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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is not on...

292 replies

OurFlo · 26/03/2017 21:56

Genuinely wondering if I'm BU to think that this is not on.
DP went out yesterday about 2pm to get flowers for his DM and pop into work. We had words on his way out as I was annoyed that he hadn't gone when I was working until 1pm. At 4pm his employee phoned me to ask where he was and then he called at 6pm to see if I was going to "have a go at him". He put the phone down on me and then didn't come home.
I rang him back at 9.15pm to find out where he was and he told me he was 15 miles away having a drink with his mate! He then rang me at 10.30 told me he wasn't coming home for me to "have a go at him". I told him he better come home, he slammed the phone down on me, turned it off and I haven't seen or spoke to him since.

AIBU to be mightily pissed off at the whole situation?
We go through this cycle every couple of months or so when he decides he's going out and then doesn't come home. I don't think that he should stay out all night. AIBU? I'm fed up with it, it's just so draining...

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 27/03/2017 13:32

It's really odd he's tried to ruin Christmas birthday Mother's Day. There's something psychological in it. Why does he create issues at a time he should be creating a nice experience?

Because it's all about him.

TheMerryWidow1 · 27/03/2017 13:33

If he's on something you won't be able to get him to understand anything, just watch out for yourself, to be honest I wouldn't let him in the front door, you don't know what he will do. Make him wait on the doorstop while you get his things. Thinking of you xxx

MammaTJ · 27/03/2017 13:34

You will never get him to see your point, so don;t waste your breath!

Just stand firm. Good luck!

ThePiglet59 · 27/03/2017 13:34

"I want him to come back"
"I told him to come home"

Is he 12?

shovetheholly · 27/03/2017 13:37

I have a friend who has to ruin every birthday, anniversary, Christmas. It's clearly linked to some pattern where if she doesn't ruin it first, someone else will ruin it for her. Could your DH be the same?

I think either he sorts this out, or you leave. You can't go through life like this. It's just not worth it.

AliceByTheMoon · 27/03/2017 13:39

Do you have an HR manager? If you own the business and he is an employee you must be sure to follow all the correct procedure for getting rid of him. You do not want to run any risk of him saying you were just being spiteful due to the relationship breakdown.

If you do not have an HR manager, make sure you look at the ACAS website where they have a lit of procedures etc.

If he is coming into work coked up though, that ought to be helpful.

Thanks goodluck.

Original poster
OurFlo · 27/03/2017 13:41

Sadly I couldn't maintain my calm.
He walked in tried to hug me, got changed and tried to leave the house without his stuff. I told him to get it. Said that he wants to come back later and talk. I said "No", used xStefx's words he started ranting about how he could go out with a mate if he wanted; he hadn't ruined anything; his mum had made other plans for yesterday anyway so it wasn't his fault he didn't see her. I told him it was pointless and to get enough stuff to take with him so he didn't have to come back.
He walked out the door with nothing and drove away.

I rang him to come and get some stuff and ranted for about five minutes I was so angry. So he's got no stuff and has ruined another day. I'm going to pack him a bag but have no idea where to send it.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 27/03/2017 13:43

Chuck his stuff on the doorstep and lock the door. I bet he will be back later. He has to let you "calm down" because in his mind you are being unreasonable

BeyondThePage · 27/03/2017 13:44

Pack it, put it by the door and forget about it. Don't let it ruin a whole day.

Sort your finances - now.

Headofthehive55 · 27/03/2017 13:44

Keep strong. He's getting the message!

Original poster
OurFlo · 27/03/2017 13:45

Thanks thePiglet. No he isn't 12, he's 45.
I'll make sure I watch my paraphrasing in future in case the poor wee dickhead is offended by me trying to make things clear about the state of our relationship and the consequences of treating me like a twat.

OP posts:
Reow · 27/03/2017 13:49

Good lord.

Pack up all of his stuff, send it to a lockup and give him the key.

Original poster
OurFlo · 27/03/2017 13:53

I'm so angry. I'm shaking. He's still trying to control me and lay the ground for the next time he does the same. It. Is. Not. Happening.

I'm so disappointed in myself for ranting. He wasn't listening, didn't care, he'll just use it against me if I give him the opportunity.

