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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sad that I am probably not going to be a mum?

180 replies

lottielonsdale · 26/03/2017 16:45

Am 38. Mr Right has evaded me.

I know - I could, possibly, do it alone but I still feel I'd miss out hugely. Feeling sad and like I've been a bit cheated stupid I know

I know it's a self pitying post!

OP posts:

FreeNiki · 27/03/2017 12:09

I'm honestly mystified as to why people are getting so irate with me about this.

So am I.

Just go and have obe because if you had a baby with a partner and he died.

If Id had a baby with my last partner and he died rather than cheated and left I still would have had the benefit of his salary during pregnancy and mat leave and for a time during infancy childhood.

As it stands my last job didnt pay company mat pay just smp. How was i to survive with £139 a week for up to a year? Then after that afford childcare to go back to work after a year with no money?

Op your mistake was posting this here. It shoulf have been relationships where people aren't so nasty

I cant believe the blaming going on. my ex cheated in a seemingly idyllic relationship and i didnt see it coming. is it my fault?

Original poster

lottielonsdale · 27/03/2017 12:34

Who knows Niki!

Jazzy there have been some weird, weird posts on this thread but

Not all people have insurance. Maybe this is why you haven't met a man because you expect too much

has, actually, genuinely made me LOL so thanks for that

Next criteria on match dot com then is 'alive, with insurance and with family.'

OP posts:

FrenchJunebug · 27/03/2017 12:48

What would you miss on by having a child on your own? For information I had a child on my own at 43.

FreeNiki · 27/03/2017 12:48

lottie id ask for this to be moved to relationships.

MamaSchmama · 27/03/2017 13:00

Being a single parent as a result of the other parent dying or the relationship breaking down is actually totally comparable (and happens to many people, sadly, even if they start out in what may seem to you like a 'perfect' situation to have children).

If a relationship breaks down (as many, many, many do) you aren't entitled to anything more than 9% of the other parent's salary as maintenance! And that's if they pay up without trying to get around the system somehow!

Things are never perfect. Even if you have a husband, two amazing jobs and whatever, things can still go tits up so easily and you can both get made redundant at the same time or find out that your husband has a secret gambling addiction or whatever. Mumsnet posts are a testimony to all of the crap that can so easily go horribly wrong. If a partner dies, they don't even necessarily have life insurance that pays out!

If you REALLY want to have a child, it's not ridiculous to seriously consider doing it on your own. Lots of people commenting on this thread have been there and done that. Clearly it's possible.

Or go to a matchmaker (rather than online dating) and explain that you are seriously looking to marry and have children and see if they can find you anyone in a similar situation who you click with!

There is no point in being miserable, YABU unless you DO SOMETHING to try to fix it first :-)

Allington · 27/03/2017 13:23

Not irate. But pointing out it is possible to raise a child by yourself without grimness and misery.

So it's not can't have a child by myself, but do not want to have a child by myself. Which is absolutely fine - your life, your choice. But there's a limit to how much sympathy you'll get by making that choice and then saying how unhappy you are about it.

cantmakeme · 27/03/2017 13:26

I'm sorry for you Lottie, and especially as you lost your mum when you were young. I can understand that you want to maximise the chance of a happy life for your child.
I actually agree with you about losing weight as well, if you feel happier and more attractive when you're slimmer then yes, why not focus on that and build your confidence? One step at a time - and good luck to you.

squishee · 27/03/2017 13:26

This is really bloody unfair. I could never have been a foster parent but am the biological mother to two children and am doing a pretty good job. They're different skills and abilities and you were a complete twat for making that comment.

Nice personal attack there MarsInScorpio. All I meant is that all types of parenting (I would imagine) involve a lot of commitment. How is that offensive in any way?

AIBU is a hostile place OP. Your thread might be better off in Relationships.

Allington · 27/03/2017 13:27

And if you look at all the MIL/SIL/BIL horror stories on here, sometimes having no family is a benefit not a drawback

Original poster

lottielonsdale · 27/03/2017 13:43

Okay, well let's wrap the thread up then as it's becoming increasingly unpleasant to read. I have carefully considered having a child alone and consider at the moment it isn't doable as I couldn't afford mortgage plus childcare. Therefore I would be reliant on the state which I don't think is fair. I don't think wanting a man who is alive is being too demanding!

OP posts:

NotMyPenguin · 27/03/2017 13:49

Seriously, you wouldn't accept working tax credits (which include a childcare element) and child benefit payments, which are totally standard ways of the government helping when you have a young family? There are also more generous childcare grants coming -- it gets easier from age 3 already, and from September you will get 30 free hours a week. The hardest time is from birth to age 2.

I do have sympathy for your position but the problem isn't that you can't have a child -- it's that you don't want to have a child by yourself, or accept help from the state (do you use things like roads and libraries?). Sorry you haven't met a nice man yet, which seems to be the real issue for you. Try a dating agency for people looking for serious relationships!

