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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is not on...

292 replies

OurFlo · 26/03/2017 21:56

Genuinely wondering if I'm BU to think that this is not on.
DP went out yesterday about 2pm to get flowers for his DM and pop into work. We had words on his way out as I was annoyed that he hadn't gone when I was working until 1pm. At 4pm his employee phoned me to ask where he was and then he called at 6pm to see if I was going to "have a go at him". He put the phone down on me and then didn't come home.
I rang him back at 9.15pm to find out where he was and he told me he was 15 miles away having a drink with his mate! He then rang me at 10.30 told me he wasn't coming home for me to "have a go at him". I told him he better come home, he slammed the phone down on me, turned it off and I haven't seen or spoke to him since.

AIBU to be mightily pissed off at the whole situation?
We go through this cycle every couple of months or so when he decides he's going out and then doesn't come home. I don't think that he should stay out all night. AIBU? I'm fed up with it, it's just so draining...

OP posts:
Original poster
OurFlo · 26/03/2017 22:28

I have a DD. He has no DC.
Money tight at the moment and I have just bailed him out of a lot of debt so no, I wouldn't have been happy with him going out yesterday. Particularly not where he went which costs a small fortune and if he is telling the truth, he arranged it all at the last minute purely because he didn't want me 'going on at him'

OP posts:
Original poster
OurFlo · 26/03/2017 22:30

Quite my point exactly. No issue generally if he comes home. We're in our mid 40s a bit old for sleepovers!

OP posts:
ScoobyDoosTinklyLaugh · 26/03/2017 22:30

He sounds like a tit.

On the other hand I think it's completely acceptable to go out and stay out all night, as long as there's nothing major on the next day and both of you get equal opportunity to do it. Engineering an argument to fuck off and then not be in touch for 24 hours is bad form though.

picklemepopcorn · 26/03/2017 22:30

He can't bear to let you have anything nice. Sounds like he is really ashamed and taking it out on you. Not a great match, IMO.

m0therofdragons · 26/03/2017 22:30

Oh god get this mind-fucker out of your life! This is not normal. Normal is me to dh: "df has asked me out for a few drinks tonight so I'd like to go. Is that okay?" (I'm not really asking and it's more politely telling him but gives him the option to remind me if we had planned anything else). Dh then says "yeah sure what time are you going?... have a lovely time - kisses - see you in the morning."
If he goes out then this conversation is reversed.
No "partner" gets to be so rude and thoughtless. That is not a partnership.

IHeartDodo · 26/03/2017 22:32

Change the locks!

MrsDoylesTeabags · 26/03/2017 22:33

It is strange behaviour, very odd.
Is DD his?
Does he feel like he can't go out on his own with his mates without causing a drama?
I'm not making excuses for him, I think it's thoroughly shitty behaviour and not something you'd expect an adult to do.
It's a complete lack of respect, not even thoughtlessness as he actively constructed the situation and is now turning it round on you! Gaslighting twunt.
Hope you manage to get some sleep tonight, and I hope you come to some resolution as to how you respond to him Flowers

Therealjudgejudy · 26/03/2017 22:34

Mid forties? And you put up with him treating you like this??Confused. Why, just why??

CoolCarrie · 26/03/2017 22:34

So where is he sleeping tonight? At his mates or family? What a dick

Original poster
OurFlo · 26/03/2017 22:37

I'm guessing he's at his mates. No idea 'though.
He probably does feel like he can't go out with his mates without causing a drama. It does cause a drama...because he does this and then goes awol.
I've tried to compromise. Last time he did this he exchanged numbers with a girl and then told me it was his mate that did it using his phone. It is a drama, because he behaves like a dick. Treats me like this and then puts the blame at my door.

OP posts:
Haffdonga · 26/03/2017 22:37

Is he a heavy/ binge drinker?

MrsDoylesTeabags · 26/03/2017 22:37

Sorry, I'm a really slow typer!
After your last post I agree with others, this man offers you nothing and you owe him nothing. Life's too short to put up with shit from the person who is supposed to be your friend and ally

Original poster
OurFlo · 26/03/2017 22:39

He's not really a heavy drinker. But does binge drink when he goes out with his mates. That's apparently an excuse for not coming home Confused
Last year he went out with the same guy and some others, did the same thing, then one of his friends went into our business and told an employee he was "coked up". Said employee told my DD. I went up the wall...apparently I over reacted.

OP posts:
MrsBobDylan · 26/03/2017 22:40

Oh God, tell him not to bother coming back. You've bailed him out of debt and he's ruined each of the last three special dates in your life. He's a total user and where the fuck is he sleeping? Really, get rid. You deserve so much more than this shit.

Heinousfauxpas · 26/03/2017 22:44

This is really controlling and manipulative behaviour (he is choosing to ruin special occasions/holidays) and very selfish. Not to mention really immature and disrespectful.

At this age he isn't going to change unless he really wants to and is prepared to work hard on his issues. By the sound of what you say, this isn't likely to happen. It does sound draining and I'm not surprised you are fed up with it. I think you need to think what action you want to take bearing in mind he isn't going to change.

AdoraBell · 26/03/2017 22:45

Agree, tell him not to bother coming back. You deserve so much more.

minisausage · 26/03/2017 22:45

He's then gone to get coked up. That'll cost a lot of money too

MrsDoylesTeabags · 26/03/2017 22:46

The problem here is, you're an adult and he's a PA, bullying manchild of a prick.

GardenGeek · 26/03/2017 22:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
OurFlo · 26/03/2017 22:51

I think I have given him more than enough chances. Genuine question why is it so hard to LTB? I know he doesn't treat me right. I am so drained with the drama and the whole Groundhog Day thing... but I struggle to end it.
I know I'm not alone and there are people in far worse situations than me struggling to do the same. I do deserve more. I know this. So why is it so hard to finish it?

OP posts:
Haffdonga · 26/03/2017 22:57

Coked up? Ah, thought it could be something like that. The pattern. The debt. The hyped up aggression.

You can't fix this, sorry.

WicksEnd · 26/03/2017 23:01

He doesn't care.
No amount of caring you do will make him care for you.
You can't change that, Sad sorry but it's true.
Your DD already knows he's a Coke head and an inconsiderate shit so why are you telling her that it's acceptable? It's not.

pho3be · 26/03/2017 23:03

If you want to end it just do it, rip off the plaster.
How is this relationship benefitting you? Or dd? Id rather be single a million times over

CherriesInTheSnow · 26/03/2017 23:03

So he does this every time there is an occasion where he won't be the centre of attention? And you have a child yet he did this on mother's day? :( Isn't that ruining occasions and finding a way to control them routine considered a trait of an emotionally abusive partner?

CherriesInTheSnow · 26/03/2017 23:07

OurFlo just read your post about the coke. I'm so sorry you have to live with this Flowers

Don't feel bad for finding it hard to leave, I'm sure it is so hard, especially when there is a child involved. But maybe it will help you if you stay focused on the fact that he is so unhealthy for you and your DD, and you don't want her to grow up in a home that illustrates and unhealthy/unequal relationship.

Wishing you all the best Flowers

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