Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is not on...

292 replies

OurFlo · 26/03/2017 21:56

Genuinely wondering if I'm BU to think that this is not on.
DP went out yesterday about 2pm to get flowers for his DM and pop into work. We had words on his way out as I was annoyed that he hadn't gone when I was working until 1pm. At 4pm his employee phoned me to ask where he was and then he called at 6pm to see if I was going to "have a go at him". He put the phone down on me and then didn't come home.
I rang him back at 9.15pm to find out where he was and he told me he was 15 miles away having a drink with his mate! He then rang me at 10.30 told me he wasn't coming home for me to "have a go at him". I told him he better come home, he slammed the phone down on me, turned it off and I haven't seen or spoke to him since.

AIBU to be mightily pissed off at the whole situation?
We go through this cycle every couple of months or so when he decides he's going out and then doesn't come home. I don't think that he should stay out all night. AIBU? I'm fed up with it, it's just so draining...

OP posts:
Littlemissindependent · 27/03/2017 11:14

Stay strong and don't let him weasel his way back in. I know how hard it is, and how utterly shit you'll feel at first. But it sounds like you will be so much better off out of it.

Polska03 · 27/03/2017 11:14

I might not hear from him until tomorrow but he will come begging, unless I get his shit out of my house and then he has no reason. He'll also be out of a job, I own the business. He clearly thinks he can control me, do what he wants and I'll just back down

Not this time

Love it OurFlo Good for you! Don't stand for it, stick to your guns, he sounds like an absolute arse.

Flowers
QueenofallIsee · 27/03/2017 11:24

You are doing the right thing. I am rooting for you OP!

Original poster
OurFlo · 27/03/2017 12:52

So he's on his way back to get changed and get some stuff. He's screamed at me, put the phone down and it's all my fault for "going on at him"
He refused to listen to me, hasn't been to work because he's got no clothes and is not bothered. Is bored by me. Wants to know what he's done wrong! I'm trying to stay calm. I know it has to be over but why do I still want him to see my point?

OP posts:
troodiedoo · 27/03/2017 12:56

Totally understandable that you want him to take ownership of his part in your breaking up. However it's not likely from this man child Hmm

Do not look back. Look forward to your wonderful new new life Flowers

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 27/03/2017 12:57

Do you need to let him in the house at all, or can you provide a change of clothing in a bag outside?

Reow · 27/03/2017 12:59

Breathe through it OP. You know he is wrong, and he is trying to turn it around on to you so that you allow him back.

You sound like you're being very strong and dignified. Keep it up! If he tries to argue just don't participate. Tell him he shouldn't have to ask what the problem is, and the fact that he is saying he doesn't know what he did wrong means you have no choice but to end it.

MaddieElla · 27/03/2017 13:00

Have his stuff ready at the front door and don't let him in the house.

HeidiSpeidi · 27/03/2017 13:03

OP you will never ever get him to see your point. A lesson I learnt far too late was "you can't reason with unreasonable".

I used to deal with a twat like yours, and for years my insides screamed for justice- just an acknowledgement of his wrong doing and lack of respect. It never came and it never will. Please empower yourself and accept that you know the truth, and that truth isn't good enough for you.

Don't waste any time on trying to change him- it won't happen

Oddbins · 27/03/2017 13:05

Text him with a time to collect his stuff and have it ready
Make sure someone is with you at that time

You do not need explanations you do not need excuses.
He will just gaslight and make you feel bad about yourself. Do not give him that option.

He won't hear you if you try to explain he does not care and you can't change that.

PollytheDolly · 27/03/2017 13:05

Do not respond to this man-baby. He is in a complete sulk and his behaviour is to draw a reaction out of him and the molly-coddle him.

No contact, no phone calls, no texting.

Bag of clothes outside. Don't answer the door.

Flowers
countrygirl55 · 27/03/2017 13:06

What Heidi said. The years I have wasted trying to ration with the irrational! You can't change a person, only your reaction to them.

Actually fist pumped when you said you own the house and the business! Keep your conviction; you're doing the right thing, even though it's hard right now.

PollytheDolly · 27/03/2017 13:06

Reaction out of you to molly coddle him. Darn phone!

bloodymaria · 27/03/2017 13:07

You're doing so well! I can understand wanting him to see your side of things but I feel like it might be a waste of time and energy. Engage as little as possible with him.

xStefx · 27/03/2017 13:08

No, you don't need him to see your point. You cant argue with a narc like that, you can scream till your blue in the face and he will never admit he did anything wrong.

What your better off doing is saying

" the relationship isn't working, im not gonna blame you or me, we both clearly want a different kind of relationship, get yur things and can you move out please"

WateryTart · 27/03/2017 13:13

Stay strong, OP. Just get him out of your house and your life.

MumBod · 27/03/2017 13:17

You can't reason with stupid, OP.

Think of it like trying to teach maths to a plant, or teach a dog to speak.

You can exhaust yourself trying, but it's not going to get you anywhere.

Best to accept that the dog has limitations and move on.

Falafelings · 27/03/2017 13:18

It's really odd he's tried to ruin Christmas birthday Mother's Day. There's something psychological in it. Why does he create issues at a time he should be creating a nice experience? He does the direct opposite to the norm.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 27/03/2017 13:21

Well done for being strong OP Flowers

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 27/03/2017 13:25

You are well rid of him. You are doing the right thing for sure.

MrsDoylesTeabags · 27/03/2017 13:26

What Odbins said.
He's nutso, how much coke does he take?
You're well rid of him Flo. Stay strong, you can so this Flowers

Soubriquet · 27/03/2017 13:26

He will never see your point as he is blameless in all things. He will take no responsibilities for anything he does

Everything is your fault and you should just get over it

Well not anymore. You are a strong woman who will not be messed around by a twat like this

PastaOfMuppets · 27/03/2017 13:27

Flo can you make sure someone is with you when he comes around - you might want a witness and some protection, as he sounds aggressive and might still be high. Perhaps let the police know, because you don't want someone on coke becoming angry at you or your child. Leave his junk outside, no need to communicate or interact, no matter how deeply you might still be wanting to be able to get an apology out of this POS. You might also want to check how to fire him - you're his boss and know he's using coke and blackmails people and you paid out his debt for him, so you'll be wanting to get rid of him from your business. And let your daughter know that he is no longer in your lives and absolutely not to talk with him or let him inside the house etc, no matter what he tells her!!
Good luck, OP. Flowers Cake

Boophis · 27/03/2017 13:29

Don't argue or try to reason with him, you can't win at this as he will never see your point of view and you will never get a sincere apology.

Make a clean break. I speak from experience it is so much easier that way and you will feel so much better! Don't discuss things unless they are absolutely necessary. Don't discuss the relationship with him - talk to friends or family or on here if you need to vent.

Good luck

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 27/03/2017 13:31

Sorry op you're going through this. Don't have anything useful to add just wanted to say I was thinking of you

Stay strong. You're doing the right thing. Agree with pp about having someone with you for support.

Also - you really can't make him see your point of view right now. don't waste your breath. save your energy for your self and DC Flowers

Swipe left for the next trending thread