To think this is not on...

[OurFlo]

Genuinely wondering if I'm BU to think that this is not on.
DP went out yesterday about 2pm to get flowers for his DM and pop into work. We had words on his way out as I was annoyed that he hadn't gone when I was working until 1pm. At 4pm his employee phoned me to ask where he was and then he called at 6pm to see if I was going to "have a go at him". He put the phone down on me and then didn't come home.
I rang him back at 9.15pm to find out where he was and he told me he was 15 miles away having a drink with his mate! He then rang me at 10.30 told me he wasn't coming home for me to "have a go at him". I told him he better come home, he slammed the phone down on me, turned it off and I haven't seen or spoke to him since.

AIBU to be mightily pissed off at the whole situation?
We go through this cycle every couple of months or so when he decides he's going out and then doesn't come home. I don't think that he should stay out all night. AIBU? I'm fed up with it, it's just so draining...

Genuine question why is it so hard to LTB?

This is a question I asked myself time and time again. It took for the thought of staying to be scarier than the thought of leaving for me to finally get out. I wasted 23 years of my life on a thieving, lying, abusive waste of space. In hindsight I wish to high heaven I'd managed to tell myself I could manage on my own. Sometimes I think you become so ground down you lose sense of your own ability to cope alone and to make a new and better life for yourself away from these toxic twats.

I guess he is EA. Last time he screamed at me "Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off", wouldn't let me speak and slammed the phone down on me and then turned his phone off. He knew all of these things would hurt me, I've asked him a million times not to do it. Yet still he does.
He doesn't respect me. I don't want that to be acceptable to my DD.
I would hate to watch her go through what I do.

Sticking plaster time!

I had an ex like this. OP it's so difficult to leave - I had ploughed a fortune into his "debts" (aka coke habit and blackmailer (!)) and the thought that all that money might have been for nothing kept me there for ages.
But oh when I finally left! The release was like nothing else. Honestly it changed my whole world from this angst-ridden hole of self-doubt to a place of freedom. It was the best decision I've ever made.
You're so much better than this life he's making you live

He's on a bender! Does he have work tomorrow? Can you lock the door so he can't get in?

to all of you who have been where I am.
I guess part of it is the thought of all the time, money and effort I have ploughed in to him and the relationship generally are keeping me here in a way.
In a strange way I know I can live without him. I know life will go on but I also know he has nothing and I don't want to have been wrong ifyswim. I thought there was more to him, something about him, so much potential and fell for the bullshit sob story about his past
Turns out I was wrong and he is a toxic twat.

Poor you OP :(

I couldn't imagine my OH ever doing that, it's definitely not normal or something you deserve. I hope you have lots of IRL support, I've seen a few LTB threads before and there are lots of very informative women on them who have come through the other side and can offer their support.

If it wasn't for the potential impact on your DD I'd second locking the bastard out!

He does have work tomorrow... I know him well enough to know he won't turn up tonight. Tomorrow he will. Probably with flowers and apologies but also adamant he's done nothing wrong

I'm done 'though.

It's scary getting out but once you do, the feeling of freedom will be amazing. He sounds a bit like my ex (picking fights that are my fault, acting like an idiot, no respect). I stayed because I was stubborn, didn't want to 'fail' and because while I have now accepted he was generally a bad and selfish person, I could see the good bits in him and wanted those to shine through (spoiler: they didn't). We'd broken up so many times but in the end he 'left' me in The Method of No Return and it took me a long time to be ok but almost overnight my stress levels were almost normal.

I know life will go on but I also know he has nothing and I don't want to have been wrong ifyswim.

I can understand that, but you aren't a mind-reader. It takes time to see someone for who they really are. Especially if they are good at covering it up. Its ok to be wrong about someone. You don't have to stick around indefinitely so he can keep proving he's not what you thought he was. He will never be good enough for you or your DD.

Text him not to come back and change the locks. What a dickhead.

Come on, OP, you've heard of the "sunk costs fallacy", haven't you?

Basically you think you've spent so much money on him that it would be a shame not to carry on seeing him (and spending more.)

Get rid of this absolute tosser. I'd try to get some of the money back, but I think you can probably kiss that goodbye.

so every time the attention is turned to you - your birthday, Mother's Day etc, he picks a fight and finds a way of going out on his own, with his mates!, and without you!

You and your dd will be so much happier and better off without him! Good luck op!

I haven't heard of the "sunk costs fallacy"... off to google.

He is a dickhead, you and your DD deserve better

Arrgghh, there's a name for that; wanting to continue in a relationship because of time, effort and money invested, I can't remember what the name is just now.

I do remember clearly that people who have been through it say write it off, get rid, rather than stuff more time, effort and money down the same drain.

Hope you find the strength to stick to your guns Flo

Bewitched that is the "Sunk costs fallacy" - whereby people believe the time and effort already invested in something is worth/makes it justifiable to continue with something that is obviously not working for them :)

That's what I meant , what Imperial said.

Thanks all...as much as you know YANBU, sometimes, for whatever reason, part of you thinks you must be. It's helped to see in writing what I know to be true. I'm off to bed now, fully appraised of the "sunk costs fallacy" and pondering on my next move.
I've messaged him to say we're done and I'll send his stuff in the next couple of weeks but he won't believe it. I just have to stop myself falling for the same old shit when he still turns up tomorrow
for you all and I hope you've all had a fantastic Mother's Day!

Thanks Cherries

Well done Flo

Stick with it, hope you've got some RL support to see you through.

Wow. Is this a petulant teenager or a grown man? Time to move on lovey.

Lock the fucker out. Your daughter deserves so much better.

What an arse.
You've done the right thing.
Stay strong.