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 27/03/2017 13:53

Hi Flo

Just as an aside you said he works for you? If so please make sure your legally covered if you get rid of him etc Flowers

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 27/03/2017 13:56

He can't use it against you unless you let him.

Remember what outcome you're aiming for - and stay on target!

He wants you to get upset and make out that it's your fault.

But at the same time - don't blame yourself for ranting. I'd have done the same! Deep breath. And then back on target.

You're doing really well Flowers

picklemepopcorn · 27/03/2017 14:01

Is his mother local? Pack his stuff and take it to her. Follow your own HR procedures for work, whatever his contract and ACAS advise. You can't sack him for no longer being your partner, but you can for failing to turn up to work, and if he treats you disrespectfully in a work setting. Cover yourself there, at least.

August1984 · 27/03/2017 14:02

Just rtft. Put all his stuff outside and go and stay somewhere else with DD, don't answer the phone. He sounds truly awful Shock

Original poster
OurFlo · 27/03/2017 14:03

I'm guessing he's fighting so hard to keep control because he knows he's losing it.
He hasn't uttered one word of apology (because he's not sorry); not taken responsibility for his decisions and is blaming it all on me. However, I'm not the one who disappeared for flowers on Saturday afternoon and didn't come back until nearly two days later. He uses the staying away as an attempt to control me, to keep me quiet. It's almost like...I can do what I want, be as disrespectful to you as I like, talk to you how I like and if you have a problem with it then I'll just not come home. I'll only come home if I don't have to deal with the consequences of my shitty behavior.

OP posts:
August1984 · 27/03/2017 14:03

Good point pickleme ^

Zaphodsotherhead · 27/03/2017 14:04

Oh God, I knew someone like this once (that was coke, too). But he was a LOT younger...how, by the age of 45, has this dickhead not grown out of those sorts of 'nights out'?

And his 'mate', I can practically guarantee, is a succession of women... Pack his stuff up, OP, put it in the garage, or a shed, then send him a text or an email (to cover yourself) saying that it's over, his stuff can be collected from X (wherever you put it), and he has a week to collect it or it will go to the tip. Then you have written evidence, in case he tries to accuse you of disposing of it illegally.

I agree with above, don't try to reason with him. He thinks what he is doing is right and reasonable, you can't talk him out of his stupid, addled world view. Just get him gone and get on with your life!

We are all SO on your side here...

Soubriquet · 27/03/2017 14:05

Yeah. His going away is your punishment. So you can worry about him

By not doing this, he is losing control

AcrossthePond55 · 27/03/2017 14:06

Just quit talking. He's not listening, so why bother. He'll just deny and deflect which will make you angrier and more hurt. Leave it, you've said your piece.

As far as his stuff, I'd pack it up and send or take it to his mother's or his mate's. No need for him to come by to get it at all, he'll only use that as an entrée into your home to verbally abuse you. Done is done. Be done with him

As far as his job, I agree with a PP about being sure he can't retaliate against you for wrongful termination. Chances are he'll just stop showing up and you can sack him for that, but you want to be sure there are no ugly loose ends.

mickeysminnie · 27/03/2017 14:08

Get his stuff out now! He is hoping that if he stalls for long enough he can win you over.
I would expect a charm offensive now he knows his cushy life is about to go poof.

ThePiglet59 · 27/03/2017 14:09

^"Thanks thePiglet. No he isn't 12, he's 45.
I'll make sure I watch my paraphrasing in future in case the poor wee dickhead is offended by me trying to make things clear about the state of our relationship and the consequences of treating me like a twat."^

Thanks

Heinousfauxpas · 27/03/2017 14:11

Don't worry about losing your calm.. You are only human and it would be impossible to be 100% impassive in the face of such twattery.

I agree in not trying to get him to understand. He doesn't and he won't and that's the problem.

He is stuck at age 9 emotionally and can't see his part in this or take responsibility. Sweet tea and a biscuit and breathe as evenly and as slowly as you can if you feel yourself getting shakier or more furious.

He is likely to up his twattery now that he senses you are serious about this being the end. Try not to rise to the bait. Just stick to your plan. You are doing fine. This is the hardest part. You will get through this. Flowers. Keep going xx

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