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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad that I am probably not going to be a mum?

180 replies

lottielonsdale · 26/03/2017 16:45

Am 38. Mr Right has evaded me.

I know - I could, possibly, do it alone but I still feel I'd miss out hugely. Feeling sad and like I've been a bit cheated stupid I know

I know it's a self pitying post!

OP posts:
Crowdblundering · 26/03/2017 17:41

Was directed at squishee Smile

MarsInScorpio · 26/03/2017 17:42

If you couldn't commit to fostering how would you commit to parenting, anyway?

This is really bloody unfair. I could never have been a foster parent but am the biological mother to two children and am doing a pretty good job. They're different skills and abilities and you were a complete twat for making that comment.

I don't think 38 is too old OP but, in the interest of honesty, you are heading towards it. All I can say I judge your life any your happiness by your own metrics. If you're happy then everything else is background noise.

zaalitje · 26/03/2017 17:46

I'm in a similar place to the OP, I've looked at both fostering and adoption. To foster I would be expected to quit my job to be available for the child, the fostering allowance I was told was about £150 a week. Financially not do able.

To adopt I am expected to have friends available to collect the child from school etc should they need it is fallen ill at school, I mentioned I worked in a flexible environment and just a15 minute commute away. Apparently this is not acceptable, I should have friends who don't work, live locally (same village) and are there for available to help out whenever needed. My friends work. I was also told that I would need to have friends with children the same age as the child I was adopting . . .

Additionally, fostering is often touted as an alternative to having your own, it's really not, I have watched friends do it, you have the children short term, you have to make them available to parents who may not appear to have their best interests, or that you know won't turn up to the contract centre, you don't have PR that's the local authority or the parent, they can have extremely challenging needs, you have to be willing to say goodbye.

Crowdblundering · 26/03/2017 17:49

I didn't really mean fostering as an alternative- sorry if it came across that way.

Adopting is very similar though - you are the child's legal parent.

Very close friends were infertile (I was their surrogate) and the amount of people who used to say "why don't you just adopt/foster" like they were unreasonable for wanting their own biological child.

Summersunshine222 · 26/03/2017 17:49

OP when you say go at it alone. How would you go about doing that?
It sounds like a option.

Original poster
lottielonsdale · 26/03/2017 17:52

I would have to use donor sperm if I decided to do this.

But in all honesty I would still feel sad. I would have missed out on a wedding, on the excitement of scans with a happy dad and choosing a pram and names! I would be essentially committing my child and I to a difficult life, there's no way round that. Not an awful life but certainly difficult!

OP posts:
Crowdblundering · 26/03/2017 17:57

I never had a wedding and over the years just felt deflated and let down by the person I did choose to have children with - it was very lonely.

Least you would know where you are from the start?! Grin

Original poster
lottielonsdale · 26/03/2017 17:59

I get that Crowd but I'm guessing you wouldn't have chosen that either Flowers

OP posts:
charlestrenet · 26/03/2017 18:02

OP I have a couple of friends who have gone down the donor sperm route. Yes raising a child alone is different from being in a relationship, but if you have financial security and a good support network it is eminently manageable.

Both of my friends got to the stage where they felt unable to keep waiting for Mr Right and went ahead without him. Their children are happy and well adjusted.

I have another friend who also tried that route but sadly her fertility was already in decline and she wishes she'd done it earlier.

So do consider it.

EnormousTiger · 26/03/2017 18:04

I have a relative who had children by donor sperm and that worked out well. So when you say you are 38 and won't have chidlren. You mean you don't want to have them. There is nothing to stop you having them. You don't have to be married to have children. so yo are making an active choice not to have them.

Original poster
lottielonsdale · 26/03/2017 18:09

If you don't have financial security and a support network, however, it probably isn't :)

OP posts:
Helbelle75 · 26/03/2017 18:10

Don't give up. I met my DH when I was 38, married at 40, 38 weeks pregnant now at 41.
I'd given up and was going to adopt, then met him through some friends.
Hope things work out for you.

charlestrenet · 26/03/2017 18:10

I don't think it's as cut and dried as that - OP wants her child (ren) to be happy, and worries that her bringing them up on her own means they will be less so.