NotMyPenguin · 27/03/2017 13:53

Also, would you not accept a state pension when you retire?

Life isn't one big fend for yourself battle; it's a cycle, and roles change over time. It's true that being a mother, being a child, and being a pensioner are times when you need more help and support from family and from society. But it is all a natural part of life.

Summersunshine222 · 27/03/2017 14:08

OP I think working on yourself first is going to be the best bet. Be happy in yourself, enjoy life, work on yourself whether you need support from counseling or not. You seem very down and unhappy with life . Start from the inside out and the rest will fall into place. Don't let this turn you into a bitter old lady. Please don't take that the wrong way. I've seen it happen with people who missed the boat on having children.

ElizabethG81 · 27/03/2017 14:30

OP, you asked about the effectiveness of egg freezing - success rates are increasing but there are still some difficulties with it. Eggs don't thaw as well as embryos, so I've known some people undergo 2-3 cycles of IVF to save some eggs for freezing on their own, and fertilising the others with donor sperm to store embryos. That gives the option of using your own frozen eggs in the future with a partner's sperm, or using the donor sperm embryos if you decide further down the line that you're in a better place to do that. You could also use donor eggs in the future, either if you do it with a partner or on your own.

Original poster

lottielonsdale · 27/03/2017 15:02

Penguin

Im not entitled to WTC. Not everyone is :)

Summer, I am not remotely unhappy with life.

Thank you Elizabeth.

Let's leave it there please

OP posts:

luckycat2 · 27/03/2017 15:13

No, YANBU,

we tried for years before getting pregnant and it was heartbreaking, we thought we would never become parents. Now we have a baby due this year, I will be 37.
I know lots of people who have had babies even later than me, after trying for only short periods of time. It's not that uncommon any more for mums to be in late 30's / early 40's, but I know how horrible it feels thinking that it will never happen.

All the best and good luck.

Original poster

lottielonsdale · 27/03/2017 15:17

Congratulations

OP posts:

NotMyPenguin · 27/03/2017 15:22

Obviously this may not be a route you are interested in going down but just for the record, having children changes what WTC you are entitled to. Many people who wouldn't be eligible for working tax credits are when childcare is taken into account.

Even if you earn up to £40,000, so long as you are working over 16 hours a week, you can get some help based on your childcare costs (it tapers off the more you earn, but can be a significant help on a middle income).

See this table here: www.gov.uk/government/publications/tax-credits-entitlement-tables-working-at-least-16-hours-and-paying-childcare/tax-credits-entitlement-tables-working-at-least-16-hours-and-paying-childcare

Or the tax credits calculator: www.tax.service.gov.uk/tax-credits-calculator

All children are entitled to 15 hours a week of free childcare from the age of 3, and from September this is rising to 30 hours a week of free childcare for parents who work.

I ended up dipping in to savings to pay for childcare from birth to age two (I went back to work before my DD was a year old you don't have to take a full year) but a lot of my friends found that either relatives offered to help financially or by doing a bit of childcare as a favour. By age three, the costs are much less scary, and the working tax credits do help. I also bought childcare vouchers through my employer from my salary, which save money as they let you pay for childcare from your pre-tax income this system is changing but will be replaced by a new system that does a fairly similar thing.

I realise this may not be what you want to do, but wanted to leave it here in case others in a similar situation see this thread.

All the best for the future.

Original poster

lottielonsdale · 27/03/2017 15:26

Penguin thank you - I have explored it already. I'm not entitled to TCs or WTCs with or without children. Please can we leave it at that? Thank you.

OP posts:

Coastalcommand · 27/03/2017 15:43

Why all the nastiness? Is no one allowed to be sad anymore?

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 27/03/2017 15:48

YANBU of course, but hang in there. At 38 it looked as if I'd never be a mother. Had my kids at 40 and 41, and know a few women the same or older.

Fingers crossed you get what you want x

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 27/03/2017 15:52

PS Summer, get to fuck. And don't think that saying "don't take this the wrong way" makes your post any less fucking nasty and smug. Fuck off.

MinkyWinky · 27/03/2017 15:54

I understand how you're feeling and you have a right to feel sad. I've been where you are and thought there was little hope despite doing everything in my power to make it happen.

However, I met and married my lovely DH in my 40s. We always knew that if we had children it would be a bonus and we were lucky enough to have a DD (after a couple of miscarriages). I didn't think it would happen for me.

What I'm saying is don't give up hope. It may happen.

Honeybee79 · 27/03/2017 16:08

*Lottie - good luck to you. You sound lovely and sorry that things became nasty on the thread (I have just caught up after posting yesterday). All the best and I hope things work out for you.

loobyloo1234 · 27/03/2017 16:48

Blimey, what a thread full of spiteful ignorant comments I'm early 30's but feel the same OP. You are not alone. I hope you find Mr Right ... and I hope you find a way to have a much longed for baby

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