To feel sad that I am probably not going to be a mum?

[lottielonsdale]

Am 38. Mr Right has evaded me.

I know - I could, possibly, do it alone but I still feel I'd miss out hugely. Feeling sad and like I've been a bit cheated stupid I know

I know it's a self pitying post!

I know what you mean and it's true in theory but I don't carry weight well at all. I look quite nice when slimmer but I've got tiny features that get lost in fat easily.

It can still happen for you OP

Life moves in mysterious ways. And there is more to life than having children.

Personally I rushed into having a child with the wrong man, it brings with it a whole other set of regrets I couldn't have anticipated when I decided "I'm sure it will all work out ¯\(ツ)/¯" - no, that's not a good enough basis to start from!

Hi Lottie,

Thought I'd share my story as similar to yours. I'm 35 and single. I've always wanted to be a mother, and I always knew that it was more important to me to be a mother than meeting a man. I used to always say I would rather be a single mother than never be a mum at all. It was one of life's non negotiables for me!

Even though I've always said that, I still found it difficult to make the decision to do it alone. I felt it was selfish, was it fair for the child not to have a dad, how would I financially support it etc. I did a lot of research, there are some great books on amazon and a couple of documentaries out there. Maybe read up on it before ruling it out? Plus do research on working tax credits and child tax credits. You may be surprised what you can get. Plus remember most people even in couples worry about affording children, but it's not usually as bad as you think and if we all waited until we could truly afford it then we would never have children.

Anyway I finally made the decision 18 months ago, when I was 34, to go down the donor route. I realised even if I met someone at 34, I didn't want to rush into having kids with someone so it would have been a few more years and what if it still didn't work out!it was too big a risk for me, no man was worth that risk, I have the rest of my life to meet someone without the pressure of a ticking clock.

Anyway, last year I had IVF and I'm now 20 weeks pregnant, with two frozen embryos still, hopefully for a future sibling too. I do have sad moments but there are also some great advantages. I've seen friends in bad relationships and that can damage children more than being with a single parent. In fact studies have shown that children growing up in a single parent home (from the beginning) are just as happy and secure as two parent homes. It's the breakdown of relationships that can cause upset. All children want and need is love and security.

Hope it helps. Guess what I'm trying to say is please don't rule anything out without doing some research. YANBU to be sad but you do have options to make a choice that is right for you xx

That's so lovely. Thank you.

Unfortunately I earn too much for tax credits and I don't have any family to help. Which is why it would be very difficult. I don't mind difficult for me but it's different for my children

charlestrenet - thanks, I have thought about co-parenting, but yes, I don't really have anyone suitable to do it with.

Yep it is a pity post isn't it.

Youn can still have a baby if you want. I've just had ivf and I'm 38.

My friends 40 and used a sperm donor.

You don't need a bloke to raise a child, I raised my dd1 for 15 years with a dad in site.

Stop expecting that 2.4 perfect family - it rarely exists!!

Stop procrastinating and moaning and do it.

You need to hurry up as past 35 your ovaries start getting rid of your eggs !

Jazzy we have been through this.

Having a baby - deciding to have fertility treatment for a baby - would mean bringing him or her into a world that I'm not sure would be happy for him or her. If it was just 'no dad' that's different but it's just me. No brothers or sisters, aunts or uncles, grandad or grandma, cousins or other relatives. No break from childcare. No money for nice holidays and days our.

I don't want to do that to my baby; if that makes me self pitying - okay.

Weight doesn't make any difference. I was a size 20 when I met DH
Since then I've gone up and come back down.
There are more important things than weight.
I wish we'd been more financially prepared, cleared debts and had savings.
Lose weight if it will make you happy, not to find a man

Lottie - you don't sound self pitying at all. I think your feelings are very common, and they are ones that I have also been through.

My DP has children, but it's not the same as having children of my own. While I would like to have children in the right circumstances, my own situation means that for various reasons it isn't an option right now and, given my age, may never be. In particular, I would be on my own for much of the time, my career (which I love) is incredibly demanding, and I simply don't have the money for the extensive childcare that it would require. I also don't have any family nearby. If my child were ill, there is simply nobody else who I could ask to help out.

This thread isn't about somebody wanting "the perfect family". It is about how life for many of us throws up practical obstacles that mean the children (who we always assumed we would have and love) would mean such incredibly difficult sacrifices and struggles that we don't feel able to bring a child into the world in those circumstances.

(However, I still think you are silly for waiting to lose weight when you say that you feel time is running out. I am sure you are far more attractive than you think - not only physically but as a person who somebody will fall in love with. In any case, you might as well get out there and date while you lose weight. You can always keep updating your profile with slimmer pictures if it matters to you! )

Op I'm sorry but it does make you self pitying - just you is enough for a baby - that's all they need. One person who will love them and create a secure home for them.