I can understand that. I would say though that your child will be able to have relationships with everyone in your life, so will have access to all the good people you know. And plenty of partnered mothers still get and need a lot of support from the other women in their lives, which you will have as well.

donquixotedelamancha · 26/03/2017 18:14

@zaalitje "To adopt I am expected to have friends available to collect the child from school.....................I would need to have friends with children the same age as the child I was adopting"

Whoever told you this is talking bobbins (yes- I am in a position to know and not just speculating). A single adopter needs to be able to meet the child's needs- that's it. You do need to be realistic about how you will parent, especially as you may be taking on a child with additional needs.

I wonder whether you have just approached one LA? Some LAs have too many adopters at the mo, and are putting off anyone who isn't a rich, young couple with degrees in child development- because they don't have the staff to train them. This is not the case nationally and there will be agencies near you that will take on any adopter that could make a good parent.

I should add that adoption isn't an easy route, and there will be some additional obstacles for a single parent. Parenting in general isn't easy- nothing prepares you for the mess and tiredness.

@OP. I really don't understand the dilemma. If you want to be a parent that much, there are kids who desperately need that affection and support languishing in care. You would be younger than many (most?) starting the adoption process.

Feel free to PM me if you want to know how it works.

NotMyPenguin · 26/03/2017 18:21

If being a mum is important to you, consider doing it alone! I did and it has been such a happy experience. My daughter is completely worth it. In some ways, if you're financially able to manage it, being a single mother is actually easier -- you can really concentrate on being a mum, and not having to juggle a partner who also needs and deserves attention. I found it a lot easier than some married friends for this reason, I know.

Original poster
lottielonsdale · 26/03/2017 18:22

Donquix I don't understand that you don't understand the dilemma. Sorry, not intending to sound difficult!

There is one of me. So one income to cover a mortgage, all bills, plus childcare, plus equipment (and I know that babies don't cost a lot but their nursery place does!)

There is one of me so when my child is ill we can't share our annual leave.

There is one of me so we can't arrange for one of us to go part time or give up work to mean our child isn't in nursery five days a week and after school when he starts and holidays.

Do I need to go on? :)

OP posts:
Trills · 26/03/2017 18:24

It's perfectly OK to say that you would want a child in a stable relationship but don't want to deliberately become a single parent.

Crowdblundering · 26/03/2017 18:25

@OP. I really don't understand the dilemma. If you want to be a parent that much, there are kids who desperately need that affection and support languishing in care. You would be younger than many (most?) starting the adoption process. *

Not everyone wants to adopt a child with a high possibility of emotional issues and attachment disorder - some people just want to have their own child - which is fine.

BillSykesDog · 26/03/2017 18:25

Adoption isn't necessarily for everybody or an easy option either.

Trills · 26/03/2017 18:25

Or it should be OK to say that anyway.

Once you have a child, things may change so that your situation is not as you imagined it would be.

But it's OK to not choose to have a child alone.

Original poster
lottielonsdale · 26/03/2017 18:25

They don't accept everyone either!

OP posts:
Trills · 26/03/2017 18:26

The OP is not asking for advice on how to get herself a child.

She is asking for sympathy that her life has not turned out as she would have liked it to.

paperandpaint · 26/03/2017 18:29

I'm 43 and due to give birth in 10 days - don't give up hope!

zaalitje · 26/03/2017 18:29

Donquix

Those conversations were with social workers from the local authority. The fostering was a more junior member of the team, the adoption was a snr social worker,.
I said I didn't have friends that ticked those boxes. I had previously told them I'd been on ADs for 6 months, 10 years ago following being bullied at work her response was "well see the truth of that when we look at your medical records".
Following the conversation about friends who can support me etc, she then told me that she wouldn't be recommending me going to the next stage and would I agree to close the application now. I felt I had no choice but to let her.

Original poster
lottielonsdale · 26/03/2017 18:30

Congrats paper Flowers

The demands on adopters are rightly high but when you're single and there's one of you, it's even trickier to meet those demands. Not impossible but tricky.

OP posts: