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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this is not on...

292 replies

OurFlo · 26/03/2017 21:56

Genuinely wondering if I'm BU to think that this is not on.
DP went out yesterday about 2pm to get flowers for his DM and pop into work. We had words on his way out as I was annoyed that he hadn't gone when I was working until 1pm. At 4pm his employee phoned me to ask where he was and then he called at 6pm to see if I was going to "have a go at him". He put the phone down on me and then didn't come home.
I rang him back at 9.15pm to find out where he was and he told me he was 15 miles away having a drink with his mate! He then rang me at 10.30 told me he wasn't coming home for me to "have a go at him". I told him he better come home, he slammed the phone down on me, turned it off and I haven't seen or spoke to him since.

AIBU to be mightily pissed off at the whole situation?
We go through this cycle every couple of months or so when he decides he's going out and then doesn't come home. I don't think that he should stay out all night. AIBU? I'm fed up with it, it's just so draining...

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 30/03/2017 16:51

I think he'll quickly go from 'justified anger' to begging to 'real anger'. Remember, he just hasn't lost you, he's aware that he'll probably lose his job, too. That's a lot to just shrug and walk away from.

Just keep avoiding him and see that employment consultant asap about legally letting him go.

WitchDancer · 30/03/2017 17:25

What a mare, being tied to him through the business. Hopefully your HR person can help you get rid of him and then you can move on with the rest of your life.

You certainly haven't done anything wrong, and please keep telling yourself that. All you have asked for is common courtesy and he didn't respect you enough to give you that. That's not your fault, however much he keeps trying to blame you.

BonnyScotland · 30/03/2017 19:02

I'm so pleased that someone on here'MN' has taken the advise shared and ran with it.... whilst holding true to her situation and getting rid of the negative element in her and DD's life .. x

FairytalesAreBullshit · 31/03/2017 11:25

How old is DH? Not that age has any bearing on behaviour, but he's acting like a guy who is free and single with no responsibilities. To me he needed an excuse to go out all night, so he decided that he'd put the onus on you potentially being in a bad mood. Like that would have any bearing on your mood if he showed up 24 hours after leaving. Regardless of when he arrives home, if your annoyed, you'll potentially discuss it further. His logic makes no sense.

Whilst you share a home, a business etc, it really does not matter compared to your happiness.

On a lighter note you could say to him, ok every few months you go and do this, wouldn't it be better if you were honest in advance over springing this on me. That's how adults would behave, it wouldn't be as much of an issue if he did it this way, over bolting out the door with you left wondering when he'll return.

Seriously evaluate if this is something you're happy about, as he will continue to do it anyway. In my opinion you're owed an adult relationship, over the one you currently have. He's not just running away from you but his responsibilities at work too. What grown adult considers that ok?

Best of luck OP Flowers

OurFlo · 31/03/2017 11:57

So it's been a week since I shared a bed with him. The night before I'd asked him to put the dog treats away rather than abandoning them on the counter. He chose not to come to bed...with hindsight it was the start of the series of events, making a big deal about everything and disappearing on Saturday afternoon.

I think that yesterday was the first full day I haven't spoken to him and I do feel much calmer for it. No tears either yesterday, I know they'll come back at some point but with no abuse to deal with but I'll deal with that then. I'm feeling much stronger.

Good news! I got the result from an advanced professional exam that I took back in February this morning and I passed! Yay!

Bit of bad news...got the results from a blood test I had to test my thyroid function and I have hyperthyroidism caused by Graves' disease. 'Twas strange as the test was done as I was having hypo symptoms Confused However, I spent last night googling thyroid disease (me) instead of cocaine abuse (him). I reckon that's a good sign!!

Thank you all for your support and sharing your stories and views. It's keeping me sane when I have a moment. The weekend's nearly hear so take whatever you fancy Flowers Wine Gin Cake Brew

OP posts:
OurFlo · 31/03/2017 11:58

*jeez my grammar and spelling were appalling in that post Blush

OP posts:
August1984 · 31/03/2017 12:02

Have a good weekend hun, you're doing the right thing and doing so well. Flowers

FairytalesAreBullshit · 31/03/2017 12:22

Did you say you were married to him?