You can be mum. You are sat there waiting for man, who probably doesn't exist to come along and magically turn your life into the one you want - it won't happen! If you don't want to be a single mum then get with a nice single man you know - good enough IS good enough - just lower your standards but don't compromise on the important things like honesty or trustworthynrss or niceness.

Wish you the best of luck! Just get out there and talk to people. I have a friend who met her husband in a car park! Do you do an evening course or could you start doing a group or activity? I have friends who have met ithers on dating sites. Dont give up!! But tbh i would give it a year and re-think a donar. We have no family near or far to help with our kids. You just manage. Plus you might have a baby and meet a man after. I have single mum friends who then met a partner when they had a child. It hapoens!

And agree - weight is just another pity post/excuse. Just find someone who loves you who you are not who you think you should be.

I'm in the same boat OP. Mid-thirties, no Mr Right and am eternally single. Am giving online dating one last shot, then if singledom persists I'm seriously considering a donor.

I'm not sure how I'd make it work alone - especially as I've ended up working in London, and commute for a ridiculous amount of time every day. If I had a partner I could make it work but alone is tricky. Lots to think about.

But if you want a family -create one! By yourself. Then create the network around you you need with friends and neighbours.

Andintothefire - you forget that when you have a baby you meet lots and lots of mum friends - you spend time with them and build them up as friends to ask if your child is sick etc.

Sunshine - I know you mean well, but I think Lottie has explained that she feels she can't "create a secure home" for a baby in circumstances where she needs to work, has no family support, and doesn't have enough money to pay for the extensive childcare required.

Of course there is the option to give up work and rely on benefits, but I am sure we can all see why Lottie might not want to do that.

Like many unmarried women in their 30s I have also looked into adoption, but the reality is that most children who need to be adopted need significant time and attention for their needs which most single working mothers (with no nearby support network) would really struggle to give.

Ps cross post - your last post is a fair point Sunshine, but can you really rely on Mum friends? Genuinely asking!

I would like it if you could leave the thread please, Sunshine

Being responsible and choosing not to have a child who would in all honesty not have a very happy childhood is not being self pitying.

If you can't see that then quite honestly you are extremely stupid and I do not have time to explain countless times to stupid people that, while the perfect family doesn't exist, the imperfect one does and it makes children miserable.

I know weight doesn't necessarily stop someone meeting a partner but nonetheless I would feel more confident slimmer. Some women look stunning at size 20. I do not! :)

I'm married, and happy that I'm with the right guy. But I'm over 40 now & we're trying, but... I won't be pursuing fertility treatment if nothing happens. We'd love a child, however it wasn't a big enough deal for me when I was younger so here I am now. I reckon that the cards fall where they may, in life... And it's fine to be sad about it, either way.

Oh Lottie - please stop focusing on whether you look "stunning" and start to value your many qualities which so many men would no doubt adore. I mean this in the nicest possible and most understanding way, but I am starting to think that your lack of confidence might be the main issue to focus on!

Andinto -people manage. My point is you build up a secure network. No one said you have to quit your job, you don't need extensive family help, you just do it and make it work. Seeking out the other many people who are like you, in similar situations or different situations but still can help each other. I'm sure the op has neighbours and friends. When you get to late 30s without any children you are in a certain type of network - when having kids you find yourself in different networks speaking to different people. You might eg have an elderly neighbour who would love to take your baby on a quick walk once a week to give you a break,another single mum who will do reciprocal childcare, an Nct friend who will do childminding when you go back to work - all of these things have happened to people i know. If you really want it just make it happen because any regret you feel now will be nothing to how you will feel in your 50/60s and all these reasons why you shouldn't will all seem so insignificant.

I find it very unfair that you seem to imply that the children of loan parents do not have a happy childhood.
What a slap in the face to all those parents going it alone.
Quit the pity party, there's only one person who is responsible for getting what you want or of life and that's you

Sunshine - Are there any formal support networks out there where single mothers can help to support each other? I hate relying on other people who aren't family or close friends, but perhaps there is a great opportunity for lots of us in the same boat to have a little community that supports each other and shares childcare when needed.

At the moment there seem to be huge obstacles to me having a baby, but there are times when I feel like I should just do it and find a way to manage. A better support network would make such a difference.

But that isn't what I'm saying at all catastrophe, is it? As you can see from early in the thread when I say that many people raise children alone but have support from elsewhere. It's that support which critically I lack.

There is also a huge difference in having children and circumstances changing and making the best of it and actively choosing to bring a child into circumstances that would be stressful and chaotic for the child.

Why I am defending myself for NOT being a single mum on benefits I do not know! It's a new one!

Lottie - sometimes the truth hurts. What you rather I said - poor you? I'm trying to say you can have what you want. You are waiting for someone else to create the life you want - it's you that has to, and can create it.

Of course I will leave. I'm not a nasty person and don't wish to upset you but your post just made me feel so frustrated - I was like you once. It's what I wished my future self would have just said to me at that time in my life.

Best wishes for the future and please - weight has nothing to do with this - people of every size and shape find love.