To think this is not on...

[OurFlo]

Genuinely wondering if I'm BU to think that this is not on.
DP went out yesterday about 2pm to get flowers for his DM and pop into work. We had words on his way out as I was annoyed that he hadn't gone when I was working until 1pm. At 4pm his employee phoned me to ask where he was and then he called at 6pm to see if I was going to "have a go at him". He put the phone down on me and then didn't come home.
I rang him back at 9.15pm to find out where he was and he told me he was 15 miles away having a drink with his mate! He then rang me at 10.30 told me he wasn't coming home for me to "have a go at him". I told him he better come home, he slammed the phone down on me, turned it off and I haven't seen or spoke to him since.

AIBU to be mightily pissed off at the whole situation?
We go through this cycle every couple of months or so when he decides he's going out and then doesn't come home. I don't think that he should stay out all night. AIBU? I'm fed up with it, it's just so draining...

He shouldn't contact you work wise either. He has a manager. He no longer has any special rights.

Hi, OP, not read the full thread but read all your posts. I just wanted to say that you seem utterly, utterly out of his league. You really seem to have everything sorted -intelligent, reasonable, house owner, financially stable etc..
He seems abusive, manipulative, unfaithful, debt ridden, a cokehead and incapable of any rational argument.
I find it really hard to picture the pair of you as a couple and I'm sure in a few weeks, you'll wonder why on earth you ever put up with him. Well done for getting rid (for both your sake and your daughter's) and I hope you're feeling better soon.

Keep on going. This is the hardest, most traumatic part but it will be worth it long run. Think of it like having your appendix out. Painful and miserable at the time, but afterwards you'll never have pain from it again.

Definitely phone off tonight. It's often instinctive to pick the phone up at home. You will probably only need to turn it to silent for a few nights till he well and truly gets the idea it's over.

You are doing so well. Unless you've been there I don't think people would believe just how hard it is. Really glad you got some sleep. Try to eat well too and if you are struggling to eat - Complan or Build-Up shakes are easy to get down in my experience. Hug.

You're fab! Once you've got all his stuff out you can limit all interactions to work things. Inform him that any attempt to discuss personal stuff will result in the conversation being terminated. I'd also try and keep any communication via email or text and obviously keep them for any HR requirements later on.

Decision made. Despite everything I still love him...more fool me

What is there to love about him? He treats you and your home with no respect. He has no work ethic or respect for his colleagues. He is a drug user.

I am really not seeing the attraction

Well done op. You're doing great.

I hope you signed off you email with "please address all work issues through your line manager with immediate effect."

And sign it "regards". Which as every British person knows means "fuck you knobcheese!"

ProcrastinatingSquid has it.

FWIW, I've never done drugs, and with the exception of DH who did it once when working in the City in his 20s and has since grown the fuck up neither has anyone I know. (As far as I know!).

Well done

Is the coke use something else you could use to get him out I wonder......???? I don't know, I'm just clutching at possibilities

Yes BitOutOfPractice!!!

And sign it "regards". Which as every British person knows means "fuck you knobcheese!" 

I always sign regards when actually my internal voice is saying "I think you are being a total dick".

Used to actually write passive aggressive stuff in white text on emails but I don't have the balls am much more sensible now.

Get a huge printout that says HE IS A DICK and put it somewhere you will see it first thing every morning.

Although it sounds as though you don't need it! You are doing amazingly well, now your eyes are open to his dickishness.

You really do need to stay strong and ignore him because he will escalate his attempts. Not because he loves you. He doesn't. (Sorry). But you have been a cushy number and a pushover and he doesn't want to lose that.

Is there any reason why he's contacting you and not the manager re ordering stock? Because I'd take myself out of that equation to be honest and tell him that he should be dealing wit the manager for this stuff.

Thank you for your continued support everyone. No more phone calls.
He's blocked and as promised I'm not answering the landline today. My PA was doing it until she went home and now I'm just responding to messages.
He has sent me an email...I've quoted the best bit below...this is his justification for drug abuse:

Last year 4 million grams of cocaine was seized by police so how much has been used? 40 million 100 million???? Bear in mind people only take around half a gram or less so i would guess on a typical night in any City more than 50% of people will be doing it

Dear Mumsnetters this is what stupid looks like.
I have not replied.

Ha ha what a tit.

PLEASE tell me he sent that to your work email? And please tell me that, if it is forwarded to your HR consultant, that it can be used to help get rid of the fucker?

What an idiot. You are of course correct not to reply but I'd be twitching to forward it to the police or HR.

Haha, stupid indeed. Who's he kidding? himself?

Definitely send to HR consultant as proof of drug use and fire him!

I would be printing that email and having a good laugh at it with my friends and some wine! (yes, we've done this before with my friends ex and his delusional emails)

Ooohhh, yes - the police would be good!

One of my friends went to work a few weeks ago and the drug testers were there testing everyone. 2 people dismissed on the spot. (Works for a very large national transport network) could this be the way forward?

His argument is strong isn't it?

I think loads of people are doing it...based on a figure that has nothing to do with drugs use but the amount that is seized, I've grossly overestimated this based on the fact that I do it. Therefore, I am right and you are an idiot.

The side effects, both long and short term don't matter a jot. It explains a lot of his behavior and I have been stupid enough to believe that he wasn't doing it! The risky behavior...his relationship and work life. Effectively the business was as much his as mine whilst we were together...but importantly, not legally and I have funded it so whilst he may turn up (or not), it is still my business. Now...he's thrown it all away to go on a boozy, drugged up bender, whilst blaming it all on me!

I have no doubt that there is so much more that I don't know about which will start to come out.

I wish it was a big enough business to do the whole drug testing and HR thing but it's not. High turnover, relatively small profit and only five staff. Hence, my other business being "proper", as that is the one that pays the bills.
I think that once he accepts our relationship is over, he will walk away, kicking up a massive fuss whilst he does so. I'll deal with that in a week or two. The independent HR consultant I am seeing is away until the end of this week. That gives me a bit of a chance to see how the land lies. I've arranged for his comings and goings to be logged. It won't be hard for me to build a case against him.

Well done OurFlo!

He is in the process of getting himself fired. nice oh him to do the hard work for you :)

Love the e-mail he sent you. He clearly never heard the saying when you're in a hole stop digging
If I remember correctly wasn't he supposed to be in work on Saturday or Sunday. I'd get every incident recorded.

incredibly powerful read... Stay strong OurFlo .. you are magnificent in the face of adversity.....

No contact after the email. Phone hasn't rang again and he's not shown up...all quiet on the Western Front. Things are very peaceful and it's strangely unsettling!!