OurFlo · 31/03/2017 12:35

No. Not married..thank goodness!

OP posts:
FairytalesAreBullshit · 31/03/2017 12:54

Got it wrong, DP, that's a relief.

Do you have a drugs policy in your contracts? I would definitely consider him discussing drug use whilst at work, possibly by company email, hopefully going with the line you don't want to escalate it further, but you can't have an employee on the books who is so open about illegal activities. Also being abusive to a senior member of staff during working hours. Using company mobiles to do x/y/z, whilst not specified in the contract, it's not appropriate. I would also call the phone company and block him from running up a massive bill.

The main thing I would be concerned about is him trying to get revenge some how. So remove all his ordering capability. Stop any business related credit cards or debit cards. Get the manager to keep him on enhanced supervision, you don't want him ruining the livelihood of fellow members of staff because he has a vendetta. I don't know what the business is, or what it involves. Consider ways he could jeopardise the business, put in preventative measures. It might be advisable to put him on gardening leave from immediate effect, as him not being there is better for you and your staff than him being there. I believe you can cite that investigations are ongoing, you will contact him at a later date to discuss the matters. He is to hand over all work related property.

If you have CCTV then good, if not considering the likelihood for what might happen, consider a quick fix, so if anything happens you have recordings, plus it'll help for insurance purposes.

Speak to ACAS to see if the suspension on full pay is viable whilst matters are investigated. If he has an ounce of common sense, being paid not to work is better than him being at work.

If suspension on full pay is viable, put in a gagging clause where he is prohibited to talking about your businesses, yourself, family members, members of staff. Again check if you can do that reasonably.

I would also consider checking company finances, to ensure that everything is in order and stock input verses output matches up. A Coke habit can't be cheap, whilst you were together, has he done anything work wise considered inappropriate. Arrange a meeting with the manager to discuss this further so you get as much information as you can.

Also consider CCTV at home and any other premises you own. Even if it's something from Argos cheap. Keep all bases covered.

Check through phone records etc, if you don't have itemised billing, I believe you can request it from the phone companies. Just check for chargeable activity.

If he has access to a computer, go in at the weekend and check internet history, take copies and back up. For example if he's been doing none work related things during working hours. Check your internet history at home too.

The bigger file you have with misdemeanours, the better chance you have of being able to go for termination of contract, with no repercussions.

I know it's late on a Friday, but call ACAS as soon as you can. Check through everything. Sort out CCTV but don't install till he's left. Don't talk to him when he's near the computer etc as his first thoughts maybe clear history etc. Make sure the manager or another neutral member of staff preferably male is with you to witness what goes on. Record the conversation on your phone too.

Really hope you read this ASAP.

You might want to consider that he's not allowed to work in a similar industry for a set amount of time, with contacts he may have.

Good luck. This is all to protect your other employees more than anything. Plus yourself.

Maybe a good way of putting it, would be to say, I've decided to place you on paid leave for a period of 2 weeks/1 month. I'm not sure if you have to give a reason, if you can call it a gesture of good will, given recent circumstances.

FairytalesAreBullshit · 31/03/2017 12:56

Really hope you come back to read this.

FairytalesAreBullshit · 31/03/2017 12:57

Sorry also if you can do a performance review on all your staff. Check he's been working properly, not just attending and doing as little as possible.

picklemepopcorn · 31/03/2017 13:18

Sorry about your thyroid, but the plus side is that you'll start to feel better when you are on thyroxine! I've been on almost a year now, the palpitations mainly stopped, and I'm generally a bit less inclined to fall asleep every time I sit down. I think I need more, but blood test says different sadly!

BonnyScotland · 31/03/2017 14:39

focus on YOU Flowers

AliceKlar · 31/03/2017 14:49

Congratulations on your professional exam result. That's great. Yes, concentrate on you. Your health and your general wellbeing. Which includes not having people like your partner in your life.

Try to rest up as much as you can over the weekend. You've had one hell of a week Flowers.

IHeartDodo · 07/04/2017 13:07

any update OP?

FairytalesAreBullshit · 07/04/2017 15:11

Hope you're ok OP Flowers

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