestly say since I left it's the biggest weight off my shoulders. I can totally relax every weekend/bank holiday etc knowing it's not my worry/responsibility anymore. I promise you its the best feeling ever. Hope you can stay strong. It will truly be worth it.

MrsDoylesTeabags · 27/03/2017 18:31

You'ree doing great Flo, keep up the good work.
The sheer from of some of these guys never ceases to amaze me, its kind of impressive that amount of self delusion. I don't think I could do something like that with a straight face.
Keep this thread to remind yourself what an absolute dick he is in times of weakness, and just think how relaxed and happy and lighter you'll be feeling now you've lost this 14 stone of excess useless weight Grin

ohfourfoxache · 27/03/2017 18:33

We'll get you through tonight Thanks

coffeetasteslikeshit · 27/03/2017 18:40

Just as a comparison, in the fairly early days of our living together, DH did a disappearing trick one night with his friends. However, when I went mad at him and explained how worried I'd been, how it was a complete lack of respect for me etc etc, he apologised and never did it again. Because he is a good man who made an unthinking mistake.

He still goes out overnight, but checks first if it's convenient.

Good luck and stay strong, you deserve better.

beepbeeprichie · 27/03/2017 18:46

There's 8 pages of good advice here and you are doing brilliantly. Until you gave his age I honestly thought you could have been living with my ex. This is exactly the sort of shit I had to put up with. Including him ruining Christmas (Eve/ not coming back on the day) which turned out to be the last one I had before a massive bereavement so he really did spoil it. For some reason I kept on putting up with it. For far too long. Like you, I couldn't understand why he couldn't see my point of view and he gaslit me til I questioned whether I was seeing things!!! Long story short- I eventually threw his sorry fat backside out. And after the initial tears and sobs and woe is me (which lasted about a month) I felt like a massive weight had been lifted and I couldn't believe I had ever stood for such an abusive man child. It will get better OP. No doubt you will wobble- but remember a part of that wobble is due to habit (even a bad one!!). Good luck!

picklemepopcorn · 27/03/2017 18:47

Can you get someone to stay with you? Even if just for the evening? It would distract you, support you, and make it easier if he turns up.

Beware of the adrenalin slump. When you feel crap, exhausted and emotional, a bit sick and queasy, don't put it down to missing him or 'can't manage without him' rubbish- it's just the down after a hormonal surge. Treat it with coffee and chocolate! If you are still hyped up and buzzing, try wine!

Hang in there OP. He's a jerk,many showing it more every minute.

happypoobum · 27/03/2017 18:58

How did he just walk in earlier? Had you left the front door open?

Make sure it is locked all the time so he cannot waltz in. When you say his stuff is by the door do you mean outside ? Don't leave it inside.

Can you not just send it to his mothers in a taxi?

Stay strong - he's a pathetic cokehead loser.

FatOldBag · 27/03/2017 19:11

By the door? Put it outside the door. There's no need for him to come in then, and no need to indulge him in any conversation (or abuse, more likely).

Original poster
OurFlo · 27/03/2017 19:13

Okay. Thanks All!

I had to take the bull by the horns so ignored some very good advice not to talk to him Blush
I rang and asked him where he was...turns out he's at work. So I got in the car, drove to work and left all his stuff on the doorstep. He then asked me to go in, that he didn't want us to split up, I told him that it was pointless as he couldn't even see that it was wrong to do what he did this weekend. He said he didn't say he was right doing what he did so I asked him why he hadn't even attempted to apologise.
He told me to go fuck myself. I drove away.

Apologies for blatantly ignoring the advice to not talk to him. I needed to get some of his stuff out of here or he was always going to have an excuse to turn up. I've done that now. I'm home knowing he's not going to just appear. Personal done. Now to deal with the business.

Not going to pretend I'm finding this easy but I do know it's for the best.
Flowers all.

OP posts:
troodiedoo · 27/03/2017 19:18

I would get the lock changed just for extra extra peace of mind.